Twoyearssober

Hello all,

I'm a wife of a 2 1/2 year sober, in recovery, alcoholic,

He goes to 3 meetings a week, has a sponsor, goes to counseling and takes meds for ADHD.

Second marriage for both of us, married 14 years. Still have 4 high schoolers at the house .... 4 kids from my first marriage, 2 from his, and 1 together.

Anyway. He was a closet drinker for 10 years. I though we just had a bad marriage.... Anyway, when he finally came clean, I did nothing but offer support and consolation. Didn't get mad. Forgave him etc.

Well, since then, life is like it was when he was drinking. He's never home, 3-4 AA meetings a week etc. or working, or if he is home, he's on you tube. He always is thinking about a lost dream if his....never had his dream motorcycle. Never had his dream hunting camp and trips.

I always support him in these things, but think I'm now to the taken advantage of point, because he just wants me to take care of kids, finances, house so he can do whatever, and he only wants me for basically to be his groupie... sex, admiration, etc.

I know he's in recovery still, but he doesn't include me in it. We've never really been emotionally intimate our whole marriage, and it seems he is still trying to find excuses to keep me at arms length.

He says he's changed and that all my years of counseling, Alanon, and personal growth work didn't do anything in his eyes, that I still need to get a sponsor like him and go through the steps like him, because were both sick in his eyes.

Doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that people spend time with things that are important to them and if you don't spend time with someone, you will grow apart. Well that's us. He doesn't put me first, never really has, and then always blames me for his hurt. If he hurts me then he's too sad that he hurt me to try and help me feel better. And if Im sad, he doesn't do anything to try and console me, because "he doesn't know what to do,"

I'm not one of these people that expects you to read my mind. Just ask and I'll tell you what you want to know,

Anyway, I'm here to sees what reality is for recovering alcoholics 2 plus years out and if they feel that they can't have a relationship with a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend.

Our kids are learning to be selfish like him, and I'm the scapegoat for e everything. I like myself. Have done the codependent work and he only codependent thing I seem to be doing is to still stick around with this guy.

If I hear him tell me to go work on myself while he goes and works on himself like we've been doing for the past 2 1/2 years I think Ill scream.

You can't have a relationship if you never interact with someone,

Oh, and he's the type of person who goes along with everyone he's around and doesn't want to rock the boat. Doesn't want to be uncomfortable.

He seems blinded by something and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do. He says I haven't hit rock bottom yet, but in reality, I don't think he has. I think I made it too easy for him when he came clean. He's never had to face the music so to speak.

It's so depressing watching someone throw their life away, bug what can you go, but take care of yourself and let them make their own choices.

I need to find another job, and if I had one already, I would have been gone long ago. I guess if I haven't hit bottom, I will soon, but I don't think he understands that bottom for me means no more life as he knows it.

Anyone have any advice about what to do, if anything before another family bites the dust?

PhoenixJ

Hello 2YS. I am the alcoholic who destroyed my family structure. (FYI 12 m sober, no family but working hard- so feel okay posting this). All I know is I am terrified of making any mistakes to hurt others ever again. Sometimes I think I do not see the wood for the trees. I can offer little advice, but will give support and prayers to you and your family.

ReadyAtLast

Hi, I'm in the middle of reading codependent no more and even though it's me with the drink problem I relate to so much of it.

I couldn't and wouldn't stay in a relationship with a man if we had no relationship. What's the point? I don't even think alcohol is the issue.as you say all you can do is take care of yourself. What do you want? You won't change him. Are you prepared to settle for your life being like this?

It doesn't matter what he wants you to do. What do you want to do?

doggonecarl

Have you heard the metaphor of the drunken horse thief? It basically means that even if a person become sober it does not necessarily mean that he will become a better person.

http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-re...r-horse-thief/

Algorithm

Your husband probably has changed. The AA fellowship is his new family, as they like to say, and 12-Step is his new way of life. He is trying to get you to join that same new way of life. This is what he wants you to do.

It may help to understand that 12-Step is a religion in and of itself, and that AA and Al-Anon refer to their theology as Spirituality. This is why they say it is "Spiritual, not religious," and why he wants you to go through the 12 Steps.

