Gr8ful22

Quickly approaching 9 months of sobriety, I have taken interest in things that are keeping me busy and healthy, and more importantly I am enjoying these things in my life. My wife expressed concerns today with the hobbies I have chosen, citing a financial burden with my hobbies, which really is not the case. I think I probably spent more drinking, I just did not share those figures when it was happening.

Guess you can't make everyone happy, going to keep focusing on myself. Thanks for letting me vent.

AnvilheadII

this could be a good opening for you both......perhaps she needs a "tour" of these hobbies....what you are doing, how you feel engaged, and any pride you feel in accomplishment. perhaps she needs to see your skills and talent coming back to life. perhaps you could encourage HER to explore her own hobbies or passions or interests.

i suspect she's been watching over the finances for a long time, and takes ownership in that role. perhaps this could be a time for you both to sit down and review ALL the finances, and she can share her concerns with you?

be open, be willing, be loving.

Gr8ful22

Thanks, Anvil. Great points, I have invited her to attend things with me, and she is not interested, and I handle 100% of the finances, she does not want to touch them, never has. Hence my frustration.

Anna

Hmm, I wonder if you sometimes do things that she likes to do? Maybe the issue is about spending time together, rather than the money aspect? I think that open communication is going to help you through this.

Soberwolf

Nice job on 9 months sober Gr8ful22

Gr8ful22

Thanks!

queenofheartz09

Great job on 9 months ! I hope you wife comes around and can see that having hobbies that are healthy for you even if they cost a little bit more ( even though i know you said they are not ) are a lot better than drinking ! I think Anna might be right about how maybe your wife wants more time with you ?

Mattq2

Hey gr8,
You and I have about the same sober time. I ve been married for thirty years. Lately I've really started to find myself. Doing things diffrently then I ever have. All of it is possitive in every way. I am a diffrent person now nine months sober.

I do consider it must be odd for my wife. She only knows the drunk me. She's trying to get to know this new guy around the house that is always sober. It got to be weird!

I don't know about you but I owe my wife a great deal. She put up with more sh#t from me then any women should.

You think she's just trying to get used to the new you?

SilentKnight

Iike starting over, remember what it was like to first date her. I am sure the alcoholism as taken a toll on your relationship. New way of life that is sober

teatreeoil007

Good job on healthy hobbies!! Hopefully she will adjust.

Done4today

Congrats on 9 months!!! great accomplishment!!! not a lot of us make it to the 9 month. Keep doing whatever it is that keeps you sober.

Berrybean

Maybe it's not a case of 'winning' or 'losing'. It's a partnership after all, not a competition. Can you perhaps find a way to adjust the focus onto crossing the line together?

I've been with my partner 25 years now, and things can occasionally go from irritable to snarky at a very quick rate if I feel like he's criticising me in any way when I'm not on top of my recovery work, and on a bad day can let this turn into a bout of nastiness. Sometimes his concerns are justified and other times not. Same the other way round. I think it's sensible to keep expectations realistic and nowadays I do try not to expect constant approval or 100% support for every single thing I want to do. He's entitled to an opinion that's diffrent to mine after all. And I'm entitled to not agree with him. No need for a row if we can just agree to disagree. Maybe that's just us though.

What to you think is rattling you about her 'concern'? That she has one? Or that she's had the audacity to voice it? Or that you might not be able to do what you want to do? Sometimes it's worth asking ourselves these questions (you don't need to tell anyone else the answers by the way) as that increased self awareness can really help us in the long term with our recovery. I use this Humility Prayer as a tool to identify what might be driving me when I get a case of the rattles...

Humility Prayer.

God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the DESIRE of being:
admired, loved, praised, favoured, accepted, consulted, well known, and honoured. (Think Ego!)

I pray for your help in detaching from the FEAR of being:
Criticised, ridiculed, humiliated, falsely accused, persecuted, disbelieved, despised, and forgotten.

Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I, praised when I am unnoticed, chosen though I may be set aside, preferred to me, and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.

Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,
The courage to change the person I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

mecanix

Hey Gr8 ,
From what you've written i hear that your wife is concerned about finances and this is coming over as criticism of spending on hobbies.

Part of getting sober for me was and is developing sober behaviour in all areas of my life ..
i still binge on hobbies , box sets, computer games all kinds of things but i've put the work in to make myself financially sober and secure now and in the future.

This means different things to different people.

For me it means no debt, loans store cards outside of a mortgage.

Having an emergency fund equivalent to 1 months spending in cash in the home safe.

Having cash savings in the bank/building society/ credit union savings account of 3-12 months expenses.

Putting my pension contribution to at least 20% inclusive of company match invested in a whole market index fund .

To me this makes me feel financially secure, sober and responsible.

As an active alcoholic my life was full of self defeating financial behaviour, living for the day, living pay cheque to pay cheque. Using high interest credit to buy mid and small ticket items.

You might have done the above or even bettered me , giving my partner, giving myself financial security as best i can has turned finances into a source of comfort, peace and security rather than discomfort , discord and insecurity.

Regards, m