I'm scared guys- i don't want to die
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 10
I'm scared guys- i don't want to die
I'm here right now because today I googled "so hungover I'm scared I'm dying". I was looking for anyone or anything that was reassuring that I was not going to die. Unfortunately, a lot of websites say it's possible to die. So I started having my usual Binge drinking next day 15 hour panic attack. I have had panic disorder with agoraphobic tendencies and generalized anxiety disorder most of my life. My first panic attack was when i was 7.
I have an addictive personality. When I want something , could be anything, I do it in a binge then not again for a long time or if ever. Food, drinking, drugs, sex, shopping, gambling etc.
I go hardcore and then stop as fast as I started. For instance, The first drug I ever tried was methamphetamine- I was 17 and did it for 1 and a half months straight- like all day. Then never again. I'm 31 now.
The reason I am here is this website got me through this day. I didn't feel like I was going to die anymore after doing some reading of the posts.
Yesterday, I got my panties in a bunch about being alone and needing to get out and meet someone. (As if any meaningful relationship will be started at the bar 5 cocktails deep)Long story short, I parked my car downtown and proceeded to drink from 11:30AM until sometime after 2AM. This is HIGHLY unusual for me. But not the first time. I drank high ABV Beer and HUGE shots of tequila (also not a hard alcohol drinker since my early twenties- especially tequila...). My memory goes in and out, but at some point I signed up for Lyft and saw today in my email recepts that i rode it 3 times (leaving enormous tips) and at one stop the driver followed me into the bar- guess he was thrown out- had weird texts from him later? Maybe i gave him my #? IDK, but scary... My screen is cracked on my brand new $1025 cell phone . I left 120% tips at every bar i went to according to my receipts. I slept over at my girlfriend's house (thank God, because honestly, who knows where I would have slept otherwise- or with WHO) and I guess her pitbull bit me twice on my leg.
Enough about the stupid night. I woke up at 7:45AM (i was supposed to be in a different town, 40 minutes away, getting ready for work) in a sweaty panic! My friend passed out on the couch and I was in her bed, where i waited until she woke up at 9. The entire time i felt like I was going to throw up and crap myself and was having an INTENSE & TERRIFYING panic attack. I think I was also still drunk a little.
I immediately told her how bad I was and asked her to bring me to my car because I was panicking and felt so utterly sick. Luckily, she did (she felt fine- I've never seen her hungover- its bizarre) and luckily my car hadn't been towed from the first bars parking lot. I said goodbye, she drove away as I walking up to my car, I got in, and immediately and very violently threw up out of my car door (and ON my car door... and my hair... and my hoodie) for a solid 3 minutes. I was shaking and crying from how violent it was and I was afraid a police officer would see me. So I closed the door & rushed home. I had to pull over twice and take some back roads because I was afraid I was going to pass out (I know how dangerous this was guys, and I am SO sorry to all of you- and SO embarrassed to even write it down like this- I know how serious and dangerous this was but seemed like my only option at the time).
I got home and continued to violently throw up, have other end problems... and total and complete panic...alllll day. I'm STILL in bed.
Honestly, this may be the worst hangover I've ever experienced. I kept my phone open and in my hands ready to call 911 if I felt like I needed it. I was fairly certain I was going to die of some kind of heart attack, stroke, dehydration the list goes on.
And I'm scared you guys. I've never called myself an alcoholic, but I'm sure I fit the guidlines...
I told my story from yesterday/ today because I feel its relatable and important.
I have 2 DUIs already and I am so scared that when I binge that i will get another, or kill someone. I'm really afraid of what happens to me in a big city when I'm blacked out. I've had many terrible and terrifying experiences going out to bars alone. I make questionable decisions, have been raped more times then I'd like to say(my 4 year old daughter is from one of those rapes), I've done drugs I wouldn't normally, I've been robbed, drugged, I skip work, and I'ts not fun anymore- at all.
If I get responses, I have a good idea what they might say, but they are appreciated. I don't want to die guys from one of these binge drinking episodes. (Normally have a beer or less every few days or more) I've seen people die or get hurt. My best friend fell off my second story deck 6 years ago and now is permanently in a wheelchair with lower body paralysis. My old apartment building had a gal in her late forties (really hardcore daily drinker) that mixed pills and drinking and she died on the couch.
