First post - Pills, denial, and acceptance? (Redo)
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,786
Welcome to the family. 
There have been a lot of problems of that sort lately and it is suggested you copy your post so you can paste it in to a new post if your original post gets lost.
I have no experience with pills, but I hope our support here can help you get clean for good.
There have been a lot of problems of that sort lately and it is suggested you copy your post so you can paste it in to a new post if your original post gets lost.I have no experience with pills, but I hope our support here can help you get clean for good.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 88
First post - Pills, denial, and acceptance? (Redo)
(My second attempt after losing the first one)
Hello Everyone,
Where to start? I am currently about two weeks free of a long and painful 2 month tramadol taper. The 2 weeks since have been even more difficult. I was only taking 100mg (a fairly low dose), but after 8 or 9 years, the drug can gain quite a grip (Quite a dirty little drug with some pretty awful withdrawals). A few weeks prior to that, I had also quit adderall, and other than some fatigue plus lack of energy/motivation, this was not too difficult. I am still currently taking 0.5mg of klonipin, and would like to taper off of that, but right now my anxiety is just way too high due the extended tram withdrawal, so it will have to wait.
When I was younger, I was always very curious about pills effect on mood and the mind. I loved experimenting, and as the story usually goes, experimenting turned into recreation. There was a point about fifteen years ago, where I realized that my opiate used was getting out of hand. I never used very high doses, but was beginning to use too frequently. Although I enjoyed benzos on occasion as well, I had realized that opiates were the one thing that could, and already was beginning to take a grip on me. I eventually wised up, and quit. Although it was uncomfortable, and I had some cravings, and mood swings for a bit, it really wasn't terribly difficult.
Fast forward a few years. I discover tramadol. It was like the perfect drug. I mean it wasn't even a controlled substance at the time, and you could easily order it off of the internet. Sure it was technically a 'lite' opiate, but I wasn't thinking about using any other opiates, and had no desire to. It made me feel good, gave a mental energy boost, confidence, and an overall sense of well being. I basically used them like my little 'glass of wine' after a hard day (as wacked out as that might sound). Around this time I even started getting my life together. I went back to school, obtaining a difficult degree and eventually a good job. I wouldn't attribute any of that to tramadol use, but it certainly wasn't hurting. They made me feel pretty good, and didn't seem to have any obvious negative consequences, so I continued taking them. I figured that one day, I would eventually suck it up, do a quick 2 week taper, feel like crap for a bit, and then move on with my life. I mean I had come of methadone and norcos. How difficult could tram be? I underestimated this drug.
Fast forward to my last couple years in school. My whole schedule was all out of wack (always had insomnia issues anyway) and melatonin was no longer working. So I started out on sleeping pills and eventually benzos. I had taken them in the past and quit without too much trouble, so wasn't too concerned. I mean I couldn't function at school or work if I wasn't sleeping, right? Now fast forward to my last year in school. I was on a particular rotation that was way more difficult than I could have possibly imagined. It was killing me, and I was burning out fast. I had taken adderall for a bit during my first collegiate experience, and also stopped that without too much trouble, so decided to get a script to give me a little boost and help with my focus. I actually took less than half of what was prescribed (usually 10-15mg daily), and decided to continue taking it through my first job since it helped my focus and attention.
I never really considered myself an addict (as crazy as that might sound), because I never used in excess, never upped my dose, wound up in jail, a ditch, or a hospital due to my pill use. I had many friends that crashed and burned so hard because they went overboard and lost control of their usage. Jail, ruined marriages, ODs, ect. I was in control! I never used in order to get hammered or wasted. I was being productive. They were my little helper pills, I suppose. I feel like me being somewhat of an atypical drug user (I think.. am I?), has made it difficult for me to admit an addiction. I feel like I have a split personality with one half of me saying I'm an addict and I need to get help, while the other half is saying I'm just a very disciplined drug user who became dependent on certain meds, and probably just made some pretty poor decisions. But right now, my brain is so messed up from this post-acute tram withdrawal, I don't even know what to think. My days have just been filled with intense anxiety and some pretty deep depression. A few months ago, I lost my job which certainly isn't helping matters. I can't even imagine trying to get another job right now, as my brain attempts to re-wire itself from years of tramadol use. For those of you who don't know, besides hitting on opiate receptors, tramadol also acts as an SNRI as well as hitting on a few other receptors, so it's like coming off of codeine, plus effexor and who knows what else all at the same time. Pretty awful (a very dirty little drug).
