Having a hard time disconnecting from A boyfriend
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 72
Having a hard time disconnecting from A boyfriend
Hello and thank you for reading my post. I am 47 years old and met my BF as I got divorced from my husband. We have been dating for 5 years but do not live together. We both have busy schedules as single working parents and I did not see him much. I found him hiding alcohol about 2 years ago and asked him to get treatment but he refused. He has continued to hide the alcohol but I decided that it didn’t effect me because we didn’t live together etc. We recently did an event with our children and I caught him about to drive with a bottle that had vodka in it. I confronted him and broke up with him.
I am a strong, intelligent person but I put the needs of others before my own. He doesn’t understand why I would abandon him bc of his problem. He is just desperate to stay connected and I am allowing us to talk so that I can provide support to him. However I realize that if he relapses I may not be aware - he is not the type to act impaired. He seems to be a maintenance drinker - just small amounts over a lot of tine.
And, of course, I’m concerned that he’s just pushing until we’re back in the same patterns.
Not sure how to say no without feeling like I’ve abandoned him
I am a strong, intelligent person but I put the needs of others before my own. He doesn’t understand why I would abandon him bc of his problem. He is just desperate to stay connected and I am allowing us to talk so that I can provide support to him. However I realize that if he relapses I may not be aware - he is not the type to act impaired. He seems to be a maintenance drinker - just small amounts over a lot of tine.
And, of course, I’m concerned that he’s just pushing until we’re back in the same patterns.
Not sure how to say no without feeling like I’ve abandoned him
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Puppies can be abandoned. Children, kittens--they can be "abandoned." Adult human beings who are capable of taking care of themselves cannot be abandoned. First order of business is to change that script you have in your head, which he is validating for his own ends.
You are a person who deserves a respectful and present partner. You deserve to live your life they way you want to live it, and if that is without an alcoholic boyfriend around, attempting to manipulate things back to the old status quo where he drinks and you don't say anything about it, then you have every right to that.
You are a person who deserves a respectful and present partner. You deserve to live your life they way you want to live it, and if that is without an alcoholic boyfriend around, attempting to manipulate things back to the old status quo where he drinks and you don't say anything about it, then you have every right to that.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi.
Glad you're here, but sorry for what brings you here.
It may be useful for you to read around the Friends and Family area on this focus, especially the 'stickies'. Also if you have not yet heard of / investigated AlAnon this would be useful for you.
There is also a miriad of literature about co-dependency. One book that has helped many is Co-dependent No More.
What you are experiencing happens a lot. And no, your alcoholic won't understand how anyone could put themselves and their own welfare ahead of him and his drinking. And that is because active alcoholics are selfish in the extreme and expect the world to revolve around them. Just because he / they expect this, doesn't make it right that it happens. You are responsible for YOU (and your kids) and HE is responsible for HIS drinking and the consequences of it. Active alcoholics are prettybexpert at dodging the consequences off their drinking and immature behaviour, and quickly feel victimised and self-pitying when things catch up with them and bite them on the bum. There is nothing you will be able to say or do that will stop an active alcoholic feeling that way. This is no reason to stay with them forever if their behaviour is detrimental to your peace and wellbeing, or that of those you care about.
BB
Glad you're here, but sorry for what brings you here.
It may be useful for you to read around the Friends and Family area on this focus, especially the 'stickies'. Also if you have not yet heard of / investigated AlAnon this would be useful for you.
There is also a miriad of literature about co-dependency. One book that has helped many is Co-dependent No More.
What you are experiencing happens a lot. And no, your alcoholic won't understand how anyone could put themselves and their own welfare ahead of him and his drinking. And that is because active alcoholics are selfish in the extreme and expect the world to revolve around them. Just because he / they expect this, doesn't make it right that it happens. You are responsible for YOU (and your kids) and HE is responsible for HIS drinking and the consequences of it. Active alcoholics are prettybexpert at dodging the consequences off their drinking and immature behaviour, and quickly feel victimised and self-pitying when things catch up with them and bite them on the bum. There is nothing you will be able to say or do that will stop an active alcoholic feeling that way. This is no reason to stay with them forever if their behaviour is detrimental to your peace and wellbeing, or that of those you care about.
BB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 72
Thank you
Hello thank you for your feedback. It is true that puppies and children can be abandoned but grown men can’t. I’ve read some other posts and I see how “obvious” it is that the partner can’t save the alcoholics etc. so he’s on his way to my house right now. I kid didn’t have the strength to keep saying no. This visit is to bring me some food he cooked for me. He said he’ll leave it then go. This is just tears down my strength. I’m lonely and he knows it. Believe it or not I work in the mental health field and I KNOW all of this ... I’m
Just weak I suppose.
Just weak I suppose.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by 2kind4me 
Believe it or not I work in the mental health field and I KNOW all of this ... I’m
Just weak I suppose.
