AmbyMarie

I’ve been lurking for a few days and am finally brave enough to make a first post. I’m 35 years old and have had a problem with drink for the better part of 15 years, thinking til drunk several nights a week except for 2 pregnancies. My sons are 5&7 and I love them fiercely and am ashamed of the times the have been around me drunk, most of the time blacking our. This last Friday night, I drank a whole bottle of vodka and couldn’t recall most of the evening, I was mortified, I had enough!! Today, I am 4 days sober, but that is nothing new, I would regularly go 2, 3, 4 days without drinking, but this time I have NO DESIRE to drink ever again! I owe it to my precious boys and to myself! My fear is the physical damage I have done to my liver😥. Even though I drank maybe 2-3 times a week, and rarely ever back to back, I fear the damage I have already done as it was not unusual for me to drink a couple of bottles of wine on these boozy nights, or a pint of vodka and a few beers. Just writing this breaks my heart, I hate that I disliked myself so much to do this to my poor body and liver. I’m not the healthiest girl as I’m overweight but have 100% committed myself to living properly and SOBER!! But as of now, I am having crippling anxiety over it all, that it is too late and I’m doomed to an early grave due to cirrhosis. And of course google hasn’t helped, as I now think I have all the symptoms even though I didn’t feel that way a week ago. I’m constantly checking my eyes for yellow, fearful my palms are a bit red, know think I’m itching everywhere, checking for ascities, but now it’s just fat as I can easily suck it in🤭. I know I need to be checked out, but I don’t have insurance and am broke! Am trying to save up to see a Dr. or at least get blood work done, but until then I want to ease my mind. Can anyone give any positive vibes my way, or stories of hope. I’ve never been so scared in my life that I have doomed myself to die, leaving my kids to grow up without a Mother. The guilt I feel that I caused this because of stupid alcohol makes it hard to breathe. Please pray for me

resolute50

Hi AmbyMarie.
Welcome to SR.
First off realize that you've made a BIG plus here in your choice to post here .
It's a wonderful site with a lot of people that have been through all the wilds of alcohol addiction and recovery. I'm one of them.
It will be 5 years for me in July.
Try to not let your worries of having a hurt liver get you all worked up.
The liver is actually a very resilient organ and can recover nicely if the poisoning stops. My advice to you is to USE this site. Talk with us, there is always somebody here as it's world wide. Prayer for you and all others that are struggling to get sober. You can do it.
And be the mom you want to for your boys.
Again welcome.

resolute50

Sorry for the poor typing. I have 10 thumbs when typing fast.

MantaLady

Hey AmbyMarie, welcome to SR and congrats on getting to Day 4!! Try not to worry to much, google can send anyone into a tail spin thinking we have alsorts. You are not alone, there are many others here with little ones and have been through what you are going through, they will be able to support you through this. I am only 23 days in so don't feel like I have enough good advice to offer yet as I am still learning but wanted to say good job posting and putting yourself and your little ones first and chosing to take that step towards sobriety. You can do this and keep strong xx

Rar

Welcome AmbyMarie.....As Resolute points out, the liver is an amazingly resilient organ. 1st step is to stay off the drink. 4 days is great progress. You will find lots of support here on SR. We all understand where you are and most of us have had or currently have various health anxieties, some related to alcohol. Stay away from Dr. Google. No good can come from that. (I speak from experience, having scared myself numerous times). Checking in daily with SR, reading and posting as you feel like it, will help in keeping you on your sobriety path. Glad you're here.

least

Welcome to the family. I hope you'll make use of the support here to help you get sober for good.

grayghost1965

Resist the urge to Google/Wiki/WebMD yourself into a frenzy. I would suggest you see your family doctor and be honest with him/her what you're doing. They will be nothing but supportive. In some cases, I know people have gone to the ER for withdrawal help, and if you can find child care for a day or two, this might be helpful.

Good luck - be kind to yourself.

