sameoldsameold

Hello everyone

Life has been very busy indeed with work and family activities. It makes me wonder when I found the time to be hungover. Drinking was always possible as I could do this at night when the children were in bed but hangovers are very time-consuming and at the 'wrong' time of day.

Anyway, I am well and sober. I haven't thought a lot about drinking if I am honest as I have had so much going on. That is great of course but the time will come.

I have put a bit of effort into a plan. In the past, I have made BIG (and very vague) plans but have utterly neglected the detail. This time I am thinking carefully about the simple but vital things such as: Quick and decisive responses to invitations to drink. Previously I have made this very complicated, trying to find a way of declining an offer without hurting people's feelings and yet without drawing attention to the fact I might have a problem. Messy and ineffective!

This time, for example, I am simply saying that I am on a major health and fitness kick - no alcohol allowed - which is also true. 'How long for?' people ask. 'Oh, maybe a year or so' I say. They tend to lose interest then. End of conversation usually. Much easier on me!

Anyway, I have found that preparing for such moments is helping me a lot.

I haven't been around SR much because alcohol has been quite far from my thoughts and I haven't wanted to think about it to much. But, it has been a few weeks now (roughly) and I know that sooner or later that will change and I will need more support. I am also fortunate that a close friend has recently decided to quit drinking. He wasn't a big drinker and had a perfectly serviceable 'off button'. He just decided that he didn't much like it anymore and stopped without any fanfare or angst - just went off it. However, he is proving a very good companion and support. A very positive guy.

So, sorry for so little in the way of contact. I hope you will forgive me for just these occasional visits. I might suddenly need much more from SR of course. Hopefully one day I will contribute much more to SR but right now I seem to have a regime which is doing me pretty well while I build sober muscles. I think if I didn't have my pal to speak to I would be here much more often of course. I feel very fortunate to have him around.

I wish you all very success in your own journeys and once again, thanks for being there. I will check in again in the next week or two for sure.

SOSO

Maudcat

Sounds good, sameoldsameold. I found that, when I stopped drinking, i had to change up other aspects of my life as well. We eat out a lot less frequently. Too much booze around, and it's boring. As to pubs, well, no point there.
We were never part of a big drinking group, so that didn't change much.
But...as I said in a way earlier post, I had to accept in heart and mind that I just couldn't drink alcohol anymore. Life got much simpler when I did that. Peace, and good luck going forward.

sameoldsameold

Heart and mind. Yes. So far I think I have partially managed this. I can say it and I can mean it but it also feels rather fragile still.

As a binge-drinker, spending 2 or 3 weeks sober is great - but not at all unheard of. I hope to really begin to get comfortable with the idea of myself as a non-drinker one day but I think it will take a lot longer than a few weeks, of course!!!

Thanks so much Maudcat, appreciate it.

MLD51

Once I surrendered completely to the fact that I could not moderate, that I wasn't a different or special kind of alcoholic who would be able to drink normally again someday, it was rather simple. Not easy, but simple. And a huge relief. I can't say that I never think about having a drink, but the urge passes quickly when I say to myself "you don't drink anymore."

The reasons for my decision to quit are messy and complicated, but actually making the decision was surprisingly easy. I remember the moment clearly when I truly surrendered. It felt completely different than all the other times I had decided I should quit. Hard work has gone into staying sober for over two years, and I have no illusions that I can stop working, but being sober is so much better and easier in every way that I have a lot of faith I will never go back.

Keep busy, SOSO, but also keep in mind that having a plan and working it is probably a necessity for long-term sobriety. Simply staying too busy to drink might not be enough of a plan.

thomas11

Just wanted to chime in...I also have declared I'm on a health kick. People ask me for how long I tell them until I'm 60 yrs old (I'm 49).

sameoldsameold

Thanks a lot MLD51.

Yes, I am working pretty hard on a plan this time. Staying busy is certainly not the plan, that has just been a facet of life and a reason why I have not been to SR much. Though it has helped me get a few weeks under my belt.

I know I have not yet reached a clear moment, different to all the other, previous moments! But I figure I can either wait for that moment sober or drinking and I am trying to do the former. I am hoping of course that the investments I am making in myself will one day bring me to such a moment of certainty (or as near to it as one can hope for).

For now, I need sober time and lots of it an that is what my plan is about... for now.

Thanks again, really appreciate it.
SOSO

sameoldsameold

Love it! Thanks Thomas11

sameoldsameold

Well, just checking in again....

