Akasha

Just wanted to let yall know I made it through the first night. Beyond exhausted. Embarrassed. Just wanna sleep and die in my sleep. I truly hate myself. Haven't gotten new stuff. Physically don't have to strength to draw money. This is not fun.

FreeOwl

hang in there.

stay clean and sober.

reach out for help.

it gets better!

ChloeRose63

Glad you are with us. Stay close and keep posting. Things will get better. Hang in there! We are here for you.

Meraviglioso

thanks for checking in. I am so glad to read that you got through that first night. that is a huge step in the right direction. Huge. I relate so much to all the feelings of self-hate and self-loathing embarrassment and all the other negative emotional stuff. Now I know for me there is a lot of stuff under the surface that is very real and needs to be worked on and addressed, however, everything is magnified by 1000 when I am drunk or recovering. In addition there is just new crap that is thrown in that really isn't there when I am sober. I am not telling you that staying clean means everything is going to be unicorns and roses, but it IS going to be better than it is now. Keep your head on straight through this. Think about this very rationally and medically/scientifically. Your body is cleaning itself out, everything you are feeling is normal and is just the way it is when getting clean. There is NO way around it, you have to go straight through it. Remember, you use and you are back to square one and have to go through exactly what you just went through, again. If you keep pushing ahead you will get past this and can start to work on building a sober life again.

Did you get any rest at all? Have you been able to eat? I generally like to encourage getting out for a walk- some fresh air and exercise, but maybe today it is good if you stay in and rest and don't get near any atms where you can get more cash. You know what is best though.

Meraviglioso

I've got some friend arriving soon to come pick some persimmons, I have two huge persimmon tress in my yard and those things explode with fruit each fall. We'll probably have coffee and hang out a bit too. The guy is a recovering alcoholic/coke addict, I was glad to have met him. The woman is the mother of one of my son's classmates. I feel like all the other moms there are so on top of it and good and would probably judge me if they knew about my problem. I can't remember exactly how me and this other mom connected, I think it was at a birthday part for one of the classmates, she asked me if I wanted a glass of prosecco and I said no, I don't drink. Her boyfriend heard me and mentioned something about not drinking too and we just sort of opened up. Anyway, we don't socialise too much but they are coming today to get some of this fruit. I then am going to go get my kids from their father and take them to this village up the hill from me that is having a chestnut festival. There is music and stuff for the kids to do. I just go for the food. Tons of roasted chestnuts obviously but also this kind of crepe like thing they make with chestnut flour, stuffed with fresh ricotta- delicious. I am really happy to be sober and be able to do even these simple things. When I was drinking I could not manage to do anything, anything at all. It was insane.
Anyway, i am rambling. I just want to say I'll be away for a while but will check back in later.

I want to post a song for you. It is where I got my user name from. It is an old Italian song, from the late 60's. I'll include the translation of the lyrics. You might not be in the mood for hope right now, I understand that, but I still hope the best for you.



E vero, credetemi è accaduto/ it's true, believe me, it happened
di notte su di un ponte/ one night on a bridge
guardando l'acqua scura/ while i was looking at the dark waters
con la dannata voglia/ feeling the damned impulse
di fare un tuffo giù uh/ to dive into them
D'un tratto qualcuno alle mie spalle/ suddenly someone behind me
forse un angelo/ perchance an angel
vestito da passante/ disguised as a passer-by
mi portò via dicendomi/ took me away saying
Così: Meraviglioso/this: wonderful
ma come non ti accorgi/ can't you see
di quanto il mondo sia/ how the world is
meraviglioso/ wonderful
Meraviglioso/ wonderful
perfino il tuo dolore/ even your sorrow
potrà guarire poi/ could heal someday
meraviglioso/ wonderful
Ma guarda intorno a te/ take a look around you
che doni ti hanno fatto:/ at all the gifts they offered you
ti hanno inventato il mare eh/ they invented the sea for you
Tu dici non ho niente/ you say you have nothing
Ti sembra niente il sole!/ does the sun seem nothing to you
La vita,l'amore/ and what about life, love
meraviglioso/ wonderful
il bene di una donna/ the love of a woman
che ama solo te/ who loves only you
meraviglioso/ wonderful
La luce di un mattino/ the light of the morning
labbraccio di un amico/ the hug of a friend
il viso di un bambino/ the face of a child
meraviglioso/ wonderful
meraviglioso/ wonderful
Ma guarda intorno a te/ take a look around you
che doni ti hanno fatto:/ at all the gifts they offered you
ti hanno inventato il mare eh/ they invented the sea for you
Tu dici non ho niente/ you say you have nothing
Ti sembra niente il sole!/ does the sun seem nothing to you
La vita,l'amore/ and what about life, love
meraviglioso/ wonderful
La notte era finita/ the night was over
e ti sentivo ancora/ and i could still feel you
Sapore della vita/ taste of life
meraviglioso/ wonderful

Akasha

Hey virtual sister. Thanks for all the care. Omgosh can barely keep my eyes open long enough to smoke a cigarette. Can barely move. I've been been eating everything. Forgotten about this thing called a stomach. Been thinking hard about tapering when I'm awake. Think I should rather do it like that???

Meraviglioso

Good you are eating, try to get some healthy stuff in there too. I have been sick lately so smoking is actually painful. I m thinking of finally trying to get rid of that too. We'll see. I know I eventually need to quit, but I am not going to go crazy over it. If I can stay away from the alcohol that is the most important thing.

You are INSANE if you think you can taper this. Do not go there. Do not. That is your addiction talking to you and if you think about it with your brain you will realise that. It is very clear you are a smart person, I know you can stop for a minute and think this through. Tapering=NO. Just stop even considering that. NO.

Meraviglioso

How is it going Akasha? My friends just came by, we had a nice visit. They are probably going to the chestnut festival too. It's a tiny area we live in so not much else to do really, though there is a bigger town nearby.
I need to get some decent clothes on and put on some makeup then will go get my kids and head up the hill.
I hope you stay strong, I know you can do this and I am so proud of the progress you have made. You are really inspiring.
I'll check back into SR later, I hope to see that you are pushing through. Hang in there. This is going to get better if you keep staying strong.

Meraviglioso

Chestnut festival cancellation at the last minute. My children's father decided to take them. Better, I am not feeling 100%. I'm getting ready to call for a pizza and watch a movie. I hope you are doing ok and getting some rest. Check in here to keep yourself in check. We all want to see you succeed. Big hugs to you.

Hats

Glad to hear you made it through last night. I was nice chatting with you

Dee74

I'm glad you're here with us Akasha

D

loud430

<3

Delilah1

Glad you are here, it gets easier each day.��

Meraviglioso

Hey Akasha, how are you doing?

Meraviglioso

Morning Akasha, just wanted to say hi. Update us if you get a chance.