You may have gone to Al-Anon meetings for a while, but since you haven't actually adopted the 12-Step Spirituality, you are still sick in his mind, where sick actually means unbeliever.

Religious conversions often do split up families, unfortunately, if the original religion, or lack thereof, of the rest of the family is not respected.

From what you wrote, he seems to believe that you will have your rock bottom, which he is trying to induce by withholding affection, and telling you to work on yourself, and that you will come to believe in the 12-Step theology.

Once you are secure with a new job, you could simply tell him that you may never have the religious conversion he seeks, and that you would prefer that he respect that and stop trying to bring it about.

You don't need to take my advice, but perhaps it may help you formulate a plan of your own beyond just giving up on keeping the family together.

MsCooterBrown

I am not understanding this...does Al-Anon have you do the 12step program? I get that his drinking became your problem...but he should do his steps on his own and in his own time. Why would he want you to hit his version of rock bottom?? It sounds like he is trying to pull you under the water with him. I bet it is really hard to stay positive living with this. I suspect you will know when you have had enough. I was married to a very abusive man (broke my nose) and that...was the end of THAT! You will do whatever it takes to make ends meet...even if it means taking two jobs. I am not trying to talk you into leaving. I just hate seeing people that have no chance of being happy in their living situation. You didn't mention the ages of the kids...I hope things change for their sake as well. I wish the best for you.

starstarstar

Does he want you to go to AA meetings with him?
Have you asked him?

BrendaChenowyth

You don't grow as a person during the years that you're drinking, so when you quit, your emotional maturity is where it was when you started.

For years it was all about alcohol, it called all the shots. Now he has some freedom to figure out who he is. Yours is not a new relationship, yours and his I mean. His relationship with himself is new. And his relationship with sobriety is new and he's probably afraid of relapsing. He isn't afraid of losing you, he's afraid of losing himself to alcohol again, and so that's where his focus is.

Maybe he's right, maybe there is more work you can do in terms of personal growth. You're chasing something that's already yours, in my opinion, that's your husband, that's your life partner. This is the stage you're going through in life. You have other needs, in my opinion, than spending time together and taking care of each other. His biggest challenge in recovery is probably learning how to take responsibility for getting his own needs met, not relying on anyone else to fix anything. The alcoholic has to fix his/her self.

saoutchik

Finances permitting I would tentatively suggest some form of trial separation so that you can find out for yourself what to expect. It does sound like he is putting all his own regrets and frustrations on you

Twoyearssober

I am very glad that I was able to find this forum and receive so many different view points on the same situation. Thank you all.

If I could say something to my alcoholic husband, I would say how proud I am of his strength to decide to regain or simply gain his life. It is so much easier to just give in instead of trying to achieve self disciple and to actually be able to ask for forgiveness and to try to make amends is one of the most courageous things anyone can do. I hope he never gives up no matter what happens to him.

Love the serenity prayer. Actually never realized it had more than the first three lines. And yes, Alanon has sponsors,and you can work the 12 steps, so that you don't fall into the same type of relationship and so the negative alcoholic family environment doesn't make your kids as unhealthy as they could be if nothing changes.

I know that no one is perfect and that we all have work we need to do, just for our own personal peace. However, I didn't work on my recovery after my divorce like I should have and fell into the same type of relationship(father had gambling addiction).

But I did take the time over the past 5-6 years to work on myself and my recovery, and feel pretty confident in my mental health or at least I know when I need to ask for help.

Richard Rohr worked with alcoholics and AA can lead to a healthy spirituality as doing the 12 steps seem like just living a basic Christian life... say your sorry when you mess up, make amends, serve your fellow man... human nature dictates that whatever you spend the most time with basically bonds you with it, so the more time you spend, the more you want to do it. At least that's what I learned after my first husbands affair.

And that's supposedly why there are so many work related affairs, because the people spend so much time together that their instinctual nature sets in, they think they found their soul mate, when in reality, if they would have spent that much time with their spouse instead, they would be thinking their spouse was their soulmate.

