corruptedheart

Good morning,
I have read a few posts on this site and find myself wanting to read more... to find hope in a story similar to mine.
Eight years ago, I met a smart.. funny.. complicated man. We had long discussions.. enjoyed each others company .. and yes.. partied whenever we were together. This was usually on a Friday since we both had careers. We went from drinking on the weekend to drinking every night. .. but he still managed to go to work and not drink. We have been through a lot. He lost his mother to cancer (she was a recovering alcoholic). ... We lost a child... and we lost his father to liver disease (not a heavy drinker..at least not in his later years.) Just recently he lost his job... he had been called into his managers office a few times for being abrasive and the last straw was him blowing up at his manager... He started drinking every day all day..I because less and less interested in drinking .. because .. well... it wasn't fun .. it was no longer a relaxing release at the end of the day... it went from a couple of drinks to him drinking 30 + beers a day. (He won't drink hard liquor because he says it affects him differently). I would still drink in the evening but it became a way for me to just be around him.

His mom left him a house and his father left him enough money so that we could buy our dream house in another state.
We bought the house and decided he would go ahead of me so that he could get a job and get the house ready while the children finished school... The thought was that he was going to "get himself together" ..we both were.
I still have a glass of wine or 2 at night to get to sleep so I know that I need help to get rid of this mentality that I need it to sleep r to be able to skype with him at night and not get so so frustrated by his mental state... or have to listen to him yell at me for not drinking.
He has been drinking more and more... he wakes up at 6 AM and drinks... I am afraid to as how much! He rarely eats and I am watching as his body deteriorates. he has lost so much weight... He was invited to our new neighbors house one day ... he doesn't remember leaving and they have avoided him since. He doesn't know what he could have done to scare them away.
I have asked him to just get out during the day... go to the YMCA to get a membership... go to the lake where he grew up and enjoy the outside. .. The only time he leaves the house is to go to the store to buy more beer. He did have two semi successful days where he didn't drink until later in the day.... I have told him he needs to be supervised while he detoxes and he tells me no... says he knows how they do it and tried to use the anti anxiety meds he was prescribed to make it through the day. (He normally will not take them as he knows he cannot drink while on them.).. He went back to drinking the next day.
He won't get help... says he has tried....he always has an excuse and a "if only",. I don't know what to do... I'm literally watching him die .. I am scared... angry.. I feel guilty for drinking along with him for so many years.... for letting him leave to a place where I can't physically help him. .. for getting healthy.. or trying to.

Sorry this was so long

thomas11

Hi and welcome to SR. I think others will agree with me that unfortunately you will not be able to make him stop. Only he holds that power. Based on your description, I agree that he is slowly dying, especially is he is undergoing weight loss. I believe keeping some focus on yourself and your own well being is important in these difficult times. I wish you the best.

Gilmer

You need to continue taking care of yourself.

He has to want to quit. You cannot “manage” him for damage control. You might actually be enabling his alcoholism. He needs to suffer some consequences. Hopefully that will show him how far gone he is.

Have you tried Al-Anon?

There is also a Friends and Family section on this site where you can find wisdom from others who have been in your boat.

CRRHCC

I'm very sorry for your situation. I can relate to it. I was a functional alcoholic for more than 4 decades. When a person lacks healthy purpose and values in life, they attempt to regain control of their feelings (emotions) with the quick fix or mood changer of chemicals. Values and purpose are the main navigational tools in life.

In my experience, addictions always serve an emotional purpose. Reasons for drinking are driven by emotional factors, usually feelings of helplessness (about whatever in my life makes me feel overwhelmingly trapped). The antidote is to replace those trapped feelings with empowering high value behaviors. Perhaps you can ask him-rekindle those old conversations that you use to have. Get professional help together.

I know this is a gross oversimplification, but when your values trump your addiction, there is no addiction.

corruptedheart

Thank you all and I will look into the friends and family section.
I have spoken to him about how we used to sit up talking all night and how close we were. Now when we talk, I feel like i'm talking to a child. There is no substance to our conversations and I am becoming increasingly resentful .. as is he.. I feel like he's chosen alcohol over his family and he feels like I am abandoning him... He's upset that I refuse to drink with him..and I feel guilty that I am able to have a drink or 2 and stop while he is struggling so.
I'm sorry if this is in the wrong section..I guess I'm just trying to understand him better..... and thank you again for being so kind.

Edited to say.. I have not tried Al-anon but I am headed that way...

FlawedNFntastic

I'm coming in with a big overshare and I already know my story is not the one you want to hear.

I got married decades ago to a man who was smart, funny, sarcastic, and complicated. When we met, I was addicted to drugs and headed quickly to an early grave. He decided he was going to save me - to fix me - and he did. I've been off drugs for 21 years.

