Anger, pain and fatigue.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,673
Anger, pain and fatigue.
Anger can be the fuel for productive, informed, proactive, emotional growth. It is not what I know, feel, think and understand- but what actions, as an adult I CHOOSE to take with these elements of my being.
When in hospital and living in a homeless hell, I reacted with a child’s fear- in my mind. I never was destructive to others- but the emotional and cognitive process was to lash out, fight, get even, cause pain to others- those I believed SHOULD have cared for me. Perhaps a natural response for any child who has suffered trauma.
I am not longer an emotional child. I am developing emotional maturity with many learned tools. Mindful breathing, moderate exercise, counselling, diet, meetings and so on.
I still find myself harbouring thoughts of anger to others. With the cold, clarity of adult rationality. That is all it is- rationale. I could sit on this- explaining to myself that my progress physically has been ‘miraculous’. My emotional, spiritual and cognitive processes are all much more highly functioning than even a year ago. There is no need for more ‘work’.
Such a thought leads to an important decision. Do I sit with this anger- do I accept this as part of how ‘adults’ view the world? OR- do I MAKE another rational decision to work very hard to remove this anger, in another step- another process of very difficult rebirth to better myself.
Such a path is likely to be just as hellish as the reactions of the child- But this time as an adult processing perceptions in the cold, hard light of reality. More pain, fatigue and anguish. More soul searching- exposing the ugly roots of this anger to professional friends and othes in meetings (with deference). Another exhausting trip into the dark place- with fear, fatigue and sadness.
I never thought this would be easy. Point of fact I expected it to be very, very hard. It was, it is and it will be . The choice is obvious. It is done, it really never was a choice but I did not want to accept this process. I commit to being a better person. There has been enough damage done. I have been, am and want to continue to grow, heal and find out who the hell I am. I hate this sometimes. Blame is pointless- growth is the key. At this point I will clarify this- it sucks, because addiction sucks and I hate myself for it.
When in hospital and living in a homeless hell, I reacted with a child’s fear- in my mind. I never was destructive to others- but the emotional and cognitive process was to lash out, fight, get even, cause pain to others- those I believed SHOULD have cared for me. Perhaps a natural response for any child who has suffered trauma.
I am not longer an emotional child. I am developing emotional maturity with many learned tools. Mindful breathing, moderate exercise, counselling, diet, meetings and so on.
I still find myself harbouring thoughts of anger to others. With the cold, clarity of adult rationality. That is all it is- rationale. I could sit on this- explaining to myself that my progress physically has been ‘miraculous’. My emotional, spiritual and cognitive processes are all much more highly functioning than even a year ago. There is no need for more ‘work’.
Such a thought leads to an important decision. Do I sit with this anger- do I accept this as part of how ‘adults’ view the world? OR- do I MAKE another rational decision to work very hard to remove this anger, in another step- another process of very difficult rebirth to better myself.
Such a path is likely to be just as hellish as the reactions of the child- But this time as an adult processing perceptions in the cold, hard light of reality. More pain, fatigue and anguish. More soul searching- exposing the ugly roots of this anger to professional friends and othes in meetings (with deference). Another exhausting trip into the dark place- with fear, fatigue and sadness.
I never thought this would be easy. Point of fact I expected it to be very, very hard. It was, it is and it will be . The choice is obvious. It is done, it really never was a choice but I did not want to accept this process. I commit to being a better person. There has been enough damage done. I have been, am and want to continue to grow, heal and find out who the hell I am. I hate this sometimes. Blame is pointless- growth is the key. At this point I will clarify this- it sucks, because addiction sucks and I hate myself for it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 753
Great post Phoenix,Thank you
When I was drinking I was immature and child like,lashing out and seeking revenge,blood boiling determined to hurt the perpetrators
Now sober I am trying to be more adult - digest it ,firstly are they important to
Me to warrant wasted anger on them ? Will my anger have any positive? Will it trigger something if I dwell
It's really difficult task as mental
reconditioning
To me at moment my sobriety is number one
I had a text today from a good friend and it was argumentative/provocative to say least - I read and decided no good would come of a angry text back ..turned the other cheek,makes me the better man as far as I am concerned - not stooping to that level 👍🏻
When I was drinking I was immature and child like,lashing out and seeking revenge,blood boiling determined to hurt the perpetrators
Now sober I am trying to be more adult - digest it ,firstly are they important to
Me to warrant wasted anger on them ? Will my anger have any positive? Will it trigger something if I dwell
It's really difficult task as mental
reconditioning
To me at moment my sobriety is number one
I had a text today from a good friend and it was argumentative/provocative to say least - I read and decided no good would come of a angry text back ..turned the other cheek,makes me the better man as far as I am concerned - not stooping to that level 👍🏻
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,204
Great post PhoenixJ, justifiable anger is a useful fuel that can be used to help us do difficult things that we might otherwise baulk at. If that anger curdles into hate then it becomes toxic to us.
