Sobriety2018

Today is 25 days sober for me. My husband brought up going out tonight. I told him I have no desire to sit at a bar if Im not drinking..which is true. I do have to admit that after we talked about it, i did think that maybe I could go and have a few beers..then i thought back to the terrible withdraws ive had. Not really sure what to do if he wants to go out. Is this fair to him? I know he wants to spend time with me..a bar does not sound appealing these days.

Red78

such a hard one.. Depends if you can sit in a bar and drink soft drink? Not the same though is it, plus it's a threat to your sobriety. Is there another activity you can both do together that doesn't involve drinking?
I feel for you cause I'm in the same boat as you with my partner..

MindfulMan

Your absolutely #1 priority needs to be your sobriety right now.

The fact that you're thinking "maybe I could go have and have a few beers" despite terrible consequences is VERY dangerous.

I think everyone in recovery needs to take drinking a drop of booze, ever, completely off the table. And don't mess with that. Ever.

That's Rule #1 through Rule #1M.

Honestly, what good reason would there be to go to a bar at 25 days sober?

DreamCatcher17

Are there other things you can do together besides going to a bar?
Coffee Shop
Movie
Book store
A walk
The gym
An art show
The list is endless...

If you're not comfortable don't go, but I wouldn't stop him from going either.

Sobriety2018

You guys are right. No good to go to a bar 25 days sober..and we do need to find other things to do together. I thought about this tonight..been together 6 yrs and we have never done any of those suggestions..no movies (just us), no walks, no coffee shops (except starbucks to go)..i asked him what we really had in common..he sat for a few min..he said we liked movies and the same shows..and we drank..gosh..kind of makes me sad. I think i can go to a bar and not drink. However, Im not sure that atmosphere would be enjoyable for me right now. I have seen him drink several times the last 25 days. Though not as much because he said im not. I Guess thats a plus.

theVman31

If your an alcoholic dont go sit at a bar.
There are other options.
Restaurant ?

Forward12

I also agree going to a bar would not be a good idea. Also if just going out and drinking is all you've done in the past together, it will be a nice change for the relationship to do new activities that don't involve just sitting around at a bar.

JustTony

Have you told him you're an alcoholic?

If you have then I am at a loss to understand his suggestion of going to a bar? If you haven't then don't you think that you should? I'm not judging - I'm genuinely puzzled.

Steer clear of bars for a very long time.

Regards,

JT

Berrybean

Sounds like your AV is at work here. Drumming up a bit of 'poor me, poor me, pour me a drink'. You and your husband no doubt have loads of stuff in common. And if you stay sober and learn who you are underneath all the drinking, and discover what you like doing, then all the more opportunity to have new things in common. People grow. And they grow together over time. And you will. But maybe it's not gonna have happened at 25 days. This is early recovery and not a reflection of what long term recovery will look or feel like.

Is it more important to go to bar because he feels like it, or stay at home because your sobriety is at stake? You 'think' you can go to a bar and not drink (at this moment), yet how many minutes before that thought did you 'think' you could you to a bar and maybe just have a couple of beers. I really, really think the bar is a bad idea. If you go wandering into barber shops you're likely to find yourself getting a haircut! If he really wants to go to the bar then send him to the bar and get on with something else for a few hours. Maybe find a meeting to go to if you feel the need to get out. It wouldn't be a bad idea anyway if your AV is upping the anti.

Its really important to learn to recognise the AV bullpoop as it wafts around our head. This is stuff that just comes from our addiction. Often just outrageous lies that seem quite plausible at the time. Mine used to come out with some crackers. But the main thing they all have in common is that ultimately they tell us it would be okay or a good idea to take a drink, or that staying sober is a bad idea. We can't shut that voicebup but we dont have to act on it, and the longer you go without a drink the more started and weak that voice gets, until eventually you'll barely hear it at all. You take a couple of beers now, it'll be like feeding the beast and u'll be back to full force tomorrow. Please don't even consider it.

The fact that your hubby has cut down on booze and you're able to have these conversations speaks volumes of positivity about your relationship. Don't knock him and get all negative about the relationship because he doesn't know what you want to do to be willing to do it with ya, when likelihood is, even you don't know that stuff yet. Yes, it's scary when we start questioning this stuff, but one day at a time tends to work fine.

What about bowling. Or a funfair . Or cheering a team of some kind on together at a sporting event, just for the chance to scream your heads off together? Or a bike ride? Or a beach walk?

What did you like doing before you discovered alcohol?

BB

PurpleKnight

Day 25 is fantastic!!

The social universe doesn't revolve around bars and places that serve alcohol, there's a whole wide world out there, plenty of excitement and adventure to be had without needing to have a glass in your hand!!

Dee74

what did you end up doing sobriety2018?
D

Dropsie

I was also thinking bowling, but BerryB beat me to it!

Sobriety2018

Dee,
We ended up staying home...he drabk Coronas and i wrapped gifts. The odd thing is, i think me not drinking may bother him...he asked tonight if we go to a friends new yrs am i not drinking? I said, " no im not. Why does that bother you." he said it didnt..but i think it may. I dont want to be a slave to alcohol for the rest of my life. Isnt that a good thing?

mrrryahj

Sounds like trouble to me. I don't know your husband but in my personal experience the only people in my life who had a problem not drinking around me after I sobered up, and who weren't genuinely happy I was changing my life, are the people who were struggling with drinking themselves. Do you think that is a possibility? Or are you 100% sure he is a "normie"?

It takes time and effort to develop new hobbies in sobriety but the possibilities are endless! Meetings for one, and the fellowship that goes along with that - meeting new people who are sober. Exploring new restaurants (for the pure experience of finding good food - plus a cheaper bill with no booze!!) Going to the movies, joining a fitness class or your local gym, trying out yoga. Reading!!! Both for enjoyment and/or for learning and self-help. Getting into the "tea" scene - finding what you like - there are tons of high end loose leaf teas and you wouldn't believe the flavours if you go to a tea store. Get some nice bubble bath products and candles to relax in the evening. Just a few suggestions - there is so much more! Explore and you will find!!

Sobriety2018

Oh no I for sure think he drinks to frequently..now he does not binge drink like i always have..but still..i cant change or control what he does..although i wish i could. I love green tea! I actually had one yesterday from Starbucks. I have a gym membership I should start using..yoga would be a great option for me. I know my go to has always been booze for stress.Ialso love trying new restaurants as well . I have gained 3 lb. Maybe from eating out more lately?! That puzzles me! Seems i would lose weight because im not drinking thousands of calories weekly. I am learning though one day at a time! Thank you for your suggestions!Living life sober is so different..but so far its not too bad! Went to dinner with my family tonight. We sat at the bar before being seated. I drank iced tea. ��

mrrryahj

I forgot to mention spending time here on SR! Great new hobby

Glad you made it through the experience! Although there is a saying, if you hang around a barbershop for too long, you might eventually get a haircut.

Sounds like you have some great new ideas to explore! I hope you come and share them with us all!

Berrybean

Any change can take a while to get used to. He might be very pleased to see you sober but just be watching and waiting to see how this will pan out.

He'll get used to it. Give him time.

Merry Christmas.

BB

Dee74

I think we can underestimate the change for our loved ones. We know why we're doing this but they may not completely understand - they may feel a little bewildered - do they need to change too and stop drinking as well? will sober you be a different person? will your relationshiop change?

Time usually works all these, and all similar questions, out - so give him and yourself a little time )

D