Alcoholic Husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: HOUSTON, TEXAS
Posts: 4
Alcoholic Husband
I have been married for 4 years. My husband has been drinking the whole time. When we met, that was all we did was party but i got pregnant and we got married. I was the only one that stopped doing drugs. I quit drinking and smoking cigarettes completely 4 months ago. I have been trying ever since we got married for us to stop drinking together. He doesn't want to. The longest he has made it was a week and thats because i dragged him to counceling a year ago and then i realized nothing was going to change so i filed for divorce. This was after he had totaled out car from drunk driving and talked me into picking him up and i had the cops pounding on the door all night long. Wouldn't I be horrible if i just let them have him? He talked me out of divorcing him by promising everything under the sun, followed me around for 5 hours straight crying, i will stop drinking and smoking weed. I feel like an idiot for staying. Now we are back in counseling and he has become a lot nicer but he won't stop drinking or smoking weed. We both work full time and lastnight he had to work late. 10:30pm. He asked if he could go have some beers after work. I had asked him earlier in the day if he could please just not drink until saturday. So i said no, please come home. Of course he didn't. I called him at 12:30 and he said he was on his way home. Didn't come home until 3am. I was so tired i was late for work. We have a 3 years old and I get so tired of killing myself trying to keep our family together. I have not been to alanon because i don't feel like i should have to learn how to live with an alcoholic. I quit everything (even sugar and white flour) and he can't even quit drinking. I am starting to hate him. I can't let myself completely love him because he hurts me on a weekly basis. I am afraid to leave. I don't want to loose to house ect. And i don't want to separate my son from his father but the older he gets the more he will realize whats going on. I grew up with alcoholic parents and i don't want that for my son. I want him to learn that life is fun without the false high of drugs and alcohol.
My husband always makes me feel like i am blowing everything out of proportion and that I'm just uptight.
Am I crazy? Are there normal people out there?
I'm scared.
My husband always makes me feel like i am blowing everything out of proportion and that I'm just uptight.
Am I crazy? Are there normal people out there?
I'm scared.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
First of all welcome to SR!! There are lots of people here who are facing the same situation as you, so take your time to settle in and do some reading and posting.
Unfortunately, you can't stop your husband from drinking. He will only stop if he wants to stop.
I understand your feelings about al-anon, however you ARE living with an alcoholic. The only way this can change is if a) your husband gets a grip or b) you leave or c) you learn to live with it. It is not in your power to change someone else.
You are certainly not crazy but you are living in a crazy situation. You can find a way through this, whether you stay or go.
Please hang around - we're all in this together. Why don't you pop over to the Friends and Family board?
(((hugs)))
Minnie
xxxx
Unfortunately, you can't stop your husband from drinking. He will only stop if he wants to stop.
I understand your feelings about al-anon, however you ARE living with an alcoholic. The only way this can change is if a) your husband gets a grip or b) you leave or c) you learn to live with it. It is not in your power to change someone else.
You are certainly not crazy but you are living in a crazy situation. You can find a way through this, whether you stay or go.
Please hang around - we're all in this together. Why don't you pop over to the Friends and Family board?
(((hugs)))
Minnie
xxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: HOUSTON, TEXAS
Posts: 4
Thank you for the reply. Your are right. I am living with an alcoholic. I think I might find an alonon meeting near me, for now at least.
I just can't believe that all of this is actually making me physically ill. I have been dealing with severe anxiety for the past 2 years and no doctors have been able to help me. I'm allergic to all the anti depressants that i have tried. I finally went to a hollistic doctor and he thinks I am hypoglycemic.
I have read a lot about hypoglycemia and theres one thing that always comes up. One of the main causes of hypoglycemia can me emotional stress. And anyone that lives and loves an alcoholic knows that emotional stress unavoidable. I feel like if I don't leave its eventually going to kill me emotionally and physically.
My stomach has been cramping all day, everytime I think about him. Thank god he is working tonight. I just don't want to see him.
I just can't believe that all of this is actually making me physically ill. I have been dealing with severe anxiety for the past 2 years and no doctors have been able to help me. I'm allergic to all the anti depressants that i have tried. I finally went to a hollistic doctor and he thinks I am hypoglycemic.
I have read a lot about hypoglycemia and theres one thing that always comes up. One of the main causes of hypoglycemia can me emotional stress. And anyone that lives and loves an alcoholic knows that emotional stress unavoidable. I feel like if I don't leave its eventually going to kill me emotionally and physically.
