End of the day blues
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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End of the day blues
I was getting tired so decided to go up to bed and get some sleep. This happens quite frequently, as soon as I lay my head onto the pillow, my mind goes haywire.
I can't explain what it is, I know some of it is just cringe worthy moments that like to pop up and remind of past behaviour. Other thoughts are of my sadness for the times I ruined opportunities or of people I really cared for that broke all contact with me.
Of those people I invent conversations of them talking about how foolish they were to have trusted me or to have fell for me. I feel saddened by potentials that weren't reach. The what could of beens, the many what was I thinking moments. I imagine those that take me less seriously having mocking conversation of the things they witnessed me, an amusement to them. I imagine the emptiness and feebleness I'd feel if they happen to pass by me.
At the depth of it though is a sort of recognition of how surreal my existence is. Sort of anyway. As if all my actions are essentially futile, a frustration with doing the same things day in-day out; Maybe it's a fear of endings - death even! Like digging for pearls that don't dwell in the endless depths of sand.
I sound melodramatic here but just thought I'd write it anyway so it is off my chest.
I can't explain what it is, I know some of it is just cringe worthy moments that like to pop up and remind of past behaviour. Other thoughts are of my sadness for the times I ruined opportunities or of people I really cared for that broke all contact with me.
Of those people I invent conversations of them talking about how foolish they were to have trusted me or to have fell for me. I feel saddened by potentials that weren't reach. The what could of beens, the many what was I thinking moments. I imagine those that take me less seriously having mocking conversation of the things they witnessed me, an amusement to them. I imagine the emptiness and feebleness I'd feel if they happen to pass by me.
At the depth of it though is a sort of recognition of how surreal my existence is. Sort of anyway. As if all my actions are essentially futile, a frustration with doing the same things day in-day out; Maybe it's a fear of endings - death even! Like digging for pearls that don't dwell in the endless depths of sand.
I sound melodramatic here but just thought I'd write it anyway so it is off my chest.
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Hi lonewolf. So sorry you are having a bad end to the day. I have been reading posts most of the day and yours have really helped me. I know thoughts are horrible, they won't go away, regrets, unfulfilled potential. I first went to an AA meeting age 30, I am now 53!! It drives me mad how many years I have wasted and how many times I have gone back to the drinking life. I am trying (once again) not to dwell on this but focus on how much better I feel already and its only day 3. Its because I have hope. Take care.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Yeah seem here Julie, I think I'm on day 3 too, I dunno I forget what it is most days lol
Yeah I think it is when you just lying and you start contemplating your own life, it sometimes seems so surreal after all that's happened and the place you are at now.
I suppose if I was to look a little closer it wasn't all bad but sometimes it feels that way.
Well good luck Julie are you going to try AA again or you seeking an alternative?
If you ever want to chat feel free to write on one of my threads or send a message
,
Overall though I'm feeling much better. I suppose a positive way of looking at our situation is thinking let's not create more crap to dwell on lol
Yeah I think it is when you just lying and you start contemplating your own life, it sometimes seems so surreal after all that's happened and the place you are at now.
I suppose if I was to look a little closer it wasn't all bad but sometimes it feels that way.
Well good luck Julie are you going to try AA again or you seeking an alternative?
If you ever want to chat feel free to write on one of my threads or send a message
,Overall though I'm feeling much better. I suppose a positive way of looking at our situation is thinking let's not create more crap to dwell on lol
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
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Lonewolf, please be kind & patient with yourself. You're adjusting to a huge change in your life.
I still, at times, sabotage my happiness with negative & awful thoughts about the past. When we're quiet at night - or in the wee hours of the morning - it seems our thoughts often go there. Try to remember that you are not the person drinking turned you into. For me, I did out of character things I would never even consider when I'm sober. Shame & regret can serve a purpose, but we can't let it overtake us.
Proud of you for your 3 sober days - we know how hard it is early on.
I still, at times, sabotage my happiness with negative & awful thoughts about the past. When we're quiet at night - or in the wee hours of the morning - it seems our thoughts often go there. Try to remember that you are not the person drinking turned you into. For me, I did out of character things I would never even consider when I'm sober. Shame & regret can serve a purpose, but we can't let it overtake us.
