noturningback2

hi. This is my day 1. ive tried giving up manier times but always after getting some time together, convince myself I can drink normally again, and I just cant. Something changed at some point, I think due to a traumatic event in my life, and my relationship with alcohol went from something I enjoyed sensibly, to using it to self medicate, company, to fill time.....

Which is why I'm here, I know I have a very big problem, my issue is me being a binge drinker, once I start drinking, I don't stop until the booze is ran out, or I pass out. I must therefore be drinking to be drunk, although I don't think its how I start, I think I genuinely start drinking with the intention of only having 2 or 3, but I cant stop, and subconsciously I must know that in my head. Then next thing I know its the next day and ive left a wake of destruction and me and my husband have fallen out and he is ignoring me. So I'm racking my brain to figure out what I did or said. I'm not an aggressive drunk, but I'm a sloppy drunk, I slurr after 2 glasses of wine, I have no tolerance, my fine motor skills go very soon after, and nobody likes being around someone like that. He says I'm disgusting and he is embarrassed of me, so I feel so awful about myself, I don't eat for days and I say I wont ever do it again, that I will stop and a month later. It happens again.

This is my first real admission of the problem that is ruining my life bit by bit. I don't want to moderate, it does not work. I don't want to drink again and I want to commit to it fully. I'm just a bit lost how to go about it. I'm terrified, but I don't know why. I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach because I know I risk losing everything that makes me happy, and I'm so so scared to mess up again. I cant believe I'm sat here admitting I'm an alcoholic, I really never saw this coming.

VigilanceNow

Welcome noturningback. I completely understand. If I take that first drink, I will stop at nothing to drink more. It's baffling. I would never do that with food, or anything else.

Good for you for admitting it! You are not alone.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

Fear is understandable, you are dealing with a lot of unknowns. Except one: Drinking is causing you problems. How to quit is the unknown.

There is a wealth of information on this site. Read around. Note the emphasis on having a recovery plan, and having support, and being committed to your decision to quit.

And there's worlds of information outside of this site, and help. The big book of AA (available online) might explain what alcoholism is. Under the Influence will explain how alcohol effects us and how the alcoholic is different from other people when it comes to ingesting alcohol. Rational Recovery gives you a different, secular approach to recovery.

Don't be afraid. Quit. You won't regret it.

MidnightRider

Welcome noturningback --------

You are on the right path .. Now!

You are not alone. Almost all of us have been in your exact shoes... (or worse) ...
Plus there are many other Newcomers here today too.

May I suggest checking into the July Newcomers Thread ... Lots of nice folks !

MidnightRider

I know you are afraid... So was I.

But I took quitting for very seriously.

The first part of my own detox... I told my wife I was "sick" and spent several days in bed. It was my "start"... I read many threads and then started to participate ... SR is VERY helpful.

Wishing - you --a good day/beginning.

noturningback2

thanks for being so welcoming, I feel quite overwhelmed with how supportive everyone is, I'm reading through posts and I'm amazed to see so many people helping. Its strange, because you feel so alone for so long with this secret, and then you suddenly realise, you aren't so crazy, other people have this thing too.

I plan to spend a lot of time on here, evenings are an easy time for me, as that's not when I would typically drink as I'm with the husband watching tv and wouldn't drink anyway. Its the lunchtimes where I get invited out for lunch and its typical for the people I know to buy and share a bottle of wine. I jus am always the one that leaves way more drunk than everyone else, then goes home with 2 bottles in tow to 'treat myself'. UGH!! I think my social calendar needs to stop for a while, I don't think I can manage those meet ups without wanting to join in the group and have wine. So I suppose a good second step is to start to recognise the pattern or situations that causes the problems.

lookinforward

Welcome noturningback2
You are not alone. I was scared and afraid when I first came here. Admitting to yourself that you are an Alcoholic is one of the hardest things to do....It definitely was for me. I never saw myself that way and couldn't figure out how in the heck I even got there. It is a step in the right direction.
You will find many excellent resources on here to assist you in your recovery....but always remember...it is ultimately up to you and the choices you make...I am not at all saying you choose to binge drink...but it begins with one...I am talking to myself as much to you...Always reminding myself, because when that nasty little voice says you can handle just a couple...it is lying to you. I have been there and regretted those poor decisions...losing years of sobriety, why, because I am an alcoholic and I cant just have a few.
You will have people in your everyday life that will support you in this excellent decision and others that will try to convince you otherwise. Follow YOUR path and surround yourself with people that respect and support your decision to be sober.
Your comment on recognizing the patterns and situations is spot on in my opinion...when first sobering up...sometimes you have to pass on things you use to do.....which for me all involved drinking....So I felt like I was missing out....but the reality is you are only expanding your world and all the wonderful things that are out there. I didn't realize how much I had given up to "treat" myself.
You will hear many people on here say one day at a time....when I first joined...I didn't get it....but how true it is. Cherish everyday of sobriety...I wake up and thank God..."because that is who I choose to believe in"....You can thank your Cat, Dog, Couch, whatever or whoever that you woke up sober and ready for another day. It is truly amazing.
Life is good and being sober it is great. I hope you continue to follow your sober path....You will not regret it!
D

thomas11

Welcome to SR. How do you quit? Well, coming here is a great start, many many success stories here and everyone is here to help. There are many ways to achieve sobriety, you can select one that works for you. I think you will find the benefits of sobriety to be wonderful. No regrets, no fights, no hangovers, no embarrassment. Boredom is the biggest obstacle early on, but it will change.