I don't feel that you should be hating yourself for becoming an addict, had you known you would become one you likely would have been more careful (i'm sure that applies to most of us)
I have read a lot of your posts and I think you are doing amazingly well so don't be too hard on yourself.
I don't feel that you should be hating yourself for becoming an addict, had you known you would become one you likely would have been more careful (i'm sure that applies to most of us)
I have read a lot of your posts and I think you are doing amazingly well so don't be too hard on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
The PJ I know is kind, supportive, and funny. I see a fighter who has overcome difficulties, learned from his past, and who has unlimited possibilities for his future.
The PJ I know is amazing.
❤Delilah
The PJ I know is amazing.
❤Delilah
Gratitude Gardener
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
Hey Phoenix I really loved your share, and I also just like to read your posts. They are helpful to me in my early days, and your depth is very satisfying to read.
I want to share with you something I wrote today in my womens sobriety group... It may be helpful, and I wonder if you might try seeing it similarly?
"....In a way, however... actually, a very real way, I am seeing how that path was almost meant to be. Its hard to explain it, but living in the hell of alcoholism deepened me. Before alcohol became what it became for me I was filled with really deep insecurities. Anxiety problems. Etc.
Even then, I took a lot for granted.
After alcohol, now, as it is exiting my life, I am seeing a new ME that could not have been what she is without walking through that fire. I am seeing something really solid in myself that was never there before.
I know I could slip any day if I am not vigilant about this process and the commitment. I am aware of that.
I havent even really begun to unwrap the gifts that are waiting for me on this path, so I am in a place of deep gratitude for the sober NOW. And, gratitude for the sober future that awaits me. I know its going to be good. Challenges? SURE. At 43 years old Ive already lived through many new and strange hells in my life. There are more to come, sober or not. I am not naive.
But in sobriety I can so obviously deal with them better. I am already seeing that.
For example, yesterday I had to meet with my ex, which was exhausting (but not a wholly negative experience) early, I had a friend keep bugging me for company (and I told her several times I needed to finish a project and needed alone time), I had a minor family drama erupt at several moments and phone calls, AND I was triggered to drink. BUT AMAZINGLY... none of these stressors stopped me in my tracks! I STILL GOT UP AND CLEANED THE HOUSE (in the past I would have gotten drunk, or I would have laid in my bed for another week before attempting to clean.)"
I want to share with you something I wrote today in my womens sobriety group... It may be helpful, and I wonder if you might try seeing it similarly?
"....In a way, however... actually, a very real way, I am seeing how that path was almost meant to be. Its hard to explain it, but living in the hell of alcoholism deepened me. Before alcohol became what it became for me I was filled with really deep insecurities. Anxiety problems. Etc.
Even then, I took a lot for granted.
After alcohol, now, as it is exiting my life, I am seeing a new ME that could not have been what she is without walking through that fire. I am seeing something really solid in myself that was never there before.
I know I could slip any day if I am not vigilant about this process and the commitment. I am aware of that.
I havent even really begun to unwrap the gifts that are waiting for me on this path, so I am in a place of deep gratitude for the sober NOW. And, gratitude for the sober future that awaits me. I know its going to be good. Challenges? SURE. At 43 years old Ive already lived through many new and strange hells in my life. There are more to come, sober or not. I am not naive.
But in sobriety I can so obviously deal with them better. I am already seeing that.
For example, yesterday I had to meet with my ex, which was exhausting (but not a wholly negative experience) early, I had a friend keep bugging me for company (and I told her several times I needed to finish a project and needed alone time), I had a minor family drama erupt at several moments and phone calls, AND I was triggered to drink. BUT AMAZINGLY... none of these stressors stopped me in my tracks! I STILL GOT UP AND CLEANED THE HOUSE (in the past I would have gotten drunk, or I would have laid in my bed for another week before attempting to clean.)"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,673
Rainy- yes, the best button to push with angry messages- is delete. My point- informed action vs reaction.
