a question about manipulation from an enabler
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 110
a question about manipulation from an enabler
Day 3, woken up feeling a little bit more refreshed. Still not 100%, the brain fog is back, I also find my eyesight particularly bad for a few days after ive had a slip (even if just it was a one night thing) , and so prefer not to drive. I just don't feel my brain and eyes are keeping up with whats around me, I don't know if that makes sense.
Planned a day out with the children today though, still very much lacking any energy. But pushing myself to do it and hoping the fresh air and sun will help boost my mood a little.
My partner last night decided to have a few beers, I didn't have anything, and I wasn't tempted. Just kinda annoyed that he offered me one, when he has left me before if I didn't get my drinking sorted. His response was that I had been so much better that I probably am safe to have a couple, just don't go too mad.......really??!
I am trying so hard to explain to him that its all or nothing when I drink, I either don't drink and I don't think about it. Or I have one glass, no scrap that, one SIP, and it changes something in my brain within seconds, and all logic and reason is out the window and I want to drink as much as I can get my hands on. I just go into party mode, but for everyone around, it aint so much a party, its looking after a drunken annoying mess.
He is a smoker and he has no plans to quit and says that he doesn't think he could, and if I asked him to, then he would probably end the relationship as not something he wants to do. That's fine, I wouldn't ask him to, if he wants to smoke, that's his choice, I personally do not smoke, I gave it up years ago overnight and never gave it a second thought again. Easy. Ive tried explaining that although he finds stopping at one beer easy, he couldn't only smoke 1 cigarette and be content all day. Our addictions are different, but also the same, if he was to give up smoking but I stood infront of him of an evening smoking cigarettes I would find that totally unsupportive and disrespectful. He doesn't seem to see it as vice versa. Then offering me drinks?? Just doesn't add up in my head. So after a long story cut short, I wonder this...
Has anyone had the experience that you were almost kept drinking by someone, because when you messed up, they had the control. They could talk you down, make you grovel, get their own way as you are so ashamed of yourself. They make you promise to get better or they leave, so you spend weeks with your head low and trying to make amends,and then days or weeks later they are buying you booze?? I feel its a really manipulative move, and I wonder how much he wants me to really give it up for good, as he takes so much pleasure in seeing me fail. Am I in a power struggle? Is my brain playing tricks on me? Am I having distorted thoughts. Anyone else have any thoughts, I feel I'm battling 2 ogres here, the AV and the person I love that seems to speak to it and make it louder.
Planned a day out with the children today though, still very much lacking any energy. But pushing myself to do it and hoping the fresh air and sun will help boost my mood a little.
My partner last night decided to have a few beers, I didn't have anything, and I wasn't tempted. Just kinda annoyed that he offered me one, when he has left me before if I didn't get my drinking sorted. His response was that I had been so much better that I probably am safe to have a couple, just don't go too mad.......really??!
I am trying so hard to explain to him that its all or nothing when I drink, I either don't drink and I don't think about it. Or I have one glass, no scrap that, one SIP, and it changes something in my brain within seconds, and all logic and reason is out the window and I want to drink as much as I can get my hands on. I just go into party mode, but for everyone around, it aint so much a party, its looking after a drunken annoying mess.
He is a smoker and he has no plans to quit and says that he doesn't think he could, and if I asked him to, then he would probably end the relationship as not something he wants to do. That's fine, I wouldn't ask him to, if he wants to smoke, that's his choice, I personally do not smoke, I gave it up years ago overnight and never gave it a second thought again. Easy. Ive tried explaining that although he finds stopping at one beer easy, he couldn't only smoke 1 cigarette and be content all day. Our addictions are different, but also the same, if he was to give up smoking but I stood infront of him of an evening smoking cigarettes I would find that totally unsupportive and disrespectful. He doesn't seem to see it as vice versa. Then offering me drinks?? Just doesn't add up in my head. So after a long story cut short, I wonder this...
