Please Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Please Help
I have posted many times here as a sober individual. I am now almost not sober and hoping I can read something here. I've never been married but I have a boyfriend. And I don't have any children (though I want them one day) but I do have a kitty that I just adore and would so anything for.
Anyway my boyfriend wants to break up with me over something I did when I was drinking two years ago. It seems so unfair. I have come so far since then and now it's all coming back to me.
Help
Anyway my boyfriend wants to break up with me over something I did when I was drinking two years ago. It seems so unfair. I have come so far since then and now it's all coming back to me.
Help
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Vigilance Now
You posted in our News forum so I moved your post here.
Unfortunately sometimes things we did when drinking come with heavy consequences., It's never usually just one thing, but a culmination of many.
This event may have happened two years ago but if you kept drinking after that date it might still be a factor among many.
It doesn't mean we're bad people, it's just that our loved ones have reached a certain point of aggravation.
I don't know of any way to change a persons mind once they decide they're
at that point, but redoubling your efforts to stay sober can't hurt.
I hope you and your partner can work it out - but please don't drink whatever happens. That would be one way to ensure disaster.
D
You posted in our News forum so I moved your post here.
Unfortunately sometimes things we did when drinking come with heavy consequences., It's never usually just one thing, but a culmination of many.
This event may have happened two years ago but if you kept drinking after that date it might still be a factor among many.
It doesn't mean we're bad people, it's just that our loved ones have reached a certain point of aggravation.
I don't know of any way to change a persons mind once they decide they're
at that point, but redoubling your efforts to stay sober can't hurt.
I hope you and your partner can work it out - but please don't drink whatever happens. That would be one way to ensure disaster.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
VN,
I don't have much advice to offer, but I can say this: regardless what problem you are wrestling with, the only thing alcohol will do is create another problem on top of the one we try to avoid by drinking.
It does not seem rational for your BF to use some event years ago as the "reason" for breaking up. Regardless, if he does not want to continue the relationship, trying to change that decision will do nothing other than change when it occurs. In the meantime, you will have invested more time and effort trying to singlehandedly keep the relationship alive. That is not a loving relationship, it is self inflicted slavery.
We don't get what we deserve, we get what we accept. You deserve far more, but before you can hope to get it, you will need to move on. Life is short... don't let someone else squander your days, much less your sobriety.
I don't have much advice to offer, but I can say this: regardless what problem you are wrestling with, the only thing alcohol will do is create another problem on top of the one we try to avoid by drinking.
It does not seem rational for your BF to use some event years ago as the "reason" for breaking up. Regardless, if he does not want to continue the relationship, trying to change that decision will do nothing other than change when it occurs. In the meantime, you will have invested more time and effort trying to singlehandedly keep the relationship alive. That is not a loving relationship, it is self inflicted slavery.
We don't get what we deserve, we get what we accept. You deserve far more, but before you can hope to get it, you will need to move on. Life is short... don't let someone else squander your days, much less your sobriety.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Sobriety and relationships are unrelated. Single people get and stay sober too. It is possible to stay sober regardless of anything external. People die, people leave all the time. It is part of life. Alcohol used to be my solution to life, but obviously there are far better solutions.
You sobriety should not depend on what someone else does, if you have found a solution to alcoholism. Unfortunately, quite a few alcoholics find it not too hard to stay sober while everything is going well. They don't see the need for an active program of daily living. Then something bad happens, and they turn immediately to their old solution.
If you are feeling like that, all I can suggest is you focus on your recovery plan if you have one, and get one if you don't.
One thing I have found so many times, when things are not working out as I would wish, God always seems to have something better in mind. I would have had such a second rate life if I had stuck to my plans.
You sobriety should not depend on what someone else does, if you have found a solution to alcoholism. Unfortunately, quite a few alcoholics find it not too hard to stay sober while everything is going well. They don't see the need for an active program of daily living. Then something bad happens, and they turn immediately to their old solution.
