Natalie724

This is awful. And it's no surprise. Nothing changes, It's like I actually enjoy being in pain ?? I don't get it..
I had four years clean just over a year ago. I went to rehab, moved to a sober living house, the works. It's like I've done it before, and I know it's possible but I have no hope and I feel like I am at a new low. Before I got clean I had gotten 3 DUIs. Since I have relapsed, in this last year, I haven't had any run ins with the law....until last night...
I had drank two pints of vodka and half a bottle of wine (I'm a 115lb female btw) and was completely incoherent and driving and lost and swerving (so grateful I didn't kill someone) and I got pulled over and the police officer had me call someone to come get me......omfg!!!! I was certain when I saw those lights that I was going to jail. I don't understand why he let me go, but he did, and I cannot keep screwing around. Seriously.....if that's not some kind of gift or wake up call or both... I don't know. But I need help. And I know I can't do it alone. I'm not a huge 12 step fan because faith based but should I just overlook that??

Bird615

My bottom came when I just could not stand living that way anymore.

A 12-Step program saved my life, but then I was desperate to try anything that might help me at that point. I wasn't about to turn down a life preserver thrown my way because I didn't like the way it looked.

I didn't have much faith when I started, but I sure do have a lot of it now.

AnvilheadII

sounds like you could maybe use a little "faith"? i'm not saying you need religion or to get born again, but just FAITH that there is a better way to live, faith that getting one's life and deeds sorted out isn't a BAD thing, and faith that you truly are deserving of a life that is happy, joyous and free.

LadyinBC

I would say yes. I am not religious either, but I went to AA anyways. All you need to find is one thing that makes sense to you and run with that. By the time I was ready to get sober I was willing to do ANYTHING to stay sober. That is how I had to change my thinking. "what am I willing to do to stay sober".

One of the best things I did for myself was to get a drug and alcohol counselor. Is this something you can do?

Coldfusion

Hi Natalie!

AA is a spiritual program, not religious. I go to one AA meeting that is agnostic, so maybe you could find one near you also. The other AA meeting I attend is prayer-based, so I can understand your reluctance. But I always find something useful at all meetings.

Natalie724

Yes, I have an appointment with a counselor later this month but unfortunately I had to wait three weeks for the appointment!! I have a crappy HMO. I absolutely see the value in professional treatment. Thank you for the advice!!

tomsteve

"I'm not a huge 12 step fan because faith based but should I just overlook that?? '

I would suggest learning what the program and that faith is about before writing it off.
personally self will and faith in myself kept me drunk. in order to get and stay sober I needed to have faith is something outside of myself.that faith started with the fellowship of AA- those that had recovered from alcoholism. I had faith that if they could do it then so could i.

Forward12

That sounds like one hell of a wakeup call, you could have killed someone or yourself. If rehab worked before, it might not be a bad idea to give it a go again.

JustTony

If AA isn't for you (not for me either) then have a look in here? You might find something that resonates?

Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Berrybean

I used to ask myself "Am I at the bottom yet?" Eventually I found out that our bottom is wherever we make the decision to stop digging.

I go to AA and usually find that I'm the only Christian in the room. In the UK most people in AA have a HP that is completely removed from a religious God. And they seem to manage okay. My sponsor and her best buddy have over 40 years sobriety between them and neither are at all religious. What have you got to lose?

Besides, there are lots of things you can add into your own recovery plan. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

resolute50

Hi Natalie,

Welcome to SR.
Many of the ole timers here will say the bottom comes when you stop digging.
And the way out of the hole is by asking for help.
Sounds like you need to build up a support system. When I first stopped into this website almost 4 years ago, I had just relapsed as well.
Thought I would give it a chance. Talking with folks that had been through what I've been through. Fight the same demons I did.
And overcome them.
You can do that as well.

FreeOwl

You're not a 12 step fan because it's faith based?

Are you a prison fan? Prison isn't faith based. It's law-based. They'll be more than happy to throw you in there for a very long time when you kill someone.

