JackD89

I thought I was going to crack last night.

My emotions, wow. The stress kicks in and I find this burning anger I've rarely felt in my life move up through my spine and into the center of my head that makes no rational sense. Maybe the years of suppressing all of this are starting to shine through.

I lack focus. I cannot focus on my work at all. It took me 9 hours to do something yesterday that would typically take me 3, and it was filled with errors. I feel like I need a break.

I keep at it though.

I had another drunk dream last night. I haven't had one of those in a couple days. I felt a lot of shame in the dream. It was like a typical weekend when I was drinking. I got home from work, downed a pint of smirnoff with a few hard ciders and passed out. Woke up, went to the store, bought a bottle of vodka and drank it till it was dry, staying drunk till I woke up with the shakes on a Monday.

I wake up in real life relieved when I realize it's not real. It keeps me going.

Sobriety is hard, man.

FitNonDrinker

EXCELLENT job JackD! How amazing is it to wake up feeling GOOD?! It's worth it. You can do this

Finalround

Well done in the fight Jack. I made it 20 days in October before falling off again. It was much like you describe. Every day was a battle. But, all I did was stop drinking and it wasn't enough. I needed a more in depth strategy to change my patterns and behavior.
Went to dinner on day 18 in October and thought I needed a glass of wine. It took all my mental capacity to fight it off. Felt like the walls were closing in. Right up to the point the waiter took the drink order. I don't think I even heard him and I was able to say, "seltzer with lime". It was an out of body experience. I was physically exhausted from it. So much so I went right to bed when I got home. Now I thought I could "will" my way through anything.
Well, here I am one week sober. I had a lot to learn about the hold alcohol has on me. It takes more than just the will to stop.
Sorry so long, your post resonated with me. Wishing you the best. Post more often, it helps.

entropy1964

For me acceptance is the foundation of my recovery. I have to accept, absolutely, that I cannot drink no matter what. And it isn't an easy concept...or it wasn't for me. I could quit for periods of time, but there was always a fight, a struggle and that resulted in anger, irritation and lack of focus.

For me alcohol simply no longer worked. No matter what my addicted brain or society told me, alcohol never delivered on what it promised.

No it did no relieve stress. No it did not make me happier. No it did not make me feel good. It created more problems on all levels. Admitting that completely is the first step.

JackD89

Thanks for the response. Alcohol and the addiction it has over us is a strange thing. Posting here has helped me a lot actually. And I appreciate people such as you taking time to respond and share a bit of your story. All the power to you in your recovery!

Dustitoffman

Hi Jack

Funny thing this sobriety business!
I am at 38 days today after a slip I had 111 before the 7 day slip.

The symptoms I had on the 111 days in many ways different to the 38 days this time.
What ever you do don't make the mistake of complacency. Do slip up and go back to day 1 to do it all over.

I also found myself consumed by anger yesterday almost an internal rage I can find no logical reason for it above biological changes I could not get to sleep even though sleep has not been a problem for me and I woke up perspiring. Got Up went to gym and absolutely fine today.

All I can say is be kind and forgiving to yourself!
Best wishes, Dusty😎

Dustitoffman

Sorry spell check must have changed DONT SLIP UP AND GO BACK TO DAY 1. replaced don't with do.
MY HUMBLE AND SINCERE APPOLOGY !!!!

Dee74

You can do this Jack - keep fighting

D