Still sober and still ok. The weeks are passing by! That said, I still feel like I am in the very early days of just building a bit of sober time.

My plan (simplified version) is to plan my time each day, do productive things mixed with some purely recreational things, set little goals, eat, drink and sleep as well as I can - though my coffee appetite is high at present!
I am also pretty sharp on how to deflect invitations to drink and am sticking with the simple, clear 'health kick' explanation.

Not thinking about 'forever' at all, just working through each day as it comes. I feel pretty good and pretty happy but the main thing I feel is focused. Not too euphoric nor celebratory - neither anxious nor craving. Just focused.

I think soon I might lift my head a bit more and think more about what is around me and ahead of me. Just for now though, continued abstinence and a decent daily routine feels like a goal in itself. I feel like I need a few more weeks or maybe months of just teaching my mind and body that there is no binge coming anytime soon. It is a new pattern for me and still feels bit like 'new shoes' if you know what I mean.

All the best to everyone out there and thanks for reading.

PhoenixJ

all the best to you

FreeOwl

Hi.

I encourage you to turn that name into something new.

The same ol same old won't work. Nor will 'trying to come up with a workable plan'.

What will work is choosing sobriety, making a commitment to it, and taking daily action in support of that choice and commitment.

I was where you are.

Now I'm 44 and in my 4th year sober.

Life is good. Really good. And I don't miss drinking one bit. It took some hard work at times. It took AA and therapy and lots of changes and smarter decisions on my part. But it got easier and it got better and now my cherished life is more than I ever imagined.

Alcohol clouds, distorts and robs us of that.

You can do this.... but don't try to come up with a plan. Choose to embrace sobriety with all you've got.... and DO it.

sameoldsameold

Thanks Free Owl, kind of you to reply.

I really feel like I am doing pretty well.

My username reflects the despondency I was feeling when I rejoined in December. It certainly isn't my philosophy for the future. :-) Not sure if you can change your username but I might well do if allowed. Though it can be a good reminder of why I want to change things.

I am guessing your quotation about the 'trying to come up with a workable plan' comes from one of my previous posts. Where I am now is that I have a plan. It is clear and simple and covers time-structuring, dealing with temptations and how and where to get some camaraderie and support.

I am less than 4 weeks sober. I could talk about really embracing and choosing sobriety but they would really just be words to me at this stage to be honest (and I am really trying to be honest). I can tell that when you say those words they are really meaningful, honest and authentic. If I said them right now, they would be something of a gesture. The one thing I have never done previously is to make a plan - and I have always failed. This time I have a plan. That is my version of taking daily action and following your advice to 'Do it!'

But I really am investing in my sober life. I am doing things I haven't done for years, keeping new company and dusting off old hopes and aspirations too.

I am very optimistic. I can feel that weeks of sobriety are starting to settle my mind and body. But as a binge-drinker, 4 weeks abstinence means I have only avoided one or two drinking sessions and that is why it feels like such early days. I think if I were to make any major assertions about the future right now, I wouldn't believe them! And I really need to believe in what I am doing.

Thanks again, Free Owl. I really appreciate your input.

bimbott

This!

FreeOwl

I'm glad you're doing well!!

I want to respond to something you said:

"I could talk about really embracing and choosing sobriety but they would really just be words to me at this stage to be honest (and I am really trying to be honest). I can tell that when you say those words they arereally meaningful, honest and authentic. If I said them right now, they would be something of a gesture. "

I understand. Because at the outset for ME, too, they were something of a gesture.

But I did it anyway and I did it every day. Because it was not just a gesture, it was a statement of affirmation and of intent and of faith.

It was vision.

Having a plan is a good thing indeed.

Having a strong vision for that plan is also a very powerful thing. To me, it was THE critical thing.

It was easy for me to scrap the 'plan' when things got a little trying. It was far less simple to set aside the vision that I'd used as a mantra of intent.

I embrace sobriety. I choose to live my life as deeply, fully and joyfully as possible.

A statement like that might 'feel' like it's just a gesture - but the more you say it, the more you choose it, the more you live it.... the more real it becomes.

Try it.

Go look yourself in the eyes in the mirror. Look into yourself fully and say it "I choose to live my life as deeply, fully and joyfully as possible. I embrace sobriety as a means of doing it"

Try it for a week.

It'll cost you nothing. It'll feel a little goofy at first. But there is a you inside of you who will respond to it..... I promise.

sameoldsameold

Thanks Free Owl - will keep you posted! :-)

sameoldsameold

Well, we are closing in on May and my last drink was early March.