I'm not sure if drugs have messed up my life, and I don't necessarily mean this in some kind of religious sense, but I feel like they have messed up my soul, and probably altered my personality. I never became a bad or mean person on these drugs. I don't think they really affected me that way, but I just became kind of amoral and lacking in empathy and emotion. I became more prone to isolating myself, or at least keeping people at arms length. Whether or not I can admit to myself that I'm an addict, I do know that I want to live my life without drugs and find "Me" again. I don't know whether I want or need to call myself an addict, but am quite certain I need to work on my recovery. I just have no idea where to start. Lately I've just been so depressed and filled with anxiety. I can't even think about going out and looking for another job right now, since my brain feels so messed up from all of the re-wiring it is currently undertaking after years of tramadol use. Maybe just writing this all out will help me start the process. I'm certainly open to thoughts and suggestions. Thanks for reading.
Hello Everyone,
Where to start? I am currently about two weeks free of a long and painful 2 month tramadol taper. The 2 weeks since have been even more difficult. I was only taking 100mg (a fairly low dose), but after 8 or 9 years, the drug can gain quite a grip (Quite a dirty little drug with some pretty awful withdrawals). A few weeks prior to that, I had also quit adderall, and other than some fatigue plus lack of energy/motivation, this was not too difficult. I am still currently taking 0.5mg of klonipin, and would like to taper off of that, but right now my anxiety is just way too high due the extended tram withdrawal, so it will have to wait.
When I was younger, I was always very curious about pills effect on mood and the mind. I loved experimenting, and as the story usually goes, experimenting turned into recreation. There was a point about fifteen years ago, where I realized that my opiate used was getting out of hand. I never used very high doses, but was beginning to use too frequently. Although I enjoyed benzos on occasion as well, I had realized that opiates were the one thing that could, and already was beginning to take a grip on me. I eventually wised up, and quit. Although it was uncomfortable, and I had some cravings, and mood swings for a bit, it really wasn't terribly difficult.
Fast forward a few years. I discover tramadol. It was like the perfect drug. I mean it wasn't even a controlled substance at the time, and you could easily order it off of the internet. Sure it was technically a 'lite' opiate, but I wasn't thinking about using any other opiates, and had no desire to. It made me feel good, gave a mental energy boost, confidence, and an overall sense of well being. I basically used them like my little 'glass of wine' after a hard day (as wacked out as that might sound). Around this time I even started getting my life together. I went back to school, obtaining a difficult degree and eventually a good job. I wouldn't attribute any of that to tramadol use, but it certainly wasn't hurting. They made me feel pretty good, and didn't seem to have any obvious negative consequences, so I continued taking them. I figured that one day, I would eventually suck it up, do a quick 2 week taper, feel like crap for a bit, and then move on with my life. I mean I had come of methadone and norcos. How difficult could tram be? I underestimated this drug.
Fast forward to my last couple years in school. My whole schedule was all out of wack (always had insomnia issues anyway) and melatonin was no longer working. So I started out on sleeping pills and eventually benzos. I had taken them in the past and quit without too much trouble, so wasn't too concerned. I mean I couldn't function at school or work if I wasn't sleeping, right? Now fast forward to my last year in school. I was on a particular rotation that was way more difficult than I could have possibly imagined. It was killing me, and I was burning out fast. I had taken adderall for a bit during my first collegiate experience, and also stopped that without too much trouble, so decided to get a script to give me a little boost and help with my focus. I actually took less than half of what was prescribed (usually 10-15mg daily), and decided to continue taking it through my first job since it helped my focus and attention.
I never really considered myself an addict (as crazy as that might sound), because I never used in excess, never upped my dose, wound up in jail, a ditch, or a hospital due to my pill use. I had many friends that crashed and burned so hard because they went overboard and lost control of their usage. Jail, ruined marriages, ODs, ect. I was in control! I never used in order to get hammered or wasted. I was being productive. They were my little helper pills, I suppose. I feel like me being somewhat of an atypical drug user (I think.. am I?), has made it difficult for me to admit an addiction. I feel like I have a split personality with one half of me saying I'm an addict and I need to get help, while the other half is saying I'm just a very disciplined drug user who became dependent on certain meds, and probably just made some pretty poor decisions. But right now, my brain is so messed up from this post-acute tram withdrawal, I don't even know what to think. My days have just been filled with intense anxiety and some pretty deep depression. A few months ago, I lost my job which certainly isn't helping matters. I can't even imagine trying to get another job right now, as my brain attempts to re-wire itself from years of tramadol use. For those of you who don't know, besides hitting on opiate receptors, tramadol also acts as an SNRI as well as hitting on a few other receptors, so it's like coming off of codeine, plus effexor and who knows what else all at the same time. Pretty awful (a very dirty little drug).
