So, I had my last drink 5 days ago.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 9
So, I had my last drink 5 days ago.
I should probably start with: My username is an old gamer tag and not a reference to my general health and well-being.
Also, this may run a bit long winded.
Here goes.
Somewhere in the mid 90’s, at the ripe old age of ‘Just started High School,’ I found Methamphetamine. Weekend parties didn’t take long to become Monday, so I could make it through the day... And before long, the progression played out note for note. I still managed to graduate on time, somewhere in the middle of my class.
After an eventful summer, I joined the Air Force. And kept using until a week before processing. Plenty of time for the drug tests, but I never once considered the emotional fallout that was about to hit me.
Incidentally, I don’t really recommend Boot Camp as a form of treatment. While the structure, order and clearly defined expectations were beneficial, the stress and emotional strain were multiplied by a really big number because of my extended drug use and haywire endorphins.
Graduated boot camp, then tech scool and out into the Operational Air Force. They gave me a nice tool box and there were always plenty of broken things to fix. I stayed clean and managed to get into only slightly more trouble than an Average Junior Enlisted might. On my last day, I saluted my Commander, shook his hand and About Face to my truck waiting off base.
I had BIG plans. I was going to make a Name for myself and I was going to take over the Wor.....
Ooh, look.... Dope. Within a month, it was like I hadn’t ever stopped using.
Fast Forward 5 years, (insert number) of bad attempts to get and stay clean. I quit jobs and I was fired from jobs. I was no longer allowed to be in my parents house. My friends, who still cared for and about me didn’t want me around if I was high. The gaps all fill in fairly typical fashion.
The end of that whole mess came on a Sunday morning. I had been asleep for a bit more than 24 hours and the girl I was seeing handed me the keys to my truck and said ‘It’s all packed, everything of yours.’ ‘I can’t do this any more, you are killing me.’ She had never used, not even once. I never brought it around her because of that. But that also meant I would spend days, a week or more just gone, sporadic phone calls and texts. I don’t know how she put up with it for so long.
I had used up literally every single option I had. So I scraped up a few hundred bucks and it was Destination Anywhere.
But that was my wake up call, and it worked. I my act together and I got clean. I have stumbled a few times in the 12 or so years since, but they were just stumbles. A quick punch in the face and I was back in line.
And then, the sneaky, insidious bastard.
It happened so slowly that I didn’t even suspect there might be a problem until a couple of years ago. But I eased my mind.....
‘There are plenty of people who drink way more than I do’
‘I have never snuck away at work to have a drink’
‘If I really had a problem, my friends would tell me.’
I am sure everyone here can add to the list.
It hit me full in the face when, on a Monday morning at 245 I said ‘Yeah, I’ll have another.’ I had to work at 730. What am I doing?!? So I called in sick and sat on the steps with a half pack of smokes and I sifted through the last 3 years in my brain. I was horrified by what I found.
So, I had my last drink 5 days ago. It has been a BRUTAL 5 days. My whole body hates me. Shakes, sweats, my everything has been in rebellion. Today was better, though, so that gives me hope. The itching also started today, that’s what brought me to this forum.
Sleeping is going to be my biggest short-term struggle, evidently you can forget how to fall asleep... There was a time in my life that I would have marked that in the win column.
I can’t help but laugh right now, as bad a time as I had giving up crank, this is worse. By several degrees.
Go me!! Round 1 was just a warm up. Just preparation for my 2nd Act.
If you have read this far, thank you.
It kind of feels good to get parts of it tapped out in black and white.
And remember... If all else fails, have you tried a punch in the face? It works for me.
Also, this may run a bit long winded.
Here goes.
Somewhere in the mid 90’s, at the ripe old age of ‘Just started High School,’ I found Methamphetamine. Weekend parties didn’t take long to become Monday, so I could make it through the day... And before long, the progression played out note for note. I still managed to graduate on time, somewhere in the middle of my class.
After an eventful summer, I joined the Air Force. And kept using until a week before processing. Plenty of time for the drug tests, but I never once considered the emotional fallout that was about to hit me.
Incidentally, I don’t really recommend Boot Camp as a form of treatment. While the structure, order and clearly defined expectations were beneficial, the stress and emotional strain were multiplied by a really big number because of my extended drug use and haywire endorphins.
Graduated boot camp, then tech scool and out into the Operational Air Force. They gave me a nice tool box and there were always plenty of broken things to fix. I stayed clean and managed to get into only slightly more trouble than an Average Junior Enlisted might. On my last day, I saluted my Commander, shook his hand and About Face to my truck waiting off base.
I had BIG plans. I was going to make a Name for myself and I was going to take over the Wor.....
Ooh, look.... Dope. Within a month, it was like I hadn’t ever stopped using.
Fast Forward 5 years, (insert number) of bad attempts to get and stay clean. I quit jobs and I was fired from jobs. I was no longer allowed to be in my parents house. My friends, who still cared for and about me didn’t want me around if I was high. The gaps all fill in fairly typical fashion.