Here's the thing; you just narrowly escaped prison and possibly killing someone last night. can you look at that as an example of SOME kind of power intervening in your life? You don't have to buy into anyone's version of 'god'. Just a higher power.... maybe that officer who let you go can be yours for now.

Don't let his gift to you become his biggest mistake.

Don't go prove that what he ought to have done is slapped you in cuffs and sent you to prison.

Get sober. Change your life for the better. Use every tool you can, including AA.

When is your bottom going to get here? When you decide to make it your bottom and stop resisting things you're 'not a fan of' and instead start doing everything it takes to change your life for the better.

FreeOwl

also one more thing; most people I know who have long term sobriety and joyful sober lives share a common trait; they stopped saying "it's not for me" and became willing to openly embrace "what parts of it might be for me, in support of sobriety and a better life".

From what you describe, you're going to need significant change and you're going to need to take advantage of many sobriety tools and support.

least

I would not recommend continued drinking, waiting for the 'bottom' to arrive. Because it will, in one way or another. If you quit drinking now, you can avoid future heartache, as well as legal trouble.

Let this be your bottom and start climbing up toward the top.

MIRecovery

When I was willing to do absolutely anything to get sober i learned to listen and listened to learn. AA has a solution if you want it. If not it will still be there when you do.

Sobriety is not about what we want it is about what works. My best thinking almost killed me so I decided to listen to someone else's thinking.

Hercules

My rock bottom arrived when I woke up after another binge and every voice in my head was screaming at me to hang myself and get it over with quickly as possible as continuing to drink was no longer an option as it was just to painful..
Thank god I listened to the almost silent voice that said give it one more go you can do this.!
I hope you find recovery again x

PippoRossi

Natalie, sweetheart, you can do this. Like you, I recently had 4 years sober and then started drinking like mad last November. Last Saturday I drove to my mom's house pretty much drunk (never, ever did that before in my life). I told myself, "What's the big deal? She lives in my subdivision and it's only a 2 minute drive." When I got there she kept asking me how much I had to drink. The next day I lied and told her it was some medication I had been on and I had an adverse reaction. She said she had been afraid to let me drive home! Can you imagine? I don't remember driving home - how scary is that?!?! Yes, it is only about a 2 minute drive, but it's through a subdivision with very windy roads. I don't know how I made it! That was my rock bottom. I'm done with this sh!t. Time to get myself right. I hope you can, too. ****{hugs****** to you, dear one.

Eastcoaster20

I see people almost everyday sentenced to jail for killing someone while driving under the influence. Listening to the victims families speak at the sentencing is a powerful and usually brings everyone in the courtroom to tears. Run, don't walk, to whatever support system you need to remain alcohol free. Those people I see heading off to jail carry a heavy burden that will last until they take their last breath. Worse than any jail sentence could ever be. It is not worth the risk.

Dee74

Welcome Natalie

I waited for an event that would make me stop drinking too...now I understand that 'bottom' is really a decision - a decision not to live that way one second more.

You can make that decision anytime you like - and you'll find the support and encouragement here to help you stick to that decision

D

Grymt

I got so drunk one evening that I don't remember leaving home. I came to when there were three strange faces in the windscreen. It dawned on me that I had driven into a pole and these people were trying to push the car. I started the car and backed off and we waved goodby and I blacked out again. I came to driving down a major streeet with a cop car on my tail with the lights flashing. They drove up next to me and were shouting at me to pull over which I did. I got out and they searched me and the car. I didn't have my licence with me so they told me to take a taxi home and to bring the licence into the station the next week so when I got home I rang my mum and asked her to go and pay my licence and send it to me. When I got it I took it around to the station and showed it and that was it. I was in my early 20's and hadn't hit rock bottom yet. I fell through the cracks once again. I have no idea why I kept falling through the cracks. I've done that all my life. It didn't wake me up. It made me distrustful. I learnt how to dodge the bullet. I started to get some faith when the difference between blind faith and rational faith was explained. My sobriety became very self sufficient. I had to become strict with myself and learn the faith that something that seems to last forever that I cannot cope with will pass and I can cope is true. That sort of faith is what works for me.