Day 9
Gratitude Gardener
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
Day 9
Its Day 9 after my relapse.
So.... I have been pretty depressed these past few days. Its been growing and last night my depression was pretty ... ICKY. It was at its "ickiest", lol.
You know, at that point where you dont even care to brush your teeth. You dont even care to move beyond your bed because everything you see (the mess in my house, for example, even just emptying the trash) feels PAINFUL.
I went into a deep conversation with myself about drinking. The interesting thing last night though, was that I wasnt having those urgent cravings at all. I felt dinstinctly as though my physical addiction has now gone mostly away.
The only thing making me want to drink was the siren song of how I could clean the house if I drank. I could clean it drunk. Thats how I could do it. But I cant clean from THIS depressed place.
So then i went full swing into "am I really an alcoholic?" and, "who the frick cares, dude?"
FULL SWING.
The good news is I was actually able to handle those thoughts without them making me run to the store immediately.
I sat in consideration of it all.
And I was able to reach to the other side of it in some great, sober, honest inner feedback.
The feedback was: Your digestion really cannot handle this anymore. So, alcoholic or not, your body cant take that stuff anymore. Its like youve physically become "alcohol intolerant". Thats a for sure thing. Thats NOT in your imagination. Its real.
Not only that but you ALSO injure yourself often now when youve drank. Almost every time.
Even at the wedding, the alcohol you consumed made you numb to the limits of your poor little feet, and when you came home, you had some painful bloody areas where blisters had came and went and popped while walking or dancing. There are still deep scabs on your feet from that day over a week ago.
Yes, its only hard alcohol that seems to cause you to become violent, but even wine causes self injury.
So, is it worth it?
Nope.
I also went through the whole chemistry of addiction which Ive been learning about in depth this past week.
And then, I just layed in bed at 8Pm and gave up on the clean house, gave up on the idea of drinking, made a delicious dinner for my boyfriend and I and we watched GOT together. (LOL, not quite in THAT order, but you get it).
There IS something that happens, I think, with LEARNING about actual addiction... the brain chemistry. It happens in a way that makes less work out of sobriety.
It dispels the drama and the horror.
Lets put it this way: IMAGINE...If you are standing on a ledge 100 stories high with nothing to hold onto... terrified of falling (this describes the acute DRAMA that can be infused so fully in new sobriety; the horror, the acute fear)
You imagine bodies splattered on the ground. You imagine all the stories of those who came to this ledge before you did, and who fell to their deaths.
Do those thoughts keep you safe?
Now contrast that with thoughts like this: I am going to lay down first, and then I am going to put one foot down to the more stable part a few feet down from where I am. There is nothing to be afraid of, because there is a way down, and I can climb that way.
If you had a voice there telling you also, that, wind velocity cant knock you off, and you dont fall when youre standing on a sidewalk, so there is no problem because there is nothing different from you standing on a sidewalk to you standing right now, right here. Easy to stand on a solid surface. Easy to climb off.
My point is... Sometimes the intense drama isnt helpful. (nor is the self judgment or shame or inner bullying)
And to know more about addiction and why you kept drinking after you absolutely did not want to drink.... Knowing that there IS a powerful brain chemistry happening... is really great for detaching from the whole tragic drama of ALCOHOLISM, and for being able to be in our power (a far more objective, detached power) when we make our choices.
-- This is why when people say things like "I had the sobering realization"... they arent talking about drinking or substances.
They are usually talking about cold facts, and logic. To be sober is to be able to see something in an objective detached way.
When we are in drama mode (of any sort) we arent SOBER. Because there are chemicals being released during times when we are in the midst of emotional drama. Those chemicals make our actions, thoughts, and behaviors unreliable. Just like being under the influence of a drug.
We can either feed the DRAMA CHEMICAL MONSTER ... with more dramatic thoughts ("Shes a b*tch! I am never speaking to her again! I am going to rage on her now!!!")... and eventually a substance to add to the combustible stew... Because thats what those of us here tended to do. We were looking for relief from that acute chemistry. But obviously, it only made things worse.
Or we can find someplace peaceful within ourselves. Stay there for a bit. Feel the calm settling into our bones and minds. And THEN move from THAT place of calm detached focus.
I am grateful to be hangover free today.
Thanks.
So.... I have been pretty depressed these past few days. Its been growing and last night my depression was pretty ... ICKY. It was at its "ickiest", lol.
You know, at that point where you dont even care to brush your teeth. You dont even care to move beyond your bed because everything you see (the mess in my house, for example, even just emptying the trash) feels PAINFUL.
I went into a deep conversation with myself about drinking. The interesting thing last night though, was that I wasnt having those urgent cravings at all. I felt dinstinctly as though my physical addiction has now gone mostly away.
The only thing making me want to drink was the siren song of how I could clean the house if I drank. I could clean it drunk. Thats how I could do it. But I cant clean from THIS depressed place.
So then i went full swing into "am I really an alcoholic?" and, "who the frick cares, dude?"
FULL SWING.
The good news is I was actually able to handle those thoughts without them making me run to the store immediately.
