Horn95

Where to begin. So several weeks ago I took a trip to NYC. And in one of my relapses I met a woman in a bar. You can imagine the rest. I gave her my card and she shot me an e-mail telling me she wanted to see me agin, blah, blah, blah. I am married.

I thought I deleted the e-mail.

My wife hacked my e-mail account (why I do not know; I had been totally faithful) and learned about the encounter. Now granted, our marriage has been in trouble for a while. She is very hard to love. She is beautiful (Russian). But very cold at times (Russian). Distant (Russian). But I have no doubt she has been faithful( again, Russian) even if emotionally inaccessible. in any event, no excuse for what I did. None. Especially because, for all her difficulties, I am deeply in love with her.

After confronting me, about a day later, she told me she still loves me and wants to make the marriage work. And for the past week she has been sweeter and more loving than she has ever been. It is freaking me the heck out! Is this some Jedi-mind trick or something? I have an affair and you are sweet to me?!?!

So now I wake up several times a night with overwhelming guilt, despair, and the only respite has been several scotches. I am at my wit's end. Parts of me wish I would have a heart attack and take me away from all of this.

This is the lowest point of my life. I was hopeful. Successful. Big plans. Now it is a struggle to get through the day without scotch to ease the, self-inflicted, pain. My alcoholism started a long time ago. But for this to occur in my attempt at recovery has been overwhelming. I am at the abyss, I am peering over, and nothing is staring back at me.......

kenton

The two things that jump out at me from your post are

1) you are deeply in love with your wife; and
2) your wife is so in love with you she is prepared to forgive the affair and work on your marriage.

Whatever your AV is telling you about overwhelming guilt, despair blah blah blah - focus on the 2 facts listed above. You listened to your AV when you relapsed and met the woman in the bar. That didn't destroy your marriage. You're listening to your AV every time you pour yourself a scotch. Eventually that may destroy your marriage.

You've been given a chance. Grab it with both hands and stop listening to your AV. When your AV is telling you it wishes you had a heart attack, it's definitely time to stop listening to your AV. You may think you've hit rock bottom but it sounds to me like things could get a whole lot worse. Or they could get a whole lot better. You get to choose. Make sobriety a priority. Good luck.

Maudcat

Well, Horn, it seems that despite your best effort, you have been given a grace note from God.
How about accepting that you have dodged a bullet here, and put down the drink?
Your wife wants to keep the marriage going? Help her out by earning back her trust.
Stopping drinking and working a recovery program would help with that, I think.
When I was drinking my relationship with my husband was one of, say, compassionate disgust.
He was worried about me, he still loved me, but he was repulsed by my behavior when I drank.
He started to like me again after I quit.
Didn't take all that long either.
Good luck and good thoughts.

JimiC

I don't have much to say expect to get permanently sober and make amends to your wife - (Russian)! Many years ago I was cheating on a girlfriend and I hated the lying. Hurting somebody you love is not worth it.

Outonthetiles

Parallel lives again, JCNY.
I was a terrible cheater, and I hated every minute of it. I hated the lying, the double life, everything.
As far as Horn goes, that's the best advice. Stay sober, and work hard to gain back her trust. That's about all you can do. Learn from the lesson, like I did.

tomsteve

if ya want out of the abyss, dont attempt recovery.
DO recovery,preferrably using a program of recovery
one day at a time

tealily

Horn, what great advice and feedback here. I, too, imagined a much more desperate "rock bottom". It seems to me that you've been given a blessing, of a wakeup call and a second chance, all in one. Don't let it go.

Use it as motivation and a reason to keep building toward a sober you, a stronger marriage, a better life.

AnvilheadII

But for this to occur in my attempt at recovery has been overwhelming

you mean like how DARE your wife find out you cheated on her.
or how dare she make the decision to stay and try to work things out?
or how dare she be nice to you?

a tree didn't fall on your house, the TRUTH did. and your response was to.....drink. what other options might you have chose?

keep in mind, just cuz we decide to get sober, life doesn't take it easy on us, give us a free pass, or otherwise hit the pause button while we catch up. we decide to stop doing stupid stuff we shouldn't have been doing in the first place, and then wonder why they aren't hosting a parade in our honor.

get rid of the booze. don't attempt recovery, DO IT. every day. find a program that helps you forge a successful sober path.

Dee74

Hi Horn

doesn't make much sense to me to continue drinking when drinking bought you to the brink of disaster.

Drinking the way we do is not a relief - whether you know it or not, you're laying the groundwork for more bad decisions.

Despite everything your wife still wants to be with you and is clearly willing to overlook your bad decision

That's a good thing...so whats with the self sabotage?

whats happening with IOP?

D

Anna

Horn, I hope you change your perspective and see this as a gift. Your wife is not only giving you a chance at repairing the marriage, she is already putting in a lot of effort. You say you love her very much. So, let go of the guilt, stay sober and take care of the lovely marriage that you have.

PhoenixJ

Iget that thought/feeling. When I do crap- I do not actually believe, initially I should be forgiven- because I do not forgive myself. It is vital to accept and move on. Use the guilt- turn it around into being a better you. Support to you and your lovely wife.

Chilledice

I get it that you feel guilt etc but you wanna hit the bottle because your wife has decided to shower you with affection?

Maybe it's because I'm tired tonight and possibly not read your post properly, but is this not simply a matter of putting the booze down and start enjoying the fact that you and your wife love each other? She wants it to work and you want it to work.....MAKE IT WORK!

Horn95

Thanks everyone for the advice. When I described rock bottom, I meant in terms of how I view myself. I feel terrible, awful. The most upsetting thing is I hurt her --and it can be traced right back to alcohol. I have to learn from this. I have to turn things around.

Dee, as to your question, the storm and flooding put everything off for a while. I have to find a new program.

I can't tell you all how many times I have thought that I do not deserve her. Indeed, I am quite afraid of what I just might deserve. The shame and self-loathing has been overwhelming.

Just have to start over, yet again.

Chilledice

Rather than beng afraid of what you may or may not deserve, how about embracing what you HAVE?

Horn95

Great advice.

ScottFromWI

Lots of good advice here Horn. Your last thread prior to this one stated that you were going to be starting an outpatient rehab program - if you haven't done so yet I'd highly recommend it.