LoneWolf04

Hi All,

I am wondering what you lovely people think through your own experiences of not getting caught up in romantic relationships in early recovery (first year some say). I am currently going through a bit of a rough patch and my resolve is a little low. As a result, I kind of start seeking that romantic comfort but stop myself from taking it too far.. I know early recovery on its own is a bad enough emotional roller coaster..

August252015

Glad you posted. I have two answers to this, based on my own experience.

Don't know if you are in AA but the Big Book talks about how are are prone to "foolish decisions" and actions that we later come to handle intuitively things that used to baffle us.

I too was feeling a little restless and maybe like I was ready for a relationship, about three-four months, when I started to become friends with someone in my home group. With 20+ years of sobriety. I talked to my sponsor and then listed out what I thought God WOULD want for me- and what he would NOT, with specifics about the gent. That made it clear that he was someone I'd be foolish to get involved with.

That said, I reconnected with my now fiance, about 5 mo sober (he was only one). He was my high school sweetheart and contacted me out of the blue. Long and pretty amazing story cut short- I talked with my sponsor, prayed about it, took it slowly and it has become a whole new part of life in recovery. I know this is very rare- it is also the only scenario in which I could have justified- made a good decision- about dating early in sobriety.

He gave me space to keep healing and I him, and we are blessed to know early on that this was the real deal. Also, I have been committed throughout that my recovery comes FIRST. Him, our new family (he has teenagers), EVERYTHING else comes after that. So, i think that is a good litmus test of getting into a relationship - and I just didn't have room for casual dating.

Some stick hard and fast to the one year "rule" - but it is not an AA "rule" - it's a people in AA rule - and frankly, how much more capable will you magically be on day 366 than you were on 364?

Just my thoughts. Being careful in all areas has been a successful route for me so far.

tnek97

Over the past year of sobriety, I've really begun to evolve into a different person, with new ideas of what is fun, exciting, interesting, etc. There is a lot of self-discovery that comes with climbing out from under the blanket of booze, and it is ongoing.

I don't think I would want to get into a relationship with someone early on, when I was still finding out who I was. You're going to change, potentially a lot, and who you may find romantically interesting today, could be very different several months from now. I've decided to focus on rediscovering myself, and new interests, rather than dating.

Lava256

Hi Lonewolf.

From your post it is unclear whether you have already met someone you like or if you are thinking of looking. If it's the latter then perhaps putting the brakes on might be better. I imagine there's a lot of work you are doing to stay sober and I don't think 'searching for a partner' makes a good addition to your sobriety plan. If anything, it could distract you from what should be your main focus.

If you have already met someone, then that's a different story. I can't advise you much on that but, I guess, like August said, if you ensure that your sobriety stays number one in your mind, the extra support can't hurt. Especially if it's good support; not someone just dragging you down.

All the best.

Zanna

I think relationships when you're vulnerable for ANY reason, are a bad idea.

LoneWolf04

Thank you all for the replies! My situation is a bit different.. my other half decided to move out after a dismal period we had.. obviously my drinking problem was the no. 1 issue which led to this, but we were having other problems as well. So it is kind of a temporary solution with a kind of ultimatum she gave me that I need to solve this problem (and then maybe we can get back together kind of thing)... I don't know whether it will work out, so I am trying to let go and focusing on the sobriety.... its easier some days, but being alone can take it toll as well.

HTown

Well it is an individual journey. It is a hard journey. You must want sobriety for yourself not for an external reward. I did that, with a goal in mind and I was pissed off and angry all the time at my ex when she did not hold up her end of the bargain. 1.5 years later I was drinking again and she is my EX.

This time,I wanted to quit for me. The shame, the guilt, the tired of being tired. I was ready. I am not angry. I am not resentful. I am so very grateful.

I am not going to actively seek a partner. I have screwed up a lot of lives in the past. While still young, I will not turn love down if it comes knocking like august had happen, but I won.t be on Match either.

sobersolstice

I've had many breakups due to my drinking, and many a relapse due to a bad date or breakup. I've also had a divorce due to drinking, but that was when I was actively drinking, then post-divorce, it pretty much put me in the hospital.

Most dates I've been on involve alcohol, so it would be weird to do something sober on a date. I've been on a couple dates sober that didn't work out, and I went straight back to the bottle. I was like, If no one likes me, at least my beer does.

I've turned 40, but still look and feel 24; no idea where the time went...

I like wild party type girls, so I generally prefer younger, plus, if I date someone my own age, people think they're my mom lol.

I feel like for me, it's either drinking and dating, or single and sober.
If I went on a date with a drinker, my chances of drinking are close to 100%... it's weird; I'm almost waiting for that situation, but I'm being a recluse shut-in to avoid that scenario. Are there 'sober dating clubs'? I've never looked into it.

I'll probably save some money for a plot of land in Montana, or Alaska; disconnect from the internet, and build a cabin and have a couple dogs. I will hunt and fish for food, and live a subsistence living alone until I die. I used to think this way a lot when I was drinking too much to force myself away from drinking due to zero access, but now I'm doing it to maintain my sobriety. I'm just wondering if being alone with animals will be as satisfying as living in a community. I'll miss my friends...

LoneWolf04

I'm starting to think that I am that way too.. I can't do both. I only just began going to AA.. literally only went to one meeting. So that might change things (for instance, having new sober friends). In reality, I began drinking at a young age partly to be able to chat with girls etc. at social settings... a lot of good that did me

Other than that... I suppose I'm feeling insecure about what to expect, and my coping skills now that I am alone are a bit shaky. Need to adapt to living alone, with the thought that my relationship might not work out, and on top of that maintain sobriety long term and of course..