But it would be a lie to say I'm going to stop drinking.
I just need to know I'm not alone and maybe get some advice on how to stop binging so excessively.
Thank you for letting me share. Peace and love
I have an addictive personality. When I want something , could be anything, I do it in a binge then not again for a long time or if ever. Food, drinking, drugs, sex, shopping, gambling etc.
I go hardcore and then stop as fast as I started. For instance, The first drug I ever tried was methamphetamine- I was 17 and did it for 1 and a half months straight- like all day. Then never again. I'm 31 now.
The reason I am here is this website got me through this day. I didn't feel like I was going to die anymore after doing some reading of the posts.
Yesterday, I got my panties in a bunch about being alone and needing to get out and meet someone. (As if any meaningful relationship will be started at the bar 5 cocktails deep)Long story short, I parked my car downtown and proceeded to drink from 11:30AM until sometime after 2AM. This is HIGHLY unusual for me. But not the first time. I drank high ABV Beer and HUGE shots of tequila (also not a hard alcohol drinker since my early twenties- especially tequila...). My memory goes in and out, but at some point I signed up for Lyft and saw today in my email recepts that i rode it 3 times (leaving enormous tips) and at one stop the driver followed me into the bar- guess he was thrown out- had weird texts from him later? Maybe i gave him my #? IDK, but scary... My screen is cracked on my brand new $1025 cell phone . I left 120% tips at every bar i went to according to my receipts. I slept over at my girlfriend's house (thank God, because honestly, who knows where I would have slept otherwise- or with WHO) and I guess her pitbull bit me twice on my leg.
Enough about the stupid night. I woke up at 7:45AM (i was supposed to be in a different town, 40 minutes away, getting ready for work) in a sweaty panic! My friend passed out on the couch and I was in her bed, where i waited until she woke up at 9. The entire time i felt like I was going to throw up and crap myself and was having an INTENSE & TERRIFYING panic attack. I think I was also still drunk a little.
I immediately told her how bad I was and asked her to bring me to my car because I was panicking and felt so utterly sick. Luckily, she did (she felt fine- I've never seen her hungover- its bizarre) and luckily my car hadn't been towed from the first bars parking lot. I said goodbye, she drove away as I walking up to my car, I got in, and immediately and very violently threw up out of my car door (and ON my car door... and my hair... and my hoodie) for a solid 3 minutes. I was shaking and crying from how violent it was and I was afraid a police officer would see me. So I closed the door & rushed home. I had to pull over twice and take some back roads because I was afraid I was going to pass out (I know how dangerous this was guys, and I am SO sorry to all of you- and SO embarrassed to even write it down like this- I know how serious and dangerous this was but seemed like my only option at the time).
I got home and continued to violently throw up, have other end problems... and total and complete panic...alllll day. I'm STILL in bed.
Honestly, this may be the worst hangover I've ever experienced. I kept my phone open and in my hands ready to call 911 if I felt like I needed it. I was fairly certain I was going to die of some kind of heart attack, stroke, dehydration the list goes on.
And I'm scared you guys. I've never called myself an alcoholic, but I'm sure I fit the guidlines...
I told my story from yesterday/ today because I feel its relatable and important.
I have 2 DUIs already and I am so scared that when I binge that i will get another, or kill someone. I'm really afraid of what happens to me in a big city when I'm blacked out. I've had many terrible and terrifying experiences going out to bars alone. I make questionable decisions, have been raped more times then I'd like to say(my 4 year old daughter is from one of those rapes), I've done drugs I wouldn't normally, I've been robbed, drugged, I skip work, and I'ts not fun anymore- at all.
If I get responses, I have a good idea what they might say, but they are appreciated. I don't want to die guys from one of these binge drinking episodes. (Normally have a beer or less every few days or more) I've seen people die or get hurt. My best friend fell off my second story deck 6 years ago and now is permanently in a wheelchair with lower body paralysis. My old apartment building had a gal in her late forties (really hardcore daily drinker) that mixed pills and drinking and she died on the couch.
But it would be a lie to say I'm going to stop drinking.
I just need to know I'm not alone and maybe get some advice on how to stop binging so excessively.