I sat in consideration of it all.
And I was able to reach to the other side of it in some great, sober, honest inner feedback.
The feedback was: Your digestion really cannot handle this anymore. So, alcoholic or not, your body cant take that stuff anymore. Its like youve physically become "alcohol intolerant". Thats a for sure thing. Thats NOT in your imagination. Its real.
Not only that but you ALSO injure yourself often now when youve drank. Almost every time.
Even at the wedding, the alcohol you consumed made you numb to the limits of your poor little feet, and when you came home, you had some painful bloody areas where blisters had came and went and popped while walking or dancing. There are still deep scabs on your feet from that day over a week ago.
Yes, its only hard alcohol that seems to cause you to become violent, but even wine causes self injury.
So, is it worth it?
Nope.
I also went through the whole chemistry of addiction which Ive been learning about in depth this past week.
And then, I just layed in bed at 8Pm and gave up on the clean house, gave up on the idea of drinking, made a delicious dinner for my boyfriend and I and we watched GOT together. (LOL, not quite in THAT order, but you get it).
There IS something that happens, I think, with LEARNING about actual addiction... the brain chemistry. It happens in a way that makes less work out of sobriety.
It dispels the drama and the horror.
Lets put it this way: IMAGINE...If you are standing on a ledge 100 stories high with nothing to hold onto... terrified of falling (this describes the acute DRAMA that can be infused so fully in new sobriety; the horror, the acute fear)
You imagine bodies splattered on the ground. You imagine all the stories of those who came to this ledge before you did, and who fell to their deaths.
Do those thoughts keep you safe?
Now contrast that with thoughts like this: I am going to lay down first, and then I am going to put one foot down to the more stable part a few feet down from where I am. There is nothing to be afraid of, because there is a way down, and I can climb that way.
If you had a voice there telling you also, that, wind velocity cant knock you off, and you dont fall when youre standing on a sidewalk, so there is no problem because there is nothing different from you standing on a sidewalk to you standing right now, right here. Easy to stand on a solid surface. Easy to climb off.
My point is... Sometimes the intense drama isnt helpful. (nor is the self judgment or shame or inner bullying)
And to know more about addiction and why you kept drinking after you absolutely did not want to drink.... Knowing that there IS a powerful brain chemistry happening... is really great for detaching from the whole tragic drama of ALCOHOLISM, and for being able to be in our power (a far more objective, detached power) when we make our choices.
-- This is why when people say things like "I had the sobering realization"... they arent talking about drinking or substances.
They are usually talking about cold facts, and logic. To be sober is to be able to see something in an objective detached way.
When we are in drama mode (of any sort) we arent SOBER. Because there are chemicals being released during times when we are in the midst of emotional drama. Those chemicals make our actions, thoughts, and behaviors unreliable. Just like being under the influence of a drug.
We can either feed the DRAMA CHEMICAL MONSTER ... with more dramatic thoughts ("Shes a b*tch! I am never speaking to her again! I am going to rage on her now!!!")... and eventually a substance to add to the combustible stew... Because thats what those of us here tended to do. We were looking for relief from that acute chemistry. But obviously, it only made things worse.
Or we can find someplace peaceful within ourselves. Stay there for a bit. Feel the calm settling into our bones and minds. And THEN move from THAT place of calm detached focus.
I am grateful to be hangover free today.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 19
My 1st day here & I'm amazed at so many detailed/insightful posts. Your thread will help me Herculana get through my 2nd tonight for being sober! You must be a best selling novelist with your writing ability. Thanks for posting your thoughts.
Gratitude Gardener
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
Hey... GOOD FOR YOU!
KNOW that the first 10 days will be likely filled with the actual physical cravings. It takes 10 days for your body to rid itself of alcohol. Give yourself 10 days and know your AV (addicted voice) will be really really strong, and sneaky.
After those 10 days, though your body will be rid of alcohol, its then going to be your EMOTIONAL and MENTAL habits that will trigger your AV. And that could go on for a long while, but you must start learning new, and healthier coping mechanisms... and you also need to go VERY easy on yourself through all of this. Be slow about doing the normal lifestyle stuff if you must.
I havent cleaned my house in over a week. Its a STY! But I need to get through this time sober and go slow in training myself to clean without alcohol.
Talk about everything youre going through here. Its really good to stay as close as possible to these boards.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
KNOW that the first 10 days will be likely filled with the actual physical cravings. It takes 10 days for your body to rid itself of alcohol. Give yourself 10 days and know your AV (addicted voice) will be really really strong, and sneaky.
After those 10 days, though your body will be rid of alcohol, its then going to be your EMOTIONAL and MENTAL habits that will trigger your AV. And that could go on for a long while, but you must start learning new, and healthier coping mechanisms... and you also need to go VERY easy on yourself through all of this. Be slow about doing the normal lifestyle stuff if you must.
I havent cleaned my house in over a week. Its a STY! But I need to get through this time sober and go slow in training myself to clean without alcohol.
Talk about everything youre going through here. Its really good to stay as close as possible to these boards.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
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