Then we started drifting toward alcohol. Both of us had a family history of alcoholism, but I wasn't really educated about it and didn't know how dangerous it could be. I very quickly became a drunk, and a bad drunk at that. He was drinking every night too, but comparatively, I was so, so much worse.

Flash forward two decades of functional and not-so-functional alcoholism for both of us. We had a kid, his mom died (drank herself to death), my husband had been to war a couple times and now had some pretty serious mental issues to add, and he got transferred to a different base and we both decided we would separate for a while to see if we could each get ourselves together and then come back together as a family.

I have the kid with me and the kid has no one else but me, so when I had to, I stepped up to the plate. I cut down my drinking (but never enough, I always had bad nights), I quit three or four times for brief periods, then for seven months, had a bad relapse, and now I'm sober for what I hope will be always.

The husband, on the other hand, did not fare so well. On his own, he started drinking from the second he woke up till the second he passed out, every day. When people in his life commented that maybe he needed help, he always replied that he wasn't as bad as I am, so he didn't need help. He was forced to retire, and now he doesn't leave his house except to buy alcohol.

Last year, he drank himself into alcoholic ketoacidosis and his kidneys failed. He got some cognitive damage and spent two months in the hospital, part of it in a coma. They told him he had to quit drinking or he would die. He said he's not as bad as I am, so he doesn't need help.

A lot more gory drama happened, and basically, my kid said, "Is he ever going to be able to get me? Would a judge let him take me?" I'd been living in fear of my husband for years, but I thought I'd sheltered the kid enough. I was wrong. I talked to my husband and he gave me a divorce and more importantly, all rights to the kid.

After the divorce (which he signed off on from his house and didn't bother coming to court), things were actually a little better. He sounded hopeful and started making plans for the future for a whopping three weeks. But then he started making horrible comments about how he didn't believe I was sober and how I should just drink because I'm easier to deal with when I do. I didn't engage in the fighting like he wanted me to. So he declared that he was going to get himself together and come up here and show us how much better than us he is. He cut all contact with me and the kid and tried to dry out. He lasted four hours.

So now I have no contact with him, my kid has no dad, and the only person he contacts is my mom. He is still drinking all day every day, he won't get help (he still doesn't believe he needs it), he has no job, and the only time he leaves the house is to go get alcohol because the church group that feeds him won't buy him alcohol.

I know at some point I will get that phone call that he's gone. I look at pictures of him from 20 years ago, and he's unrecognizable. He was full of hope and witty and funny and anxious to make a difference in the world. One of the hardest truths I had to face was that I couldn't save him. I couldn't fix him. He fixed me all those years ago, but I wanted to get better. I wanted to live. I don't think he wants to get better and I don't think he wants to live. Everyone and their monkey has tried to help him and he just swats all their hands away.

It is shockingly painful to go through your side of what you're going through. I know. There is no place to put that pain and literally nothing you can do to help him if he doesn't want you to.

You have to save what you can, and that's you, and that's your kids. I'm not saying turn your back on him. Extend all the helping hands you can, maybe he will take one of them. But you matter. Your kids matter. You guys need helping hands too. Please take care of yourselves while you are in this mess.

Gilmer

This is not the wrong section to post in at all!

It’s just that many of us come at things from the alcoholic’s angle, and the posters in the Friends and Family section can address you and your needs! They know the difficulty of living with alcoholics, and they know how to cope.

They are the copERS—we were those who needed to be coped WITH.

You’ll get valuable input from both sides.

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, corruptedheart. I am so sorry for what brings you here but am very glad you found us.

You will find an abundance of support and understanding at SR.

The addict/alcoholic must truly want sobriety and recovery. It is absolutely up to them.

The best thing that you can do now is take very good care of yourself. Alanon could be very beneficial for you.

I am very sorry for what you are going through.

5upersonic

Welcome Corruptedheart. I'm sorry that I can't offer advice on your situation but I know you will find others here who have the experience and knowledge to do so, so do stick around.

corruptedheart

Again, Thank you all so very much. I will stick around in hopes that there is some glimmer of hope... something that I haven't tried... or just for comfort in the fact that many people do recover and go on to live healthy, sober lives. I keep hearing and reading that he needs to want to stop, and intellectually, I know this is true.. I also know that, while he does want to cut back, he does not want to stop. He enjoys drinking no matter what it is doing to his body... or to our family.
This once beautiful.. 6 foot 190 pound man.. reduced to a shadow of his former self at 130 pounds... He's only 38 .. I should not be preparing for his funeral.

Please forgive my rant... weak moment.

Dee74

nothing to forgive corruptedheart - this is a safe place to vent and share.

welcome tho

I'm sorry for what brings you here. It must be doubly hard to watch it from a distance.

You will find support here.

I wish it was possible to love someone into recovery but in my experience that's not been the case.

It is definitely not your fault he's drinking either.

If you had that much power he'd be sober, down at the Y and looking for work or productive ways to fill his day.

D

least

I hope you can get some support for yourself.