TiredIvy

Good day to you all. I have been surrounded by addicts of all kinds my whole life. I am good at having them go away. My mother died when i was in early 20s, my ex was kicked to the curb years ago, my mother in law has very limited exposure to my household. I tend to remove addicts from life. Their whirlwind hurts to much and i am not strong enough to set those boundaries and not try and fix. Now i realize my sister is on this path, and i am so bothered by it. I am tired of her excuses and blame on her life chaos. I feel dragged down by it, but yet i know that i should not. Any guidance/techniques on how to set those boundaries without eliminating the person from your life would be greatly appreciated.

Maudcat

I am so sorry. Dealing with addicted family is very, very hard. No advice, but lots of support.

TiredIvy

Thank you for your kind words.

Alan6154

I can only speak from personal experience. No one could fix me, no one could tell me what I should or needed to do. Not family, not friends, nobody...Until I made up my mind that I didn't like the version of me that I'd become.

The best you can do is be there for them when they do sincerely decide to make a change in their life. You sound wonderful, they are lucky to have someone who cares so much.

TiredIvy

It is very difficult to watch someone you love self destruct. I tend to protect myself from the pain of watching it. Now even though i know i cant fix it, it still hurts. Sometimes caring less makes it more barriable, which is sad in it's own way. I would like to continue caring without having to eliminate the relationship. I have a feeling that this will be one of my most difficult life lesson. How to let go of what i can control versus absolutely letting go. Thank you again for your wise words.

Anna

I hope that your sister decides to stop drinking and change her life.

I'm glad you came here for support.

TiredIvy

me too, me too and me too. Thank you so much!

Dee74

Hi Ivy

Like others have said you'll find a lot of support and understanding here from people who know how you feel

Welcome!
D

TiredIvy

Thanks D!

Done4today

Welcome TiredIvy,

I have a sister that is an alcoholic/addict. We used to drink together a lot. Before I attempted sobriety I had to set boundaries on my sister. One thing I learned was don't set boundaries you're not going to keep.

Good luck and many prayers.

teatreeoil007

It can be a bit depressing...when someone you love is on a destructive path. The question was asked once: "How do I care for people who are depressed without becoming depressed myself?."

Because the fact of the matter is our atmosphere does have an impact on us to an extent. What we're around. What the people around us are like, etc. And, if it's someone you dearly love, well, how can that not get to you?

The answer that was given to the above question was this:

"Don't buy into it."

Is that too simplistic of an answer? Maybe. The lady that asked the question didn't really like that answer. She said, "What do you mean 'just don't buy into it' "?! And again, he said, "Just don't buy into it." He didn't say, "Don't care, don't listen, don't support." When you buy into something you are taking it further and letting yourself get a bit sucked in.

It's true that the addicts we care about can pull us down if we're not careful. I've got my MIL coming tonight and she's upset because my BIL told her something recently while under the influence that she didn't like hearing-even though there was some truth in what he said to her. She's tried to pull my hub into it and he just set a firm boundary with her. "Mom, I don't want to get into this with you. That's between you and so and so. Leave me out of it." Ok. Well, she didn't like THAT either. She tends to play one kid against the other and my hub just won't buy into it...at ALL. Good for him.

I am one of the worst co-dependents on earth in getting sucked into to peoples' stuff. I naturally have a sympathetic ear and others pick up on that and before I know it they are telling me stuff I don't really need to know and people ARE interesting....but sometimes, I just need to know where it gets unhealthy for me and let go. I just can't fix everything.