need a little boost
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
need a little boost
I'm struggling right now, my friends... I need a little help, here. I am feeling overwhelmed with sadness for the ways I have hurt myself and the people I love... for the horrible way I've treated this gift of a body that I have... for disappointing my friends and family so many times. I'm back on day 2 again, and I want this - I need this - to be the last day 2 I ever have. This time when I slipped I didn't drink very much at all, but I did become suicidal, and that scared me. I pulled through, thank God, but it was too close for comfort. I have happiness inside me, I have joy, and I have been getting better and better the more sober days I put together... so the blackness that overcame me really took me by surprise. Alcohol really is a demon of sorts, and it wants me to die. I don't want to die. I want to live! I am just so incredibly sad right now... I need to know I'm not alone. I hope someone out there has some good words for me.
My plan? Straight to a meeting after work. I am going to ask someone to be my temporary sponsor until I can find a longterm one.
Thank you guys for being there for me.
--anne
My plan? Straight to a meeting after work. I am going to ask someone to be my temporary sponsor until I can find a longterm one.
Thank you guys for being there for me.
--anne
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: somewhere
Posts: 3,384
((((Anne))))) You are not alone. You have people right by your side helping you along the journey. You picked yourself back up and that is what matters. Going to a meeting after work is a great idea. I can tell by your words that you are very determined to overcome alcohol. You have what it takes to make it! Keep on keeping on and let us know how the meeting goes. You are in my throughts and prayers. I'm right by your side. 
Love and hugs,
Hope
Love and hugs,
Hope
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Good morning, darlin'. This thing is a major struggle, everyday. You CAN do it. And you are not alone. Like Hope said, we are all here with you. Hang in there. You have a good plan--stick to it and you will succeed. If I can do it, so can you.
Love and hugs--
Love and hugs--
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Anne, I am proud of you for seeing so clearly what is going on and what you need to do about it. Relapses are scarey and terrible and can cause such overwhelming mental and emotional anguish. You are worth it. Keep going to meetings and reach out. One day at a time, eh?
jojo
jojo
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Hi Anne - I am a codependent wife of an AH, and I can tell you that the people you love and are so disappointed you hurt, can forgive you - and want to forgive you. The harder part, I can guess, is forgiving yourself. You sound like you are trying so hard to be committed to sobriety, and speaking for myself, that's all I want from my AH. I have forgiven him for all his past transgressions and I know he is a separate entity than his disease, and I will ALWAYS love him. I guess the reason I write this is, that being on the other side of this disease - I don't want you to become overwhelmed with sadness or guilt or shame because of people you hurt - the best thing you can do for them is to get sober and forgive yourself, chances are that they have already forgiven you and love you regardless. No dammage is irrepairable - no bridge can not be built again. Hang in there sweetie!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by quercusalba
I need to know I'm not alone. I hope someone out there has some good words for me.
I'm having some rough days as well, emotionaly.
And yesterday, I reached out to the people here. Among the many encouraging words written, one real wise dude wrote this...
not that feeling blue or overwhelmed are my favorite feelings on the menu, but they are a part of the "complete range of human emotions" and as such part of the basic "food" groups. Some wisdom they gave me early on applies as well today. When I said "what am I supposed to do with these feelings?" the wise ones told me "Feel them."
Sooner owned and felt, sooner cycled through and replaced by the next venue on the menu.
Sooner owned and felt, sooner cycled through and replaced by the next venue on the menu.
That's a good plan you have for today.
Welcome back Anne.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: The Mohave Desert
Posts: 2,306
Anne
Welcome back, I recently read that "Addiction is the disease of self-hatred"
I had to hug myself a little tighter.
Your words are so beautifully written, but I certainly feel the pain in them, as they have been my own words on more than one occasion. In fact I do not even want to try and figure out an accurate number of how many times i have failed at managing to stay sober.
That is why it is so important that we stay in the moment and practice just being here right now.
It is good that you realize that the alcohol can make you feel suicidal, I know without a doubt that during my latter days of drinking my suicide attempts were highly influenced by copious amounts of booze.
It seems once we become addicts it is nearly impossible for most of us to ever drink again normally. I have tested this theory a thousand times, probably more. Each day I have to plant the thought firmly into my stubborn brain that
" I am no longer testing alcohol, the evidence show that it is 100% bad for me."
You are not alone my friend
Welcome back, I recently read that "Addiction is the disease of self-hatred"
I had to hug myself a little tighter.
Your words are so beautifully written, but I certainly feel the pain in them, as they have been my own words on more than one occasion. In fact I do not even want to try and figure out an accurate number of how many times i have failed at managing to stay sober.
That is why it is so important that we stay in the moment and practice just being here right now.
