Water441

Just checking in to say I'm doing well, staying strong, going to therapy, reading my lessons from rehab, not drinking, and taking my meds. I've gone back to work and am building slow trust again.

I'm still pretty shameful about letting my disorder into my problem professional life.


Yoga in the morning and trying to stay present and not let toxic shame hurt me.

heartcore

There's a moment in addiction or alcoholism where there is no way on earth it won't impose on your professional life.

I spent enough energy to have figured out how to build a time-travel machine in attempting to hold the line between my addictions & my professional life. I am a strong woman. In the end, it seeped in irregardless of my heroic attempts.

Some of those line-crossings were never discovered, some were witnessed. Doesn't matter. I know.

I repair that now by being utterly present for my work & returning more value than is expected. It is my living amends. It is enough.

These are just our stories, and we can't edit backwards...

Water441

True. I can't change the past but I am now giving my all to work and it feels good.

Looking forward to a clear and present mind tomorrow.

One of the worst things about my binges was being on the subway going to work and feeling so mentally off (not falling down drunk) but just mildly disoriented - seeing all the clear headed people with coffee and a tidy appearance and wondering why I couldn't be that way.

Algorithm

Just stay the course, Water, and leave this disorder behind you.

Don't look back, and be willing to let it die.

You look forward instead.

heartcore

Now you are one of those clear-headed people.

And you can have a deep, deep compassion for that bleary-eyed person on your morning train.

We all know that sinking, terrified, muddy, horrible feeling. We weren't "getting away with" anything. We punished ourselves with shame, guilt, & fear. Exhausting. Punished enough then...

heartcore

Panic. 2 hours sleep. Dr. Bronners peppermint soap in the shower to cover the smell. Spray your hair with strong smelling something. Brush teeth & mouthwash. Frantically dig through heaps of wrinkly clothes. Smear water all over them to take the wrinkles out while wearing (damp, cold clothes). Clear Eyes drops. Text a pretend excuse for lateness that feels inadequate. Wear a loud scarf to distract from your puffy, blotchy face. Arrive after the meeting started. Don't meet anyone's eyes. Drag through the day feeling shame. Try to nod alertly & look smart. Watch the clock. Escape. Get home & pour yourself a drink...so relieved you made it through without being fired.

What a horrible waste of a day. & the whole time making yourself a thousand promises you know you won't keep - that this will never-ever happen again.

Then tomorrow it does.

I remember.

Water441

Yes that all resonates with me. God those days were horrible.

The envy I had for those people looking out together and holding coffee who walked in a straight line with purpose. Well that's me again now and I got back to it back to clear thinking and focus. I can't explain how valuable that is and it's a huge piece of my commitment to recovery.

Thank you for sharing.