CassieK

Just a quick background on me: I am 53 yrs old and have drank most of my life. Divorced (mostly due to alcohol) and I drank to self medicate, due to PTSD. I have just been released from a 30 day inpatient rehab center. I am currently remarried.

Now the question for people: My current wife is doing all she can to undermine my sobriety. She is extremely controlling and being drunk all the time, allowed her to control my every move.

Now that I am sober, I am looking at doing all the activities I used to do: Travel, hiking/backbacking, etc. None of these activities my wife likes to do and they threaten her. Her line, "You will find someone more like you and leave me for them."

Has anyone else ran into an issue where their significant other DOESN'T want them sober? And if so, what did you do? I am at the point, where I am getting ready to move out of the house and let the chips fall where they may.

least

I would just continue with your sober life and see what happens. You're newly sober and that in itself takes a little getting used to.

You don't have to make any big decisions right now. Let life unfold sober and see how it goes.

Renvate

You will find someone more like you and leave me for them." - she has a point

I am getting ready to move out of the house and let the chips fall where they may. - you are backing up her point

relationships can be built on anything, even on the love of alcohol and the time spent together drinking. Once one partner stops, then new common interests need to be redirected to save it. That's if deep down you both want to save it.

Berrybean

Why not continue to focus on your recovery - learning to deal with life in new and different ways (rather than self-medicating through alcohol). Once you've given that a serious run then you could look at changing things outside yourself.

Actually your wife can't stop you hiking or whatever, no matter how much she drinks. Reassuring her that you have no intention of meeting anyone else and your true reasons for wanting to start these activities up again might help.

What did the rehab people suggest you do when you come out? I wouldnt be suprised if it would have been along the lines of Get to meetings.... Work a program. If you do these things then in time you'll be ready to sort out the other stuff. First things first.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.

BB

StellaBlu

But truthfully, one could always find someone 'more like oneself' whether sober or drunk. Even if you're sober, life/marriage holds no guarantees, no? I see [marriage] as a commitment and continual growth - both personal and as a couple. Being a drunk tends to stagnate that relationship growth IMO.

PeacefulWater12

My alkie husband continued to drink so was sabotaging towards my quit. I found I had to focus on myself and my program and my growth.

We are both very different people now (I am 8 years sober, he is still daily drinker) and if we met now we would not be attracted to each other.

VigilanceNow

This is actually pretty common, I believe. People come out of rehabs/AA meetings intent on improving themselves and using the tools they learned , and sometimes spouses or significant others feel threatened, like you think you’re better than them. It will be a new dynamic, but decidedly better than getting drunk and having no control!

I’d say just focus on your recovery 100%. Your wife is adjusting to things as well; it is likely to even out once she sees how you function sober. If you really feel that she is deliberately sabotaging you, that’s when to start thinking of moving out. She’s been able to control you due to your intoxication for years; she now is learning a new side of you.

FreeOwl

As hard as it will feel, if I were in your shoes I’d reassure my wife I love and cherish her (if in fact that’s how I felt), explain that my sobriety is the most crucial thing for me and that I need to focus on that - at all costs.

I’d do my best to remain engaged and aware of her needs, but also let go of expectation and simply focus on being fully honest and fully focused on what must be done to continue deepening my sobriety.

I’d also consider engaging my wife with a good counselor who understands alcoholism and addiction to help support our relationship during my early recovery.

Rar

Hi Cassie - I agree with the others here in that your sobriety should come first. What common interests (other than drinking) did you share prior to your rehab? Perhaps you could revisit some of those? Maybe there is some new activity or interest both of you could start together? But, if you have a love of hiking, backpacking, etc., I think you should continue those activities. It's not like you'll be doing them 24/7.

Well done on completing rehab. You're doing great!

tomsteve

that response is a tactic used often. quite often read about in the F&F forum here.
since shes controlling, it could be she realizes she no longer has a hostage and trying to manipulate you with those words.
i suggest posting youre questions/concerns down in the F&F forum since youre dealing with a practicing alcoholic. lots of great advice and experience down there on this subject.

Ladysadie

It's extremely hard Cassie. Only you can make that decision to stay or move on. I understand the sabotaging behavior as I have a SO who continues to drink and other things (he eats poorly as well, buys stuff I don't want in the house). Funny thing is he enjoys several brands of alcohol I would not even be tempted to touch but instead buys my brand, which tells me he is passively trying to undermine my sobriety.

My situation is different in that he maintains a residence elsewhere so I really enjoy my "me" time and do much better when he is gone. I love my independence and wouldn't trade that for anything.

CassieK

Thank you all for your advice. I would like to say this: My wife doesn't drink or do drugs at all. She is just extremely controlling, with no self-esteem and sees my sobriety as a threat to our relationship. I've tried the reassuring route and the counseling route; neither have worked.

I am sober now and doing all I can to stay that way. When I said I was willing to let the chips fall where they may, I am mentally preparing myself for the worse. If I don't, I'll let my guard down and head back to the beer, which will do no one any good, especially me.

Again, thank you for all the advice

Fluffer

Hi Cassie, don’t know if this applies to your situation, but there are some “partners” who like their mate stunted and weak so they can hold the reins. And some just fear the change. If it’s the former, I would mentally prepare myself for a split. If she’s actively undermining you that is poison.

GReetings from the East Bay.

Fluff

Maudcat

Hi, Cassie.
Congratulations on your sobriety.
I don’t have experience with rehab, so can’t speak to that, but I have been on this site long enough to know that emotions are all over the place in early sobriety, for both partners.
As others have said, I would focus on recovery and let the relationship unfold.
Your spouse sounds very insecure, and you are not the same person you were before quitting the drink. Understandably, she is worried.
The primary goal is to stay sober. If you can do that, the rest will go the way it’s meant to go.
Good luck and good thoughts.

icewater1961

I am not here to diagnose the situation but maybe her role of a care taker or something a bit like an enabler was taken away from her and that's when the insecurities come out. If you still think you can make it work find some common ground. Alcoholics make bad decisions, I know I have! Just don't be resentful towards her, and most of all, don't drink! Everyone deserves some "me time ", so go for those hikes. Give it some time. It has only been a while. She sees you in a new light and you see her in a new light. Hopefully you will figure it all out.