I'm not sure if drugs have messed up my life, and I don't necessarily mean this in some kind of religious sense, but I feel like they have messed up my soul, and probably altered my personality. I never became a bad or mean person on these drugs. I don't think they really affected me that way, but I just became kind of amoral and lacking in empathy and emotion. I became more prone to isolating myself, or at least keeping people at arms length. Whether or not I can admit to myself that I'm an addict, I do know that I want to live my life without drugs and find "Me" again. I don't know whether I want or need to call myself an addict, but am quite certain I need to work on my recovery. I just have no idea where to start. Lately I've just been so depressed and filled with anxiety. I can't even think about going out and looking for another job right now, since my brain feels so messed up from all of the re-wiring it is currently undertaking after years of tramadol use. Maybe just writing this all out will help me start the process. I'm certainly open to thoughts and suggestions. Thanks for reading.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
welcome cellar door - I merged all your threads into one - you'll get more response and it's leas confusing that way.
I felt very keenly that I'd lost myself to addiction but I rediscovered the real me again, after a little while. I'm sure you can too
I have no experience with tramadol - are you working with a Dr or just coming off them yourself?
D
I felt very keenly that I'd lost myself to addiction but I rediscovered the real me again, after a little while. I'm sure you can too
I have no experience with tramadol - are you working with a Dr or just coming off them yourself?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 88
Thanks, Dee74. I tapered off of them myself, and now it's done. I don't really have any cravings other than just occasionally wanting to take something to feel normal, and kill the depression and anxiety. I do have some medical knowledge as I work in that field, but don't want to go into any more details for anonymity reasons. I appreciate the words of encouragement.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,680
Any addiction sucks. Mine was booze- plus over the counter chemist codeine stuff for hangovers and to enhance the booze. Got way bad. Then after my burns they put me on tramadol and about 9 million other things- including ketamine. It was sheer hell. I in the end opted for the pain...The point being chemical addiction is real and horrible and crappy. There is a lot of support here. I could not walk this path alone. God knows- I tried so many times- with sincerity- to prove I had the willpower. Which is pointless, the point is for me- to never drink again. BTW apart from my single a-d, daily- I take no meds. Daily- regular f2f support is what I mean, for me- AA meetings, doc, psychologist, addiction counsellor. Been sober 15 months now- and I was written off- literally. So even the damned can turn their lives around- BUT it takes work and effort. It does not happen because of wanting/wishing it to. Luck is not part of it.
Empathy and support to you. Join some of the threads- 24 hour report in, Whiner's- whatever. Interaction with others is good- to learn, share- be part of a real community.
Keep posting and welcome- a brave thing to do.
Empathy and support to you. Join some of the threads- 24 hour report in, Whiner's- whatever. Interaction with others is good- to learn, share- be part of a real community.
Keep posting and welcome- a brave thing to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 88
Thanks for the reply, PhoenixJ. Congrats on 15 months! I'm realizing that I can't really do it alone either, which is one reason I'm posting here. It's tough, because I've always had strong willpower, and been very independent. Also talking to a counselor who has experience with addiction. It's great to hear any kind of success story. Glad you are experiencing a successful recovery. The thing with the trams, is that even though many go through the depression and anxiety of PAWS with regular opiates, I feel like the main WD I'm experiencing now is due to the wacked out anti-depressant properties of tramadol, so that depression is compounded. I've actually been thinking about getting on an AD just to recovery from the void this antidepressant has left. Might talk to a p-doc, hopefully one who actually understands the nature of tramadol. It's tough, though. I mean it's a gamble. Do i want to slow the recover of what this drug did to my brain by adding something else and slowing down the healing process. Or just try and ride it out as an anxiety filled depressed zombie for the next few months, HOPING it will go away by the time all my hair has turned gray. I want to heal naturally, but right now am kind of non-functional. I wouldn't be opposed to some kind of meetings. I know I've developed bad habbits, and do need to work on some kind of recovery to find myself again. At the very least, it would keep me busy moving forward in the right direction and distract my mind. Anyway, time for bed. Get to look forward to another day of being insane..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 88
Sorry if any of that came off overly negative. I am just in need of hope right now. Denial is a powerful thing, and when you're depressed, it's even harder to think straight and trust your own thoughts. Any recommendations for books on healing and learning to find yourself again?
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