Gabe1980

is to be myself.

For me the biggest challenge in staying sober is learning to be comfortable with myself. I have this crawly feeling around people, which makes me want to peel my own skin off. I can't do small talk, I can't do un-announced visitors (or visitors in general really!) and I can't do talking on the phone.......but I'm slowly learning.

At some point in my teens I starting hiding from myself and from other people to. I have a pathalogical fear of rejection and I feel judged by most people I meet. What I've learned, in these past few weeks working on being sober, is that I'm projecting that belief onto other people because I'm actually judging and rejecting myself. How nuts is that!! But it feels really good to understand that too. I made the world a terrifying place a long time ago and I remained terrified in it.

Well.....I don't want to be scared anymore. I'm certainly not drinking because I'm afraid anymore. I am going to take a deep breath and embrace the world and have relationships with people in it (slowly, slowly.)

I often don't post on here because I'm trying to think of the types of things I should say instead of what I really feel and what I want to say.

Well....today I wanted to say this, so I did!

Thank you for taking the time to read it. Gabe x

tekink

I find that very hard to.

It's to the point where I don't actually know who I am. I started drinking at social occasions in college (that's every friday and saturday at the least) as I wasn't a very social person and drinking broke me out of my shell. I wasn't the most popular person growing up in my neighborhood but at college no one knew that and girls actually lined up to talk to me. Drinking seemed very positive then.

From there I hid the me I was ashamed of away and replaced it with the new party person I became.

At age 45 I have absolutely no idea who I am these days but now I have a clear head to try and figure that out.

This is the next part of my recovery and what I plan to work on in year number 2. For now I'm just trying to see to the end of year 1.

Gabe1980

I was the exactly the same. Went to university and hid behind this persona, the girl who drank alot and didn't care about rules.

I was badly bullied and had a difficult time from my early teens and it was just an opportunity to bury the parts of myself I was ashamed of. I have had a lot of shame to process. I think for many of us the shame if already there and then is compounded by the shame brought on by years of drinking and the awful behaviour that comes from that.

I'm 37 and have only recently started to fully realise that I really am a much better, more likeable and more reliable person sober. Even if everyone is drinking I am better company sober. There was never anything wrong with that person I hid. But there was certainly something wrong with the person I became when I drank. Gabe x

joandmelandhan

Gabe I think we all lose our true selves when drinking.
Not just the drinking either. I got so used to putting on the façade of "being fine" when I wasn't its difficult to just be myself. I still don't really know who I am 5 months in. Apart from here. I feel comfortable here.
Like you I don't want to be that cartoon caricature version of myself any more. It just takes time not only for us to find out who we are but also for that to be even recognised yet alone accepted. I noticed over Christmas there was such a big expectation for me to be over-the-top and a stress-head and I actually wasn't. People aren't used to the authentic me. I'm not used to the authentic me.
With many things on this journey it takes time. We have the rest of our lives to learn and grow.
You're doing great Gabe and it's helpful to get things out here so keep doing that. Oh but less of the "should". If you want to do something then go ahead and do it! That's part of the wonderful freedom sobriety brings xxx

tekink

I went through the bullying also, for me it was more kindergarten through 4th grade but it still followed me around through high school.

My dad took his 5 year old son, put some boxing gloves on him and told him to take care of this by himself. Because the 4th graders were a lot bigger than me I never had the guts to punch anyone. My older sister was in on it because she hated me following her around. I punched her in the nose because she was teasing me with everyone else and got in trouble for it even though I told my dad she was picking on me and I did what he told me to do. I punched her hard enough to make her laugh and still went home in tears that day.

The only thing he taught me is not to stand up for myself. Kind of sucks. I'm still dealing with this today and is the main reason I don't like to be around people.

Gabe1980

I think that's what people really don't get who have had these kinds of issues in their lives. How difficult it can be to sit across from someone and have a cup of coffee without feeling like you are going to have a nervous breakdown. To feel like you have no stable base in who you are. I'm working on accepting myself and being authentic in my life. I'm getting alot better at it!

I'm really grateful that things are starting to change. In posting like this I'm realising that I've found my group here in that people really understand this stuff. I used to feel so alone with it. I do believe that parts of ourself become suspended in time when we become active addicts and I still feel like a wee girl that is learning how to live as a women. As you said.....we have time to learn and to grow and I'll be eternally grateful for that too. Gabe x

Gabe1980

Yeah, I understand that. I don't like being around people either. It sounds like we both learned that being around people wasn't safe. I haven't trusted people my whole life and was constantly looking for evidence to support this. Looking for ridicule and for judgement then feeling like I didn't deserve any better when I found it.

I'm sorry you went through that, especially at 5 years old. I'm starting to realise there are loads of great people out there and that everyone has their own stuff too. I want to get to the point where I look for and expect the good in people. And where I see that in myself too. Gabe x

Anna

Gabe, I did the very same thing to myself growing up. By judging myself constantly, I became more and more reserved and isolated. As you said, take small steps and move forward slowly. For me, I still don't like being in crowds where I don't know people well. And, I will never be an extrovert, but that's okay. This book really helped me:

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
by Susan Cain

Gabe1980

Thanks Anna, I'm always on the look out for anything helpful to read. Doing everything slowly is so vital now. I'm prone to wanting everything now, instant change, just like a lot of us I think. Recognising and accepting the slow pace of change is a new thing for me but I can feel myself exhale, it doesn't need to all be done now, it's alright for things to take time. It doesn't need to be perfect either. Everything in it's own time! Gabe x

nova84

Beautiful post Gabe...thank you for saying what you wanted to say 💜

Gabe1980

Thank you Nova x