If you are feeling like that, all I can suggest is you focus on your recovery plan if you have one, and get one if you don't.
One thing I have found so many times, when things are not working out as I would wish, God always seems to have something better in mind. I would have had such a second rate life if I had stuck to my plans.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
VN, hang in there.
don't know about you, but i couldn't stand myself anymore when i was drinking, and a big part of that was the constant running to drink as if it solved anything.
i wanted, desperately, to be 'real'.
and 'real' means heartache, pain, loss, upset, anger, desolation...as well as all the good stuff...and it means finding ways to be okay with those feelings .
reaching out is a great thing! do you have access to face-to-face people to reach out to to help you find a new solution?
don't know about you, but i couldn't stand myself anymore when i was drinking, and a big part of that was the constant running to drink as if it solved anything.
i wanted, desperately, to be 'real'.
and 'real' means heartache, pain, loss, upset, anger, desolation...as well as all the good stuff...and it means finding ways to be okay with those feelings .
reaching out is a great thing! do you have access to face-to-face people to reach out to to help you find a new solution?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Does he have new knowledge of something else you did while drinking that he just found out about? Regardless, you know drinking now will not change anything from the past, but will very much change the present and the future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
He's holding it over my head. I've been honest from the start about my drinking problem.
I can't tell you how great it is to have feedback from you all. Thank you so much. And no I have not gone to the bottle though frankly I've wanted to... Called my sponsor, she picked me up and we had a long talk over coffee. phew
I can't tell you how great it is to have feedback from you all. Thank you so much. And no I have not gone to the bottle though frankly I've wanted to... Called my sponsor, she picked me up and we had a long talk over coffee. phew
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
your BF gets to choose if he wants to stay in the relationship and if he wants to use something you did two years ago, well.....that's his right.
sometimes what happens with couples is that AFTER the drinking party sobers up, the whole dynamic changes and the other partner looses purchases, can't find their footing, and just bails out out a side window. it can go the other way too.......the now sober person realizes that the relationship was SUPER unhealthy and needs to pull away.
i am SO GLAD you chose to not make this a drinking event. and that you instead used your tools and resources.
don't "fight" your bf on wanting to break up, don't try to "defend" yourself......if he's gonna go, he's gonna go. and you WILL be ok.
sometimes what happens with couples is that AFTER the drinking party sobers up, the whole dynamic changes and the other partner looses purchases, can't find their footing, and just bails out out a side window. it can go the other way too.......the now sober person realizes that the relationship was SUPER unhealthy and needs to pull away.
i am SO GLAD you chose to not make this a drinking event. and that you instead used your tools and resources.
don't "fight" your bf on wanting to break up, don't try to "defend" yourself......if he's gonna go, he's gonna go. and you WILL be ok.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by VigilanceNow 
But my boyfriend is being really unfair.
you did something 2 years ago while drunk. were you with him two years ago?
when did he learn about what you did 2 years ago?
something you posted earlier:
"The strength of this program still gets to me.. it can and will work for you!! We are here and always will be"
reading your post over there, i assume the program of AA is what you are referring to.
what step are ya on?
what does your sponsor have to say about it?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Many human relationships are temporary...whether addiction is a factor or not. The reality is a person could decide to break up for a variety of reasons, past, present, drinking involved, or not.
But: the relationship with yourself...you'll have that going on till your dying day. That's the primary relationship to work on, really and sobriety is such a huge part of that. People come in and out of our lives. We can't always stop them from going, but sometimes we can. I'm not trivializing what's going on with your BF, but you will be okay, with or without him, really, you will....keep your sobriety intact no matter what.
But: the relationship with yourself...you'll have that going on till your dying day. That's the primary relationship to work on, really and sobriety is such a huge part of that. People come in and out of our lives. We can't always stop them from going, but sometimes we can. I'm not trivializing what's going on with your BF, but you will be okay, with or without him, really, you will....keep your sobriety intact no matter what.
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