Imworthit

Hello everyone. I was a member of this board from February - June, 2012, 4 months. At that time I had been an alcoholic for at least 12 years. I was a functioning alcoholic meaning that I went to work during the day and restricted my drinking to the evenings. I would usually drink about 6 tall cans (500 ml or 16 oz) of premium 5% alcohol beer. I was really unhappy with myself, carried all of the guilt and more of what I was doing. I was really frightened that I had damaged my health beyond repair. I had all sorts of alcohol abuse related symptoms including right side liver pain, fatigued all of the time, waking up in the middle of the night after the alcohol wore off and being unable to sleep afterwards. One day in early February, 2012 I had a bit of an emotional breakdown. It had been building for some time. It was on a week day, mid day, I was standing on the corner thinking of what I had become and what a disappointment I would be to everyone who cared about me if they were to know that I am an alcoholic. I started to cry a bit, tried to hide it as much as I could and went back to my office. It was at this time that I decided to stop this **** and that's what it is **** and straighten myself out. I joined this site and basically spilled my guts. It was very helpful disclosing my alcoholic behaviour to others. I was a regular poster for about 4 months. I was able to stay sober ( really not a drop) for 2 1/2 years!! all by myself. I did a lot of soul searching and reflection. I was honest with myself about what was happening, what I missed out on, how it may have affected others and where I was and was not heading. At the end I genuinely accepted that alcohol abuse harms me and only benefits the manufacturers and sellers of alcohol products, for me it was primarily beer.

All of the other symptoms disappeared over time and I lost about 40 pounds of weight from not drinking any more beer and eating a healthy diet and in appropriate quantities. I regularly received comments from persons who knew me about how good I was looking. I noticed the positive change in my appearance as well. My face looked bloated or heavy in earlier photographs. I had spend several months at a hospital helphing someone (nothing to do with alcohol) and had the opportunity to notice several persons admitted with alcohol related health problems - serious ones. This only furthered my conviction never to drink again!!

Fast forward to May, 2014.

Imworthit

Fast forward to May 2014.

Although I was able to stave off drinking for 2 1/2 years I often had urges to have a beer, but I was always able to say no and keep going. My saying or thing was "There's nothing in it for me accept pain genuine worries and embarassment." Then on the long weekend in May, 2014 I was driving past a restaurant /bar and thought "just this one time and that's it". Well I have been drinking again every day since. I have tried to stop unsuccessfully several times. I have stopped for a week or two and even one month one time.

I drink on average about 6 tall cans (500 ml or 16 oz - 5% alcohol) of beer every night.

Every morning or actually middle of the night I wake up and promise myself that that was the last time and I am not drinking anymore. I keep that conviction to about 5:00 p.m. and on my way home I pick up the 6 tall cans of beer and start the cycle all over again. I have been doing this every night since May, 2014.

I try to hide it from my wife. I do not drink around or in front of her. I usually secretly drink in the garage or the basement or whereever she is not around in the house. She knows that I drink heavily and has told me so. Its so silly I secretly or not so secretly drink 6 cans of beer everynight and try to hide it even when I know that she knows but does not see me and knows that I hide. The empty beer cans accumulate in the cellar and I try to return them for a refund on a weekly basis before too many accumulate.

FreeOwl

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Welcome back.

Life is so much better sober, isn't it???

You can jump back into life and do so with a renewed vigor and conviction that SOBRIETY is the richer, more rewarding, deeper and more joyful way to live.

You can do it.

Imworthit

I am so embarrassed by all this. I am a self employed professional with a responsible job and a family. I have a wonderful, hard working wife and a 12 year old child. I am risking my health and everyone's wellbeing in so many ways. I am always reminding myself that this drinking WILL lead to my premature death for sure. Everyone who does not stop will kill themselves with the effects of the ongoing excess consumption. I feel so guilty and bad about myself. I do not understand why I cannot just say no and stop this **** when I know how bad it is. I have done so much reading about the effects of alcohol that I feel like I could be an authority on the subject.

FreeOwl

hey I was a responsible, respected, successful corporate executive with two kids and a house and a dog and all the trappings of an 'upstanding' citizen.

and I was stuck in addiction to alcohol and drugs for years.

don't waste time on embarrassment.... put all your focus into the change. Build your sober life back up, stronger this time, on a solid foundation.

Shame and regret and kicking yourself won't do any good at all.

Imworthit

I am 53 years old. I have told myself that if I do not stop immediately I will not be around to see my child go to university, get married and live his life. There are so many health risks with excessive alcohol abuse all of the usual ones and now there are more and more studies coming out linking alcohol with many differenct cancers. 3 - 4 years ago you really had to research and research to find any mention of alcohol and cancer and it was many liver cancer and liver cancer came from liver cirrhosis. So you kind of felt safe if you did not have cirrhosis of the liver. Not any more. It seems like you can get cancer anywhere in your body that comes into contact with the alcohol that you drink and is processed out by your body. Yet with all of this I still drink heavily every night.

FreeOwl

flip the story....

instead of the doom and gloom of what if I keep drinking...

