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I'm back - and with an accountability thread this time.

Old 05-07-2018, 05:11 PM
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I'm back - and with an accountability thread this time.

I return rather resigned and in a poor mood, unfortunately. I have not really been totally 'gone'. I have been reading a lot but also drinking a lot. My last great attempt was a few weeks ago when I made 8 days. It sadly went downhill after I decided to drink yet again.

We went to a party yesterday and I had wine, didn't get drunk, got back home around 10-ish, put my son to bed and started on beer (and I don't really like beer much). So I was watching Empire, the series, (Iím on season one) and I blacked out. I woke up, thankfully, in bed, no bruises, no apparent craziness showed as having occurred but I felt really hangover, which puzzled me because I'd only had a little wine at the party and I almost never get bad hangovers from beer. So I figured it must have been because I mixed the two in one night. My husband complained that I smelled like a barrel of....something, who cares (you can tell I'm angry).

Anyway, turns out that at some point in my blacked out state I had 'stolen' some of my husband's brandy (he has banned me from drinking anything other than beer, lol, after my last few terrible benders that happened over the last couple of months. Anyway, who cares (again, the anger).

So, I totally had no recollection of sneaking the brandy and all would've been great except, I stupidly hid my unfinished glass (probably to get back to it today) and he found it. I was mortified and embarrassed... Gosh It's almost funny. He was mad but resigned. I got away without a long lecture this time.

But you know what, because of how 'inexplicably' dreadful I had felt ALL day I actually started to believe that I was getting allergic to alcohol. Like seriously, I thought, gosh, if a little wine and beer can do this much damage I'm better off making today my new day one. LOL, nope. It was the damn brandy. But for a second there, I was so happy at the thought that at last, magically, my body was physically rejecting the booze. And I know it's true medically anyway but the AV tends to win out many arguments. I just hoped and thought that maybe I'd found the easy way out.

I've been avoiding writing much here on SR to be honest. First, I've not felt like I have anything important or uplifting to say. Second, I wanted to avoid whining all the time (not that I mind other people whining butÖ I just feel like SR should be real work for me. Kind of like how I put in a real effort when I first joined in March 2017). Third, I honestly wasnít ready to commit to stop drinking. Heck, the thoughts going through my mind just this evening were how I wish my husband had not found my stash. It was well hidden though so with my black out, how was I ever going to find it myself????? Or, at the very least, his not finding it would have meant that I could go on drinking in secret. Stooooopid! So, I had sort of quit quitting, so to speak. Like I said before, I was reading, commenting a little, listening more to recovery audio (although thereís all sorts of stuff there and you never know when youíre going to get something good), oh I also started therapy (one session so far and another lined up this weekÖ. However, the therapy is not really for the alcohol. If (do you see the ĎIFí, sheesh!) I wanted to quit, thereís many other (cheaper) avenues like AA, AVRT, SR, etc. The therapy is for all my other sh*t.

So I really really did not want to start an accountability thread, or any other kind of thread for that matter. Hell, I didnít want to write anything at all. I was hiding. Iíve been ashamed and feeling like a loser (oh no, nobody pity me, please. Iím not pitying myself at all.). Thing is, Iíve read and listened so much that I know my worth, and I know I have worth and I know I can beat this thing. Iíve just been too lazy to start. Plus I really have been ashamed. Iíve isolated from family and friendsÖ seems like everyone now knows that Iím an alcoholic. Iím so ashamed of it, of being it and it has kept me drinking.

But then I was thinking a couple of days ago that one of my problems (and I need to address this with the therapist) is that I have/had not yet truly accepted that I am an alcoholic. I do/did not want to truly identify as this broken, pitiful human being. I loathed the idea and thus loathed myself and thus drank more. Even after coming here on SR and seemingly joining the community; even after my short stint with AA, where I did that whole thing of, ĎHi, Iím Lava and Iím an alcoholic (I actually thought it was a little hilariousÖ I laughed about it with my best friend afterwardÖ silly silly me). Then it dawned on me that I have been doing this with other Ďproblemí areas of my life tooÖ. Iíve done many bad things in the past, mistakes perhaps I should call them. I have not owned up to so many of them. I have run away and hidden from it all. There are some things that I consciously have refused to even acknowledge happened and yet they did. Hell, I know they happened, I was there and I did those terrible things. This is partly why (in addition to the therapy) I think doing the 12 steps would be really beneficial for me. But I know the inventory part (both steps 4 and 5) is going to be hard (though doable). The amends, I cannot even begin to think of that. I feel like all of my amends fall into the category of, Ďexcept when to do so would injure them or othersí. Seriously, I donít know how you AAers did it but it seems impossible to me right now. Also, Iíve wondered, those of you who have not done the 12 steps, how did/do you heal? If you did not take inventory, share with another person the exact nature, make the amends, etcÖ (I think the rest of the steps are so much easier, by the way), then how did you heal? Please tell me if there is an easier path out there.

