Ending a fling with an alcoholic and drug abuser - how do I go about it?
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
I think your first intuitive response was the best one.
Just tell him the truth.
Let the chips fall where they may.
It doesn't sound like you care much about any fallout if he goes public.
I'm a firm believer in honesty and accountability. The more people that know that you had a drinking/drugging problem and that you've now stopped, the more people you can't hide it from if you start drinking/drugging again.
Living with authenticity to me includes honesty whenever possible. To you it was a fling. To him it might be something more. You're not interested. He's a big boy, let him deal with it.
I suspect that there might be a bit more to this situation than just a fling that you want to end...otherwise you wouldn't be conflicted.
I might also very well be wrong!
Just tell him the truth.
Let the chips fall where they may.
It doesn't sound like you care much about any fallout if he goes public.
I'm a firm believer in honesty and accountability. The more people that know that you had a drinking/drugging problem and that you've now stopped, the more people you can't hide it from if you start drinking/drugging again.
Living with authenticity to me includes honesty whenever possible. To you it was a fling. To him it might be something more. You're not interested. He's a big boy, let him deal with it.
I suspect that there might be a bit more to this situation than just a fling that you want to end...otherwise you wouldn't be conflicted.
I might also very well be wrong!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
I don't think lying is appropriate.
However, if being honest means hurting his feelings with your words, I don't think that's appropriate either.
If you know he is unwilling to change, there is no point at all in saying something intentionally tough.
However, if being honest means hurting his feelings with your words, I don't think that's appropriate either.
If you know he is unwilling to change, there is no point at all in saying something intentionally tough.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
I was a little strong in trying to "covert" my drinking friends when I first
really saw how great sobriety was working in my life.
That's a common thing, I hear. . . but you know, it doesn't work.
People actually get defensive and angry more often than you'd think.
They perceive you as judging them, acting superior, even though that
isn't at all what you mean.
Sometimes, this leads to them under-mining your recovery by trying to tempt you,
or trash-talking you to other people so they feel better about their own party life.
Given that he already will be hurt that you don't return his "romantic" feelings,
I'd stay clear of saying too much like bim says.
My line might be something like: I'm going to really focus on school this last
term as I was being way too casual before, and to that I am planning on
no partying and not dating anyone seriously.
The road to your professional future is being paved right now.
That's a legitimate reason to focus on what will count in the long-term.
This guy, this job are blips on your radar, but you must endure them
for six more months. Best to do it as hassle-free as you can
really saw how great sobriety was working in my life.
That's a common thing, I hear. . . but you know, it doesn't work.
People actually get defensive and angry more often than you'd think.
They perceive you as judging them, acting superior, even though that
isn't at all what you mean.
Sometimes, this leads to them under-mining your recovery by trying to tempt you,
or trash-talking you to other people so they feel better about their own party life.
Given that he already will be hurt that you don't return his "romantic" feelings,
I'd stay clear of saying too much like bim says.
My line might be something like: I'm going to really focus on school this last
term as I was being way too casual before, and to that I am planning on
no partying and not dating anyone seriously.
The road to your professional future is being paved right now.
That's a legitimate reason to focus on what will count in the long-term.
This guy, this job are blips on your radar, but you must endure them
for six more months. Best to do it as hassle-free as you can
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by Anna
I don't think lying is appropriate.
However, if being honest means hurting his feelings with your words, I don't think that's appropriate either.
If you know he is unwilling to change, there is no point at all in saying something intentionally tough.
However, if being honest means hurting his feelings with your words, I don't think that's appropriate either.
If you know he is unwilling to change, there is no point at all in saying something intentionally tough.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by tiredwoman
deep down he will know the real reason and may even feel more hurt.
no one hurts my feelings unless i allow it to happen.
paralysis by analysis sucks.
keep it simple. the simpler ya keep it easier it will be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by neferkamichael
There may be know way out of hurting his feelings. If you think he might get violent when you finally dump him, do it with a text or over the phone. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
You can't control how he feels tw. . .
if such were possible, women would surely run the world
(which would be a good thing in my book
)
if such were possible, women would surely run the world
(which would be a good thing in my book
)Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by tomsteve
ya gonna go through the rest of your life concerned about peoples' feeling about truths?
no one hurts my feelings unless i allow it to happen.
paralysis by analysis sucks.
keep it simple. the simpler ya keep it easier it will be.
no one hurts my feelings unless i allow it to happen.
paralysis by analysis sucks.
keep it simple. the simpler ya keep it easier it will be.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sounds to me like you're wanting to focus on getting well and getting your final bit of study back on track. Do you owe him any more explanation than this. After all, this isn't a firm emotional commitment we're talking about. Its a secretive fling.
Chances are he might be a bit disappointed that this commitment free fun has come to an end, but quite frankly, isn't your future more important than whether or not he gets a bit pouty? If he was really serious about you would this even be a secretive thing?
You can be honest without telling him every thought that went through your brain about it. Just tell him how it is without feeling like you need to justify yourself.
BB
Chances are he might be a bit disappointed that this commitment free fun has come to an end, but quite frankly, isn't your future more important than whether or not he gets a bit pouty? If he was really serious about you would this even be a secretive thing?
You can be honest without telling him every thought that went through your brain about it. Just tell him how it is without feeling like you need to justify yourself.