Dee74

Hi and welcome AmbyMarie
Congrats on 4 days

I echo the advice to stay off Dr Google. I terrified myself that way more than once.

The likelihood is, like most of us, is that you're ok.

I do urge you to get a check up as soon as you can manage it, but the likelihood is there's probably not much wrong with you that can't be remedied by becoming a non drinker

You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here - I'm glad you've joined us

D

AmbyMarie

Thank you all! Just writing it out and knowing I’m not alone helps. Of course, now I think my liver feels “weird”, like I know it’s there and any twinge in that area freaks me out! Ugh, the mind😜. Just took some Melatonin and watching tv, kids fed and in pajamas settling down for the night. I really hope I can sleep tonight, the health Anxiety has kept me up the last couple of nights! I know I’m doing the right thing, and it’s hard not to beat yourself up when you finally have a clear mind!! I hate feeling like this, every hour it seems like I’m focusing on a new “symptom”, thanks all for listening. I feel better knowing you are all here, I have a feeling this is gonna be a regular site for my ongoing sobriety. I’m excited for what the future will bring! I KNOW I can do this, I will NEVER drink again....glad I came to this realization at 35, just wish I would have 10 years ago😉. But better late than ever, hope my anxiety and symptoms lessen in the upcoming days and weeks. Bless you all

Hevyn

Hi AmbyMarie - congrats on your 4 days.

I drank way longer than you - and in the end, it was every day. For years. I had no ill effects from my stupidity. You already know only a dr. can tell you if there's a problem - but please don't assume you won't heal & have a wonderful, long life.

Being here every day gives me the motivation to never go back to that horrible place we came from. You sound determined - we know you can do this.

icewater1961

I am still scared and even balk at my own shadow. But there is hope and support. It took me a long time to reach out. Asking for help was not easy but when I did the rewards have been awesome.

Anna

AmbyMarie, Welcome and I'm glad you found us.

Try to shift your focus on what you can do to stay sober and live a healthy life. I think if you allow yourself to worry too much, it could lead you back to drinking. What you can do now is to come up with a plan for how to live a healthy and sober life. I would like to change things from my drinking years too, but of course, we can only go forward. You will find lots of support here, so I hope you will continue to read and post.

Verdantia

Welcome, AmbyMarie. 4 days is excellent. Please try not to worry so much. Our bodies can take a lot of punishment and the liver has amazing recuperative powers. At the end of my drinking it was all day every day, stopping only to pass out and wake a few hours later. I had pain in my right side and elevated liver enzymes but now it's back to normal. You can do this and you have great motivation from your little ones to live a sober and healthy life.
I hope you stick around and post often. SR has been a vital part of my getting and staying sober. Wishing you all the best--you can do this!

Bumblebee2

Hi! Just want to say welcome and I can relate. I am 37, with two young girls. I also would drink to the point of black out and have terrible regret and remorse.. feeling like the worst mom in the world. I was torturing myself.

I also analyzed my eyes in my close up makeup mirror for signs of yellow.

I am very early in this road of sobriety but I also want to make it a change the rest of my life.

The good news is we can both do it, before things get worse. It can only get better from here 😊

Madnellie

Welcome, AmbyMarie and huge congrats on the 4 days. My health has improved massively since I quit (aged 37). I've dropped quite a bit of weight, my blood pressure is back in the healthy range and the mysterious pains in my right side has vanished.

At about 3 months sober or so I visited my doctor to get a check up and blood work to ease my mind and everything came back great. I'm very blessed to live in a country with free healthcare, so having to save up thankfully wasn't an issue for me. Is it very expensive to get a check up where you are?

To end on an upbeat note, as others have said, the liver is a very resilient organ. I have a friend who is in remission from liver cancer (not related to any kind of addiction issue) and had to have part of her liver removed. New healthy liver tissue grew in its place in next to no time

You are in my prayers, friend.