Just weak I suppose.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, 2kind.
You are not weak, you are not yet ready to give up, I think.
Or maybe you are but aren’t sure how?
One of the really dreadful aspects of addiction, imo, is the normalization of unacceptable behavior by the addict and others in his/her orbit.
We accept it because we hope for change, we hope that the addict will seek help and be the person that we want him/her to be.
The good thing is, you don’t live together, you are not married.
You can cut ties relatively easily, though I know the really difficult ties to cut are the emotional ones.
Good luck.
You are not weak, you are not yet ready to give up, I think.
Or maybe you are but aren’t sure how?
One of the really dreadful aspects of addiction, imo, is the normalization of unacceptable behavior by the addict and others in his/her orbit.
We accept it because we hope for change, we hope that the addict will seek help and be the person that we want him/her to be.
The good thing is, you don’t live together, you are not married.
You can cut ties relatively easily, though I know the really difficult ties to cut are the emotional ones.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by 2kind4me
.... This visit is to bring me some food he cooked for me. He said he’ll leave it then go. This is just tears down my strength. I’m lonely and he knows it.
You don't NEED him to cook you dinner. You need him to be emotionally available and someone that can be slightly consistent who you can trust all the time (not just when sober). Jeez these Peter Pans and their supposed boyish charm when they wanna get round someone is pretty sickening. He's messing up your LIFE and he brings you some dinner.
What's even sickening is that I used to be so like this myself. GAH.
BB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Hi, 2kind.
You are not weak, you are not yet ready to give up, I think.
Or maybe you are but aren’t sure how?
One of the really dreadful aspects of addiction, imo, is the normalization of unacceptable behavior by the addict and others in his/her orbit.
We accept it because we hope for change, we hope that the addict will seek help and be the person that we want him/her to be.
The good thing is, you don’t live together, you are not married.
You can cut ties relatively easily, though I know the really difficult ties to cut are the emotional ones.
Good luck.
You are not weak, you are not yet ready to give up, I think.
Or maybe you are but aren’t sure how?
One of the really dreadful aspects of addiction, imo, is the normalization of unacceptable behavior by the addict and others in his/her orbit.
We accept it because we hope for change, we hope that the addict will seek help and be the person that we want him/her to be.
The good thing is, you don’t live together, you are not married.
You can cut ties relatively easily, though I know the really difficult ties to cut are the emotional ones.
Good luck.
Thank you for your reply. I agree with all that you said. I could cut the ties at any time. He sounded good about his willingness to attend AA. I do think that he got a good kick in the ass by this incident but is still in denial about the meaning of hiding alcohol etc. I made it clear that we will not return to where we were and that I’m going To focus on myself. He appeared to accept that though I see that he is pushing for what he wants. If I could detach a bit, stop beating myself up and focus on my work would be healthy. That’s my goal.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Sounds like a good goal.
Round here, we say “Look to someone’s actions, not their words.”
From my view in the cheap seats, it sounds like your SO isn’t quite ready to accept that alcohol is a problem, butI think more will be revealed.
Round here, we say “Look to someone’s actions, not their words.”
From my view in the cheap seats, it sounds like your SO isn’t quite ready to accept that alcohol is a problem, butI think more will be revealed.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Welcome to SR, 2kind!
My ex-boyfreind used those same tactics on me.
He accused me of abandoning him, that I just needed to have more faith in him. When that didn't work, he promised to go to the local rehab and get an assessment--even went to AA with me for a little while.
As soon as things settled down he started drinking again. He was so good at being sweet and kind to me so he could get his own way that when I finally got the strength to make the final break, I knew I'd have to cut him off completely. I was so afraid of him sucking me back in again.
Being stubborn and refusing any temptation to talk to him or communicate with him in any way was the only way I could break his hold over me. It was really painful, but not near as bad as spending any more time living with active addiction.
You'll find a lot of information and support to help you with all this in the Freinds and Family forum on here.
My ex-boyfreind used those same tactics on me.
He accused me of abandoning him, that I just needed to have more faith in him. When that didn't work, he promised to go to the local rehab and get an assessment--even went to AA with me for a little while.
As soon as things settled down he started drinking again. He was so good at being sweet and kind to me so he could get his own way that when I finally got the strength to make the final break, I knew I'd have to cut him off completely. I was so afraid of him sucking me back in again.
Being stubborn and refusing any temptation to talk to him or communicate with him in any way was the only way I could break his hold over me. It was really painful, but not near as bad as spending any more time living with active addiction.
You'll find a lot of information and support to help you with all this in the Freinds and Family forum on here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 274
My way or the highway?