Has anyone had the experience that you were almost kept drinking by someone, because when you messed up, they had the control. They could talk you down, make you grovel, get their own way as you are so ashamed of yourself. They make you promise to get better or they leave, so you spend weeks with your head low and trying to make amends,and then days or weeks later they are buying you booze?? I feel its a really manipulative move, and I wonder how much he wants me to really give it up for good, as he takes so much pleasure in seeing me fail. Am I in a power struggle? Is my brain playing tricks on me? Am I having distorted thoughts. Anyone else have any thoughts, I feel I'm battling 2 ogres here, the AV and the person I love that seems to speak to it and make it louder.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Hi,
Before anything well done on 3 days, specially under these circumstances.
I don't know how else to put this, but in my view he s been an absolute loser and you need to tell him that. You are trying to do something hard that will lead to you being a much better person. If someone loves you, any reaction other than support or at the minimum respect is unacceptable.
Don't let this ruin your recovery, you are in control, make sure he understands that. If he insists on not respecting it than you deserve someone better.
Best wishes
P
Before anything well done on 3 days, specially under these circumstances.
I don't know how else to put this, but in my view he s been an absolute loser and you need to tell him that. You are trying to do something hard that will lead to you being a much better person. If someone loves you, any reaction other than support or at the minimum respect is unacceptable.
Don't let this ruin your recovery, you are in control, make sure he understands that. If he insists on not respecting it than you deserve someone better.
Best wishes
P
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Hello kel and welcome :-)
In my experience (limited at best, mind you) people have a very poor understanding of alcoholism and the fact that one drink - just as you mentioned - can trigger an onslaught of bad things. I want good things because omg have I seen the bad... Keep posting when you feel the urge to drink! We are here
In my experience (limited at best, mind you) people have a very poor understanding of alcoholism and the fact that one drink - just as you mentioned - can trigger an onslaught of bad things. I want good things because omg have I seen the bad... Keep posting when you feel the urge to drink! We are here
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Hi Kel, well done on 3 days
I think there's a tendency amongst normal drinkers to think that after we've abstained for a while, we can suddenly start drinking like they do. They seem to think that we've learnt from our past mistakes and from now on we'll know when to stop. They can have difficulty understanding that an alcoholic can be sober for 10 years but still can't ever have a sip of alcohol. Lots of my friends don't understand and as it took me a while to understand it (and I'm alcoholic) I guess we can't blame normal drinkers for not understanding how addiction works.
That said, my husband is a normal drinker and he does understand. I think there has to be mutual respect in a relationship. For that reason, I don't expect him to stop drinking and he in return understands that I can never drink. He never tries to pressure me to drink and if he did, that would be a massive problem for me.
Your partner doesn't seem to understand the enormity of what you're trying to do. It sounds like you've tried to explain it so I'm not sure what else to suggest. Maybe you just need to let him know that offering you drinks or pressuring you to drink is absolutely not on. Even if he doesn't fully understand the reasons why, he just needs to know that he has to stop doing it.
Have a great day with your kids today
I think there's a tendency amongst normal drinkers to think that after we've abstained for a while, we can suddenly start drinking like they do. They seem to think that we've learnt from our past mistakes and from now on we'll know when to stop. They can have difficulty understanding that an alcoholic can be sober for 10 years but still can't ever have a sip of alcohol. Lots of my friends don't understand and as it took me a while to understand it (and I'm alcoholic) I guess we can't blame normal drinkers for not understanding how addiction works.
That said, my husband is a normal drinker and he does understand. I think there has to be mutual respect in a relationship. For that reason, I don't expect him to stop drinking and he in return understands that I can never drink. He never tries to pressure me to drink and if he did, that would be a massive problem for me.
Your partner doesn't seem to understand the enormity of what you're trying to do. It sounds like you've tried to explain it so I'm not sure what else to suggest. Maybe you just need to let him know that offering you drinks or pressuring you to drink is absolutely not on. Even if he doesn't fully understand the reasons why, he just needs to know that he has to stop doing it.
Have a great day with your kids today
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, kel. Good work on staying sober. It isn't easy at times.
Just my take, but it sounds like your partner is using alcohol as the bat to hit you with.
Metaphorically.
Tell him to knock it off, that you are no longer drinking, and that he needs to quit shoving it at you.
Forget the rational discussion about smoking vs. drinking.
This is your sobriety we are talking about here.
It's hard won. Guard it carefully.