HTown

Yes, first things first. Get yourself together, and the rest should follow.

sobersolstice

I re-read my post, and realized that it was a bit dark. A few things about me are that I was forced to drink by my grandma at age 8, followed by my parents (one actress, and my father, a writer), so alcohol was literally in me from the womb. I also lived in a violent household as a kid, so my memories of childhood are mainly hallucinations of rainbows and monsters on the walls closing in on me from every direction. I could never sleep at night without a light on. I still sleep with my lights on full blast. So, my life has been very much like Christopher McCandless in Into The Wild. I'm very much more experienced due to living in my truck for 12 years, but it's a similar story, cept my parents are broke now, and I work my butt off to pay their rent.

Taking a rational perspective outside of myself looking at how I 'should' perceive things on a dating platform, I should find someone who drinks very little (I can handle that), and really enjoys healthy activities. I really do feel 1000x better when I am an athlete vs. being a drunk. I was somehow able to pull off both when I was younger, but those days are over, and I definitely backed off a good bit for National and International competition.

Sorry. I woke up a little down and hopeless with this exact thought regarding relationships, but I have CTE from multiple concussions, so my mental states are extreme.

I think getting back in good shape (for myself), and someone who appreciates you for who you are are important... drinking or not. I've found that drinking too much all the time is repulsive to even other alcoholics, because it perpetuates the cycle until it's no longer viable. So, ultimately, being sober and working on yourself are attributes I think are attractive to others, but that flush of good feelings you get from that can induce an urge to drink. You know what? Now that I think about it, many things trigger my AV, it's just that relationships are a bit more tricky to deal with.

SportsFan15

For me personally, the last sentence of the OP post is so true ....early recovery is "so much of an emotional rollercoaster." I personally know I'm too likely to get confused, emotionally distraught, and potentially messed up by romantic relationships in early sobriety. My thinking hasn't healed enough....or maybe a better way of saying it is my thinking is still off the train tracks. The more I work my plan and get more sober time, the more clear my thinking, more forgiving and loving I am. If for no other reason, I simply can't give to a romantic partner right now and don't think it's fair to them either. Again, these are just my thoughts and decision is always yours. All the Best!

Dee74

I was one hot mess when I quit. I'm glad I didn't inflict myself on anyone then.

I think any relationship where you're looking for someone to help, fix or complete you is probably not one built on a good foundation, or likely to last.

It is lonely getting and staying sober if you're single but I think that was a symptom of my problem - I'd do anything to fill the silence that terrified me - I'd never spent any real time in my own company without being high or drunk.

I used the time to work on myself so that when someone did come along I had a way better 'me' to offer them - & I was way more capable of dealing with the ups and down that every relationship has, without wanting to run to the fridge for a drink too.

So yeah - my advice is wait.

D

LoneWolf04

Thank you Dee. You hit on two points which I needed to hear:

Getting into a relationship to fix or complete me - I got into this relationship three and a half years ago with an alcohol problem. I guess part of me said I'll just roll with it cause at least I wont be alone...

Terrified by the silence. Thats exactly what I am experiencing. Living alone in a big apartment.. that silence really creeps up and sometimes I just drink to get through the evenings. I have this thing lately where I go to bed, play something (like a documentary etc) on youtube on my phone and have that background noise help me sleep.. heh.

I plan to just immerse myself in the AA meetings. I only went once, over a month ago. Was good, but since then been having apprehension about going again.. don't really know why. I know it will help. I guess I am just clinging on to myself old self. Part of it is like, if I completely let go.. what's left of me really?

Dee74

I had that fear too - but it's like, when you make the leap, you find more of yourself - stuff you've forgotten about who the real you is - rather than losing anything.

face the fear and do it anyway

D

Bunny211

I stayed away for 18 months and I am SO glad I did. I have seen relationships take out so many people early in recovery. My experience is to work on yourself and becoming a whole person with contented sobriety......then look into dating.

MindfulMan

There are a number of reasons to avoid relationships in early recovery. I thought it was a stupid rule until I talked to my counselor and my IOP group.

In early sobriety, you are a raw nerve, and very vulnerable to emotional upset and people that don't have your best interest at heart. This could easily lead to relapse.

If you date someone who is not sober, the triggers are obvious. Also they might be worried that you'll relapse, putting horrible pressure on you, particularly in early recovery.

If you date someone from AA, you may be in a fishbowl and everyone will know about it. That bothers some people, but not others. A good friend of mine who's been sober for over 10 years from a horrible cocaine and oxycontin habit refused to date within the program for that reason. She married a normie and they're expecting a second child. He drinks very rarely, but does drink, and alcohol was never her thing. BUT this may be an issue in early recovery.

If you do date a sober person, what happens if they relapse? Can you maintain sobriety through that, or a breakup?

If you date someone in the program, particularly from your home group and break up, it can get very awkward. This can easily trigger a case of the to-hell-with its.

I kept looking for a loophole, especially since my libido, dormant for years while I was drinking heavily, exploded when I got sober. But I decided not to risk it. I'm six months in, at this point if I met someone I'd be tempted, but would probably hold off for a bit. Maybe not the full year, but certainly for at least a few months. I think I'll know when I'm ready.