Start focusing relentlessly on all the glorious things you will GET in a life of presence and health and awareness and quality time spent with your family and self-knowledge and wisdom and growth and true EXPERIENCE of this blessed gift of life as a human being.

Sobriety isn't an end.... it's a means to the REAL end that we've been avoiding all along; celebrating every last breathing laughing smiling wonderful SECOND of this life we're given.....

Imworthit

To illustrate my dumb mindset. My ideal Sunday afternoon is one where I go out to the beer store and buy about 8 tall cans of beer to consume in the late afternoon and evening. My wife is at home doing her usual chores and my son is playing one thing or another. A warm family atmosphere. I like to cook and I like to cook healthy meals from scratch. I am a trained chef, but I do not work as one. I took the courses at a leading college just out of personal interest. I am actually employed in one of the two main professions. Anyways, I start to cook Sunday's dinner for my family Sunday afternoon while my wife is upstairs doing her chores or out grocery shopping or whatever and my son is playing one thing or another. I start at about 4 p.m. and drink and cook and drink and cook. By the time 8:30 p.m. rolls around I have had all eight beers and I am ready to pass out. I have adapted to drinking heavily and can compensate somewhat.

Imworthit

I wake up Monday morning miserable because its Monday and because of the waste of all of the drinking. Mondays are usually very difficult days for me. I think the alcohol's depressive effects are overwhelming me. I have found myself going home early from work on Mondays for no reason other than not liking my work. I then reflect and go to work on Tuesday and look forward to the weekend the sooner the better.

When I have stopped using alcohol by about the 2nd or 3rd day I have actually come to realize my fuzzy, jumpt mindset and thinking habits of the time prior when I was drinking. You cannot tell from the outside, but on the inside I can. I also seem to have an issue with short term memory loss. The proverbial where did I leave my keys when I dropped them somewhere only 2 minutes ago. Maybe this is due to the lack of sleep. I only get about 4 hours of sleep each night although I am in bed from 10:30 p.m. to 6:30 a.m. I regularly wake up at 2:30 a.m. from the alcohol and cannot sleep anymore.

Imworthit

FreeOwl, Thank you for your replies. I am reading them carefully and making an effort to appreciate that what you are saying is genuinely true and helpful in setting off in the right direction from this ugly haze of alcholism.

Maudcat

Good luck. Im. Welcome back.

thomas11

Hi, I agree with freeowl on much of what he said. I would offer the same advice. I've captured the above because I was self employed as well and found myself in the exact same pattern. Its not good. So much productivity is being lost. My work was and is the most important thing to me, I have no kids. And alcohol ruined most of it (temporarily). You've had sober time, you know what it takes, I support you 100%. Go for it.

Imworthit

Today, March 8, 2017 marks the day that I am doing what I have been saying that I will do since May, 2014. No more boozing!!!! No more drinking!!!!! No more hiding beer around the house. No more hiding empty beer cans or half empty beer cans around the house, forgetting about them and being so embarassed when they are discovered by my wife.

Tonight I will drive straight home after work. No stopping at liquor store to buy another 6 tall cans of beer to waste the night and my life away. I will be at home tonight and do something productive and positive that I can be proud of and not have to hide. I will wake up tomorrow morning happy and feeling good and proud just because I have finally did the simple but most important thing of saying and doing what is right.

I will wake up day after day after day from now on and feel and sleep better each night as more and more of the alcohol and its effects is washed away from my body.

Imworthit

Hi Thomas. Thank you. I have a close friend that I went to school with. He is now at the top of the profession. He is considered one of the best in his field in Canada and the U.S. Tons of positive praise for him and everyone in the field who is a who's who knows him or of him. He is head of his department and I suspect he makes around $750,000.00 per year at least. Then I look at myself and wonder where did it all go? I think that I pissed alot away along with beer.

thomas11

Be careful about comparing yourself to others, it can be depressing. This is your journey, and no two are alike. My alcoholism caused me an injury so severe I had to sell my company and spent a year healing. I've now started a real estate practice and am in the early phase. But I'm sober and confident I will not "lose work" because of alcohol....ever. Good luck to you. Did you make it home last night without buying 6 tall cans of beer?

MsCooterBrown

I think as hard as it is the focus needs to be shifted to what you can do to REPLACE the drinking time. I am no expert....but in my sober times this is what works. I hate the disease. And family members that didn't get hit with the alcoholic wand do NOT understand. I think I have managed to anger some neighbors as well as family members. Turning it all around now. Playing the tape forward as they say!

bexxed

Hi Imworthit!

Did you make it home without stopping at the liquor store?

Thanks for your posts. So true. There's no such thing as "just one".

You can do it.

B

queenofheartz09

I also wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep when I used to drink it's awful ! I defiantly don't miss that! Stay strong

Dee74

I think you're made a great decision to stop I'mwoirthit.

Sounds like your family is a great reason not to continue the illicit affair with Madame Booze

SR made all the difference to me - if you have to stay beyond 4 months this time, I think it's worth it

Welcome back

D