It is good that you realize that the alcohol can make you feel suicidal, I know without a doubt that during my latter days of drinking my suicide attempts were highly influenced by copious amounts of booze.
It seems once we become addicts it is nearly impossible for most of us to ever drink again normally. I have tested this theory a thousand times, probably more. Each day I have to plant the thought firmly into my stubborn brain that
" I am no longer testing alcohol, the evidence show that it is 100% bad for me."
You are not alone my friend
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there Q :-)
I know that feeling well. You will be able to overcome those feelings, you will be able to make ammends to all those people. You will be able to make appropriate restitutions to them. In some cases, those people will respond with great love and become life long friends. I know this because it has happened to me. It will happen for you as well.
You're not alone Q. We're all here for ya. I'm praying for you right now. There's a whole room full of people waiting for you at your meeting tonite.
Excellent plan. Get phone numbers. Get a Big Book, get the "12 & 12". When you get back from the meeting read the books. Read them late into the night until you fall asleep. If you wake up in the middle of the night read some more. Fill your mind with the program so there is no room for anything else to fit. Tomorrow you should call the people who gave you phone numbers. Call you temporary sponsor. Goto another meeting tomorrow night.
There, that will keep you sober a whole day. Just do that. Just focus on just one day and you will be fine.
Praying for you Q
Mike :-)
Originally Posted by quercusalba
... I am feeling overwhelmed with sadness for the ways I have hurt myself and the people I love...
Originally Posted by quercusalba
... .. I need to know I'm not alone. ...
Originally Posted by quercusalba
... My plan? Straight to a meeting after work. I am going to ask someone to be my temporary sponsor until I can find a longterm one.
There, that will keep you sober a whole day. Just do that. Just focus on just one day and you will be fine.
Praying for you Q
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
Posts: 7
Dear Anne:
One of the biggest obstacles to my recovery was what one of my fellow patients in rehab described as my a$$-kicking machine. I did the same thing as you in early recovery; I beat myself up for all the ugliness in my past. As addicts, we are driven to cover up these bad feelings, so when they hit us full force when we are newly sober, many of us fly right back to the demon to squash those feelings. For me, I had to let go of the regret and work through the grief I had over my life to have any hope of staying clean. I worked through the grief using group therapy, one-on-one therapy, the rooms of NA, and daily contact with and mediation on my Higher Power.
You are beautiful, good, and worthy of forgiveness; you are only unfortunate to have been born with a progressive and potentially fatal disease. Those that truly love you will seek to understand and forgive you and their respect for you will blossom when they see you have put your disease in remission through hard work and spiritual healing. Furthermore, our bodies are amazing machines and the healing will begin as soon as you stop feeding your body the poison. Your body and mind will recover. The best way to repair the attitudes others have toward you and especially the attitude you have toward yourself is to LIVE WELL. God bless you and help you in your journey toward that goal.
One of the biggest obstacles to my recovery was what one of my fellow patients in rehab described as my a$$-kicking machine. I did the same thing as you in early recovery; I beat myself up for all the ugliness in my past. As addicts, we are driven to cover up these bad feelings, so when they hit us full force when we are newly sober, many of us fly right back to the demon to squash those feelings. For me, I had to let go of the regret and work through the grief I had over my life to have any hope of staying clean. I worked through the grief using group therapy, one-on-one therapy, the rooms of NA, and daily contact with and mediation on my Higher Power.
You are beautiful, good, and worthy of forgiveness; you are only unfortunate to have been born with a progressive and potentially fatal disease. Those that truly love you will seek to understand and forgive you and their respect for you will blossom when they see you have put your disease in remission through hard work and spiritual healing. Furthermore, our bodies are amazing machines and the healing will begin as soon as you stop feeding your body the poison. Your body and mind will recover. The best way to repair the attitudes others have toward you and especially the attitude you have toward yourself is to LIVE WELL. God bless you and help you in your journey toward that goal.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Martinsburg, WV
Posts: 15
You will make it
Anne,
Many of your posts have meant a lot to me. You will get through this. There was a time I felt exactly as you did, suicidal. I thank God I didn't do it. Alcohol addiction is indeed a relentless enemy, but it can be defeated.
There is much to live and stay sober for.
It will take a while before your body begins to feel better, I am still having problems after a month of sobriety, but overall feel much better. At least I have a clear mind to cope with health problems.
All the best to you.
Matthew
Many of your posts have meant a lot to me. You will get through this. There was a time I felt exactly as you did, suicidal. I thank God I didn't do it. Alcohol addiction is indeed a relentless enemy, but it can be defeated.
There is much to live and stay sober for.
It will take a while before your body begins to feel better, I am still having problems after a month of sobriety, but overall feel much better. At least I have a clear mind to cope with health problems.
All the best to you.
Matthew
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