BB
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
You said it was a casual fling. Therefore your sobriety is none of his business. His sobriety is none of your business. Not telling someone something that is none of their business is not a lie.
You don't want to go out with him any longer. You don't owe him an explanation. You can give him one if you want to, but there are likely to be unintended consequences. If you want to deal with them, have at it. I'm just trying to help you see what they might be.
Good Luck!
You don't want to go out with him any longer. You don't owe him an explanation. You can give him one if you want to, but there are likely to be unintended consequences. If you want to deal with them, have at it. I'm just trying to help you see what they might be.
Good Luck!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
One of the things I've learned in sobriety is honesty. A lit of the time throughout my lifenive felt the need to pretty up the truth, and in doing so dispensed with the truth and told find or lies instead. I know now that in my case this was fear fuelled behaviour which was very codependent in nature. Even if I didn't like someone else, I still made it my mission to ensure they liked me. Doesn't that sound bat poop crazy?! But I was so scared of disapproval and rejection, and I felt like if people didn't like what I said that is what I'd get.
It's still something I work on as part of my recovery. Two prayers I use on a daily basis are especially for this. One being the Do It Anyway prayer and another is a prayer for humility. I find that these really help me keep in mind what is most important to me - My integrity (which is the most important thing that I lost while I was drinking).
BB
It's still something I work on as part of my recovery. Two prayers I use on a daily basis are especially for this. One being the Do It Anyway prayer and another is a prayer for humility. I find that these really help me keep in mind what is most important to me - My integrity (which is the most important thing that I lost while I was drinking).
BB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
Completely agree with this. The truth is, you don't feel the same way about him that he does about you. Case closed. I'm a firm believer that the shortest distance between two points is the best one. If that makes any sense.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Sounds to me like you're wanting to focus on getting well and getting your final bit of study back on track. Do you owe him any more explanation than this. After all, this isn't a firm emotional commitment we're talking about. Its a secretive fling.
Chances are he might be a bit disappointed that this commitment free fun has come to an end, but quite frankly, isn't your future more important than whether or not he gets a bit pouty? If he was really serious about you would this even be a secretive thing?
You can be honest without telling him every thought that went through your brain about it. Just tell him how it is without feeling like you need to justify yourself.
BB
Chances are he might be a bit disappointed that this commitment free fun has come to an end, but quite frankly, isn't your future more important than whether or not he gets a bit pouty? If he was really serious about you would this even be a secretive thing?
You can be honest without telling him every thought that went through your brain about it. Just tell him how it is without feeling like you need to justify yourself.
BB
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Just skimmed through some replies, so this may have been covered already. Anyways...What's your honest feelings towards this guy? Just a fun college fling? Because...drinking or not your being gone has probably made him want more of a serious commitment. That whole absence,heart thing..but, if you're not feeling it, just tell him your not. No need to even talk about booze/drugs. A simple; "I just want to focus on myself." will do. I wouldn't even add "for now/ the time being." to it, as that leaves false hope for him. Ending any type of relationship sucks for both sides,but it's the way you/they handle it that shows who we/they are as a person.
p.s.....proud of you for your sober time! Don't feel too rushed to 'right everything at once.' Slow and steady in all matters of early sobriety was a big thing for me.
p.s.....proud of you for your sober time! Don't feel too rushed to 'right everything at once.' Slow and steady in all matters of early sobriety was a big thing for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: South Africa, Durban/Cape Town
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by DontRemember
Just skimmed through some replies, so this may have been covered already. Anyways...What's your honest feelings towards this guy? Just a fun college fling? Because...drinking or not your being gone has probably made him want more of a serious commitment. That whole absence,heart thing..but, if you're not feeling it, just tell him your not. No need to even talk about booze/drugs. A simple; "I just want to focus on myself." will do. I wouldn't even add "for now/ the time being." to it, as that leaves false hope for him. Ending any type of relationship sucks for both sides,but it's the way you/they handle it that shows who we/they are as a person.
p.s.....proud of you for your sober time! Don't feel too rushed to 'right everything at once.' Slow and steady in all matters of early sobriety was a big thing for me.
p.s.....proud of you for your sober time! Don't feel too rushed to 'right everything at once.' Slow and steady in all matters of early sobriety was a big thing for me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I think this is more about you. Focusing on your recovery is number one. That is all that needs to be said. "I need to focus on my sobriety and my education as my grades slipped last year. Ive got a lot of work to do internally and a relationship with anyone other than myself is not an option right now."
That being said, recovery in the beginning is a lot of hard work. A LOT.
I dont see it as lying to him. Somethings are better left unsaid and people have to come to their own conclusions about themselves in regards to being alcoholic/ drug addict. Ive been walking down this same road of "truth" in relationships for awhile now. Its tough tough work and doesnt really go over well.
That being said, recovery in the beginning is a lot of hard work. A LOT.
I dont see it as lying to him. Somethings are better left unsaid and people have to come to their own conclusions about themselves in regards to being alcoholic/ drug addict. Ive been walking down this same road of "truth" in relationships for awhile now. Its tough tough work and doesnt really go over well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by tiredwoman
For me it's just a fun fling. We hooked up when we first started partying together afer I got the job at the restaurant. We realised we both had a love for partying and booze.
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