Anyway, my point was that I personally think that the more time RAH spends with AA and the less time he spends with me, the more he will naturally bond with the people in AA and lose his bond with me.

We can "work on ourselves" but that doesn't mean we have to ignore each other. How do you work on something if you don't have anyone to work on it with?

And I also think alcoholics are very vulnerable at the beginning of their recovery, especially with all the withdrawal symptoms, and they need objective people in their lives to direct them. I thought sponsors were those type of people, but if they themselves are only recovered for a few years, and especially if they aren't living in a healthy family situation, it's a difficult place to be put.

My RAH is very influenced by his sponsor, who is like the father/ brother he never had, but instead of the sponsor telling him to pay attention to family like the big book says....

and I quote " Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them so."

His sponsor uses him as a play mate and hunting buddy so husband can use the excuse that he's working on his recovery... he did this three times, spending three days each time for three weekends not working, not going to meetings, not making up the time spent away from his family saying that I shouldn't be upset and that we can work on our realationshipm after hunting season.....husband said he didn't want to disappoint his sponsor....

I think because I didn't totally throw him out or leave when I found out about the drinking, he just takes me for granted.

And now he also says that he RESENTS me, and can't get over the resentment for everything I put him through. ..,, really???

I do also think that for himnot to lose face, I have to be as sick as he is and have to do the same recovery program, or maybe he'll think I'm better than him or something.

Sad thing is, that pretty much everyone in his life has rejected hm except for me, and yet, I'm the one who he decided to reject.... its like biting the hand that feeds you.

I'm working on myself and getting everything in order so I can get a job and then if he needs to go, then I'll be ok, it seems to always be about the money....

Sometimes kids don't mature until they leave their parents house, and since it seems I'm the parent, I'm afraid I'll be his crutch as long as he's here.

I also am trying to get him to go to a counselor to address how to handle the kids. It seems that I'm always the bad guy and dad is always the good guy no matter what I do....

I wouldn't mind waiting it out longer if there were no kids but I don't want the kids learning bad emotional habits which I think they wil, the longer they are around an unchanged husband.

When we were both practicing our faith, things were better, but when he falls off the wagon emotionally and spiritually so to speak, things aren't so good and right now it's an 90/10 bad to good.

Still taking advice especially from those with kids or who has experience with that. Thank You!!!!!

Grymt

Perhaps when someone says something like 'I resent you' to someone he/she cares about it is about raising a subject that he/she feels need airing. Perhaps a good way to approach such things is to, when finding self in an equanimous frame of mind, say 'I would like to talk to you about what you said...' . Don't necessarily take or make it personal.

MsCooterBrown

I do have experience. I think had my ex husband not been on a drunken roll he would have never pulverized me the way he did.
90/10 Bad to GOOD???? I guess I am worried that the kids will be effected by this for years to come. I divorced my husband immediately following his savage display of lack of control. Eventually bought my own house. You have to go thru some really bad to get to the other side. I agree with saoutchik. Maybe a trial separation is best. Sometimes you have to remove yourself from the situation before you can see how crazy it is. Please take care. We can't tell you what to do...but this is sure familiar to me.

Twoyearssober

Wondering if anyone has had any positive experiences or advice that they and their RA use in family life to assist in recovery.

I liked the idea of walks to talk. Actually any talking and not yelling is a plus.

Even with codependent no more, the author says that between 3-5 years of co dependent recovery, one meeting a week tapering to every other week, should be good, and then after just one meeting a month. Just to keep recovery on the right track.

Wondering if that is similar to alcoholics recovery.

Otherwise, seems like they're too scared to live in the outside world. I know they need to relearn skills, but sometimes learning life skills is on the job training and can't be learned from books or just listening to others talk about it.

I liked the idea that someone had describing meetings as being a support, and not their life.

I think the program is great for those trying to get out of the clutches of being controlled by alcohol, but if they're committed, they will succeed, but then what do they do?

Doesn't seem to be too much guidance for the rest of their lives. Or maybe I'm just missing it.

That's why I'm asking.

Thanks.