HelenofTroy

Mera thank you so much for sharing this!

I have also been just saying "no thank you" with a smile and no further explanation. So far that has worked but I found myself feeling so awkward and invaded by your dinner companions' behaviour! You were very brave in how you handled it and have absolutely nothing to feel badly about.

As I am reading through this thread I find myself trying to come up with other responses for me to try if I find myself in a situation where the repeated "no thank you" isn't working. I think I will try an abrupt very obvious change of topic. "So, how about them Tigers" (I don't watch sports) or "Can you believe the exchange rate on the ruble?" or "Do you think the rain will hurt the rhubarb?" If they persist after that then I could respond with "Clearly I don't want to discuss it" and then shut up completely. Silence.

Now if I can only remember all that in the moment!

daisy1

I wouldn't be surprised if a few of those people went home and felt bad, and thought about how pushy they had been. Even if just one of them learned a lesson from that it was worth what happened.
Forget them, you have been through far worse :-)

bunnezjp

I would have been annoyed, too. Those people were just asking for it by being pushy.

~Bunnez

manama

There is a documentary called "Drunk Britain" and you see massive sort of mob drinking and people walking around in terrible shape. It's become socially acceptable, according to this film.

The director speaks to people from France and Italy and there most definitely was an attitude towards Britain as being drunken maniacs. And somehow the drinking that the French and Italians do is socially elite because they only drink with meals or casually in social situations.

Doubtful to me that France and Italy are without alcoholics or addicts. And they have plenty of other problems.

Mera , I'm glad you didn't tolerate their childish needling, it's like a sport for bored wealthy elites.

Berrybean

Sorry you had a rotten evening. What a shame that they couldn't take no for an answer. Trouble is, once they'd had drinks themselves I suppose they lost a good degree of their own reserve, manners, consideration and empathy. I think they behaved like arses personally. Worst part of my thinking that is knowing that, chances are, I have been equally pushy about alcohol in the past. Not that I actually remember doing so, but I bet I'd have considered that any sober person really couldn't understand what they were missing by not having a drink, and I'd seriously have thought I was doing them a favour trying to encourage them to find an alcoholic drink they liked. How cringe worthy is that??

Luckily, if I'm out with my partner and someone encourages me to drink and starts pushing the point when I have declined a few times, he (jokily) will tell that person that they probably wouldn't like me after a few drinks, sweet as I seem sober. Once they know we're a joint force people seem to back off. If I'm out alone I tend to avoid situations where people are drinking much. So far, luckily, I've not found myself in the situation you were in last night.

I imagine that you're playing the horrible straddle game now (with one foot in last night, and the other foot in some time in the imaginary future , thinking what you could and should say next time). Thing is, you weren't SO out of order, or embarrassing, to my mind. You defended your sobriety like a tigress. You did not drink. You did not WANT to drink. Ultimately your evening was a success in the most important way as an alcoholic in recovery.

I'd suggest accepting that last night you did the best you could in a horrible situation, and you defended your sobriety with conviction and vigor, albeit a little less grace-fully than you'd have liked. I wouldn't worry too much about next time yet either, unless you have some bizarre desire to repeat last night's experiences with those buffoons. Next time you are going out, once you know all the who, what, where, when , why details THEN make a plan. Alone or with the help of the people here on the forum. For now, going over and over it is more likely to result in developing a big fat stinky resentment than is it to prepare you for some imagined social excursion that will never happen.

Our power is in the present. Time to enjoy today xx

SnazzyDresser

Meraviglioso, those people were incredibly rude to do that. Don't feel bad about how you handled it. It's their problem, not yours.

Meraviglioso

Thank you for the support everyone. I was feeling really gloomy about it but thanks to you all I will just let it go and use your suggestions for next time- hopefully there won't be a next time, but if so, I'll try another tactic!

heartcore

Mera -

The best part is that you looked gorgeous & glamorous while you lost your temper!

If you're gonna make a scene, you might as well be wearing high heels & a fabulous dress...lol

Proud of you! Just being you.
I remember back when sobriety felt like an impossibility to you! The you back then could never have imagined the you now, going all crazy in a fancy restaurant to protect your sobriety & demand that others respect it...

