Still Grinding
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
Still Grinding
I went kinda silent for a bit. Not drinking. This Friday will be 8 weeks so I guess that makes today, um, 55. Math is hard. 
Last night actually I came and typed out a few attempts at a post and deleted them all. Actually had to check to make sure I deleted them just now... couldn't remember if I did or not. I wasn't in a great state of mind last night. In fact, yesterday evening I pretty much melted down under the pressure of what I'm facing due to the OWI.
I own it. And I'm hyper-sensitive about sharing the struggles of it all for that reason. Methinks it best to keep it to myself for the most part and just stay focused on dealing with things in day-tight compartments. One day at a time I'll pay what I owe to the legal system and be done with this.
That said, I will share a couple of things.
I'm signing a lease on a new place Monday closer to my office. Like, 10 minutes from my office. Right now I'm 1 hour and 20 min commute. I can't wait. The long story short is that I've isolated the financial wreckage to my home. I think I can get it sold and cover the 1st & 2nd before they foreclose. I'm done making payments.
The simplify and downsize strategy will have me in a spot that is more healthy financially than I've been in decades. Within 12 months I'll be debt free. I'll be able to manage the very hefty fines I'll be facing. I'll be in a place that I can rebuild from. All other obligations I've made current. Once the house issue is resolved the bleeding will be over. That's a big deal for me. It has not been easy to face it. In fact, it's been miserable at times.
The downside - kind of - to my strategy to move is that I won't qualify for a court mandated treatment program because I'll be in a different county. So I'll be facing the full force of whatever jail sentence comes with my conviction. I'm basically trading the minimum jail sentence with a heavy handed court administered 18 month treatment program for a longer - probably significantly longer - jail sentence that will likely still be shorter than the mandated program.
But the big deal making all this necessary is that I'll be close to the office. I'm certainly facing a mandatory 45 day wait period between conviction and eligibility for an occupational license. If I stay where I am I would have to take a leave of absence from work. Work has already said they will help get me transferred to the local work release jail - my attorney agrees its doable - and they will arrange to get me to the office those first 45 days.
I can't afford to not work for almost 7 weeks. My work can't afford the disruption for that long. It's a massive difference in my short term ability to maintain some sanity and income - and an even bigger difference in where I start rebuilding from.
So, if I have to sit in work release for a long period of time it'll suck, but the alternative doesn't come close.
It's risky - there's no guarantee I get transferred. And the meltdown yesterday was a combination of the pressure from a lot of stuff - coming to grips with the jail term, all that comes with selling a house and moving, the normal stress of work, and certainly far from least dealing with my sobriety -- plus a ton of little things like facing my boss, leading people through scheduling exercises and getting to dates where I think in my head "yeah, I'll be in jail then," managing my own emotions. So many things.
I think I'm likely facing 9 months or so in jail. It'll be work release. It's possible a lot could be on a bracelet doing house arrest. It's possible I don't actually sit for the full 9 months... maybe something like 9 months, 90 days served and the rest on probation. I simply don't know so I have to prepare as though I'm going to be in work release for 9 months. Last night the reality of what I just wrote came home in a very real way. I felt more at peace with it this morning. It's left my nerves fried.
Fortunately the ill effects of what I've allowed booze to do to my life still has me in a spot that the very thought of it disgusts me completely.
That said, as soon as I get some basics moved and am sleeping in the new home I'll be enrolling in outpatient treatment via my work insurance and I'll be more consistent in searching out and finding an AA 'home group' in my new location. I've white knuckled it this far but I've every intention of doing the real work required once I can stabilize my situation a bit.
So yea, largely once I commit it'll be a waiting game to see what actually happens and hoping and praying that I can at least get a transfer to be able to work during whatever time period I'm detained. Anything above that will be a bonus. As long as I don't get stuck serving my time in a place that I can't get out to go to work for an extended period of time I won't lose everything.
Long enough story. I have no desire to be "that guy." But I do hope that anyone who reads any of the crap I brought on myself can use it to never, ever, ever drink and drive. None of it was worth it - the risk to others, the risk to myself, the punishment. It's insanity. I'm glad it's this bad because it's got my full attention and is forcing changes on me that I've need to face for a long long time.