Thank you for letting me share. Peace and love
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: East Coast
Posts: 853
RobotGirl, you are absolutely 100% not alone. My heart goes out to you. I was throwing up on myself in my car driving home still drunk after a night not unlike this one back in January. Your life sounds like it is pure chaos and insanity AKA the typical drinking life on this site 
You have to stop the chaos before you hurt yourself or anyone else. I know you're suffering and in pain right now. But you woke up, and you have another chance. You can make a change. ((((hugs))))
You have to stop the chaos before you hurt yourself or anyone else. I know you're suffering and in pain right now. But you woke up, and you have another chance. You can make a change. ((((hugs))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 10
Thank you
ProfessorD, My life is total chaos and insanity for so many reasons, this is true. But you're right, I did wake up today and I'm still alive and I registered with this site. Baby steps .
((Hugs))
((Hugs))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
if you could stop binging excessivly, you wouldnt be here RG. it can be quite an obsession for many drinkers,though- wanting to drink responsibly. many try it for years and years.many end up dead or in jail. many are also able to accept it isnt possible,get help to get sober, and live a nice life alcohol free.
i hope you chose the later,plus the folks here dont offer advise on how to drink responsibly.
it was nothing out of the ordinary for me to do similar as you describe. as alcoholism progressed it happened at a more frequent rate- at least once a week.
i hope you chose the later,plus the folks here dont offer advise on how to drink responsibly.
it was nothing out of the ordinary for me to do similar as you describe. as alcoholism progressed it happened at a more frequent rate- at least once a week.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Please see a Doctor if your conceded for your health & may be a good place to start. I’m glad you are here & posting.....I feel your fear.....take that seriously & make a commitment to stop.....you’ll never regret that unlike we do when we drink. Love & hugs to you.....be kind to yourself
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
I understand the anxiety and panic you are talking about because I experienced the same thing and it's horrible. I hope you change your mind and decide to stop drinking. Alcoholics cannot moderate their drinking, though most of us here have tried and failed. The thing is, alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless you stop drinking.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
robot,
ime....quitting at 27 (basically same age as you) physically was easy. Mentally...without any education on what I was dealing with....impossible. I made it 8 months before I gave in to the crave. The crave is forever.
Short story is...all of us addicts have brain damage. This damage causes me to find it hard to be happy without drinking.
I found happiness initially through hard training generated adrenaline and endorphins. I did jiu jitsu. It worked for about 2 years. Then I was injured pretty bad and it took about a year to mostly heal. That is where I am now.
I was in ok shape and kept working out. I alternate weights and cardio 4 to 7 days a week. It depends on my healing.
Now I am 8 months booze free, nearly 3 years without being legally intoxicated.
I am an addict for life. I was a drunk since I was 5 years old. I drank to get drunk every chance I got until I was 50 years old. Binge drinker.
You are lucky to have found this place. Wanting to quit and getting educated about what it takes to stay quit is the 100% solution.
I stay clean by any means necessary. Being sober is amazing.
Thanks.
ime....quitting at 27 (basically same age as you) physically was easy. Mentally...without any education on what I was dealing with....impossible. I made it 8 months before I gave in to the crave. The crave is forever.
Short story is...all of us addicts have brain damage. This damage causes me to find it hard to be happy without drinking.
I found happiness initially through hard training generated adrenaline and endorphins. I did jiu jitsu. It worked for about 2 years. Then I was injured pretty bad and it took about a year to mostly heal. That is where I am now.
I was in ok shape and kept working out. I alternate weights and cardio 4 to 7 days a week. It depends on my healing.
Now I am 8 months booze free, nearly 3 years without being legally intoxicated.
I am an addict for life. I was a drunk since I was 5 years old. I drank to get drunk every chance I got until I was 50 years old. Binge drinker.
You are lucky to have found this place. Wanting to quit and getting educated about what it takes to stay quit is the 100% solution.
I stay clean by any means necessary. Being sober is amazing.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 125
I've had lifelong panic disorder and GAD, too, and the drinking only made it get worse and worse. I had those 15 hour+ anxiety attacks, too, and I finally decided about 4 months ago that I just couldn't live in that cycle of binge/crippling anxiety any more. I talked to my doctor honestly, started getting help for my anxiety, and quit drinking, and I'm so glad I did. It's amazing how much better life can be. I'm so glad you found SR. 