The end of that whole mess came on a Sunday morning. I had been asleep for a bit more than 24 hours and the girl I was seeing handed me the keys to my truck and said ‘It’s all packed, everything of yours.’ ‘I can’t do this any more, you are killing me.’ She had never used, not even once. I never brought it around her because of that. But that also meant I would spend days, a week or more just gone, sporadic phone calls and texts. I don’t know how she put up with it for so long.
I had used up literally every single option I had. So I scraped up a few hundred bucks and it was Destination Anywhere.
But that was my wake up call, and it worked. I my act together and I got clean. I have stumbled a few times in the 12 or so years since, but they were just stumbles. A quick punch in the face and I was back in line.
And then, the sneaky, insidious bastard.
It happened so slowly that I didn’t even suspect there might be a problem until a couple of years ago. But I eased my mind.....
‘There are plenty of people who drink way more than I do’
‘I have never snuck away at work to have a drink’
‘If I really had a problem, my friends would tell me.’
I am sure everyone here can add to the list.
It hit me full in the face when, on a Monday morning at 245 I said ‘Yeah, I’ll have another.’ I had to work at 730. What am I doing?!? So I called in sick and sat on the steps with a half pack of smokes and I sifted through the last 3 years in my brain. I was horrified by what I found.
So, I had my last drink 5 days ago. It has been a BRUTAL 5 days. My whole body hates me. Shakes, sweats, my everything has been in rebellion. Today was better, though, so that gives me hope. The itching also started today, that’s what brought me to this forum.
Sleeping is going to be my biggest short-term struggle, evidently you can forget how to fall asleep... There was a time in my life that I would have marked that in the win column.
I can’t help but laugh right now, as bad a time as I had giving up crank, this is worse. By several degrees.
Go me!! Round 1 was just a warm up. Just preparation for my 2nd Act.
If you have read this far, thank you.
It kind of feels good to get parts of it tapped out in black and white.
And remember... If all else fails, have you tried a punch in the face? It works for me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: South Africa
Posts: 1,536
Thank you for your post and welcome to SR, illNsickly. Sounds like you have managed to dodge a few bullets in the past, and you must know that you can do it again. Lots of support to be found here.
With a few ups and downs in between this site has helped me gain more and more sober time than I have ever had in the many years before I decided to join. The goal of course is to attain permanent sobriety, and I feel strongly that I am on my way.
With a few ups and downs in between this site has helped me gain more and more sober time than I have ever had in the many years before I decided to join. The goal of course is to attain permanent sobriety, and I feel strongly that I am on my way.
Last edited by CaptainHaddock; 06-30-2018 at 10:39 PM. Reason: Typo
Keep Going
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: England
Posts: 1,530
Hi illN, it made me smile when you said evidently you can forget how to fall asleep. Well not smile because that’s knowledge no-one wants but it brought back memories of my withdrawals. I know I opened a door into madness.
It’s great you’re through these 5 days and, as they say, you need never go back there ever again. This is a good place full of people who will support you and tell you the truth. I hope you stick around. You seem like a nice guy and I’m sure you’ll help many people in the future
It’s great you’re through these 5 days and, as they say, you need never go back there ever again. This is a good place full of people who will support you and tell you the truth. I hope you stick around. You seem like a nice guy and I’m sure you’ll help many people in the future
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
Welcome to SR illnsickly. Thank you for your service. 
. 5 days is great. Every day that goes by, your body is detoxing more and more. You're healing and that's a good thing! I also had the itchiness . It is horrible and for me, the itching seemed to come from under my skin. I had the itching mostly on my arms and neck. What worked for me was a type of vaseline (a heavy cream would probably work) and not covering my arms or neck. Benadryl also helped. Sometimes during especially intense itching, rubbing an ice cube on my skin helped. Your itchies should get better soon. Staying close to SR reading and posting will help in reinforcing your commitment to sobriety. If you are in danger of caving, post BEFORE you pick up and wait for help. SR has talked me off the ledge on numerous occasions. I'm rooting for you. You can do this. 
. 5 days is great. Every day that goes by, your body is detoxing more and more. You're healing and that's a good thing! I also had the itchiness . It is horrible and for me, the itching seemed to come from under my skin. I had the itching mostly on my arms and neck. What worked for me was a type of vaseline (a heavy cream would probably work) and not covering my arms or neck. Benadryl also helped. Sometimes during especially intense itching, rubbing an ice cube on my skin helped. Your itchies should get better soon. Staying close to SR reading and posting will help in reinforcing your commitment to sobriety. If you are in danger of caving, post BEFORE you pick up and wait for help. SR has talked me off the ledge on numerous occasions. I'm rooting for you. You can do this. Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Arlington, Texas
Posts: 64
Your story sounds awfully, awfully familiar....
I started drinking as a kid and rather quickly moved on to drugs. My drug of choice was cocaine (it was the 90s) and I imploded my life quite spectacularly.
I got off drugs in 1996 and never looked back. And I did the same thing that so many people do. "Well, my problem was with drugs. I don't have a problem with alcohol!"
