Reba2010

Hi Everyone,
Today is my first day on this site. I read alot and seen all the wonderful support so I decided to give it a try. I am a 41 yr old single Mom of a 17 yr old male teen. I have struggled with so much trauma in the past and did not know it until I actually seen a therapist. I drank at a very young age to start with. Alcoholism runs in my family. Elders in the family thought it was fun to give kids a drink. Well my son ultimately had to pay the price with living with an Alcoholic Mother. I believe that once you bring things to life they no longer have power over you. Soooo. My son and I went through the teenage blues along with my Alcoholism. I know that I have caused trauma to him as well. He just came back home from living with his dad for almost a year. I took him on a trip before he came back.

I wanted him to feel as if we were coming to our home. Mind you I have been sober for almost a year now. It was a road trip so we were in a space to be able to talk.

I apologized to him and took full responsibility. He says that he accepts my apology.
However I feel like inside he hates me but tolerates me until he goes off to school soon.
We talked today and I expressed my love to him and admitted all my wrong doings.
He told me that its more for me than him because he is past it and we have a chill relationship and are good but as far as the lovely dovey and us being besties as I explained I would like to work on in the future, its too late. It broke my heart, because I didnt mean to be that type of parent...I know none of us do. I even wanted to end my life years ago because I couldnt stop! He witnessed that. I kept getting help and kept getting help. He went through all of that along with me. I went to family counseling. He didnt want to go. The more I fought to get sober the worst I would get. Once he left to be with his dad.
I think alot of pressure was off from me from being single, traumatized, depressed, suicide mom. I was actually able to fight harder to really get sober. Also admitting my wrongs and people i may have wronged. I was so embarrassed to let people know at my church. But once I let them know and stopped hiding It had no more power over me. (The alcohol). Dont get me wrong, I do think about how I wish I could be one of those social drinker type of people. But as they tell you in treatment play the recorder out. And I do and it makes me sick to think about how it caused so much pain and set backs.
My question is. Has anyone else felt this way through this? When kids are teens do they forgive you at some point? Do you always have that guilt? Does it ever go away? Does the relationship get better or can it. Please dont say anything if your going to be cruel or rude to me, I am doing enough to myself with the guilt. Especially knowing that I his mother hurt my child and I can never get that time back to do it again the right way. After speaking with him today I had to find some type of support to not get depressed.

I appreciate you all taking the time to read this.

MissPerfumado

My dad was a difficult man to be around when I was growing up. There was a charming beautiful side to him but he drank a lot. He was unhappily married to my mum. He would pick fights and have major drunken blow-ups, real terrifying ones, full-on shouting and threatening behaviour sometimes. Or he would sit in a chair in the evenings and drink can after can of beer and sulk dangerously. We would tiptoe around him at times like that in case he exploded and made the night hell for us. I never knew which dad would show up when he came home: the happy charming one or the terrorist.

I wanted to get out of the house as soon as could and have a life away from the unpredictable terror of it all.

He got sober when I was in my 30s. He hadn't been a part of my life for years at that point. He reached out and wanted to make amends.

I was at that point ready to forgive and now we have a decent relationship. It took work on both parts. I can talk to him about my day to day life, my sobriety, my job, my love life ... sure, he's not my best friend but I'd describe it as a solid relationship.

If you'd asked me in my teens if I could ever have that sort of relationship with my dad I would have said, forget it.

I'd say it's possible to mend the relationship with your son but you have to work at his pace. It sounds like he acknowledges what you're trying to do in recovery but he has been through a lot and he was after all just a kid. You can't change what happened, but like my dad, you can move forward and show you're trying your best.

And ultimately, kids just want to have a loving relationship with their parents. That's all I ever wanted and it's why I did my part too when he reached out and showed he was ready to apologise for the past and do his best going forward.

Nonsensical

Welcome to SR!

You may be asking the wrong question, because it seems to me the person who can't forgive you is YOU.

That's a hard thing to do. I get it. I struggled with it myself. It's worth it though, and the people around you will notice. It's much more pleasant driving with someone who isn't staring in the rear view mirror all the time.

You've been sober a year. That's AWESOME. Go stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself how amazing you are for defeating an addiction.

August252015

My mother drank alcoholically from the time I was 11 through college, and then one relapse that I know of happened when I was 28.

The short answer the the OP title - yes, it is possible for a child of an alcoholic to forgive their parent(s) who are alcoholics. It may take a long time and be a roller coaster and....you can't make him forgive you.

For me - others can chime in with experiences w their own family members, esp parents - I desperately needed my mom to quit drinking and get in recovery AND be honest about her sobriety. I couldn't keep forgiving the open wound she made fester every time she drank again.

Ultimately, complete forgiveness of my mom has come with my own recovery. I told her just the other day that I was the one who was sorry that I just couldn't empathize with her til now.

As hard as it is, forgiveness takes time for everybody in these family situations. For me - and now, from my family towards me - time takes time and most importantly, i have to keep demonstrating my recovery and new life.

Best to you.

Wholesome

I hope that my children have forgiven me. The longer I'm abstinent the more I realize how badly I was selling us all short and how they really weren't getting the best of me. I could have and should have done much better. But all I can do is the right thing from now on.

