Can anyone help me to understand?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 1
Can anyone help me to understand?
Hi, everyone. I'm new to this website and this is my first post, so please bear with me if I haven't quite gotten the hang of things lol. Thanks in advance for any insight anyone can offer me.
So here's the deal. My mother is in her 60s and has been an alcoholic for probably close to 40 years. She's been in and out of rehab, lost her job, gotten DUIs, has been in the hospital countless times over the past 4 years (near death each time), and STILL continues to drink. She's pushed away all of her friends and family; really anyone who has ever cared about her or tried to help her.
My family is pretty much at its wits end. We don't understand why she is the way she is. Several people have told us, "Well, she has to hit rock bottom before she turns her life around." I'm honestly not sure that she has a rock bottom. It's beginning to look like death might be her rock bottom. She's never tried to actively commit suicide, but I've asked her several times if she has any desire to live and her answer is always, "I don't know, let me get back to you." She's struggled with depression her whole life but refuses to see any type of psychologist/psychiatrist. She's stuck at this point between not wanting to live and not wanting to die.
I've struggled my whole life with being angry at her but trying to love her at the same time. I've asked her in every way I know how if she can explain to me why she started drinking or why she continues to drink and she always says she doesn't know.
I've put so much effort into trying to save her life, but I'm just exhausted. I'm tired of being angry all the time. Is there anyone that can help me understand what she's going through? I think if I could understand the reasoning behind it, it would help me to have more compassion for her.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry for what brings you here.
Seems like what you are seeking is an understanding of alcoholism and what it is like to be addicted to alcohol. And I don't know if we can do that. I'm not sure I understand it.
But if you are seeking understanding from people who are going through what you are going through with a loved one who is an alcoholic, we have a forum for friends and family of alcoholic:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Originally Posted by BurgundyFyre 
Is there anyone that can help me understand what she's going through? I think if I could understand the reasoning behind it, it would help me to have more compassion for her.
But if you are seeking understanding from people who are going through what you are going through with a loved one who is an alcoholic, we have a forum for friends and family of alcoholic:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Sorry for your situation. As you read more on these sites, you will realize what a baffling disease/disorder/issue this is, both for the addicts and those that love them.
My wife is a recovering drug/polysubstance addict... the things she would do during active addiction were just plane crazy compared to what a non-addict would do. When we discussed why she did what she did, she explained that the disease was basically talking to her.. convincing her that she could just have one more hit and be fine... or that stealing was necessary to help her get more drugs to help her survive. Essentially the disease was telling her to feed it otherwise she would die without it.
Addiction to me is very much a mental illness as well as a physical dependency. Addicts do not think the same as non-addicts... it is just the way they are wired. Your mom's behavior is no different than many you will read on these forums. She may not have a rock bottom... best you can do is love her for who she is and stop trying to help her be something different. But when you do love her, it must be from a detached point so that her issues do not become yours (which they seem to be since you have expressed that you are exhausted).
Best wishes to you and your family.
My wife is a recovering drug/polysubstance addict... the things she would do during active addiction were just plane crazy compared to what a non-addict would do. When we discussed why she did what she did, she explained that the disease was basically talking to her.. convincing her that she could just have one more hit and be fine... or that stealing was necessary to help her get more drugs to help her survive. Essentially the disease was telling her to feed it otherwise she would die without it.
Addiction to me is very much a mental illness as well as a physical dependency. Addicts do not think the same as non-addicts... it is just the way they are wired. Your mom's behavior is no different than many you will read on these forums. She may not have a rock bottom... best you can do is love her for who she is and stop trying to help her be something different. But when you do love her, it must be from a detached point so that her issues do not become yours (which they seem to be since you have expressed that you are exhausted).
Best wishes to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
The reading and learning would do you good. Al-anon can help you come to terms with it all. But essentially her love for alcohol is greater than her love of anything else. You can actually be at peace knowing there is nothing you can do or say (that you haven't already) except love her in spite of this terrible affliction.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Alcoholism is a horrible illness. Some can get their acts together, but unfortunately there are countless more that would rather drink themselves to death then to get sober.
There is nothing you, or anyone can do to get them sober, they have to want that for themselves. All I can suggest is to attend alanon meetings and hope for the best.
There is nothing you, or anyone can do to get them sober, they have to want that for themselves. All I can suggest is to attend alanon meetings and hope for the best.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,721
You need to be educated on alcoholism. Seek out al-anon meetings in your area. You need to take care of yourself and learn not to enable the addict. They can take your life away and not even care because alcohol is the only thing that matters. It is a very selfish disease.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,246
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Your mother is very fortunate to still have a daughter who cares.
Active addiction is a kind of insanity. When in its grip it is extremely difficult to extricate oneself. I love my family more than life itself but it was not enough to stop me drinking self destructively. Something had to change within me. My love for another was not enough to make me change. I would be very surprised if your mother doesn't love you far more than she cares about herself.
For now the important thing is to begin caring for yourself and to understand you have done everything you can.
Best wishes to you.
Active addiction is a kind of insanity. When in its grip it is extremely difficult to extricate oneself. I love my family more than life itself but it was not enough to stop me drinking self destructively. Something had to change within me. My love for another was not enough to make me change. I would be very surprised if your mother doesn't love you far more than she cares about herself.
For now the important thing is to begin caring for yourself and to understand you have done everything you can.
Best wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I read this yesterday and pondered on it. Addiction is a strange animal. I don't think anyone knows exactly why our addiction does what it does. Sure there are theories and case studies, but we are all different and have our different reasons. I think sometimes the best one can do is offer support to the addicted one and hope for the best.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
I'm sorry for your situation. I hope that you decide to take care of yourself, and you might find that AlAnon in your city would be a support for you. Everyone has a rock bottom and unfortunately your mother hasn't reached hers yet. I hope that she makes a decision to recover.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by Ladysadie
The reading and learning would do you good. Al-anon can help you come to terms with it all. But essentially her love for alcohol is greater than her love of anything else. You can actually be at peace knowing there is nothing you can do or say (that you haven't already) except love her in spite of this terrible affliction.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 128
I know how it feels to want so badly to understand and be supportive. I think alanon is a very good idea. I've learned so much about alcoholism over the years I can probably answer any question, but at the end of the day my greater understanding doesn't help at all. Besides, neuroscience has come far, but for the most part the brain is still a mystery. Some people say that alcoholism is a spiritual, physical and mental disease. Unfortunately there's nothing we can do to help. But we can stop spiralling down into hopelessness ourselves. We can have serenity whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not (alanon).
We can change. It's amazing how differently we interact with our alcoholic loved ones when we change.
We can change. It's amazing how differently we interact with our alcoholic loved ones when we change.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Hi and welcome BurgundyFyre 
I really have no answers for the explanation bit. Probably the simplest thing I can share is I thought I was different, that wasn't that bad, and that my drinking hurt nobody but myself.
I know all those things not to be true now, but I had to get sober and stay that way in order for me to see it.
The suggestion of Al Anon is a pretty good one if you've never sought that out before.
You deserve support too - and you'll find that here at SR
D
I really have no answers for the explanation bit. Probably the simplest thing I can share is I thought I was different, that wasn't that bad, and that my drinking hurt nobody but myself.
I know all those things not to be true now, but I had to get sober and stay that way in order for me to see it.
The suggestion of Al Anon is a pretty good one if you've never sought that out before.
You deserve support too - and you'll find that here at SR
D
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