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Hubbie won't show support

Old 08-12-2017, 02:18 AM
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Hubbie won't show support

Im so fed up, I've given up drinking once before but went back to it after 6 months. I've also gad countless times where ive tried to control my drinking, my problem is that my hubbie just isn't being supportive. He wasn't when i gave up before...he says its because ive let him down too much over the years & he doesn't believe im going to change......how is this even going to work?!!!
I need him & im so p***ed off!!

Any advice?! I just can't get him to c it from my point of view!!
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Old 08-12-2017, 02:28 AM
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Hi Loulou,

Please don't take this the wrong way, but he has a point. Non alcoholics don't truly understand how it works, so it can be frustrating for them to see us relapsing when we said we wouldn't.

You have to keep going regardless of what anyone else thinks or doesn't, including your husband. Over time as his view will change, it s inevitable.

And to his credit (and to my wife's credit), sticking around when your partner is struggling with alcohol is a statement of support itself, so the fact that he is there shows he cares.

Keep going, be patient, and over time things will get sorted.

All the best.

P
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Old 08-12-2017, 02:42 AM
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In what way is he being unsupportive?

To be honest, he is not really equipped to support you. If we want sobriety we need to find the willingness to seek out appropriate support. That can be scary and uncomfortable and we can bewail this and do as much wishful thinking as we like about what we would ideally like our partners to be able to do for us.

Truth is we've put them through enough already most of the time, and it's down to us to do what we need to do. Smart. AA. This forum. Loads of advice for making sobriety / recovery plans. We just need to woman up and get on with it. There is nothing anyone else can do to make this easy or pleasant for us I'm afraid.

There will be AA meetings in your area today. Why not show your husband that you're willing to put some work into your sobriety and get yourself to a meeting or two this weekend?

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
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Old 08-12-2017, 02:44 AM
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Loulou people that aren't alcoholics don't understand because they can drink a beer and put it down and not touch one for months. To them it's no big deal to us it's a very big deal so they get frustrated because we just don't stop .I've told my wife numerous times I would love to stop then she'll say that she doesn't really understand it. I'm glad she doesn't or we would really be in a mess.Just keep moving forward.
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Old 08-12-2017, 03:04 AM
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No one was gonna be more responsible
for my own recovery program and life
than myself. Yes, there were resentments
that often cropped up against my family
because I wanted them to understand my
addiction and its affects on me, yet they
knew exactly the affects it had on them for
sure cause I caused it.

However, once they place me into the
hands of those capable of teaching me
about my own addiction and gave me
a program of recovery to incorporate
in all areas of my life, the ball was then
in my court.

My family didn't understand addiction
nor recovery because non of them had
this awful disease within themselves. They
didn't have it, nor wanted it, nor asked it
nor needed anything to do with it because
they had their own life's to deal with and
live.

I took the reins, took control of my
life and began to do whatever I needed
to do to remain sober incorperating
tools and knowledge of my addiction
and recovery program to get healthy
and honest in all my affairs.

Yes, family was happy to see that I
no longer drank or tried to end my
sick life. Each of us in our 4 unit family
did our own thing and moved on in
our lives.

Communication and understanding
is always important but takes work
on everyone's parts if they are to be
successful in remaining a cohesive
family.

This is your recovery.
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Old 08-12-2017, 03:08 AM
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My own experiences is...I nearly died from burns from a blackout (ciggie) in hospital. My wife refused to be my next of kin for life saving surgery and is now filing for fvorce. My 2 adult sons also disowned me. I had to stop drinking for me- alone. Every family has it's breaking support. You cannot rely on family for this- they have their own crosses to bear. Seek that support else where- I go regularly (about 4 times a week) to mweetings- AA oe SMART. I see a counsellor regularly for addiction coping and a psychologist for CBT based life skills. I also see my doc for regular physical checkups and to monitor my depression (with a-d's).
I have nothing but empathy, compassion and support for you. Stop drinking. I will just make you get very unwell.
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Old 08-12-2017, 03:29 AM
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I'm like phoenix too with seeking out
support from the fellowship within
my recovery program. For every meeting
I attended I always felt a part of something
awesome. I found experiences, strength
and hope there amongst strangers who
then became friends with understanding,
care and compassion.

Today I'm amongst many here in SR
with the same compassion and understanding
knowing that I'm never alone or by myself
as I continue on my recovery journey a day
at a time.

