Is he an alcoholic?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1
Is he an alcoholic?
I'm a newcomer and the fact that I've sought out this site is the first red flag. I reconnected with a junior high classmate 4 months ago (we are now 54, both divorced after 20+ yr marriages) and we moved quickly, he moved in with me.
Facts...
Many days, I smell alcohol on his breath but rarely see him with a drink.
Beer appears and then disappears in my extra fridge but I rarely see him with a beer in hand.
His behavior changes after several beers. He becomes needy and emotional (not mean)
He told me he "used to" drink alot to go to sleep and handle stress in first marriage (out of that for almost 3 years).
His 2 daughters will not speak to him currently and he was the more involved parent and very close to them prior to leaving the marriage.
He admitted alcoholic was brought up to him as an issue by his ex wife and daughters.
His mom told my mom he "used to be an alcoholic" and she's so thankful my presence in his life is positive.
He and I have had 3-4 conversations about his drinking habits in the last month but I have a growing, nagging, sinking feeling it's unresolved and going to continue. My concerns are met with a mixture of denial, excuses and deflection.
"Other than this issue", we have a great relationship.
He quit dipping (snuff) after 39 years, 4 weeks ago.
I believe he's willing to do just about anything to keep from losing me, including becoming better at hiding his alcoholic consumption now that it is "a thing" between us.
I can't put my finger or necessarily prove if he's had one or ten beers but I find myself checking the fridge, counting beers, looking for empties, scrutinizing his behavior and questioning myself. I'm a single mom to a 19 yr old daughter. I consider myself fairly strong and self sufficient but not wanting to face another relationship failure or be alone again. All else in our relationship is good and I believe he loves me and wants to do all he can for and with me (except admit his drinking could be a real problem).
What is my next step? I thought I "refound" my life partner but the reality is I'm only 4 months in and not married, though living together is an added layer.
Facts...
Many days, I smell alcohol on his breath but rarely see him with a drink.
Beer appears and then disappears in my extra fridge but I rarely see him with a beer in hand.
His behavior changes after several beers. He becomes needy and emotional (not mean)
He told me he "used to" drink alot to go to sleep and handle stress in first marriage (out of that for almost 3 years).
His 2 daughters will not speak to him currently and he was the more involved parent and very close to them prior to leaving the marriage.
He admitted alcoholic was brought up to him as an issue by his ex wife and daughters.
His mom told my mom he "used to be an alcoholic" and she's so thankful my presence in his life is positive.
He and I have had 3-4 conversations about his drinking habits in the last month but I have a growing, nagging, sinking feeling it's unresolved and going to continue. My concerns are met with a mixture of denial, excuses and deflection.
"Other than this issue", we have a great relationship.
He quit dipping (snuff) after 39 years, 4 weeks ago.
I believe he's willing to do just about anything to keep from losing me, including becoming better at hiding his alcoholic consumption now that it is "a thing" between us.
I can't put my finger or necessarily prove if he's had one or ten beers but I find myself checking the fridge, counting beers, looking for empties, scrutinizing his behavior and questioning myself. I'm a single mom to a 19 yr old daughter. I consider myself fairly strong and self sufficient but not wanting to face another relationship failure or be alone again. All else in our relationship is good and I believe he loves me and wants to do all he can for and with me (except admit his drinking could be a real problem).
What is my next step? I thought I "refound" my life partner but the reality is I'm only 4 months in and not married, though living together is an added layer.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 11
Your partner could be me, I am in my early 50's and lost my first marriage to drink, the pattern of behaviour is/was my pattern of behaviour. He doesn't want to drink in front of you because he knows he drinks too much, I had a stash of drink hidden and I used to 'top' the fridge up when no one was around so they would think I drank less than I did. Whatever you think he is drinking, he is probably drinking a lot more. You already know he has a drink problem and its obvious he is in denial as he employs all the same tactics I used to employ. I am newly sober and have a long way to go but the decision to stop drinking was mine alone, he needs to do it for himself, if he stops for you then he will not last, I know, Ive tried doing it for someone else. Im sorry to be negative but as an Alcoholic I have been there. I wish you all the luck in the world.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi Kewpie
Yeah moving in together after 4 months is lightening fast. Frankly I would be really strong with this. I would ask him to move out and work on his sobriety. Doesn't mean you can't be friends but that should be his P1.
Yeah moving in together after 4 months is lightening fast. Frankly I would be really strong with this. I would ask him to move out and work on his sobriety. Doesn't mean you can't be friends but that should be his P1.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Ha. I reconnected with an old flame from high school about ten years back when I was your age. Those childhood memories really played a part in it for me. Mid-fifties are when age and fear of dying really set in for me, so I was working with that too. I felt young, and like a circle of life had been closed. It was powerful.
Like it was "meant to be."
Things went South pretty quickly and within six months I knew his ex-alcoholic/ex-addict ways hadn't been resolved. We stayed long-distance, so I don't know if he was drinking or not, but his actions were not that of someone I wanted to be with.
The breaking up was hard at age 54, it felt like a last-chance. I had just gone through the loss of both my mother and stepfather and a job - and I had just been treated for a serious medical problem. Lots on my plate and I didn't need his problems as well.
I broke up anyway. I also stopped looking for old pals.
There are worse things than being alone.
I would run - or at least move him out of (I'm assuming it's) your house.
Like it was "meant to be."
