Endless Downward Spiral
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Pacific Time Zone, USA
Posts: 29
Endless Downward Spiral
I am writing this from a brain fog from last night. This is the last time I ever want to feel like this.
Where do I even begin? The guilt, the shame, the worry and fear, the hiding... I have a baby whom I love dearly. I hate myself for the kind of mother I am being. I am out of control. Moreso than I have ever been and I need help badly.
I am going through what is likely the hardest part of my whole life. Going through a divorce, just got out of a DV shelter, cut off financially, worried about losing the apartment, completely and totally isolated, afraid of losing my son.
My brother verbally ripped into me last night so harshly that I feel I no longer have a family. My mom is very ill from diabetes and refuses to take insulin. My dad lets his wife keep us estranged from him. My other brother is pretty far gone in his drug addiction.
My mental health is suffering. Depression and anxiety. Ive been feeling suicidal lately, but I am holding on for my son. I hate this endless downward spiral of trying to chase a small moment of enjoyment for the misery it brings. I dont know how to feel that without the alcohol. I get social anxiety. That nagging notion to drink, it never ever ends. Even when I get sober for a couple months, it gets stronger and stronger like an obsessive compulsion. I just wish it would leave me alone! Instead it just gets louder. The way I can fool myself into thinking, "this time I'm just going to limit myself at 6." I can barely move right now.
Im having trouble throwing my deepest confessions out there for fear of being judged as harshly as Im judging myself. But I think maybe they need to come out? Irresponsible and reckless.
I am a completely broken person and I am lost. It is really hard for me to see a future for myself. I just dont know what that is even supposed to be now. I can barely get myself out of bed most days, even when I am sober. I just cant face it all. Every morning I wake up disappointed to be me and I just want to disappear. How do I make it stop?
Where do I even begin? The guilt, the shame, the worry and fear, the hiding... I have a baby whom I love dearly. I hate myself for the kind of mother I am being. I am out of control. Moreso than I have ever been and I need help badly.
I am going through what is likely the hardest part of my whole life. Going through a divorce, just got out of a DV shelter, cut off financially, worried about losing the apartment, completely and totally isolated, afraid of losing my son.
My brother verbally ripped into me last night so harshly that I feel I no longer have a family. My mom is very ill from diabetes and refuses to take insulin. My dad lets his wife keep us estranged from him. My other brother is pretty far gone in his drug addiction.
My mental health is suffering. Depression and anxiety. Ive been feeling suicidal lately, but I am holding on for my son. I hate this endless downward spiral of trying to chase a small moment of enjoyment for the misery it brings. I dont know how to feel that without the alcohol. I get social anxiety. That nagging notion to drink, it never ever ends. Even when I get sober for a couple months, it gets stronger and stronger like an obsessive compulsion. I just wish it would leave me alone! Instead it just gets louder. The way I can fool myself into thinking, "this time I'm just going to limit myself at 6." I can barely move right now.
Im having trouble throwing my deepest confessions out there for fear of being judged as harshly as Im judging myself. But I think maybe they need to come out? Irresponsible and reckless.
I am a completely broken person and I am lost. It is really hard for me to see a future for myself. I just dont know what that is even supposed to be now. I can barely get myself out of bed most days, even when I am sober. I just cant face it all. Every morning I wake up disappointed to be me and I just want to disappear. How do I make it stop?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Welcome and, I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. I know the self-loathing that you speak of and if you allow it, it will destroy you. You must let go of the guilt and shame and begin to move forward. You have value and you will find yourself again. I know that.
You can start by not drinking today. The enjoyment you speak of is not going to come from alcohol, though your disease is trying desperately to make you believe that. Once you stop drinking you can begin to put one foot in front of the other and make the changes you need to be the person and the wife you want to be.
It's not easy, but it's simple. Don't drink, get up, make a plan for the day to accomplish a few things and do that.
You can start by not drinking today. The enjoyment you speak of is not going to come from alcohol, though your disease is trying desperately to make you believe that. Once you stop drinking you can begin to put one foot in front of the other and make the changes you need to be the person and the wife you want to be.
It's not easy, but it's simple. Don't drink, get up, make a plan for the day to accomplish a few things and do that.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
Welcome to the family. 
Drinking brings on depression. When I was drinking I thought I'd never feel anything but despair. 
Stop drinking and take good care of yourself and after a while, you'll notice a difference. It takes a few months but you will feel happier sober. I know I did. And I was deeply depressed.
The other thing I did to bolster my sobriety was to start practicing gratitude every day. It helped me to have a positive attitude and a better outlook on life.
I hope our support can help you get sober for good.
Drinking brings on depression. When I was drinking I thought I'd never feel anything but despair. 
Stop drinking and take good care of yourself and after a while, you'll notice a difference. It takes a few months but you will feel happier sober. I know I did. And I was deeply depressed.
The other thing I did to bolster my sobriety was to start practicing gratitude every day. It helped me to have a positive attitude and a better outlook on life.
I hope our support can help you get sober for good.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome, NotOnlyMe - I'm so glad you found us & told your story.