We're here for you too.
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Old 08-12-2017, 04:40 AM
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Don't "need" him, "show" him. Really, I could not blame those close to me for having doubts. Way before when they had faith we failed time and again. At some point we make a choice or not to pick our selves up, move forward and continue that path, irrespective of them.

"We all carry within us supreme strength, fullness of wisdom, and unquenchable joy. It cannot be thwarted and can never be destroyed, but it is buried deep and that makes life a problem." -Huston Smith

Find this.
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Old 08-12-2017, 06:20 AM
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your husband HAS been there all this time. did that stop you? he is not the problem. the kids are not the problem. alcohol is the problem. put it behind you for good - do not drink again, at all, ever. not one, not on a "special occasion", not because you are having a bad, or deserve it. do everything you can to be successful at sobriety.
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Old 08-12-2017, 06:26 AM
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The belief that anyone needs someone else's support to achieve sobriety is false, IMHO. If that were the case there would be many more sober who are not and vice versa. We simply do not need anyone else's support to become sober people if we really want to. It's all up to us.
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Old 08-12-2017, 06:56 AM
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Originally Posted by loulou1981 View Post
my problem is that my hubbie just isn't being supportive.
This is your AV speaking, trying to give you a reason to drink. And you are listening intently. Don't give in.

Your husband is rightfully exhausted with supporting you. Be thankful that he hasn't walked out the door. If you want more support from him, demonstrate sobriety through actions and with time.
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Old 08-12-2017, 07:06 AM
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I want to echo what has been said. All those thoughts are AV.

I was exactly were you were at first but with time my husband started seeing (not hearing) the change. Eventually he came around and eventhough it's not perfect his support has increased which is nice BUT it has nothing to do with MY sobriety.

We totally get it but put yourself in his shoes...

Show, don't say and rely of us for support. We get it!
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Old 08-13-2017, 01:00 AM
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Originally Posted by loulou1981 View Post
Im so fed up, I've given up drinking once before but went back to it after 6 months. I've also gad countless times where ive tried to control my drinking, my problem is that my hubbie just isn't being supportive. He wasn't when i gave up before...he says its because ive let him down too much over the years & he doesn't believe im going to change......how is this even going to work?!!!
I need him & im so p***ed off!!

Any advice?! I just can't get him to c it from my point of view!!
My wife told me she would support me however I needed when I said I was stopping smoking. I warned her how irritable I would be and how she would eventually want me to start smoking again. LOL, she said she would do whatever it took. However, she didn't do what I needed or wanted, and seemingly forgot what I told her about my irritability. Basically, I realized I could not count on her to cow tow to my cessation. It's not her fault, it's just she wasn't addicted to smoking and wouldn't get it from an addict's standpoint.

I think you just need to go about your recovery.
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Old 08-13-2017, 01:21 AM
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Originally Posted by totfit View Post
Don't "need" him, "show" him.

Find this.
100% agree. The thing is when we've let people down so many times, I know I did. This time when I told my gf I was quitting drinking her response was basically "ok, sure, we'll see", it's only now she sees how serious I am that she started really supporting me. And I don't blame her. Give him a reason to believe this time is different.
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Old 08-13-2017, 10:42 AM
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That's what we do as drunks, is try to blame everyone and everything else besides what the real problem is, and that's with ourselves and alcohol.
Also like mentioned, non-alcoholics simply do not understand alcoholism, not to mention his trust is likely long gone over the countless promises to stop, which haven't panned out.
Though there is tons of support out there, AA, addiction therapists, secular programs, inpatient or outpatient rehab,.. You need to make the choice and do the work for yourself to finally kick the addiction once and for all.
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Old 08-13-2017, 10:52 AM
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Loulou, you don't need your husband's support to stop drinking.

It would be nice to have, but not necessary.

Many of us are on our own as far as family support. It depends on your motivation, and I hope you make a plan and stick to it.
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Old 08-13-2017, 11:00 AM
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Originally Posted by loulou1981 View Post
Any advice?! I just can't get him to c it from my point of view!!
What is more important, your recovery or that he see it from your point of view?

If I understand another person, they are exactly as they are.
If I don't understand another person, they are exactly as they are.

I do better when I try to understand the universe rather than when I try to get the universe to understand me. :~)
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