My stomach has been cramping all day, everytime I think about him. Thank god he is working tonight. I just don't want to see him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: HOUSTON, TEXAS
Posts: 4
Its just me again. I'm addicted to posting now.
I was driving home from work and my mother-in-law called me to see if we wanted her to watch our son. I asked her if my husband had called her about it. She said no, i just thought you might want to do something for your anniversary. *&^$#@@%!
I was thinking so much about wanting to leave him that I forgot its our anniversary tomorrow. Now I feel like I am going to have to act happy just because of that. After dealing with being second to his alcohol for the past 4 years I really could give a rats *ss about our 4 year anniversary. Its just reminds me how stupid I am for staying for this long and for thinking about staying now.
I just want to really be loved.
But its getting to the point where, even if he quit drinking, I have built up so much resentment towards him that I don't know if I can ever truely love or trust him again.
I was driving home from work and my mother-in-law called me to see if we wanted her to watch our son. I asked her if my husband had called her about it. She said no, i just thought you might want to do something for your anniversary. *&^$#@@%!
I was thinking so much about wanting to leave him that I forgot its our anniversary tomorrow. Now I feel like I am going to have to act happy just because of that. After dealing with being second to his alcohol for the past 4 years I really could give a rats *ss about our 4 year anniversary. Its just reminds me how stupid I am for staying for this long and for thinking about staying now.
I just want to really be loved.
But its getting to the point where, even if he quit drinking, I have built up so much resentment towards him that I don't know if I can ever truely love or trust him again.
Last edited by MIETTE; 11-11-2004 at 10:43 AM. Reason: hoping to get a response
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: HOUSTON, TEXAS
Posts: 4
I woke up on our 4 year anniversary this morning and realized that i felt no reason to celebrate. Aren't you supposed to be happy to be married to someone? Am I living in a dream world?
I sent him a text message not to get me anything that we needed to talk. I was just thinking, I just can't pretend that I am happy anymore. He called me and demanded to know what I meant by that. I told him i didn't know whether or not I was going to divorce him, that he will never stop drinking and I just can't take it anymore.
Then I started thinking about all the pros. My son having two parents that love him to death. I love my husbands family and would miss them more than I would him. He has great health insurance. I might loose the house if i leave. Thats my sons home. I don't want to put him through that.
I have been crying all day. My co-workers probably think I am crazy.
Then i called my husband back and told him that he wins. I'm too weak to leave.
He couldn't really talk he was at work.
I feel like a failure.
I sent him a text message not to get me anything that we needed to talk. I was just thinking, I just can't pretend that I am happy anymore. He called me and demanded to know what I meant by that. I told him i didn't know whether or not I was going to divorce him, that he will never stop drinking and I just can't take it anymore.
Then I started thinking about all the pros. My son having two parents that love him to death. I love my husbands family and would miss them more than I would him. He has great health insurance. I might loose the house if i leave. Thats my sons home. I don't want to put him through that.
I have been crying all day. My co-workers probably think I am crazy.
Then i called my husband back and told him that he wins. I'm too weak to leave.
He couldn't really talk he was at work.
I feel like a failure.
Last edited by MIETTE; 11-11-2004 at 10:59 AM. Reason: to add something
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Right here.
Posts: 105
You're not a failure.
In the same way that your husband can't take action to fix his drinking until he's ready, you won't be able to take these massive actions until you're ready. Maybe it's just not time yet.
I know how much we all want a "quick fix", but big problems take time to solve. Every day that you spend at least attempting to move in the right direction is a victory, not a failure.
In the same way that your husband can't take action to fix his drinking until he's ready, you won't be able to take these massive actions until you're ready. Maybe it's just not time yet.
I know how much we all want a "quick fix", but big problems take time to solve. Every day that you spend at least attempting to move in the right direction is a victory, not a failure.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: SOUTH BEND, IN
Posts: 1
I am an alcoholic husband that went to my first AA meeting last night. I had the best time. I feel so free right now. I know there is no cure for the disease but I also no it can be stopped or arrested. I have led my family down a dysfunctional path and was too drunk to see it. I am being honest now and that is where most of my freedom comes from. I look around at all the things I could be doing better. I guess in a case of begging your husband to go get help, my wife did the same to no avail. I heard her say she loved me but didn't want me no more. She loved me. Didn't want me? ME? I was the life of the party! Sober, I see I was merely the joke of the party. I was a loser. I almost have lost everything. Husbands must seek a higher power for help to beat the disease. That is the bottom line. I have. Always remember, it is a disease and it can come back. With support and understanding, the disease can be controlled to the point of non factor. In my case, I choose to never drink again. To be drunk with life. Message to the husband: Get to AA dude! You're losing your life!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Jasper, GA
Posts: 239
Miette...please give serious consideration to going to AlAnon...AlAnon is not about learning to live with an alcoholic...it is about learning to live, and act, in a manner that is healthy for you...sometimes that means leaving, but often it doesn't.