This is the longest I have gone for a long time. I have no real cravings and no desires to drink. Though, at times (and being honest) I feel somewhat wistful that I was unable to find a way to drink socially. Sometimes I drift to thinking about idealised evenings shared with friends over a cold beer - but I know they are just that - idealised - not real. I never really managed them before and surely would not manage them now. They are just illusions.

My actual sober life is going pretty well. I have tired my best to take advice from FreeOwl and to talk to myself in a positive way which affirms the path I have chosen. It is indeed starting to feel more natural and authentic to identify myself as a sober man. To others, I am still on a health kick as it is just easier. Though, at times, it must look like a funny old health kick as I keep getting cravings for salty, fatty or sweet food and lots of it!

I have my plan. I have my 'bolt holes' to run to if I need to, both real and psychological, and I do use them occasionally. I am still structuring my time pretty carefully and I can't see that changing for a long time. The ability to be truly spontaneous seems like a long way away yet. Being spontaneous always meant the same thing for me in the past so I am still keeping a pretty tight rein on my routines and plans, but that is fine. I am quite enjoying the structure.

My body has been up and down. Seemingly insatiable cravings for caffeine, sugar, salt and fat have come and gone at various times and I have not fought them too hard, for now. All in all though, I know I am feeling much better than when drinking and all I have to do is go back to some of my earlier posts to get a flavour of how it was for me before.

It still feels like VERY early days for me but I am embracing a new life and it is coming...slowly.

I find, at this moment I am really struggling to be around other people's struggles and issues. That feels very selfish and ungracious but, just at this moment, I just sort of can't do it. I am sure in time and with burgeoning sober muscles I will be able to but currently, even reading about relapses and such seems to erode my still quite fragile positivity and confidence. I am sorry about that as others have contributed much to my threads and I am struggling to do the same at present. So for now, if you are reading this and struggling please accept my very best wishes. I truly hope you find some traction and start to make real progress.

Thanks for reading .

Dee74

great update sameoldsameold - keep going!

D

August252015

All of your posts are very thoughtful.

In addition to the good comments already posted, I will add one - that used to drive me bonkers when my dad made it to me, when I was still drinking.

Thoughtfulness - thinking - overthinking....kept me drinking. I had many similar observations and footnotes and explanations of every aspect of pretty much everything....and it was all noise til I quit drinking. It kept me focused on everything but the very simple fact that I needed to quit.

My best to you.

Soberwolf

Congratulations

Maudcat

Thanks for the update, sameold. You sound good!
When I first became sober, I had a lot of trouble with the idea of never drinking again. Like you, it made me sad that I couldn't drink normally with friends and family.
Drinking had been a part of my life since becoming an adult. It comforted me when I was sad or stressed. It was my friend.
Well, not so much, as it turns out.
It damaged my body, made relationships rather fraught, and, in the last days, utterly controlled me.
I found it helpful mentally to flip the script a little. Instead of saying "I can't drink ever again," I said, "I am not going to drink today. "
It was truly one day at a time for me.
But, as you know, one day becomes another, becomes a week, then a month.
Before you know it, you are looking back at 60 days or whatever without a drink.
It's a process, like so many things.
Peace.

sameoldsameold

Thanks for the replies folks.

Maudcat, yes, I am pretty good, thanks. I am enjoying life - not that it is all blissful and easy because it isn't. But because it is getting ever clearer and more real, more visceral. I am learning about myself daily. And 'daily' is my way at present. I figure if you look after the day really well then the years will take care of themselves, so to speak. Though I am, for the first time in my life, beginning to identify myself as a non-drinker - not just someone 'on a break'.

August252015, thanks for your post. Much appreciated. Yes, it is a double-edged sword, thoughtfulness isn't it? When I was drinking, my brain was active, hyper-active at times, but what was going on was usually a constant, disorganised rumination - either the aftermath of a session or some kind of internal justification for the next drink. I was also a morass of feelings - mainly negative ones.

My drinking version of 'thoughtfulness' was, I can now see, just me experiencing my brain in constant panic trying to soothe itself or to rationalise destructive behaviour.

Now I find my thinking is clarifying, simplifying and strengthening as the weeks go by. It makes me somewhat less vulnerable to impulses, feelings, urges. But, as I keep saying, still early days. I am acutely aware that, as a former binge drinker, that complacency is something I need to be very aware of.

Thanks again for your kind contributions including Dee and Soberwolf for your good wishes.