B
PS - I want to add something. It's going to be preachy. I don't care. If people don't think it can happen to them they are wrong. Especially alcoholics - even heavy drinkers. The night I wrapped my car around a telephone pole was a perfect storm. I'd not eaten much. I was drinking Gin. The bartender was making them strong. They tasted great and I was having "fun." It got away from me like it so often had in the past. But this time it was even worse. I don't remember making the decision to drive. I don't remember most of the drive. I remember realizing I was lost and going the wrong way. I remember - in flashes - thinking I should pull over. I remember tall grass. I remember seeing the pole right before I hit it. I remember wondering why my airbags had deployed and why smoke was coming from the crumpled hood of my car.
That fast. Anyone like me who has a problem drinking... that fast. A couple of little variables come together and whatever control or awareness you think you can maintain is gone. And I'm lucky it was a pole. So lucky. Knowing that I was that guy - it's more terrible than your best attempt to imagine it can ever be. And I'm lucky.
Last night actually I came and typed out a few attempts at a post and deleted them all. Actually had to check to make sure I deleted them just now... couldn't remember if I did or not. I wasn't in a great state of mind last night. In fact, yesterday evening I pretty much melted down under the pressure of what I'm facing due to the OWI.
I own it. And I'm hyper-sensitive about sharing the struggles of it all for that reason. Methinks it best to keep it to myself for the most part and just stay focused on dealing with things in day-tight compartments. One day at a time I'll pay what I owe to the legal system and be done with this.
That said, I will share a couple of things.
I'm signing a lease on a new place Monday closer to my office. Like, 10 minutes from my office. Right now I'm 1 hour and 20 min commute. I can't wait. The long story short is that I've isolated the financial wreckage to my home. I think I can get it sold and cover the 1st & 2nd before they foreclose. I'm done making payments.
The simplify and downsize strategy will have me in a spot that is more healthy financially than I've been in decades. Within 12 months I'll be debt free. I'll be able to manage the very hefty fines I'll be facing. I'll be in a place that I can rebuild from. All other obligations I've made current. Once the house issue is resolved the bleeding will be over. That's a big deal for me. It has not been easy to face it. In fact, it's been miserable at times.
The downside - kind of - to my strategy to move is that I won't qualify for a court mandated treatment program because I'll be in a different county. So I'll be facing the full force of whatever jail sentence comes with my conviction. I'm basically trading the minimum jail sentence with a heavy handed court administered 18 month treatment program for a longer - probably significantly longer - jail sentence that will likely still be shorter than the mandated program.
But the big deal making all this necessary is that I'll be close to the office. I'm certainly facing a mandatory 45 day wait period between conviction and eligibility for an occupational license. If I stay where I am I would have to take a leave of absence from work. Work has already said they will help get me transferred to the local work release jail - my attorney agrees its doable - and they will arrange to get me to the office those first 45 days.
I can't afford to not work for almost 7 weeks. My work can't afford the disruption for that long. It's a massive difference in my short term ability to maintain some sanity and income - and an even bigger difference in where I start rebuilding from.
So, if I have to sit in work release for a long period of time it'll suck, but the alternative doesn't come close.
It's risky - there's no guarantee I get transferred. And the meltdown yesterday was a combination of the pressure from a lot of stuff - coming to grips with the jail term, all that comes with selling a house and moving, the normal stress of work, and certainly far from least dealing with my sobriety -- plus a ton of little things like facing my boss, leading people through scheduling exercises and getting to dates where I think in my head "yeah, I'll be in jail then," managing my own emotions. So many things.
I think I'm likely facing 9 months or so in jail. It'll be work release. It's possible a lot could be on a bracelet doing house arrest. It's possible I don't actually sit for the full 9 months... maybe something like 9 months, 90 days served and the rest on probation. I simply don't know so I have to prepare as though I'm going to be in work release for 9 months. Last night the reality of what I just wrote came home in a very real way. I felt more at peace with it this morning. It's left my nerves fried.