I like the Maya Angelou quote, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”

I know both my kids are happy that I've quit. I can see how they've relaxed as they've come to trust that it really is over and that they can rely on me to always be together. It must have be stressful for them to never know what they were coming home to. I was raised by an addict father and alcoholic mother so I know well how much anxiety and shame it caused me as a child. It was wrong for my parents to behave that way, and it was wrong of me to repeat those family dynamics in adulthood. But we can change and we can get well and we can break those family legacies.

My parents have never gotten their lives together and are both financial messes. They are divorced and they both want me to take care of them. But I left home an addict with no HS diploma. I've done OK for myself despite them, but not well enough to support my family plus both of them. It fills me with resentment that because of their terrible life choices and living the high-life instead of being responsible, now the expectation is that I will care for them, when as a kid they neglected me and encouraged and participated in my drug use. I don't see why I should sacrifice my own children's stability and educations to bail out my parents, both of whom came from money and didn't have to care for their own parents or put either my sister or I through school or help us in any way as adults. I am mad at them for putting themselves and me in this position. I don't forgive them for this or my childhood. But they never changed, so why should I? Watching them spiral down is a stark reminder of why I quit, the end game is not pretty, poverty and desperation.

Addiction is a heartbreaker, for sure.

entropy1964

Hey Reba and welcome! I love how everyone has shared their own experience.

As I was reading your post, I was thinking about my own relationship with my 17 year old daughter. But then I read Miss P's and quickly moved to my relationship with my alcoholic father and heavy drinking Mom.

So, with respect to dear ole dad....frankly, I hated him growing up. Now I pity him. He's 86, has Werneke's and can't scrape together a coherent thought....or if he does he forgets it in 30 seconds....or less. Thank God we got sober, right? I can't even imagine if he had actually owned his BS, made amends, grown up (instead of acting like a 3 year old) and actually been a father. Yes, I would have forgiven him. Heck, I sympathize with him now. Next June I'm going to live with my Mom and Dad to take care of them....assuming they are still in the same situation. So I love them. My Mom is equally complicit in the insanity. Cold, neglecting. She was never there. But I do see now that they are only human. They did the best they could. They aren't 'bad' people, just sick people. But yeah, I never had a childhood. I mourn that sometimes.

Now to my 17 year old. Frankly, I don't know if she forgives me. Things never got to the point where she moved out but I'm lucky that didn't happen. She should have. My drinking was a bit odd....a bender drinker. So I'd be sober for months, even years, then bam. And all hell would break out. Poor kid. She probably is waiting for the ball to drop at any time. And I know darn well it doesn't matter what I say, so I just try to keep demonstrating that I am on the right path. But who knows. And she is exactly like me. Oh dear. So I'm waiting to see if she follows my path. Kids don't do what we say because they are too busy doing what we do. We never talk about my abstinence. I do always keep my 'current' AA chip in the car....so I can hold it in my hand at times. She picked up my one year and said 'Wow has it been that long? that's great Mom'. End of conversation. Its been sitting there for several months. Just is.

Someone said you'll do this on his time. And as hard as that is, that's the truth. Show him, don't tell him is all I can advise. And be patient. He's there. He loves you more than anything. Teenagers aren't known for their fabulous communication skills...its a tough time in the best of circumstances. I have to remind myself daily that I am the parent....I love her unconditionally. And I try to show it all the time.....and still be an effective parent. Not let my guilt cloud my parenting.....and that's really hard for sure.

Hang in there. Get support here and in other places where we understand. Then you can support him better.

August252015

Frick reminded me of something with the comment that yes, forgiveness would have been possible if dad had gotten sober.

I truly believe that kids want to forgive and love and feel safe etc with the parent(s) they have. People can do a lot of damage to each other but we still want that peace with the only mom or dad we have.

I also believe that all of us alcoholics, no matter where we are in our recovery, have to keep putting the mask on our own faces before we try it with a child, to quote the flight attendants' ubiquitous instructions. If I tend to my own lane, and keep working to improve myself- that's the chance I have to make amends with people in my family.

DontRemember

I'm only 18mo sober and my daughter(single father) has more or less forgiven me. She still has her 'millenial moments' at times and will TRY to use my past to levarage some things but, I don't let that crap slide. Shes 22 now and I drank through the better part of her childhood. I was never 'over the top' around her,but I did make some bad choices and she had to deal with/watch me dealing with those choices and that can't be normal. Give it and him time. Try not to pressure him for forgiveness and continue working on yourself.

wildflower70

My son, now 30 years old has forgiven me

My daughter, now 28 years old, has not

I used to spend my days depressed that my daughter would never forgive me, this led to a cycle of drinking to cover up the problems that drinking has caused.

My son told me something that changed all of that.
He said "Mom, you need peace more than you need your daughter."

I finally forgave myself and found peace. If my daughter decides to forgive me and move forward, I will be ready.

Bless you on your journey.
WF

least

My daughters were teens when I was drinking. When they saw I was sober for good, they eventually forgave me and our relationship is better than ever.

RunningAway

Wow reading this thread has been a real kick in the nuts. My kids are younger than teens but I harbor so much guilt over how my drinking affects them now and in the future. I realize that I can’t change the past and there’s no sense worrying about the future and we need to just focus on the present. Still it really hurts to think of how my stupid, selfish decisions affect them.

iwilltryagain

Reba - You have done a great job staying sober. Time heals, it heals you and heals those surrounding you. Keep up the good work, keeping doing the things your son likes, give him all the things you can what a Teen likes and needs and be forgiving. Help yourself recover lost time with him. Things will only get better...