Privet

What on earth is wrong with me? Why in the heck did I think last night I could "get a sixpack", safely have a few drinks, and safely go to bed??? But the sixpack is gone, and I had to go and get more, and drink drink drink and I would rather not go into the embarrassing details...I hate myself, I'm so depressed.

I had a month of sobriety, and then started again. I guess my main problem is...AA seems really strange to me, I don't think it's for me. But I get so bored, and don't know what to do. I live alone, far from my family, and don't have any really close friends here...except drinkers, but they don't really count.

I just really need to get this off my chest, I feel so ashamed, and guilty. I HAVE to get sober!!! And stay that way for good!!!

Anna

Hi Privet,

I did exactly the same thing many, many times. The main thing is to start today to not drink.

There are options other than AA. Smart Recovery smartrecovery.org is one of those. There's lots of support on this board too. I think you need a plan so that when that happens again, you know what to do. You can do this!

Hang in there.

Love, Anna

squirrelly77

I'm right there with ya Privet. Like they say, 1 is too many and 1,000 is never enough. It's okay to feel weird about AA...it's not for everyone. But, with the little experience I've had, I only knew one person who was able to quit drinking and has stayed that way without any help. But, he's one of these hard-headed, stubborn types who never had a need for friends, so I'm not surprised. There are other options out there...Anna already told you about one.
Like you, I had some sober time when I decided to pick up again. And, also like you I'm feeling the effects here at work. Didn't it feel oh-so-much better when we weren't drinking? *sigh*

But, we CAN do this. And, we WILL!

Danielle

Dan

Hi Privet, and welcome.
The magic six-pack that somehow turns into... well, you know.
Guess what? You're not alone. I did that a couple thousand times or more.
I got sick enough and quit.
Throw the shame stick away.
And let's be sober today.

Privet

You guys don't know how much it means to me that this website is here, that I'm not alone...I feel like crying, but I'm here at work, so that really wouldn't be appropriate...guess I'll wait a few hours to go home and do it. And...I'm a secretary in a very NOT busy museum, which is great...plenty of internet time.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

squirrelly77

Hey there...I'm also a secretary...well, more of a Customer Service Rep, and I work in a fairly busy office-- but I'm able to come online a lot even while I'm getting my work done. Have to switch screens a lot though when the boss-man walks past my desk...which is quite often. LOL. I haven't been "talked to" yet, so I don't think it's a problem.
Anyways...it is a wonderful thing to know that we're not alone. It's just so hard to admitting when we've screwed up. I have a tendency to sugar-coat a lot of things, and I have this annoying little habit of painting an "I'm so perfect" picture of myself to others.
Hang in there...I'm white-knuckling it myself. But, I know that the most important thing is to NOT PICK UP!!! Like someone wrote to me in my last post...that demon is laughing and dancing for winning out again. I want that little sh*t to just keel over and die!

Danielle

P.S. Crying for us here in the office is a norm. People wouldn't be very surprised if I just let it all come out!

Privet

Ha Ha! I have 2 screens also, one is the official, work screen, and the other one is this. Don't know how people would react if they saw what I was reading...no one suspects a thing, managed to come to work, hungover, glad I did or I would be kicking myself big time over that. And would not have found this site.

Time to go home!!!! It's JUST hot tea, and I think I'll eat something healthy today, and read a funny book to get over the melancholy. I just got "America" by the writers of the Jon Stewart show, and it's FUNNY.

Jess

1Marty

Hi Privet, I can't tell you how many times the six pack would turn into a 12 pack. I knew those emergency trips to the store too well. Also spent many hungover days at work, always asking myself "why again"? I drank to have fun, relax, and deal with life. I go to AA and see people using spirutal principles to have fun, relax and be more successfull with life. I thought that was wierd too. And way too much God stuff. But I kept an open mind and found the program has a lot to offer, not only for sobriety, but for life in general. If you decide AA is not right for you, definatly check into some of the alternatives. On thing many of us in recovery agree on is that it is very difficult to do alone. It helps a lot to have others involved for support and accountability.

solstice

I am glad to say i agree with marty 100% in regards to AA. However I am so thankfull I found this site. Would someone mind telling me why on my screen it says I last logged in today at 3 something. When I logged in at about 8pm. Am I going crazy? Perhaps just the stress of life. I came onlinen as opposed to an AA meeting tonight. I am isolating to a degree. Atleast i did not stay in my room. It is the end of the month so I cannot afford to get out as much. Go home read some literature and pig out. mmmm... comfort food :spectacle

Wish you all a great "24"

Suomi Poika

Jess.

Most of us that are here regulary have all been through exactly what you've been through -- many, many times.