Sao- perhaps part of my memories, negative feed-b was the norm. Positive? HA! I still baulk at the concept of self- love. At best I tolerate myself. That is what this next layer is about.
Dels- thank you. I find it difficult to see any worth in myself at times. On listening to a young lady with very distressing drug problems recently- I offered her careful support and just listened. She gave me such feedback as you, which I did not connect to. She asked me 'can you not see yourself through my eyes?'. Letting go of anger feels like the right path into perhaps appreciating more the comments from her- and you. I STILL appreciate it and embrace it btw, I just do not see myself as being that worthwhile. Go figure. Live on hamburgers- get fat,.
Herc (love the name) - yes there are rewards and challenges and gifts. Last year I was homeless, written off as mentally screwed, blah. Now I am much more insinc- emotionally and with my soul. Your words resonate. Thanks.
All from sobriety. My first same here was 'Icarus'. People here suggested my positive changes warranted a more positive name- and suggested Phoenix, which I embraced. Rather fond of it now- it is MINE!
Thankyou all. It helps me find a balance- which is why is put this scribble out there.
Sao- perhaps part of my memories, negative feed-b was the norm. Positive? HA! I still baulk at the concept of self- love. At best I tolerate myself. That is what this next layer is about.
Dels- thank you. I find it difficult to see any worth in myself at times. On listening to a young lady with very distressing drug problems recently- I offered her careful support and just listened. She gave me such feedback as you, which I did not connect to. She asked me 'can you not see yourself through my eyes?'. Letting go of anger feels like the right path into perhaps appreciating more the comments from her- and you. I STILL appreciate it and embrace it btw, I just do not see myself as being that worthwhile. Go figure. Live on hamburgers- get fat,.
Herc (love the name) - yes there are rewards and challenges and gifts. Last year I was homeless, written off as mentally screwed, blah. Now I am much more insinc- emotionally and with my soul. Your words resonate. Thanks.
All from sobriety. My first same here was 'Icarus'. People here suggested my positive changes warranted a more positive name- and suggested Phoenix, which I embraced. Rather fond of it now- it is MINE!
Thankyou all. It helps me find a balance- which is why is put this scribble out there.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Originally Posted by Delilah1 
The PJ I know is kind, supportive, and funny. I see a fighter who has overcome difficulties, learned from his past, and who has unlimited possibilities for his future.
The PJ I know is amazing.
❤Delilah
The PJ I know is amazing.
❤Delilah
Gratitude Gardener
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
Phoenix, I also want to say I loved that little (but PROFOUND) story about your screen name.
We have that greek-myth connection.
And in my case, I find it quite fortuitous that I chose Herculana, because the honest truth is that I wasnt even thinking about its mythical meaning at the time I chose it, I was thinking of the town in Italy where my true birth name comes from. That town is HERCALANO (named after Hercules. and an ancient town that is buried UNDER HERCALANO was called HERCULANEUM )... Anyway, it wasnt until maybe 6 days into sobriety that I realized the deeper meaning of the name.
I blame God <3
We have that greek-myth connection.
And in my case, I find it quite fortuitous that I chose Herculana, because the honest truth is that I wasnt even thinking about its mythical meaning at the time I chose it, I was thinking of the town in Italy where my true birth name comes from. That town is HERCALANO (named after Hercules. and an ancient town that is buried UNDER HERCALANO was called HERCULANEUM )... Anyway, it wasnt until maybe 6 days into sobriety that I realized the deeper meaning of the name.
I blame God <3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Out in the Stix of Southern Indiana
Posts: 2,784
Phoenix I'm not sure how many know your story. I know there is no way I can understand what you go through every day, every minute. You are not only dealing with the normal hell of an alcoholic's recovery, but add a thrillian more things that no one could understand unless they went there and I know you wouldn't wish that on anyone! I remember something I heard somewhere, You getting mad at someone is like you setting your house on fire to burn your neighbor's house down.(sorry about the fire thing but that's how it went). Meaning you getting mad just affects you. I don't know how you have done it but you've kept an awesome sense of humor, you seem like you still have your mind(most of the time), and you have helped countless people on SR and I know at AA meetings! I'm proud to call you my friend!
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