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: East Coast
Posts: 853
RobotGirl, the other thing I noticed in your post is that you already have 2 DUIs. I agree with the poster above--doesn't sound like moderation is an option for you. It isn't for me either. Which is a relief because moderation is miserable. I'm rooting for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by least 
You were that sick and will still drink again?? That sounds dangerous to me. Who knows what could happen to you. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by tomsteve
if you could stop binging excessivly, you wouldnt be here RG. it can be quite an obsession for many drinkers,though- wanting to drink responsibly. many try it for years and years.many end up dead or in jail. many are also able to accept it isnt possible,get help to get sober, and live a nice life alcohol free.
i hope you chose the later,plus the folks here dont offer advise on how to drink responsibly.
it was nothing out of the ordinary for me to do similar as you describe. as alcoholism progressed it happened at a more frequent rate- at least once a week.
i hope you chose the later,plus the folks here dont offer advise on how to drink responsibly.
it was nothing out of the ordinary for me to do similar as you describe. as alcoholism progressed it happened at a more frequent rate- at least once a week.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by MariahGayle
Please see a Doctor if your conceded for your health & may be a good place to start. I’m glad you are here & posting.....I feel your fear.....take that seriously & make a commitment to stop.....you’ll never regret that unlike we do when we drink. Love & hugs to you.....be kind to yourself
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
When dealing with alcoholism, self-control doesn't work. Trying to control drinking usually ends up making things worse. It's stopping drinking, freeing your mind of the obsession, that will enable you to heal. When you are an alcoholic, stopping drinking completely is far easier than trying to manage drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 568
RobotGirl, I had trouble saying that I would never drink again at the beginning too. So, instead I committed to today. When I got the craving to drink I would say out loud to myself, I will not drink today... maybe tomorrow but not today. I'm on day 124 now. You are the age of my daughter and I am worried for you. You are young and you sound very smart. I truly hope you get the help you need to stop drinking. Welcome to SR. Please reach out to me if you ever need to talk.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by LadyBug66
RobotGirl, I had trouble saying that I would never drink again at the beginning too. So, instead I committed to today. When I got the craving to drink I would say out loud to myself, I will not drink today... maybe tomorrow but not today. I'm on day 124 now. You are the age of my daughter and I am worried for you. You are young and you sound very smart. I truly hope you get the help you need to stop drinking. Welcome to SR. Please reach out to me if you ever need to talk.
I was just starting to feel judged and that my post was being misunderstood. Although the post is about my alcohol binge, I was trying to put out there that I binge on everything. My whole life seems to be one binge after another(not just alcohol to be clear) For instance, i might eat nothing but macaroni and cheese for two weeks and then not again for months or years. Yes, I did binge drink yesterday and previously (both duis) and although I appreciate the comments on life being better without alcohol, I do understand that, but it's not just the alcohol I'm worried about binging on. I'm scared I might die because of this binging behavior in general. Alcohol binging is definitely one of the more dangerous and self destructive ones, absolutely.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: East Coast
Posts: 853
No one is judging you! Everyone on this site is here for the same reason, and at the end of the day we are all so similar. I can relate to the general addictive behavior you are describing, and I wonder if others can to. Alcohol isn't the only thing I've gotten hooked on. Even in high school before I even had a sip of alcohol, I had an eating disorder and engaged in self-harm. In the past, I've given up alcohol but only to adopt excessive exercising. I don't have any advice on how to break the cycle, but I sure do relate to the fear you're expressing.
But you know you can't drink. I'd start there.
But you know you can't drink. I'd start there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 205
The blackouts became more frequent for me. That next morning trying to piece together the night before and the shame! Boy do I not miss that. I used to not have anxiety but it was creeping into my life more and more. I often was worried I might die the day after also. Now that I'm sober I ask my self would a normal person go through all the crap I did and the problems and still continue to drink? No, it's irrational. I thought the solution was moderation too. I didn't want to NOT drink. I found I could do that for maybe awhile, but eventually I'm back to the same old. I also discovered I don't enjoy drinking when I control it. So why even drink!? I'm much happier now sober. Life is simpler. I really recommend giving it a try.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