Michael66

Mera. Well done on the repeated 'no'. Don't beat yourself up for losing patience. It sounds like those people would try the patience of a Saint.

BrendaChenowyth

Well thank you for sharing.. you say you don't know why you're sharing it but I know. You want someone to understand why you were so frustrated!! AND YES WE UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY!

And we can all use this to think about how we can best deal with these situations in ways that we will feel good about.

We need escape routes.. fake a headache, go to the bathroom and come back and say that you got a phone call and you have to leave.. but I woulda been out of there like a bat outta hell before I would have let them back me in to a corner like that..

Furthermore they sound like the ones who behaved like idiots. Why do people make such a big deal about whether their friends drink with them anyway? It just sounds like insecurity.

Venecia

Hi, Mera.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I wouldn't spend time with these people again. Problem solved!

BrendaChenowyth

This reminded me of Samantha from Sex and the City. She's eating lunch alone in a restaurant and trying to make some business calls and there's a mother and her son being noisy and she goes up to them and says this isn't the place to bring your kids. The kid picks up a handful of pesto pasta and chucks it in her face. She calmly wipes it away, completely keeps her composure and says "Well. He's made his point, and I've made mine." Walks out cool as a cucumber. I want to be just like her when I grow up.

OpioPhobe

Mera - personally, I think what you did was pretty cool. You showed honesty by not lying to them. It would have been an easy way out to just leave under an excuse of not feeling well or some other form of dishonesty. You showed courage by making yourself vulnerable to people that you didn't know well. They may or may not have felt bad when they got home. No one can read minds after all.

Based on your description it sounds like you are more embarrassed about your alcoholism than violation of social etiquette. Is that because of their judgments or your own? Why do you care about their approval?

If it ever came up again you could turn the tables and ask them why it bothers them so much.

BrendaChenowyth

It is one thing to come to understanding of what our disease is and is not and learn to accept ourselves with all our flaws. But the truth is, other people do judge those who struggle with addiction. My mother is fine with my alcoholism as long as I don't drink, but if I struggle she becomes a blubbering emotional mess who thinks it's okay to openly admit she's ashamed of me. So yeah, we're going to feel exposed and project a little bit when we tell new people we're alcoholics. We know people judge. They just do.

Yes there is some defensiveness coming out in me as well, and this is something I struggle with.. but obviously she respects these people, they are her friends, and we all want to fit in. There is only so many times we can avoid social gatherings or walk out early without explanation before we become flakes that don't get invited or we wind up with no friends. We can't risk alienating the few that we have. And we would alienate them by being totally open about this issue.

soberandhonest

I agree with others. I think you handled it with courage and badassery! You attempted to politely say no many times over before finally being forced to take a stronger position. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.

biminiblue

ha. I've used this bolded bit more than once. It never fails to stop the questioning.

Then I turn away from whoever is asking and change the subject - and talk to someone else.

LadyBlue0527

Mera, I am so sorry you had to go through this.

I haven't had to use it too often but in times of trouble my old stand by has always worked.

I look at them, raise an eyebrow, and ask "I don't understand, I have said no, why does it bother YOU so much that I don't want a drink?".

This usually trips them up because it forces ownership on the issue back onto them.

OpioPhobe

I respectfully disagree. My belief is that most people are too wrapped up in their own world to worry about me. In fact, they are probably more worried about what everyone is thinking about them to give me more than a passing thought.

If they do judge me I feel sorry for them because they are probably miserable. I haven't met anyone that is extremely judgmental that isn't a pretty miserable person.

BrendaChenowyth

Yes, a lot of times they are, and then other times they are actively questioning what you are doing, such as in this situation in the OP.

tomsteve

i could see me responding like that, mera. i wouldn't be surprised if somewhere in there i got a wee bit sarcastic and said something like,"enough about me, how about you? lets talk about your problems for a while.lets start with that hearing problem you seem to have."
not sayin it would be right, but i can get that way.