I have a huge problem with alcohol. After I got off drugs, I spent two decades seeing just how bad my problem with alcohol could get.
I've known for about 18 years that I was in trouble, but I could not quit. I could not convince myself I was worth saving. Then in 2016, I quit for 7 months - and totally screwed it up because I was pretty sure I could handle a weekend. Uh, no.
Now I'm back almost to 7 months again and I pray every day that this can be my forever.
On to your specific drive-you-nuts symptoms. The sleep was the absolute worst for me. When I quit in 2016, I did not fully sleep for ten solid days and nights. My body had no idea how when I had passed out every night for decades. It was BRUTAL. I was sure I wasn't going to make it, I was sure I was never going to sleep again, I was sure that I would be 100% crazy at whatever end was coming my way.
But - on that 11th day, I slept 6 hours. And that 6 hours was more restful than all the sleep I'd had for years and years and years. And my body relearned how to sleep. Give yours some time to adjust. It will happen for you. I had to go through it again when I detoxed this time, and thankfully, it wasn't that bad.
The itching - oh yes, I had that too. I bought one of those stupid itch pens for a spot right behind my knee that I wouldn't stop scratching and put bandaids on particular spots that were bad so I would at least partially leave them alone. And where my poor, abused liver is, it felt like bubbles - sometimes itchy bubbles there - for months and months. I've heard a lot of people mention the bubble sensation. The general consensus is that it's your body healing. It's weird, whatever it is.
I hope you come back to visit and talk and heal. This is a lovely place.
I started drinking as a kid and rather quickly moved on to drugs. My drug of choice was cocaine (it was the 90s) and I imploded my life quite spectacularly.
I got off drugs in 1996 and never looked back. And I did the same thing that so many people do. "Well, my problem was with drugs. I don't have a problem with alcohol!"
I have a huge problem with alcohol. After I got off drugs, I spent two decades seeing just how bad my problem with alcohol could get.
I've known for about 18 years that I was in trouble, but I could not quit. I could not convince myself I was worth saving. Then in 2016, I quit for 7 months - and totally screwed it up because I was pretty sure I could handle a weekend. Uh, no.
Now I'm back almost to 7 months again and I pray every day that this can be my forever.
On to your specific drive-you-nuts symptoms. The sleep was the absolute worst for me. When I quit in 2016, I did not fully sleep for ten solid days and nights. My body had no idea how when I had passed out every night for decades. It was BRUTAL. I was sure I wasn't going to make it, I was sure I was never going to sleep again, I was sure that I would be 100% crazy at whatever end was coming my way.
But - on that 11th day, I slept 6 hours. And that 6 hours was more restful than all the sleep I'd had for years and years and years. And my body relearned how to sleep. Give yours some time to adjust. It will happen for you. I had to go through it again when I detoxed this time, and thankfully, it wasn't that bad.
The itching - oh yes, I had that too. I bought one of those stupid itch pens for a spot right behind my knee that I wouldn't stop scratching and put bandaids on particular spots that were bad so I would at least partially leave them alone. And where my poor, abused liver is, it felt like bubbles - sometimes itchy bubbles there - for months and months. I've heard a lot of people mention the bubble sensation. The general consensus is that it's your body healing. It's weird, whatever it is.
I hope you come back to visit and talk and heal. This is a lovely place.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Illinios
Posts: 10
Been there...night sweats, itchiness (mostly my legs) and complete inability to fall asleep! I wish I could reassure you that it gets better (and i know it does) but i personally haven't made it that far yet. Am planning another attempt soon. I've read 7 weeks to sobriety and i know there are very mixed opinions about that subject, but it made a LOT of sense to me and I purchased the supplements to help with withdrawals/cravings this time around. Have you looked into some supplemental nutrition to help?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 9
Thank you for the Welcome.
As much trouble as I had with dope, I have a feeling this is going to be even harder.
This first week or so sucks, plain and simple. But every single day of it is a constant reminder that I have to do this. Right now, it is easy to say that I can’t have a drink. The real test is going to come in the next weeks and months, after the insomnia, discomfort, pain and hopefully Itchyness pass. My Discipline and self control will have to hold me up. I have a lot of good people around me, and a few who have fought the battle for sobriety. So I have hope.
The punch in the face only actually happened once, but I earned it. Since then, every time I started to fall down the memory of that punch was enough to get me back on the road.
As much trouble as I had with dope, I have a feeling this is going to be even harder.
This first week or so sucks, plain and simple. But every single day of it is a constant reminder that I have to do this. Right now, it is easy to say that I can’t have a drink. The real test is going to come in the next weeks and months, after the insomnia, discomfort, pain and hopefully Itchyness pass. My Discipline and self control will have to hold me up. I have a lot of good people around me, and a few who have fought the battle for sobriety. So I have hope.
The punch in the face only actually happened once, but I earned it. Since then, every time I started to fall down the memory of that punch was enough to get me back on the road.
Vietnam Vet
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Georgia
Posts: 421
Originally Posted by illNsickly 
No, I haven’t.
I am considering a counselor, though.
I am considering a counselor, though.
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