Ladysadie

My bad. The perfect storm:

It was cinco de mayo, I was having such a good time yesterday texting cousins back in Louisville KY who were at the derby. When I saw Justified I was overcome with goosebumps. Twice. He became my horse to win. I'm not a betting person (TG I don't need any other bad habits) but I watch horse racing like a fanatic this time of the year. Usually I pick the gorgeous well made horses. They don't always win but I have loved horses all my life and am a pretty fair judge of horseflesh.

That is where my day started. I was making carne asada tacos, prepping while watching the pre-race stuff. My SO brought some tequila and vodka over for dinner and I joined him. What.the.f.

So anyway, it happened. I am feeling trashed today, paying dearly for my sins.

Didn't even wake up that morning with any thought to drinking. I have to do better, I must do better. Anyway, good news is my horse won.

biminiblue

Hm. Does your SO know you're trying to quit drinking? Maybe set a boundary around alcohol in your house?

I had to make drinking a non-possible action. No matter what is on TV, what event I go to, who is drinking how much around me, I can't be that drinker ever again.

Does your SO drink a lot on a regular basis? I mean, I couldn't even be close to someone who drinks a lot. I had to let go of those relationships. Not saying that is right for you - but I no longer want to be around it on a regular basis.

Rar

I'm sorry your plans to not drink ran amok, LadySadie. I'm on Day 3 myself and those beers I had aren't worth my sadness and disappointment in myself at having to start over. But starting over is what we must do. Recommit and begin again. You can do it. .

apollo986

Time to get back on the sadle Don't be to hard on yourself Sadie. I've slipped a few times over the last 90 days or so. It made me realize how much I like being sober.

Ladysadie

Bimini you are so right, it's hard to be around him. I am good if it's not in the house. I actually have alcohol in the house that I won't touch because it is vile to me (rum and brandy which he bought at Christmas. I lost my taste for beer and wine as well. I thought, ugh, tequila? Really? Why? -- because it's cinco de mayo Baby! But after the first shot I was a goner.) I poured everything out last night when I woke up to pee.

But like many of you know, it's been wonderful to be sober. I like the clarity, energy, and feeling healthy. I like remembering things I've said and done. I apparently didn't text or post last night thankfully.

I'm more than ready to get back on my horse so-to-speak.

lessgravity

Hey Sadie, glad to hear you're not giving in and going to not drink.

But I'd be remiss if I didn't point out the passive voice in your posts as if you choosing to get drunk was something that happened to you rather than something you did to yourself.

You describe "getting bucked off" and a "storm" and "it happened" as if it was a force of nature or an accident, anything other than you giving in and swallowing the booze, which caused you to get drunk.

It's great you didn't give in and plan out another drink today. But I think it's important to recognize the way we categorize our giving in to our addictions as choices we made in order not to make them again.

Thank you for your honesty and post. Had me thinking today.

Forward12

^^ Completely agree. It sounds like they actively chose to drink, while giving a weak excuse trying to justify it.

Ladysadie

Less, absolutely yes I take full responsibility for my choosing to drink, yes my fault. I had no intention of buying said alcohol, that much is true as well. The SO bought beer as well, my daughter was here and they'd talked about getting some for dinner. I am a happy drunk, was happy before the alcohol came as I'd been joking with my cousins and picking horses out before the race. The gaiety was what I got caught up in. Bad decision to toast to the day. I'm owning it all and then some. Mea culpa.

AnvilheadII

do you think you SO has a drinking problem, or just likes to drink? just in my opinion as a professional drinker, using Cinco de Mayo or another holiday to drink is amateur stuff.

have you been CLEAR about your intentions to be a non-drinker? have you stated how important it is to you? i don't think asking my SO to NOT bring booze to my house is out of line...................

Ladysadie

Yes I've been very clear about my intentions of not drinking. He's (up until yesterday) been respecting "my issue" and I've been respecting his space. We don't live together, he's in another town about three hours drive and I'm better than okay by myself without my poison of choice.

He is over and we'd been doing a landscape project, feeling good about our progress, my daughter was visiting, they were listening to me and my cousins bantering about horses. The day felt festive, my tacos are legendary, weather was great, I was in a happy mood. I could have done without me drinking, it's like a huge disappointment (to myself). It's a mental setback for my own ego. I thought I was doing so well. But like many of you, one drink and I'm all in.

I have other alcohol in my house that does not appeal to me in the slightest. I keep beer in the shop for guests. I have acquired the distaste for almost everything but vodka. If they stopped making vodka I would not drink. I can tell you that most of the other alcohols make me feel bad (headaches mainly, and nausea). It's taken me most of the day to recover from yesterday.

My SO has been through cancer treatments for brain cancer (tumor was removed in May). His latest MRI was clear of any margins, he has reason to celebrate life. He's been a heavy drinker but appears to be able to moderate whereas I haven't been able to. The tequila made me wretch. But there was the vodka.... and another day lost to a stoopid hangover.

AnvilheadII

wait....legendary tacos? sorry, but tell me more!

early recovery is tricky....because we are going to encounter "opportunities to drink" for the first time as non-drinking persons. it's easy to get caught off guard. thus the better we can set ourselves up for SUCCESSFUL recovery....well the better our recovery will be!

Forward12

Tacos and brain cancer = alcoholism time?

Rar

I was in a happy mood. I could have done without me drinking, it's like a huge disappointment (to myself). It's a mental setback for my own ego. I thought I was doing so well. But like many of you, one drink and I'm all in.

This is still fresh in my mind and I'm still not over it. I hope you get back soon Ladysadie. Stay strong.

August252015

I'm glad someone mentioned this as this was the first thing that jumped out at me as well. Respectfully and kindly, this is exactly the thinking we have to give up if you are going to choose- and keep choosing- sobriety.

Are you working a plan? It's critical for me (mine is AA). Hope, thinking strong, all these things are fine and good- but they aren't sufficient to keep me sober.

Hope you take this chance to be sober and make it your last start. Lots of changes were necessary in my life to create the one of recovery I have now.

Ladysadie

Thanks to all who responded, I hear what you are saying, needed to hear it bluntly and succinctly. Waking up without a hangover is truly a gift to oneself. You all are amazing in the support you offer.

tomsteve

LS, its just my opinion here, but this is cosigning an excuse for SO to drink.
a couple things i see as cosigning:
He's been a heavy drinker but appears to be able to moderate
heavy drinker BUT moderates????

My SO has been through cancer treatments for brain cancer (tumor was removed in May). His latest MRI was clear of any margins, he has reason to celebrate life.

theres thousands of ways to celebrate life without alcohol.

i found that possible being a cancer survivor myself( statistically i should have been dead 7+ years ago).