Incontrol15

Welcome! Man do I know that fear.

Fear of the truth, fear of the journey, fear if I can make the journey, fear of the unknown, on and on.

Where there's fear, hope is never far behind. Milton wrote "Where no hope is left, is left no fear."

Honestly I end up having to read over every time I see it. Lol. I like quotes and all, but man, some authors make it hard.

I personally think between fear and hope, is faith and / or knowledge.

Stay close to SR. There's a lot here to learn. That knowledge will also crush your fears, and at the same time, give you hope.

WallaceFunk

I also understand the fear of losing things that are you. I am finding the changes coming about are far better. Hang in there and keep going . It will get better.

Anna

Most of us don't see alcoholism coming at us. It's an invisible line and we aren't aware when we cross it, but there is no going back. It sounds like you are ready to stop drinking and live a sober life. And, you are definitely on the right track by realizing that you need to stop your meet ups with your drinking friends. There may be a time when you can get back to it and remain sober, but for now, avoiding those kinds of situations is the best thing.

PhoenixJ

Too many wise words to add to- 4except this...HALTS. Remember on a daily basis if you are feeling stressed, emotionally drained..whatever to ask yourself am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired-thirsty or Sad? If yes- fix it..eat,hydrate,rest. If lonely- go to a meeting- go to 2 meetings. If sad- talk to a counsellor, your doc. Remove family from the equation of support- seek outside sources.
Empathy and support to you.

noturningback2

how wonderful to wake up and read such lovely messages this morning, thank you so much!! on to day 2, and although I wasn't a everyday drinker, ive woken up with a kid of sadness/frustration/anger instead of the fear, I cant explain it well. Its a very odd feeling, maybe a disappointment in myself, that I have let people down, I'm not sure. But I will keep busy and going on with the day and hopefully my mood will lift. Tonight my husband is out and I plan to spend my evening on here reading and reading and reading. I have set a plan up that I am working on too, but was very tired last night and fell asleep midway, so I shall do some writing up on that.

I realise I need to put everything in to this for it to work. I have too much to lose if it does not.

Your words of advice mean so much to me, listening to people who are walking the walk is the biggest emotional support for me at the moment. As I feel quite angry that most people don't understand, that people just feel you should 'sort yourself out'. I do feel quite alone in my life with this, as my husband is just very angry and at the moment not supportive, he doesn't get why I just cant stick to 2 drinks, and although I understand his frustration and anger at me, I feel like a child being scolded for something they just cant help. But I can help it too, its always been in my power, I just wanna scream out of frustration with him and me.

I think I need a day of some TLC and hope to wake fresher and clearer tomorrow. A bad start to the day, but no drinking is being done, that's for damned sure!!

myluckyday

I remember the feeling when I finally had to admit that I was an alcoholic. It is very scary but it gets better. I've had so much help from the people here at SR. I owe my continued sobriety to them! Good luck and keep coming here for support. It works!

Berrybean

Welcome. I'm so glad you found us.

If lunch times are your hardest times to avoid drinking, why not check out some lunchtime AA meetings in your area?

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

v0da12

I dont think your husband is being very supportive if hes saying your disgusting and other stuff like that. I have noticed that non alcoholics are in general not supportive towards people with a problem and in their minds they think we are just idiots who deink just because. In my little experience with alcohol abuse i have realized that there is always a good reason behind alcohol abuse and for me identifying these reasons have at least made me aware why i end up abusing alcohol in other words i think you gotta find the root and start from there. Thats why even though i am young and dumb i do not believe programs like AA work, only we can make change and we dont need others to tell us we hot a problem because we know we just havent committed ourselves to fixing it yet for one reason or another. And yes it is a personal choice thats why everyday people quit alcohol and some sip on another glass but i think the challenge in quiting is more about fixing the underlying problems and then your need to self medicate with alcohol will no longer be needed in your life, but simply saying i will quit diesnt always work, in this case your either doing it for someone else who is always on ur case about it or your doing it because people are judgmental.

candie

Love the HALTS help tool, thanks 😚

Taevans64

Welcome to the best club you will ever join!

It is daunting facing up to a life without alcohol. But the reality is that, for us, a life with alcohol means a near permanent fog surrounding us, preventing us from fully participating in and enjoying life. Sobriety means we start embracing life.