So today I read through a thread by Hercules from 2 days ago titled, ĎItís so easy to stop drinking and that makes it so hard Ė 550 days soberí and it really resonated with me. It brought home the realization that my biggest obstacle to quitting was not stress, nor a physical addiction (since I actually can live physically very well without alcohol Ė for example if there was a prohibition in Uganda or the world for that matter, Iíd not bat too many eyelids, letís just say), nor even boredom (as I told/lied to my therapist when she asked why I think I drink). No. Itís simply because I donít/didnít want to stop. Full stop. I havenít/hadnít (oh God I hope I have this time) committed fully and thatís the only reason why. Iíve been letting myself fall for all of my own lies as to why I drink; my husband is difficult, my toddler is demanding, I need to drink when I go out or when Iím watching my TV shows, Iím depressed, Iím bored, bored, bored. Oh, I also quit my job recently which caused me a lot of anxiety and fear. Remember, I Ďquití, I wasnít fired. We (my husband, son and I) are planning on leaving the country for a prolonged period of time soon so I had to let the job go. Actually, it wasnít exactly quitting; I put in an application for extended unpaid leaveÖ. However, this major change just made me spiral down; I went from being needed (outside my home, that is) to being essentially a housewife (not a good thing for an alcoholic). I went from being at least somewhat self-sustaining to having to ask my husband for every little penny. I ended up being severely isolated, dealing almost constantly with a toddler (although I must admit that we have a lot of help and a good nanny so Iím not swamped Ė but that then gives me plenty opportunity to drink, you see.). Additionally, my husband works from home so we are ALWAYS in each otherís spaces and faces. I canít even work quietly on my computer without him wanting to know what it is Iím exactly doing. And, because thereís stuff that Iíve written here candidly about our relationship that I am not yet ready to disclose to him, I canít risk him reading my threads/posts. He knows I read on SR but doesnít know the extent of the community and how things work. He, I think, simply thinks Iím reading some self-help stuff. I know this kind of thing is not healthy but thatís just where I am right now. Perhaps the therapy will help.

OK, so this has become a novel now. At least itís a thread and I can post little bits here and there as the days go by. Iím hoping to keep it going for a month to help me really kick start and commit to my sobriety. Itís hard work but it has got to be done. I also hope to not let you guys down. You are all really special.

Oh, before I forget, and to preempt Dee, I do have the beginnings of a real, written down plan. I had (stubbornly) not done that previously but it has become a do or die thing for me now so Iíve been scribbling down things and ideas that have been coming to me all day. Oh, one other thing that I had stubbornly and stupidly desisted from doing is to post here before having a drinkÖ Thereís many reasons I didnít in the past but itís now going into the plan and letís see how this thing goes. Plus Iíve joined the May class.

Thank you guys for your unending support.

P.S. I know I've used the word, 'stupid' here a lot in this post but I don't really think so lowly of myself so don't give it too much thought. I know I need to be kinder to myself, speak and think more positively, etc, but it's use here has been similar to

Lava.
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Old 05-07-2018, 05:30 PM
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glad you have a accountability plan

having formal service positions in AA where i am accountable - missed by people if i dont show up ...

is the #1 contributor to my intact sobriety date

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Old 05-07-2018, 05:55 PM
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I’m glad to see you, Lava!

Post as often as you need to.
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Old 05-08-2018, 05:08 AM
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Welcome back Lava

D
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Old 05-08-2018, 05:41 AM
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Hi Lava! How’s it going today?
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Old 05-08-2018, 05:52 AM
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Hope you find the leverage to put it down Lava. Nothing about that story sounded funny to me.

Welcome back. How are you today?
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Old 05-08-2018, 01:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Welcome back Lava

D
Thanks, Dee, and everyone else 😊
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Old 05-08-2018, 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
Hope you find the leverage to put it down Lava. Nothing about that story sounded funny to me.

Welcome back. How are you today?
I know, less... I havenít drank today and donít plan to. These first days are really hard because itís easy to rationalize that itís not like Iím losing a month, 3 months, a yearís sobriety.... So itís easier to slip up. Iím hanging in there though.

Thanks for the support.
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Old 05-08-2018, 01:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Lava256 View Post
I know, less... I havenít drank today and donít plan to. These first days are really hard because itís easy to rationalize that itís not like Iím losing a month, 3 months, a yearís sobriety.... So itís easier to slip up. Iím hanging in there though.

Thanks for the support.
It's always today though, you know?

Also I think the AV is strong whenever it wants to be. Easily can argue conversely that we pick up after months of sobriety because we "deserve it" or we "got complacent" etc.

But it's always today. And I'm not drinking today.

Glad to hear you are doing ok. Keep it up.
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Old 05-08-2018, 01:10 PM
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Originally Posted by yinzer View Post
Hi Lava! Howís it going today?
Hey... So far so good. Not touched a drink. Iím not as psyched though as Iíd hoped to be. I wasnít very productive so Iím thinking of turning in early tonight instead of wasting time watching useless TV shows... I donít know... Just put my son in bed so weíll see.

Iím not touching a drink though. Thatís for sure!

Oh, also got some sad news about a work colleague whoís been in hospital for high blood pressure and I suspect a host of other things... Apparently he was a heavy drinker. He died today. So sad.
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Old 05-08-2018, 01:15 PM
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
It's always today though, you know?

Also I think the AV is strong whenever it wants to be. Easily can argue conversely that we pick up after months of sobriety because we "deserve it" or we "got complacent" etc.

But it's always today. And I'm not drinking today.

Glad to hear you are doing ok. Keep it up.
Youíre right, I guess. The AV can rationalize drinking at any point in time. Itís just that Iíve never racked up even one month so I donít know how that feels yet. TBH, I usually get a bit jarred/shocked to hear/read someone going back to drinking after, say, 6 years sober! Iím always like, What the hell were you thinking? Not in a bad way but Iím not there yet in my knowledge of how bad this disease is.
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Old 05-10-2018, 08:57 AM
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How are things going, Lava?
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Old 05-13-2018, 05:12 PM
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Lava! Hello and how absolutely positively wonderful to see you posting. I have been away from the forum since May 5 so am just now seeing this thread. I think you are taking a wonderful step by starting this. I hope everything is going well. You are so strong, I know you are, posting this is just another affirmation of that.

I hope you feel you can keep the thread going even if you have hard times during the next month. If anybody understands some of the struggles you are having, it is the people here on SR.

p.s.
I think 8 days rocks! It just shows you can do it. Keep working and before you know it at some point you will add 8 more, and 8 after that..
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