You'll get no harsh judgment from me - I was drinking 'round the clock when I first came here. It had been part of my life for so long, I couldn't imagine being without it. I had thought it was helping me cope, & seeing me through a bad time - but I grew dependent on it. In truth, it wasn't doing a thing except causing more anxiety and misery. It was so good to get free of it & face my problems with a clear head. You can do it! Please be kind and patient with yourself - and keep posting.
You'll get no harsh judgment from me - I was drinking 'round the clock when I first came here. It had been part of my life for so long, I couldn't imagine being without it. I had thought it was helping me cope, & seeing me through a bad time - but I grew dependent on it. In truth, it wasn't doing a thing except causing more anxiety and misery. It was so good to get free of it & face my problems with a clear head. You can do it! Please be kind and patient with yourself - and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 610
Welcome.
It sounds like your in a tough spot but glad you are here as drinking will only make it far worse. Things can and will get better if you give up alcohol. It takes some time and work but you can achieve this and give your son the most important thing he needs -you.
This place is a great source of support so stick around.
It sounds like your in a tough spot but glad you are here as drinking will only make it far worse. Things can and will get better if you give up alcohol. It takes some time and work but you can achieve this and give your son the most important thing he needs -you.
This place is a great source of support so stick around.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 148
It really does sound like you have a lot of difficult things to deal with right now. I know that it may be very hard and seem overwhelming but with one step at a time you will be able to turn your life around. Drinking has only ever made any situation I was in worse for me. I know it sounds easy to stop. It wasn't for me. It is simple but it is hard and from my own experience you have to REALLY want to stop.
Keep coming back. We all want to be here for you.
Keep coming back. We all want to be here for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 203
Hello and Welcome
You won't get judgement here. Believe me- everyone on here knows exactly what you are going through. No matter what you say- I can guarantee someone can beat it.
I drank myself silly for 20 years. I will celebrate 10 years sober this summer. What would my advice be? Pray. Ask God for help and then listen to his answer.
Do you want to quit or are you have major guilt because of last night? (Been there). Every morning that I woke after a major bender, one that I was dying of embarrassment and cringing because of what I did, I would swear off alcohol. It would last all of a day, maybe 2 and then I'd be right back at it.
The day I quit. The morning of my last drink I finally had had enough. I was so sick and tired of waking up feeling horrible and cringing at what I could remember I did and panicking about what I couldn't. Never in my life will a drink be as good as NOT feeling that panic ever again. It is what has gotten me through 10 years. You can do this. Pray. It works.
You won't get judgement here. Believe me- everyone on here knows exactly what you are going through. No matter what you say- I can guarantee someone can beat it.
I drank myself silly for 20 years. I will celebrate 10 years sober this summer. What would my advice be? Pray. Ask God for help and then listen to his answer.
Do you want to quit or are you have major guilt because of last night? (Been there). Every morning that I woke after a major bender, one that I was dying of embarrassment and cringing because of what I did, I would swear off alcohol. It would last all of a day, maybe 2 and then I'd be right back at it.
The day I quit. The morning of my last drink I finally had had enough. I was so sick and tired of waking up feeling horrible and cringing at what I could remember I did and panicking about what I couldn't. Never in my life will a drink be as good as NOT feeling that panic ever again. It is what has gotten me through 10 years. You can do this. Pray. It works.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 48
Hi there fellow momma. I can very much relate. I’m also new here, and I’ve managed two weeks without drinking. This past Friday, I had one of the strongest cravings yet. And while in the midst of wanting to pour myself a glass of wine very badly, looked over at my little toddler sitting on the sofa and felt immediate and intense sadness. That feeling stopped me in my tracks, and I got past the craving. In that moment, brief as it was, I saw two paths: he’d either be in an unpredictable and possibly tumultuous childhood, or he’d have stability and a higher percentage of not having to collect unhealthy coping mechanisms he’d have to spend years of pain and counseling undoing (that is, hopefully undoing).
I’ve been drinking daily for ten years. Quit while pregnant, but picked it right back up, and with a vengeance. Just dawned on me while typing that I didn’t drink while pregnant to protect my baby from health problems, so why did I think I could drink and avoid giving him different problems?
It’s hard. It’s so much easier to get that nice buzz and do life on autopilot (LIE). I’m just remembering that autopilot came with some severe and awfully painful consequences—physically for sure. I had so many panic attacks. Face looked haggard every morning, and then eventually in the last couple of years, all day. Exercise hurt terribly. Waist expanded. Spiritual consequences—hid from God (as if). Missed church for being hungover. Guilt, shame, feeling like a hypocrite. Mentally—cloudy thinking. Mind dull at work. Emotionally. Basically, there isn’t an area of my life that damn drink didn’t affect. And no effect was positive. I truly can’t think of one.
My thinking finally changed, thank goodness. I committed. And that for me was the turning point. I told myself I didn’t have to drink to survive. Then I asked for help on this forum. People posted with ideas and encouragement, and I’ve been on here reading and posting occasionally ever since.
I made it through another day today sober. But that’s not really the right way of saying it. I am so grateful to have lived today sober. The peace and abiding joy I experienced in quiet moments today have been free, completely without a price. The buzz cost an awful lot.
