About to say F it....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
If someone had told me I would face redundancy 3 times, break up of my relationship, moving house, 2 deaths and not drink, I would have laughed at them.
But I did.
I got through it.
I admit that some days I cried non stop.
Some days I stayed in bed all day so I could hide away from the world.
Other days I had extreme anger but I would distract myself the best I good. Walking and running helped immensely when an angry thought popped into my head.
But I NEVER drank.
Today I am proud of myself for the way I managed and coped through these horrid times.
When no-one else had been proud of me, it didn't matter.
I was proud of myself and that was all that mattered.
In time I went to bed sober and happy and proud of what I had achieved - another sober day in done in a challenging environment.
I also viewed situations and asked myself 'is that person, job, feeling, argument, situation so important that it justifies me drinking?'.
Nothing was that important.
I understand your kids are really, really important, but drinking to deal with your ex is fruitless.
Just take care of yourself now.
This will not last forever.
I wish you the best xx
But I did.
I got through it.
I admit that some days I cried non stop.
Some days I stayed in bed all day so I could hide away from the world.
Other days I had extreme anger but I would distract myself the best I good. Walking and running helped immensely when an angry thought popped into my head.
But I NEVER drank.
Today I am proud of myself for the way I managed and coped through these horrid times.
When no-one else had been proud of me, it didn't matter.
I was proud of myself and that was all that mattered.
In time I went to bed sober and happy and proud of what I had achieved - another sober day in done in a challenging environment.
I also viewed situations and asked myself 'is that person, job, feeling, argument, situation so important that it justifies me drinking?'.
Nothing was that important.
I understand your kids are really, really important, but drinking to deal with your ex is fruitless.
Just take care of yourself now.
This will not last forever.
I wish you the best xx
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: US
Posts: 264
In 4 years she will be 18 if you are drinking or not. Thing is if you stay sober for 4 years you could begin a beautiful relationship with a beautiful young women. It most be so very hard for you and for that I am so sorry. Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
This does sound like a terrible situation, but going off the rails will do nothing but prove to your ex, your kids, and the courts that you are an out of control drunk that doesn't deserve to be around them.
Do the right thing and prove them wrong. Stay sober, get into rehab, whatever it takes. Not only for your kids, but for yourself.
Do the right thing and prove them wrong. Stay sober, get into rehab, whatever it takes. Not only for your kids, but for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Badger, I feel your pain SO deeply. I am in a very similar situation. I am glad I came on and saw this tonight.
I don't really know where to start so I'm just going to jump right in.
You can read my blog under my user name, my one and only post will give you a good idea of how my situation started.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...014-day-4.html
I'll share a little of what has been going on in another recent post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6427057
Also, my 12 year old daughter has talked to me twice only in the past year and almost a half. The courts can't and won't order her to spend time or talk with me. It is very possible that the laws vary as I'm in Canada. But I am represented by a lawyer and her father is representing himself, and my lawyer advised me even that they wouldn't pursue matters like that. It was up to her and her dad.
My son is very different than my daughter obviously, so this is another struggle in this whole scheme of things.
I wanted to share with you some of my takeaways from my experience thus far in the ongoing saga in my world.
AND first say, that is so awesome that you came and posted here first. That is huge. In my blog post- I wrote about how I didn't reach out at all for anything but a bottle.
You aren't alone.
I wanted so badly to fix things and as quickly as possible (very much addict thinking).
It turned out things would draaaaag on and then everything would hit me upseide the head all at once with the court case. I am a province away with my little one, so I have only been to the first hearing before I got a lawyer to represent me.
So, over time and slowly putting some chunks of sobriety together through this, my attitude and thinking changed a lot.
I pulled out so much patience, much more than I ever thought I would have.
Legal proceedings like this draaaag on forever.
I learned to harness as much support as possible IRL on and around court dates. Those were often relapse times for me. They aren't any more.
I stopped having expectations. Not having low expectations- cause that is still an expectation. Instead I gathered up my strength, and I kept hope.
I learned to box things up through a lot of work, like counseling, and treatment I went to, and just life long experience with mental health struggles and general life. And boxing things up in the way I mean is different than stuffing or repressing them. It's an internal housecleaning and organizing. People, places, and things go in different boxes, kept where they need to be until which time I may need to take them out and deal with them. Or until they need to be tossed. It's how I keep from being consumed by grief, shame, guilt, resentment or other thoughts and feelings. I keep myself in a safe box. I let only in what I feel I can handle.
Acceptance is a big thing for me that I work on every day. I can't control a lot of what's going on. I can't control that my daughter won't talk to me or that she's living in a toxic environment that is making all this worse. I can't control that my son wants to be here right now because the courts won't allow that.
I know I have complete control over myself. I am useless if I don't take care of myself and that goes so much deeper than just not drinking. I know things will change for the better if I start by changing myself.