Fortunately the ill effects of what I've allowed booze to do to my life still has me in a spot that the very thought of it disgusts me completely.
That said, as soon as I get some basics moved and am sleeping in the new home I'll be enrolling in outpatient treatment via my work insurance and I'll be more consistent in searching out and finding an AA 'home group' in my new location. I've white knuckled it this far but I've every intention of doing the real work required once I can stabilize my situation a bit.
So yea, largely once I commit it'll be a waiting game to see what actually happens and hoping and praying that I can at least get a transfer to be able to work during whatever time period I'm detained. Anything above that will be a bonus. As long as I don't get stuck serving my time in a place that I can't get out to go to work for an extended period of time I won't lose everything.
Long enough story. I have no desire to be "that guy." But I do hope that anyone who reads any of the crap I brought on myself can use it to never, ever, ever drink and drive. None of it was worth it - the risk to others, the risk to myself, the punishment. It's insanity. I'm glad it's this bad because it's got my full attention and is forcing changes on me that I've need to face for a long long time.
B
PS - I want to add something. It's going to be preachy. I don't care. If people don't think it can happen to them they are wrong. Especially alcoholics - even heavy drinkers. The night I wrapped my car around a telephone pole was a perfect storm. I'd not eaten much. I was drinking Gin. The bartender was making them strong. They tasted great and I was having "fun." It got away from me like it so often had in the past. But this time it was even worse. I don't remember making the decision to drive. I don't remember most of the drive. I remember realizing I was lost and going the wrong way. I remember - in flashes - thinking I should pull over. I remember tall grass. I remember seeing the pole right before I hit it. I remember wondering why my airbags had deployed and why smoke was coming from the crumpled hood of my car.
That fast. Anyone like me who has a problem drinking... that fast. A couple of little variables come together and whatever control or awareness you think you can maintain is gone. And I'm lucky it was a pole. So lucky. Knowing that I was that guy - it's more terrible than your best attempt to imagine it can ever be. And I'm lucky.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
Thank you for your post. You seem to be hanging in there well and learning from your experience. It often seems when we alcoholics drink and suffer bad consequences that the perfect storm hit - in hindsight, it wasn’t so much a perfect storm but the fact that we picked up the first drink.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
Originally Posted by FreedomCA 
Thank you for your post. You seem to be hanging in there well and learning from your experience. It often seems when we alcoholics drink and suffer bad consequences that the perfect storm hit - in hindsight, it wasn’t so much a perfect storm but the fact that we picked up the first drink.
I suppose being addicted to problem solving is probably a better problem to have than the sauce.
I also get a bit self conscious about bloviating so much at times. But hey, sometimes I just feel the need to pull the release valve. Sure as heck doesn't feel like I'm doing anything other than coping at times.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
Originally Posted by Rar
Hi Buckley - Your organization and determination still continue to amaze me. Great post! 
This morning while leaving the house to get the occupational I had two copies of the application filled out, my passport in case they tried to say my now suspended state driver's license doesn't qualify as proof of identity, my checkbook in case the credit card machine was down, and a copy of the high risk insurance on a jump drive and in paper just in case they needed it digitally or something.
I know how all that sounds. It's a touch over the top. When I was leaving the house to walk to the DMV I couldn't think straight I was so stressed out. I checked my pockets for the various things I needed to have and literally by the time I got to my second pocket I couldn't remember checking my first one.
Basket case of stress and OCD. But it was a really important thing and I wasn't going to leave anything to chance that was within my control. I need this move right now badly.
Ended up getting there 15 minutes after they opened so there was no line. 15 minutes later I had my occupational license in hand.
Now I can execute the move.
Little by little I'm putting the pieces back together. Got a long way to go though.
-B
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: 45th Parallel, Michigan
Posts: 816
Happy your attention has been got; sorry for how it was gotten.
I really enjoy your writing; please feel free to bloviate any time!
Best of luck with your major life changes, you sound more than capable.
I really enjoy your writing; please feel free to bloviate any time!
Best of luck with your major life changes, you sound more than capable.
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