From one mom of a young child to another, I believe in your healing. I posted something a few days ago about having the chance to give him a stable life as I was noticing his hands are still small.
Let’s just not drink today.
I’ve been drinking daily for ten years. Quit while pregnant, but picked it right back up, and with a vengeance. Just dawned on me while typing that I didn’t drink while pregnant to protect my baby from health problems, so why did I think I could drink and avoid giving him different problems?
It’s hard. It’s so much easier to get that nice buzz and do life on autopilot (LIE). I’m just remembering that autopilot came with some severe and awfully painful consequences—physically for sure. I had so many panic attacks. Face looked haggard every morning, and then eventually in the last couple of years, all day. Exercise hurt terribly. Waist expanded. Spiritual consequences—hid from God (as if). Missed church for being hungover. Guilt, shame, feeling like a hypocrite. Mentally—cloudy thinking. Mind dull at work. Emotionally. Basically, there isn’t an area of my life that damn drink didn’t affect. And no effect was positive. I truly can’t think of one.
My thinking finally changed, thank goodness. I committed. And that for me was the turning point. I told myself I didn’t have to drink to survive. Then I asked for help on this forum. People posted with ideas and encouragement, and I’ve been on here reading and posting occasionally ever since.
I made it through another day today sober. But that’s not really the right way of saying it. I am so grateful to have lived today sober. The peace and abiding joy I experienced in quiet moments today have been free, completely without a price. The buzz cost an awful lot.
From one mom of a young child to another, I believe in your healing. I posted something a few days ago about having the chance to give him a stable life as I was noticing his hands are still small.
Let’s just not drink today.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I'm really sorry for all you're going through, but I'm glad you found us NotOnlyMe. You're among friends here
I think stopping drinking is vitally important for our mental health and for our future.
You've got a lot of stuff on your plate, for sure, but you're not alone
D
I think stopping drinking is vitally important for our mental health and for our future.
You've got a lot of stuff on your plate, for sure, but you're not alone
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Pacific Time Zone, USA
Posts: 29
Hi everyone and thank you so much for your support and reaching out to me. It truly means a lot. In my world, I don't have much in the way of friendships, and I am really hoping that having somewhere I can turn will help me.
I don't only want to stop for myself and for my son, but I NEED to stop. Otherwise, I am going to end up losing the only thing in my life that truly matters to me. I know exactly what you are speaking of, as I have done the same many, many times. I still fear it may happen again at some point, but I am trying to find a way to safeguard against it.
Thank you for the reminder that it is still early and that we still have a chance at doing this right. So far I have been lucky that my actions haven't cost more. But he deserves so much more. I wanted this baby so badly. Dreamt about how I would do everything right. The second I had him, I couldn't wait to start drinking again. I was back at it within the first week. Time goes by so quickly and I just want to embrace my time with him. I don't want to let it slip by in a haze.
I don't really know how to let go of all of these negative emotions. I am completely overwhelmed by them. Sadly, I will not get another chance to be the wife I want to be. Things are much too far gone for that. My husband was incredibly mean and unsupportive during my postpartum depression and has convinced himself and everyone around him that I am crazy. That is just the tip of the iceburg. Emotional abuse, violent behavior, disappearing with our son... Thats why I ended up in a shelter with baby. It was unbearably awful. Even still, Im in a state of grieving right now because even though it is clear that it's just not going to work out between us, we were together for over 1.5 decade. My biggest fear is that he is coming for our son.
Anyway, I'm going to try to take all of your advice and thank you again to each and every one of you. It helps. Not drink today, practice gratitude, posting for support, taking care of myself, being patient and kind with myself... The praying is a bit tough for me as I have never really been able to accept religion or faith. That one always stumps me. I sometimes envy those who have an awakened sense of spirituality.
Originally Posted by Ileana 
Do you want to quit or are you have major guilt because of last night? (Been there). Every morning that I woke after a major bender, one that I was dying of embarrassment and cringing because of what I did, I would swear off alcohol. It would last all of a day, maybe 2 and then I'd be right back at it.
Originally Posted by Rungirl2018
From one mom of a young child to another, I believe in your healing. I posted something a few days ago about having the chance to give him a stable life as I was noticing his hands are still small.
Let’s just not drink today.
Let’s just not drink today.
Originally Posted by Anna
You must let go of the guilt and shame and begin to move forward. You have value and you will find yourself again. I know that.
You can start by not drinking today. The enjoyment you speak of is not going to come from alcohol, though your disease is trying desperately to make you believe that. Once you stop drinking you can begin to put one foot in front of the other and make the changes you need to be the person and the wife you want to be.
You can start by not drinking today. The enjoyment you speak of is not going to come from alcohol, though your disease is trying desperately to make you believe that. Once you stop drinking you can begin to put one foot in front of the other and make the changes you need to be the person and the wife you want to be.
Anyway, I'm going to try to take all of your advice and thank you again to each and every one of you. It helps. Not drink today, practice gratitude, posting for support, taking care of myself, being patient and kind with myself... The praying is a bit tough for me as I have never really been able to accept religion or faith. That one always stumps me. I sometimes envy those who have an awakened sense of spirituality.
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