Sounds harsh, but maybe you need to focus on you! Sounds as if you realize that. I think everyone here would be sympathetic. If he doesn't want to heal, and I have been that person, there is not much anybody can do. I am an alcoholic and I was not reliable or available to my boyfriend. Not long after that 15 year relationship was destroyed by my drinking I found a man on line. He was not on anything when I met him but soon it became obvious that he was a stoner. He would start smoking pot the moment he woke up. I asked him to leave but he always came back. I asked him to seek treatment. He went once, to an university drug abuse research program no less, and found lots of excuses not to go again or take the meds he was prescribed for depression and anxiety. There were things I liked about him but I had to pay for everything while he watched cartoons. When I told his mother, who was a good friend of mine at that point, later she took his side
and yes she did take sides, that the money she sent him went to weed and then he bought a gun and a kayak he got very angry and said "you are a backstabber and you have destroyed everything we had". Everything we had?! The penny dropped: I was an enabler for his drug habit. I miss him but it is clear that he did not love me. He loved his high, and he needed me. On the other hand I was emotionally invested in him. It has been two years since I dated. I am concentrating on my sobriety. I don't know if my story is helpful at all, but it is very difficult to have a healthy relationship with someone that has an addiction, great or small.
and yes she did take sides, that the money she sent him went to weed and then he bought a gun and a kayak he got very angry and said "you are a backstabber and you have destroyed everything we had". Everything we had?! The penny dropped: I was an enabler for his drug habit. I miss him but it is clear that he did not love me. He loved his high, and he needed me. On the other hand I was emotionally invested in him. It has been two years since I dated. I am concentrating on my sobriety. I don't know if my story is helpful at all, but it is very difficult to have a healthy relationship with someone that has an addiction, great or small.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by Bird615
Welcome to SR, 2kind!
My ex-boyfreind used those same tactics on me.
He accused me of abandoning him, that I just needed to have more faith in him. When that didn't work, he promised to go to the local rehab and get an assessment--even went to AA with me for a little while.
As soon as things settled down he started drinking again. He was so good at being sweet and kind to me so he could get his own way that when I finally got the strength to make the final break, I knew I'd have to cut him off completely. I was so afraid of him sucking me back in again.
Being stubborn and refusing any temptation to talk to him or communicate with him in any way was the only way I could break his hold over me. It was really painful, but not near as bad as spending any more time living with active addiction.
You'll find a lot of information and support to help you with all this in the Freinds and Family forum on here.
My ex-boyfreind used those same tactics on me.
He accused me of abandoning him, that I just needed to have more faith in him. When that didn't work, he promised to go to the local rehab and get an assessment--even went to AA with me for a little while.
As soon as things settled down he started drinking again. He was so good at being sweet and kind to me so he could get his own way that when I finally got the strength to make the final break, I knew I'd have to cut him off completely. I was so afraid of him sucking me back in again.
Being stubborn and refusing any temptation to talk to him or communicate with him in any way was the only way I could break his hold over me. It was really painful, but not near as bad as spending any more time living with active addiction.
You'll find a lot of information and support to help you with all this in the Freinds and Family forum on here.
Thank you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by icewater1961
Sounds harsh, but maybe you need to focus on you! Sounds as if you realize that. I think everyone here would be sympathetic. If he doesn't want to heal, and I have been that person, there is not much anybody can do. I am an alcoholic and I was not reliable or available to my boyfriend. Not long after that 15 year relationship was destroyed by my drinking I found a man on line. He was not on anything when I met him but soon it became obvious that he was a stoner. He would start smoking pot the moment he woke up. I asked him to leave but he always came back. I asked him to seek treatment. He went once, to an university drug abuse research program no less, and found lots of excuses not to go again or take the meds he was prescribed for depression and anxiety. There were things I liked about him but I had to pay for everything while he watched cartoons. When I told his mother, who was a good friend of mine at that point, later she took his side
and yes she did take sides, that the money she sent him went to weed and then he bought a gun and a kayak he got very angry and said "you are a backstabber and you have destroyed everything we had". Everything we had?! The penny dropped: I was an enabler for his drug habit. I miss him but it is clear that he did not love me. He loved his high, and he needed me. On the other hand I was emotionally invested in him. It has been two years since I dated. I am concentrating on my sobriety. I don't know if my story is helpful at all, but it is very difficult to have a healthy relationship with someone that has an addiction, great or small.
and yes she did take sides, that the money she sent him went to weed and then he bought a gun and a kayak he got very angry and said "you are a backstabber and you have destroyed everything we had". Everything we had?! The penny dropped: I was an enabler for his drug habit. I miss him but it is clear that he did not love me. He loved his high, and he needed me. On the other hand I was emotionally invested in him. It has been two years since I dated. I am concentrating on my sobriety. I don't know if my story is helpful at all, but it is very difficult to have a healthy relationship with someone that has an addiction, great or small.
And congrats to you on your sobriety btw. Sounds like you’re doing well.
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