BubbaBob
BubbaBob
Think Happy Thoughts
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: cHiCaGo iL
Posts: 245
I can completly understand where you are comming from and i feel for you because you are married and its harder for you than it was for me. i was in an on and off relationship for 5 years with a addict and it was always me trying to leave and then feeling like i was the one wrong.
I always felt like i was blowing things out of proportion too. i didnt want to leave him because he was the love of my life and i ended up unhappy about the relationship. i was always deppressed and looking for reasons to make him sober up and then at one point i gave up and blamed him for bieng an addict myself. i felt trapped. like i was in something i couldnt get away from and like he had the lock and key. He blamed me for everything that went wrong in the relationship and everytime i got the nerve to leave hed change for an amount of time and then make me feel like i was the only reason that he was alive and his tears were so real that i couldnt bare to let him go.
in the end i had to leave. he hit my father and tried to get me to believe that my family was the problem not our addiction. i had 3 miscarriages and i lived the in fear of myself. i hated myself and i thought he was the only person who was going to ever want to be with me because i was led to believe that i was crazy and that it was all my fault.
Addicts will do anything to keep what they want and then blame everyone else for their problems and unhappiness. if you are in this type of situatuation then i fear for your self-esteem and your happiness seems to already be fading
I cant tell you how familiar that sounds to me. i used to say it all the time. Yes your son has two parents that love him very much but how will it affect him to have an alcoholic father living at home.
Most importantly you need to take care of yourself first. please MIETTE take action before things get worse. i agree with Bubbabob alanon is something that will definately bring some sort of clarity as to what you should do. good luck and lots of love
I always felt like i was blowing things out of proportion too. i didnt want to leave him because he was the love of my life and i ended up unhappy about the relationship. i was always deppressed and looking for reasons to make him sober up and then at one point i gave up and blamed him for bieng an addict myself. i felt trapped. like i was in something i couldnt get away from and like he had the lock and key. He blamed me for everything that went wrong in the relationship and everytime i got the nerve to leave hed change for an amount of time and then make me feel like i was the only reason that he was alive and his tears were so real that i couldnt bare to let him go.
in the end i had to leave. he hit my father and tried to get me to believe that my family was the problem not our addiction. i had 3 miscarriages and i lived the in fear of myself. i hated myself and i thought he was the only person who was going to ever want to be with me because i was led to believe that i was crazy and that it was all my fault.
Addicts will do anything to keep what they want and then blame everyone else for their problems and unhappiness. if you are in this type of situatuation then i fear for your self-esteem and your happiness seems to already be fading
I just can't pretend that I am happy anymore
I cant tell you how familiar that sounds to me. i used to say it all the time. Yes your son has two parents that love him very much but how will it affect him to have an alcoholic father living at home.
Most importantly you need to take care of yourself first. please MIETTE take action before things get worse. i agree with Bubbabob alanon is something that will definately bring some sort of clarity as to what you should do. good luck and lots of love
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi Miette -
My name is BigSis and I generally post in the Naranon and Alanon forums (below the newcomers forums). Minnie and Subliminal have excellent advice...
You can't deny reality - you are living with alcoholism. What you do about it will be up to you.
I don't think anyone got to Alanon because we were feeling good and happy with how life was going on around us. We get to Alanon the same way addicts get to Naranon and alcoholics get to AA.... because we are in pain and we want something different.
To be honest, I went to Alanon the first time because someone at my daughter's inpatient treatment told me it would help.... in my mind, I heard "it would help her". (grin). I went and was thoroughly unimpressed with the organization... but someone had told me to try at least 5 or 6 meetings because the program was subtle, and if I am going to say something "doesn't work", then I am going to do it the way I was advised first.
By the second month of weekly meetings, I had picked up on something. The people there were happier than I was.
I thought perhaps ALL their alcoholics and addicts were clean and sober... so no WONDER they were happy. I have come to realize that wasn't true at all. They were happy because something had changed in each of them.
I heard something in an open AA meeting that applies to Alaon = "If you want what they have, do what they do".
So I go to meetings - usually about three per week.
I cannot describe to you how much better I feel today - 18 months later. I do hope you can find some meetings in your area... until then, please stop by the Alanon and Naranon forums below. Lots of folks there that have gone through and are going through the same things as you.