Just my take, but it sounds like your partner is using alcohol as the bat to hit you with.
Metaphorically.
Tell him to knock it off, that you are no longer drinking, and that he needs to quit shoving it at you.
Forget the rational discussion about smoking vs. drinking.
This is your sobriety we are talking about here.
It's hard won. Guard it carefully.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Kel,
3 days is great. I was a riddled mess at 3 days. I was still detoxing for sure.
From the sober side, dealing w a spouse that drinks routinely was my wifes speciality
She would basically leave me be, do her thing. Go out sometimes w out me.
If I got too drunk she would get mad at me.
She would say...I can tell you are drunk by that weird smile...so, I tried not to smile.
I bet as you continue to heal things are going to change.
Stay clean.
Thanks.
3 days is great. I was a riddled mess at 3 days. I was still detoxing for sure.
From the sober side, dealing w a spouse that drinks routinely was my wifes speciality
She would basically leave me be, do her thing. Go out sometimes w out me.
If I got too drunk she would get mad at me.
She would say...I can tell you are drunk by that weird smile...so, I tried not to smile.
I bet as you continue to heal things are going to change.
Stay clean.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I think a lot of us have partners and old drinking buddies who want us to keep drinking, or at least are scared of the change in routine. Also, I early days we can be pretty miserable and maybe they just want to make us feel better and don't realky get the fact that we can't have one or a couple (and actually wouldn't want to). I certainly had that experience. That's why getting to meetings and spending time (in meetings and meeting for coffee or going for a walk or round the shops) with other alcoholics in recovery as so important for me.
Keep at it.
BB
Keep at it.
BB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 110
ive made it to 1 week sober again, building the weeks back up!!
I don't mind other people drinking as such, its not their fault I cant stop once I start. But I think its the offering me a drink, like seriously...... then complaining when I go too far. The first drink is the problem, not the last.
It does seem that he uses my weakness as a control tool, if I'm constantly messing up, then he gets to sit that little bit higher on his horse. I'm gonna call it what I think it is and that's emotional abuse to me. ive spoken to him and said that he cannot tell me that he wants to leave me because I have in the past drank too much, whilst I work my arse off to give up, and then offer me drinks, its not fair. He either wants me to quit (like I do) or he doesn't, there isn't scope for anything else, no moderating or being sociable, or nights off the wagon. I'm doing my absolute best and he needs to support me or leave.
so we shall see. considering its been 1 week since I drank I still feel awful anxiety, shame and guilt wise. Perhaps because I am still getting over the disappointment in myself. However its been the anniversary of my husbands death this weekend and my partner is going away for 2 weeks and I feel just very vulnerable and emotional about everything. anyway, just an update as I am here!
I don't mind other people drinking as such, its not their fault I cant stop once I start. But I think its the offering me a drink, like seriously...... then complaining when I go too far. The first drink is the problem, not the last.
It does seem that he uses my weakness as a control tool, if I'm constantly messing up, then he gets to sit that little bit higher on his horse. I'm gonna call it what I think it is and that's emotional abuse to me. ive spoken to him and said that he cannot tell me that he wants to leave me because I have in the past drank too much, whilst I work my arse off to give up, and then offer me drinks, its not fair. He either wants me to quit (like I do) or he doesn't, there isn't scope for anything else, no moderating or being sociable, or nights off the wagon. I'm doing my absolute best and he needs to support me or leave.
so we shall see. considering its been 1 week since I drank I still feel awful anxiety, shame and guilt wise. Perhaps because I am still getting over the disappointment in myself. However its been the anniversary of my husbands death this weekend and my partner is going away for 2 weeks and I feel just very vulnerable and emotional about everything. anyway, just an update as I am here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 110
i have plans, taking kids out during the days, and i have a stack of books i want to read, and i really enjoy getting into bed early and putting a movie on in the bedroom and just chilling. things i dont do when my partner is here, so there is an up side.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I hear everything that you are saying. This sounds like a tough dynamic to be in and I hope that you are able to put yourself first. Your health and life are important. Perhaps the space/ two week break will give you solid thinking time to figure out your needs and requirements for living a healthy sober life?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
