Lindiwe

I live in South Africa so I'm praying someone talks to me and helps me somehow. I went to treatment 10 years ago but have relapsed so many times and living in secrecy and lies for so long I'm dying inside. I know isolation is not a good thing, but how do I work around it when self employed and work from home and do not live with my partner. Most of the work I do consists of transcribing and that I do during odd times like the evening. So I'm alone majority of the time. I am losing control again. I can't afford to go to treatment but neither am I attempting to go to meetings. Desperate again and in so much pain... Agaom.

thomas11

How can we help?

Lindiwe

Hi Thomas. I need to find the strength to do the right thing again. I'm so so scared and all the pain and resentment to self is all back. I'm going to find a meeting to go to but so afraid to freak my boyfriend out or my family again.

thomas11

Can you go back to rehab again and get some sober time under your belt? I'm sorry to hear you are in pain, but with the right tool, support and determination you've got a good shot at sobriety again. I started out by making it the most important thing in my life every single day. Nothing else was more important than remaining sober. Others do it differently. One thing I think is helpful is try not to do it all at once. Do one "right" thing per day. And just keep doing the next right thing, day after day.

Lindiwe

Treatment in South Africa is paid for. It was easier while I was o medical aid but I work for myself now and only taking medical insurance from next month. Another consequence of my distorted thinking amd actions. Look, I'm grateful that I am not deceiving myself about how much I need to get help before I spiral into a downslope. I will do one thing right as you say (thank you) I need to get to a meeting and be around old and new timers who walk the talk. I binge...... On alcohol and drugs but its becoming frequent and its starting to hurt..... A lot
I remember these days, where alcohol would be the gateway to me using crack. I'm glad to be on this forum because I can speak freely and listen for advice. Thanks Thomas

Lindiwe

Thank you for listening and thanks for letting me share.

BDTL

It didn't "freak" me out to tell my wife I was giving up drinking and starting my journey through the 12 steps of AA. It actually gave me a cleansing feeling and my spirit felt lighter. Don't try to conquer this alone and now is the time you need your love ones to support you. Who knows they may have been wanting to help all along and did not know how to approach you. You can do this! You will feel better and you will overcome alcohol!

Obladi

Hi and welcome.

I'm glad you decided to join up - there are a lot of helpful and caring people here. When is the AA meeting?

For what it's worth, I'm also an isolationist and at 28 days sober I have found a way to expand my cocoon a bit, slowly but surely. It can be done.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Lindiwe

you'll find lot of support and encouragement here. I drank all day every day by the end - this community helped me to find the strength within myself to get sober and stay that way

D

Hevyn

I was the same as Dee, Lindiwe. When I found SR I was drinking all day - couldn't imagine a way out. Being here helped me to not feel alone. No one in my life understood what I was going through - but everyone here did. You can get free and stay that way. Please keep reading & posting. We are with you.

Gottalife

When I got desperate enough I joined AA and began working my way through the steps.

But doing the right thing? That was a bit more problematic. I had thought that the fact that I knew the difference bewteen right and wrong, and I kept doing the wrong thing, was one of the driving forces in my desire to get well.

So one of the first things I did was set out to do the right thing, and I got that wrong as well! With an alcoholic mind it seems I didn't really know what to do. My thinking was not right, so even when I thought I was doing right, I often was not. I didn't know what right was. Right for who? Right for me? right for you? Right for him or her? Right in whose eyes?

I had a lot to learn and I took the first part of the journey in AA, getting some feeling for God, on a sort of blind faith that eventually I would get the answers. And I did. My behaviour changed and I naturally began acting in a different way, intuitively getting it right more of the time, now I could say the majority of the time.

Getting the power to do that was the real key, but I couldn't buy it, it didn't come in a bottle or a packet, and there was no human being who could give it to me. So where to next?

Berrybean

Hi LW. Welcome. I'm glad you found your way here.
I think a lot of people think that doing the stint in rehab is the done deal. Thing is, once we address our drinking / using, we still need to address our thinking. I don't think it's ever a done deal. I'm so pleased you're getting to a meeting. When is it that you're going?

There are some great resources online as well. The AA site has the big book available to read online (although there are also kindle versions of all stage literature. 'Living Sober' is a great little book.
Also there are thousands of AA speaker recordings, plus the Joe and Charlie ones. Unusually get recordings to listen to from here... https://www.recoveryaudio.org The Joe and Charlie study guides are easy to find on YouTube or similar.

Anyway, I wish you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. I hope you keep reading and posting here. This place plus working the steps with a good sponsor and connecting with others in recovery regularly and meetings has made so much difference to my life. Well, it's a completely new life really. It may look similar to some people from the outside, but on the inside it's all a completely different experience.

BB

Lindiwe

Thank you all so much for your words and advice. It's not so much "freaking" boyfriend out that's worrying alone, but that fact that I've downright LIED and said the drugs were gone for good. Because they haven't. I have told him I'd like to go to AA again and as you've indicated he said he would fully support me. I've told my best friend the whole truth as I could not deal with my inner torture anymore. I am not ready to tell him that it's not juts the booze but that little deadly white rock substance too that is the issue..... Again. I will be going to a meeting this evening, I am so looking forward to it. And for now I am going to live my day one hour at a time, clean my house and sit and work. All I know is that I cannot do this alone

Lindiwe

Hi BB,

Gosh! And indeed it really doesn't end with rehab. I know where I've gone wrong. I got extremely complacent, stopped going to meetings and drifted back into my old life where chaos reigns. As an Addict / alcoholic I temporarily declared myself unconscious:and lived in my old ways and places. So you couldn't have said it better BB, that it's our thinking which needs adjustment too. Well I'm determined to get better again. This forum is a saving grace. It's good to be here.

Lindiwe

Hello SR Fam,

I made it through a very crying, guilt filled evening last night. I haven't made it to a meeting because my car bust a tyre so hopefully I can get there tomorrow. Fear is something else, it really is. I am very scared of becoming worse. I don't doubt that with the work put in I'll recover again. I pulled out my Blue Book and green NA book and started on step 1all over. How sad that I'm playing out the insanity all over again..... And YES the results are identical. No **** Sherlock! If I don't get back lock, stock and barrel onto the road to recovery..... I will die this time. I barely made it out the last time. Thank you all for your loving words and support.

Hevyn

I did the same thing - almost lost my life clinging to it. As we found out, it's no longer fun, relaxing, or exciting - & never can be. You will do it this time, Lindiwe.