Things went South pretty quickly and within six months I knew his ex-alcoholic/ex-addict ways hadn't been resolved. We stayed long-distance, so I don't know if he was drinking or not, but his actions were not that of someone I wanted to be with.
The breaking up was hard at age 54, it felt like a last-chance. I had just gone through the loss of both my mother and stepfather and a job - and I had just been treated for a serious medical problem. Lots on my plate and I didn't need his problems as well.
I broke up anyway. I also stopped looking for old pals.
There are worse things than being alone.
I would run - or at least move him out of (I'm assuming it's) your house.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Kewpie.
Welcome and glad you are here.
Yah, sounds like he drinks too much, knows it, but doesn’t accept it.
Your situation, sadly, is not a new one round here.
Meet someone, or reconnect, sparks fly, it’s all good, so move in together after a short period of time.
Boom.
Then we start to notice the drinking, and the subsequent hiding thereof.
That his mother says you are a positive presence in his life is, for me, a huge red flag.
That is such a mom thing to say, and something my mom says about my alcohol addict sib.
“If only he could meet a nice woman. She would straighten him out.”
News flash. My sib met plenty of nice women, including his ex wife, and none of them could “straighten him out.”
As another poster said, it’s an inside job.
Only you know whether you should go or stay, but, imo, life with a drinker is a hard road and, given a choice, I wouldn’t do it.
Peace.
Welcome and glad you are here.
Yah, sounds like he drinks too much, knows it, but doesn’t accept it.
Your situation, sadly, is not a new one round here.
Meet someone, or reconnect, sparks fly, it’s all good, so move in together after a short period of time.
Boom.
Then we start to notice the drinking, and the subsequent hiding thereof.
That his mother says you are a positive presence in his life is, for me, a huge red flag.
That is such a mom thing to say, and something my mom says about my alcohol addict sib.
“If only he could meet a nice woman. She would straighten him out.”
News flash. My sib met plenty of nice women, including his ex wife, and none of them could “straighten him out.”
As another poster said, it’s an inside job.
Only you know whether you should go or stay, but, imo, life with a drinker is a hard road and, given a choice, I wouldn’t do it.
Peace.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
In my experience and holder of a degree PhD ( phormer drunk), the only 'was alcoholics' are teetotalers.
He sounds like a good guy, he sounds like he could be just as good or even better without the net negative of booze consumption. It is all up to him , obviously, if he decides to quit and cement( gain and lock in ) his 'was 'status.
If you have another discussion or set of discussions on this subject , tell him you consulted with some experts and they assured you teetotaling is more than doable and for practically ( all) 'was' people ,preferable.
He sounds like a good guy, he sounds like he could be just as good or even better without the net negative of booze consumption. It is all up to him , obviously, if he decides to quit and cement( gain and lock in ) his 'was 'status.
If you have another discussion or set of discussions on this subject , tell him you consulted with some experts and they assured you teetotaling is more than doable and for practically ( all) 'was' people ,preferable.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 199
As my mom used to say about my super nice, but problematic, ex-boyfriend -“that right there isn’t a six month fix. You’re signing up for a long road.” My mother never gave advice about whether or not to stay with someone. Instead, she just gave a very practical assessment of what it would take to make the relationship work long term and let me decide whether or not I was game. Lol
It doesn’t matter whether or not you label him with the “alcoholic” title, although all signs point to that. But regardless of label, he has a drinking problem. And drinking problems don’t resolve themselves quickly or neatly.
He may try to get sober if you put your foot down. But it’s still going to be a long ride with relapses, fights, blaming, etc, etc. Getting sober is hard work and everyone feels that pain.
So, what are you up for? That’s the real question here, imo.
It doesn’t matter whether or not you label him with the “alcoholic” title, although all signs point to that. But regardless of label, he has a drinking problem. And drinking problems don’t resolve themselves quickly or neatly.
He may try to get sober if you put your foot down. But it’s still going to be a long ride with relapses, fights, blaming, etc, etc. Getting sober is hard work and everyone feels that pain.
So, what are you up for? That’s the real question here, imo.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
Hi Kewpie - I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
The responses you've received already are excellent. As a 30 yr. drinker, before I decided to seek recovery for myself - nothing anyone said could have convinced me to stop. I knew in my heart I had to - but I needed to be ready. We're all different, though - maybe the fear of losing someone special in his life will wake him up & cause him to face reality. I hope you'll let us know how it goes. We care about you.
The responses you've received already are excellent. As a 30 yr. drinker, before I decided to seek recovery for myself - nothing anyone said could have convinced me to stop. I knew in my heart I had to - but I needed to be ready. We're all different, though - maybe the fear of losing someone special in his life will wake him up & cause him to face reality. I hope you'll let us know how it goes. We care about you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Originally Posted by Kewpie82 
I believe he's willing to do just about anything to keep from losing me, .
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i don't think we find our life partner in junior high.
he comes with baggage.....lots of it. you are only the seeing the tip of the iceburg. now his alcohol problem is in your house, with you and your daughter. he's been a drinker for a long long time....he already has two children left behind in his wake.
at four months in it's not likely LOVE.........possibly convenience for him, moving in with YOU so quickly. i'd get this turned around and put some distance between you. now....not later.
he comes with baggage.....lots of it. you are only the seeing the tip of the iceburg. now his alcohol problem is in your house, with you and your daughter. he's been a drinker for a long long time....he already has two children left behind in his wake.
at four months in it's not likely LOVE.........possibly convenience for him, moving in with YOU so quickly. i'd get this turned around and put some distance between you. now....not later.
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