Accept the crappy feelings. Accept you have no control over the external circumstances. Keep your side of the street clean. Live in hope instead of despair, squeeze out all your gratitude for all you have now and give yourself and your life a good place, mind and heart to continue to grow in a good way.
Be kind to yourself, you are not the past and you are not what the court dictates and what your family thinks about you or how they treat you.
You can't give love out if you are living in resentment and misery. Love yourself first so your cups overflows and you can give it away. You don't have to stop loving someone just because there is no contact. Put yourself in their shoes and try and find empathy and understanding for where they are at so you can give them space and be at peace with both your journeys. Do it without going down the rabbit hole, do it with love
Be patient. be kind. This is not easy, not easy work at all. I struggle often, But I am not consumed by it every day anymore. I pray a lot and journal a lot. I stay ready for contact if contact comes. I love anyways.
My journey, my actions and my reactions are mine and mine alone to choose.
So are yours. You are strong and you willfind that you will get stronger with time.
I could say a lot more I am hoping I could send you some strength and some of my experience, so you know you're not alone and you CAN and WILL get through this. PM me anytime at all if you want to talk further.
Sending you so much love and strength.
Del
I don't really know where to start so I'm just going to jump right in.
You can read my blog under my user name, my one and only post will give you a good idea of how my situation started.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...014-day-4.html
I'll share a little of what has been going on in another recent post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6427057
Also, my 12 year old daughter has talked to me twice only in the past year and almost a half. The courts can't and won't order her to spend time or talk with me. It is very possible that the laws vary as I'm in Canada. But I am represented by a lawyer and her father is representing himself, and my lawyer advised me even that they wouldn't pursue matters like that. It was up to her and her dad.
My son is very different than my daughter obviously, so this is another struggle in this whole scheme of things.
I wanted to share with you some of my takeaways from my experience thus far in the ongoing saga in my world.
AND first say, that is so awesome that you came and posted here first. That is huge. In my blog post- I wrote about how I didn't reach out at all for anything but a bottle.
You aren't alone.
I wanted so badly to fix things and as quickly as possible (very much addict thinking).
It turned out things would draaaaag on and then everything would hit me upseide the head all at once with the court case. I am a province away with my little one, so I have only been to the first hearing before I got a lawyer to represent me.
So, over time and slowly putting some chunks of sobriety together through this, my attitude and thinking changed a lot.
I pulled out so much patience, much more than I ever thought I would have.
Legal proceedings like this draaaag on forever.
I learned to harness as much support as possible IRL on and around court dates. Those were often relapse times for me. They aren't any more.
I stopped having expectations. Not having low expectations- cause that is still an expectation. Instead I gathered up my strength, and I kept hope.
I learned to box things up through a lot of work, like counseling, and treatment I went to, and just life long experience with mental health struggles and general life. And boxing things up in the way I mean is different than stuffing or repressing them. It's an internal housecleaning and organizing. People, places, and things go in different boxes, kept where they need to be until which time I may need to take them out and deal with them. Or until they need to be tossed. It's how I keep from being consumed by grief, shame, guilt, resentment or other thoughts and feelings. I keep myself in a safe box. I let only in what I feel I can handle.
Acceptance is a big thing for me that I work on every day. I can't control a lot of what's going on. I can't control that my daughter won't talk to me or that she's living in a toxic environment that is making all this worse. I can't control that my son wants to be here right now because the courts won't allow that.
I know I have complete control over myself. I am useless if I don't take care of myself and that goes so much deeper than just not drinking. I know things will change for the better if I start by changing myself.
Accept the crappy feelings. Accept you have no control over the external circumstances. Keep your side of the street clean. Live in hope instead of despair, squeeze out all your gratitude for all you have now and give yourself and your life a good place, mind and heart to continue to grow in a good way.
Be kind to yourself, you are not the past and you are not what the court dictates and what your family thinks about you or how they treat you.
You can't give love out if you are living in resentment and misery. Love yourself first so your cups overflows and you can give it away. You don't have to stop loving someone just because there is no contact. Put yourself in their shoes and try and find empathy and understanding for where they are at so you can give them space and be at peace with both your journeys. Do it without going down the rabbit hole, do it with love
Be patient. be kind. This is not easy, not easy work at all. I struggle often, But I am not consumed by it every day anymore. I pray a lot and journal a lot. I stay ready for contact if contact comes. I love anyways.
My journey, my actions and my reactions are mine and mine alone to choose.
So are yours. You are strong and you willfind that you will get stronger with time.
I could say a lot more I am hoping I could send you some strength and some of my experience, so you know you're not alone and you CAN and WILL get through this. PM me anytime at all if you want to talk further.
Sending you so much love and strength.
Del
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