I don't know how many times I'd stop for a six pack of light beer, then think to my self that it may not be enough (I can at least say that never once in over 30 years have I driven after drinking.) So, I'd get a pint of booze to go with it -- never intending to have more than a sip of the pint and just one or two beers. Many a night, it would be totally consumed between 6:00 pm and 9:00 pm.

I do a lot of volunteer work in the evenings and on weekends, and I am still amazed at how much work I got done under those conditions. Somehow, I had enough sense to leave the final touches to the next day when I would be sober.

There were many a day when I went to work not feeling very chipper. Our bodies are amazing. I'd feel absolutely rotten until about 10:00 am. By noon I was ready for lunch, and with a vow to never drink again. By 4:00 I was getting ready to head for home to get some rest. By 5:00 I was getting my night's supply to start all over again. But, sometimes I'd change pace -- I'd get a bottle of wine and pint of vodka or gin!

Thankfully, those days are well behind me. There are lots of good approaches out there to help you quit. There is no universal cure. But find something that you are comfortable with. Lots of good info and links are on this site.

For me, it finally took 12 weeks of hospital outpatient. The program didn't require us to stop drinking, but by the time they taught us what they did, we didn't want to drink anymore. It was a life saver.

Toivo

Connie

Hey everybody, I can relate to each one of you. Secretary too, I manage to hide the screen when the boss is coming. Also, the days of the hangovers, UGH, angry at myself for being on the merry go round and not having a clue how to get off. Privet, I agree that everyone must make their own choices as to what helps them to maintain sobriety. AA is working for me, as of this evening, although it feels strange and uncomfortable at times. I just remind myself that feeling uncomfortable is a small price to pay for sobriety. You know, willing to go to any length to acheive it? Keep searching for what works for you, I know you'll find it. Although I'm a newcomer to the forum, it doesn't take long to realize the tons of support and the kind souls that are here. Doesn't matter how many relapses, or days of sobriety that we have under our belts, we're all in the same rocky boat, everyday. Hang in there.

1Marty

Good Point! Thanks Connie.

Privet

Thanks so much everyone! Here at work, not hungover, what a great feeling. Last night, I'm like, thinking a shot of vodka or something would really get me over my hangover, and take the edge off....but I went to sleep early instead. Slept for like 10 hours. Felt nervous and edgy, so took the phone off the hook, and missed some important calls.

Yeah, I think I'll go to AA for the support, and try to find something else. A counselor, or someone. The weirdest thing about AA for me, is one of the steps, "Asking God to remove our perfections", I just don't know if I believe in God, even though I'm not atheist.

And how much is it usually to do an outpatient program? Lack of money is a big problem, or I would love something like that.
Jess

Connie

Hey Jess -

Glad to hear you're feeling better. Isn't sleep grand?

You don't need to believe in God in AA. Only a higher power, your idea of what could be out there, helping you along. I don't know about God, as others perceive God, but I know my sorry a-- hasn't made it this far along without something guiding me along.

Don't know anything about outpatient programs either. Hang in there

Mr X

That's my thing, the "6 Pack". I do pretty good Mon-Fri, But Sat/Sun 6 always becomes 9 or 10. Last night it was just 8, not too shabby for a Sunday...But Mon-Fri I stay pretty disciplined. 6 only...I figure 6 is plenty anyway...Probably more than plenty.........

Brendan

I remember when a 6-pack used to seem like a lot to me too. Recently a six was a starter and 10 or 11 was a comfortable evening in. I know where you're at all too well. Go home and get yourself to bed before you hit a liquor store if that's what it takes.

Think of how much better you'll feel at work tomorrow.

papagalo

Privet, I read your post & you sound exactly like my husband. This is my first post ever on this board. I am not an alcoholic, but I am certain that I am married to one. I am a grateful member of Alanon & desperately ashamed of myself for marrying someone whose drinking officially bothered me about 2 months before we got married. We were married last year. I'd been in Alanon for about 2 years before we got married since my dad is my qualifier. The doctor recently told him that he has to stop drinking and smoking or die. Period. Now I have another qualifier: my husband.

I need help. I'm so scared. I am married to one of the most gentle, loving, intelligent, sensitive, gorgeous men on this planet...who I believe is plagued by the disease of alcoholism. I know, I know...alcoholism is a "self-diagnosed" disease. Then let me just say that his drinking REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY bothers me. And of course, I also know that his drinking is none of my business. The thing is I'm ready to walk the path to recovery with him, but he does not want a 12-step program.

Anyway, thank you for being honest about what you did. That gives me hope. That there are people out there who notice what they are doing and want to try to get sober.