162! Hubby & I are fighting
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Congratulations on 162 Days!!! That is awesome.
Go get a frozen yogurt, ice cream, chocolate cake, whatever is a special treat for yourself. Treat yourself to something that makes you feel bliss. Take care of Ashley and cherish your 162 days.
Go get a frozen yogurt, ice cream, chocolate cake, whatever is a special treat for yourself. Treat yourself to something that makes you feel bliss. Take care of Ashley and cherish your 162 days.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Ashley
I'm not really one for relationship advice but I believe in three things: communication compromise and empathy.
Express your concerns calmly and in as neutral a way as you can.
Then listen to the reply.
Try and put yourself in your hubby's shoes best you can.
I'm sure his studies are important to him, just as a desire for a little affection and attention are important to you.
I'm sure you can work out a compromise with a little give and take
Congrats on 162
D
I'm not really one for relationship advice but I believe in three things: communication compromise and empathy.
Express your concerns calmly and in as neutral a way as you can.
Then listen to the reply.
Try and put yourself in your hubby's shoes best you can.
I'm sure his studies are important to him, just as a desire for a little affection and attention are important to you.
I'm sure you can work out a compromise with a little give and take
Congrats on 162
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Melbourne Beach, FL
Posts: 253
I apologize if this may sound a bit cold, but IMHO, this shouldn't be a forum to elicit relationship advice outside of how alcohol is affecting it. Nobody here can truly understand the situation. The best thing to do is agree on a time to have a compassionate, frank discussion to see where both of you sit on the matter and work through the discrepancies so both of your needs are being met.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
From what you have shared it seems as though you need to find something to busy yourself with to be honest.
Perspective is also key.
He could be out galavanting instead of studying hard.
He could zone out from studying by talking to someone else instead of playing a game to unwind.
You could be alone without your person.
It could be significantly worse.
I would focus on my recovery.
Counter his positivity with your own.
And lest we forget the absolute hell we put our significant others through whilest drinking. I was a nightmare. I have a lot of grace for the people who stood by me through that $#!t show. Keeps me humble and extremely grateful.
We are addicts/alcoholics, we want what we want when we want it. Not easy to unlearn this behaviour, but necessary if we want peace. The struggle is real, but totally worth the effort.
Just my two cents.
Congrats on your time.
Jules
Perspective is also key.
He could be out galavanting instead of studying hard.
He could zone out from studying by talking to someone else instead of playing a game to unwind.
You could be alone without your person.
It could be significantly worse.
I would focus on my recovery.
Counter his positivity with your own.
And lest we forget the absolute hell we put our significant others through whilest drinking. I was a nightmare. I have a lot of grace for the people who stood by me through that $#!t show. Keeps me humble and extremely grateful.
We are addicts/alcoholics, we want what we want when we want it. Not easy to unlearn this behaviour, but necessary if we want peace. The struggle is real, but totally worth the effort.
Just my two cents.
Congrats on your time.
Jules
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hugs to you Ashley.
You know, we realky can be very sensitive in early recovery - the first year definitely, but need now if I don't do my daily recovery work. (Well, I know thatbi was certainly oversensitive. And a little needy at times)
One book that I found helpful and positive to read is once called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Also, have you considered taking time to nurture some closer female friends outside the house? I need companionship and conversation that my partner is sometime unqualified for, and doesn't have the resources to give me at the times I want it. Since I've been in recovery I have made some wonderful friendships with other females who have been through similar to me, who don't want to go out to bars, but are quite happy to go for coffee, or bowling, or for a walk, or shopping, or whatever. It's a shame he's unable to do those things so much at the moment but there's no reason you couldn't do those things with a pal.
You know, it's very easy for these kind of resentments to eat us up, and worse still, make us quite effective in driving the person we care about further away emotionally. Nobody wants to snuggle or get it on with someone who's sulking at or nagging us. Pouting really isn't as attractive as the photos in the media might have us believe.
I hope things get better soon.
BB
You know, we realky can be very sensitive in early recovery - the first year definitely, but need now if I don't do my daily recovery work. (Well, I know thatbi was certainly oversensitive. And a little needy at times)
One book that I found helpful and positive to read is once called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Also, have you considered taking time to nurture some closer female friends outside the house? I need companionship and conversation that my partner is sometime unqualified for, and doesn't have the resources to give me at the times I want it. Since I've been in recovery I have made some wonderful friendships with other females who have been through similar to me, who don't want to go out to bars, but are quite happy to go for coffee, or bowling, or for a walk, or shopping, or whatever. It's a shame he's unable to do those things so much at the moment but there's no reason you couldn't do those things with a pal.
You know, it's very easy for these kind of resentments to eat us up, and worse still, make us quite effective in driving the person we care about further away emotionally. Nobody wants to snuggle or get it on with someone who's sulking at or nagging us. Pouting really isn't as attractive as the photos in the media might have us believe.
I hope things get better soon.
BB
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Stockport/Greater Manchester/Cheshire
Posts: 911
Do you think we expect things on demand because that’s what we got when we used our drug of choice. Mine being alcohol.
When my spouse wasn’t doing what I expected of her ( whether that be how she treat me or how she went about things ) I would start to feel resentment.
Part of the way she acted was do to the way I used to be ( she was a little bitter & rightly so)
I found relaxing tequniques useul when the resentment came. They gave me the space to get to know myself better.
Its been nearly a year sober for me now.
We almost separated last month but we got through it.
We both realise I’m a different person to what I was.
I think it takes time to recover and time to make the relationship work.
And most of all patience and love.
Best not to force it, just let it happen with a positive outlook.
Take care
When my spouse wasn’t doing what I expected of her ( whether that be how she treat me or how she went about things ) I would start to feel resentment.
Part of the way she acted was do to the way I used to be ( she was a little bitter & rightly so)
I found relaxing tequniques useul when the resentment came. They gave me the space to get to know myself better.
Its been nearly a year sober for me now.
We almost separated last month but we got through it.
We both realise I’m a different person to what I was.
I think it takes time to recover and time to make the relationship work.
And most of all patience and love.
Best not to force it, just let it happen with a positive outlook.
Take care
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