Including being resentful of having to live with alcoholism.... none of us signed up for that (.... believe it or not, this includes the alcholic).
I wish you the best!!
My name is BigSis and I generally post in the Naranon and Alanon forums (below the newcomers forums). Minnie and Subliminal have excellent advice...
You can't deny reality - you are living with alcoholism. What you do about it will be up to you.
I don't think anyone got to Alanon because we were feeling good and happy with how life was going on around us. We get to Alanon the same way addicts get to Naranon and alcoholics get to AA.... because we are in pain and we want something different.
To be honest, I went to Alanon the first time because someone at my daughter's inpatient treatment told me it would help.... in my mind, I heard "it would help her". (grin). I went and was thoroughly unimpressed with the organization... but someone had told me to try at least 5 or 6 meetings because the program was subtle, and if I am going to say something "doesn't work", then I am going to do it the way I was advised first.
By the second month of weekly meetings, I had picked up on something. The people there were happier than I was.
I thought perhaps ALL their alcoholics and addicts were clean and sober... so no WONDER they were happy. I have come to realize that wasn't true at all. They were happy because something had changed in each of them.
I heard something in an open AA meeting that applies to Alaon = "If you want what they have, do what they do".
So I go to meetings - usually about three per week.
I cannot describe to you how much better I feel today - 18 months later. I do hope you can find some meetings in your area... until then, please stop by the Alanon and Naranon forums below. Lots of folks there that have gone through and are going through the same things as you.
Including being resentful of having to live with alcoholism.... none of us signed up for that (.... believe it or not, this includes the alcholic).
I wish you the best!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: New Focus
Posts: 687
Hi Miette,
I am an alcoholic my parents, (like yours were alcoholics), and my first husband was an alcoholic. Alanon may help you find strength from others who are suffering like you are. I attended meetings a few years back when my brother was going downhill fast and I felt like I couldn't abandon him. I know from my own experience I could not stop him from drinking that was his job. Attending the meetings was for me. It helped me stop some of my own destructive behavior regarding the situation. I got information that helped me see I was hurting not only myself but him with my behavior.
My marriage to my alcoholic husband ended years ago, but I will never forget the anxiety caused by waiting for him to make it safely home from the bar without a car crash or just being with him when he got sloppy drunk, or worse, nasty drunk. Sadly, I don't forget these experience with my parents either. You said your son needs two loving parents, my own experience tells me the drunk parents love is not of much value and depending on the situation could be of harm.
I hope you find help here, (I have), and can find ways to overcome cope with and overcome the anxiety. Focus on yourself and on your son.
Take Care
I am an alcoholic my parents, (like yours were alcoholics), and my first husband was an alcoholic. Alanon may help you find strength from others who are suffering like you are. I attended meetings a few years back when my brother was going downhill fast and I felt like I couldn't abandon him. I know from my own experience I could not stop him from drinking that was his job. Attending the meetings was for me. It helped me stop some of my own destructive behavior regarding the situation. I got information that helped me see I was hurting not only myself but him with my behavior.
My marriage to my alcoholic husband ended years ago, but I will never forget the anxiety caused by waiting for him to make it safely home from the bar without a car crash or just being with him when he got sloppy drunk, or worse, nasty drunk. Sadly, I don't forget these experience with my parents either. You said your son needs two loving parents, my own experience tells me the drunk parents love is not of much value and depending on the situation could be of harm.
I hope you find help here, (I have), and can find ways to overcome cope with and overcome the anxiety. Focus on yourself and on your son.
Take Care
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Jasper, GA
Posts: 239
Originally Posted by BigSis
.... none of us signed up for that (.... believe it or not, this includes the alcholic).
I wish you the best!!
I wish you the best!!
BubbaBob
(that's recovering drunk folks...thank God)
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Originally Posted by BubbaBob
BigSis...you mean my being a drunk wasn't a carear choice? Well I'll be damned...LOL
BubbaBob
(that's recovering drunk folks...thank God)
BubbaBob
(that's recovering drunk folks...thank God)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Jasper, GA
Posts: 239
What'cha mean "unpais"?
The bartender got paid...the bar waitress got paid...liquor stores got paid...as did the liquor manufacturers...
Unpaid like hell...we were all writing the payroll checks.
BubbaBob
The bartender got paid...the bar waitress got paid...liquor stores got paid...as did the liquor manufacturers...
Unpaid like hell...we were all writing the payroll checks.
BubbaBob
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