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"I have never felt so much hate for one person, I hate my father "



"I have never felt so much hate for one person, I hate my father "

Old 06-13-2017, 02:18 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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"I have never felt so much hate for one person, I hate my father "

Hello guys,

I am new to this forum. I found it by googling "My dad is dead and I still hate him." The second link was SoberRecovery and it was a post by a HarryB who I felt was in the same situation. I decided to make an account in order to try to help my boyfriend(fiance). I am 25 years old and my bf is 24. He is an alcoholic and I love him to DEATH. All I want is to help him but I dont know how. Professional help is ouy of the question, he hates taking to people, he doesnt even to go to regular doctors appointments and also because we dont have any health insurance at the moment, or enough income.
Well, here it goes. His father passed away 2 years ago on January 2nd from Pneumonia. He was in the hospital for about two weeks before they pulled the plug on him. At some point his father requested all of his kids presence. My bf is the eldest of 4 and all went except for him and I understand him because I have a similar experience with my father.

Growing up his dad was very militant, old school hispanic father. He was taught at an early age he couldnt cry. He needed to do this not that. He was told he was stupid. He was beaten up by his dad. He would compare his children and make them resent themselves. He also left their mom and them for a year with no explanation at all. He came back and everything went from terrible to worse. They were all always walking on eggshells. He had to be perfecf. Go to school. Work. Be a man. Eventually, his dad left them for good and moved in with another woman. He left their mom with nothing. She couldnt afford to pay the mortgage and by that time my bf had juat graduated and eventhough he wanted to continue school and go to college, he had to work full time and pay the mortgage, as his mom had fallen into depression. A couple of days his sister had a get together with friends and cousins and they eventually brought up their dead father. The cousins started praising his father and as I watched him listen, it only made hom more angry. His muscles stiffed, he stood up and in the loudest but calm and with very caredully selected but powerful words he told everyone how much he hates his father.
Fast forward to the point of my thread:
I dont know what to say or do. He drinks every single day, drink after drink. Its only until about 10+ alcoholic drinks (hes a bartender) will he start feeling it. He drinks all the time. I can lie but I have behun drinking almost every single day with him. Although I dont enjoy it as much, I do like the feeling. But enough about me. We talked about what happened at his sisters get birthday party and he started crying od anger. I wanted to listen to him and I did but I had no idea what to say to him. He is too smart and he over anylizes everything. He draws parelled from almost anything, which tells me this anger he says he feels drags him down and haunts him EVERY SINGLE DAY. Thats why he drinks. His family doesnt give a single **** about each other. Only during birthday or funerals or when theur mother wants them to. He likes being alone and I feel like sometimes he just wants me gone but wont say it. I love him and I want to be by his side. I want to see him through all this because I believe there is a way out. I just need to help him find a way. And even help myself too. But right now I am worried about him. What can I do?
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Old 06-13-2017, 03:37 AM
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Hi and welcome NowordsGF

You posted in our chat admin forum, so I moved your post here to our newcomers forum

You'll find a lot of support and experience here

Have you discussed your concerns about his drinking - or do you feel he might get angry?

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Old 06-13-2017, 04:17 AM
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Hi NoWordsGF. It's really good that you have joined here and have realized that your boyfriend and you need help. There are several things i've taken from your narrative and, although i'm not a professional (therapist, etc) nor even very experienced in life issues (i'm 32) nor even very stable (alcoholic myself), I think I can contribute a little.

1. Your boyfriend definitely needs to start seeing a therapist. It's not easy for most people to open up about their innermost feelings and, from the way you've described him, it's likely to be much harder for him. I can relate because i'm more or less the same. There could be some cheaper options for therapy available... You need to do the homework on that. He had a very traumatic childhood and his drinking is just going to make it worse. He deserves a chance at a good, normal, life.

2. As passionate as you are about helping him, I strongly think and advise that you start thinking about your own health and put yourself first. If that means you breaking up with him if he's not responsive to your efforts to get help, then so be it. You've already started drinking daily with him. It can only get worse because, tbh, most people, when they start to drink, don't even like the taste much... until they do. And by that point, they're hooked. Of course, not all evolve into alcoholics but why risk it? Stop drinking with him altogether. And two card him about the therapy - so it's either he gets help or you're out. That will show you how much he loves YOU (after all, YOU love HIM 'to death').

3. To reinforce point 2, you cannot help an active alcoholic. You cannot be in a healthy relationship with an active alcoholic (who is not even willing to get help). They will only pull you down into the dark abyss with them. Do not even consider a long term serious relationship (marriage, kids) with an active alcoholic. Again, focus on yourself. You are very young and have a lot of life ahead of you. Don't waste it.

You've taken the first positive step coming here. Keep reading. There's lots of resources here. Both you and your boyfriend can pull through this (either together or separated) but it's going to take work. A lot of work and, perhaps, some difficult choices will have to be made. Don't make the wrong decision. You come off as very intelligent.

Best of luck.
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Old 06-13-2017, 07:16 AM
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I agree with Lava. A good support for YOU- in coping with his alcoholism- is Al-Anon. Support to you.
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