Proud of you for your 3 sober days - we know how hard it is early on.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,965
I still beat myself up sometimes at night and in the morning. At 3 days I truly hated myself and all the crap I did drinking,relationships I ruined with drinking,ect.. were there in full force. It sucked and does suck,but nothing we can do except not be that person anymore and make amends when possible.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Originally Posted by Lonewolf22 
I was getting tired so decided to go up to bed and get some sleep. This happens quite frequently, as soon as I lay my head onto the pillow, my mind goes haywire.
I can't explain what it is, I know some of it is just cringe worthy moments that like to pop up and remind of past behaviour. Other thoughts are of my sadness for the times I ruined opportunities or of people I really cared for that broke all contact with me.
Of those people I invent conversations of them talking about how foolish they were to have trusted me or to have fell for me. I feel saddened by potentials that weren't reach. The what could of beens, the many what was I thinking moments. I imagine those that take me less seriously having mocking conversation of the things they witnessed me, an amusement to them. I imagine the emptiness and feebleness I'd feel if they happen to pass by me.
At the depth of it though is a sort of recognition of how surreal my existence is. Sort of anyway. As if all my actions are essentially futile, a frustration with doing the same things day in-day out; Maybe it's a fear of endings - death even! Like digging for pearls that don't dwell in the endless depths of sand.
I sound melodramatic here but just thought I'd write it anyway so it is off my chest.
I can't explain what it is, I know some of it is just cringe worthy moments that like to pop up and remind of past behaviour. Other thoughts are of my sadness for the times I ruined opportunities or of people I really cared for that broke all contact with me.
Of those people I invent conversations of them talking about how foolish they were to have trusted me or to have fell for me. I feel saddened by potentials that weren't reach. The what could of beens, the many what was I thinking moments. I imagine those that take me less seriously having mocking conversation of the things they witnessed me, an amusement to them. I imagine the emptiness and feebleness I'd feel if they happen to pass by me.
At the depth of it though is a sort of recognition of how surreal my existence is. Sort of anyway. As if all my actions are essentially futile, a frustration with doing the same things day in-day out; Maybe it's a fear of endings - death even! Like digging for pearls that don't dwell in the endless depths of sand.
I sound melodramatic here but just thought I'd write it anyway so it is off my chest.
Hello-
Goodness I am going through the same exact thing. I keep asking God to redirect my thinking.. I am really depressed over pretty much abandoning two jobs... Starting all over- not to mention all the friends that have "lost touch" . I keep dwelling on the past myself and all regrets from drinking.. Then I can rationalize hey nothing bad will happen I can have a few and boom a little more destruction. Anyhow I just wanted to let you know I can relate. I am excited for you for your decision to get Sober because new opportunities will present themselves for sure. We will not squander them and move forward and feel empowered. It is just going to take some time . I have to get sober or I am no use to anyone and my life is a big dishonest farce. You have helped me with your words of support... lifted my spirits . We will get through these rough patches. Damn they are to be expected Sober minds process thoughts and feelings , good and bad. I hope you get a good night's rest . Tomorrow is a new day
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Thank you for the supportive words and the reminders I think it will be a long time before I stop getting the flashbacks.
It's funny how we think, I woke up this morning thinking about a particular person whose feelings I hurt and probably scared too, luckily I never hurt them physically. I still feel the pain of hurting this person so badly. The frustrating thing was I hadn't drank for a year and I just ended going in a pub and getting so drunk so quickly and then the rest was a blackout.
I still feel devastated with it even though it was about 4 year ago.
I just really want to see this person and say how sorry I am I didn't mean to behave the way I did.
Like I was even thinking I wish I had a decent job or had won the lottery so I could just present that person with a good sum of money. I know in reality this is daft but just my thought process.
The truth is though, at this moment in time I'm not emotionally or financially stable to be there for anyone. All this is just fantasy and wishing and guilt and regret and horror.
I am just trying to flow with the thoughts and feelings though, instead of thinking I shouldn't feel like this I'm thinking well this is how I feel and it is to be expected. There are better days ahead much better days.
I think it will be a long time before I stop getting the flashbacks. It's funny how we think, I woke up this morning thinking about a particular person whose feelings I hurt and probably scared too, luckily I never hurt them physically. I still feel the pain of hurting this person so badly. The frustrating thing was I hadn't drank for a year and I just ended going in a pub and getting so drunk so quickly and then the rest was a blackout.
I still feel devastated with it even though it was about 4 year ago.
I just really want to see this person and say how sorry I am I didn't mean to behave the way I did.
Like I was even thinking I wish I had a decent job or had won the lottery so I could just present that person with a good sum of money. I know in reality this is daft but just my thought process.
The truth is though, at this moment in time I'm not emotionally or financially stable to be there for anyone. All this is just fantasy and wishing and guilt and regret and horror.
I am just trying to flow with the thoughts and feelings though, instead of thinking I shouldn't feel like this I'm thinking well this is how I feel and it is to be expected. There are better days ahead much better days.
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I just want to say I appreciate this site so much. I mean even when I was doing my 12 steps I wasn't able to get all the things off my mind that I regretted because they pop up in my head sporadically and other times they'll just fade into the background as pain and I'll forget about them.
And again thank you guys for the kind words. I honestly think having this site at hand every minute of the day is a massive help beyond even what I feel it to be but just off seeing the results since I arrived on here.
And again thank you guys for the kind words. I honestly think having this site at hand every minute of the day is a massive help beyond even what I feel it to be but just off seeing the results since I arrived on here.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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I was just laying there doing the same exact thing , also on day 3 lonewolf. Just reading this thread helped me some. In a way I feel like I need to sleep but I deserve to be kept awake by these thoughts. It's weird but that's how I feel sometimes. I'm glad you're still going strong and I hope you stick to it , because I really really want to as well. I'm here if you need someone to chat with.
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Originally Posted by Donnie34
I was just laying there doing the same exact thing , also on day 3 lonewolf. Just reading this thread helped me some. In a way I feel like I need to sleep but I deserve to be kept awake by these thoughts. It's weird but that's how I feel sometimes. I'm glad you're still going strong and I hope you stick to it , because I really really want to as well. I'm here if you need someone to chat with.
When I think about when I was in AA rehab you know I think it was probably just as much that I still felt vulnerable and too emotionally unsure of myself that it didn't work for me as much as the fact the program just wasn't for me.
In rehab I was required to go to meetings 5 nights a week and I was always around people. and in rehab the idea is that over the 3 month or so of doing the steps you will overcome these emotions and learn how to deal with them.
The thing is, looking back, that was never going to be the case for me. It just felt like I was trying to force my recovery when in fact it will be a slow process for me and any requirements of me just didn't allow me to heal as it was just another burden on top of what I already had.
I think once we start building a good life for ourselves new good memories will replace old ones and we can feel comfort in knowing we won't do anything like we did of our past.
Yes Donny I have no intention of giving up
I'm glad I went to town yesterday and got a few dvds for today now lol
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Morning Lonewolf. I hope today is better for you. I am feeling positive this morning but yesterday morning I just cried for hours. Once I posted on here I began to feel better, and was good by the time I went to bed. Stay strong, it will get better. I also have been lucky with my drinking. if I do it again something really bad could happen. I understand.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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come & join a few of us on the Mindfulness thread Lonewolf - you might find some of the techniques useful:
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Hello Everyone!
I am glad to hear people are feeling better today. I am on day 14. I really been hibernating though since it is so cold in New England. Way to cold to venture out. I am going stir crazy but its a safe place for me today.
I agree with building new memories to replace the bad ones. Process the past and come to terms that I don't want to repeat it. I do have to be kind to myself and realize while actively drinking I am a very sick woman. Try and forgive myself. Although my sober self is just plain horrified. I do try and remember feelings are not facts. Just because I believe that the whole world- or everyone in my world are constantly gossiping, talking, and thinking about me 2-4-7 . They are most likely worrying about themselves and their needs. This helps me to move on from trivial events. Or obsess about every move I make when I am insecure. Well I am so glad feelings are light today. I hope to continue this path of staying sober and will check in . This is my only life line at the moment. So I thank you for all the heartfelt posts and support. It is very nice I am not alone
I am glad to hear people are feeling better today. I am on day 14. I really been hibernating though since it is so cold in New England. Way to cold to venture out. I am going stir crazy but its a safe place for me today.
I agree with building new memories to replace the bad ones. Process the past and come to terms that I don't want to repeat it. I do have to be kind to myself and realize while actively drinking I am a very sick woman. Try and forgive myself. Although my sober self is just plain horrified. I do try and remember feelings are not facts. Just because I believe that the whole world- or everyone in my world are constantly gossiping, talking, and thinking about me 2-4-7 . They are most likely worrying about themselves and their needs. This helps me to move on from trivial events. Or obsess about every move I make when I am insecure. Well I am so glad feelings are light today. I hope to continue this path of staying sober and will check in . This is my only life line at the moment. So I thank you for all the heartfelt posts and support. It is very nice I am not alone
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