JackDsMissus

I quit for really long stretches of time 9 months, 18 months.... And, then I think I am a "normal" person again that can drink at weekends and I pull it off for again a long stretch of time but somehow, I begin to notice that the times when I mess things up (don't turn up to class, don't deliver work on deadlines, getting into arguments with ex-partner) all turn up when I drink. I still have a damn problem.

And, I can't believe I am here again. Maybe some from my class of 2013/14(?) remember me, Dee maybe? Sigh. What's bought me back is that I realized what a mess I'm in all over again because of my so "controlled drinking" I'd done well most of this year with this just friday and saturday thing until the christmas season when apparently it's okay to get leathered from dec 24th- new year. I contracted a stomach bug on boxing day (26th) which meant I couldn't drink anything at all... I've only just recovered today (barely) and I was opening the drink straight away. My stomach has since been like a washing machine and I feel like I'm in for a world of pain when I wake.

Basically what caused to me to wake up again is the fact that I have drank even after being ill... and apparently I am in control of it? No I'm not! I'm still being the irresponsible, non self loving creature I was when I joined this site. I'd just convinced myself I was now over it all and normal again.

I have done some good since realizing this. I came back here and admited my wrong doings. I've looked up local AA meetings. I know I need to get back on the horse. I admit I've no control.

FenwayFaithful

Thanks for this reminder. I too have had periods of controlled drinking and often my alcoholic mind will try and convince me that makes me "normal" and at 15 months it's working on overdrive to convince me that since I've been sober I am no longer alcoholic. Doesn't work that way.

The disease really is cunning baffaling and powerful and works hard to lull us into a false sense of secuirity.

Sometimes I get down thinking I've got to go to meetings/work my recovery for the rest of my life but it's better than the alternative.

Get to a meeting tomorrow. Share. I know it's hard because of the shame but think of all the people you'll be helping. And more importantly helping yourself.

Mklove

Glad you are here.

Lnx

You've got sum aursum insight there use it, our lives start without alcohol and they start to end with it . Good on you for posting ;-)

JackDsMissus

Thanks guys. Yes Fenway, we always have to be on guard it seems. I don't know what comes over me really, I just yearn to be "normal" whatever that is... And, kinda convince myself I can be like my friends who can limit themselves and stop when they feel bad. Today has been clear evidence I have a problem because these friends would think it's madness to drink when you haven't had one clear day from a stomach bug. Would you believe I googled till I found something to support my claim that drinking with a stomach bug was ok. This is how I know I am not "normal" lol

FenwayFaithful

A few years back I had mono and they said if I drank I could die. I really felt too ****** to drink. Thought that meant I wasn't an alcoholic too lol. Anyways the minute I started feeling better I was right back at it worse than before. Funny how this disease will go to any lengths to convince us we're "normal"

least

Welcome back! I hope this time you can use our support to get sober for good.

JackDsMissus

You are so right. Oh my. We really can't let it back in for a nano second without it getting a hold of us again, even so subtly that we don't even notice. It reminds me of something I know but forget, that we have to basically renew our faith everyday. There is a reason for that. It's like sleep makes us forget all we knew the day before. Once we get on a roll, somehow we think we don't need to practise the same rituals or whatever keeps us sober/sane/spiritual etc... My 2017 resolution is to just remember what is important every morning and night. And, putting in place all the support and structure to make that easier.

Me too Least. TY. This time I'm going to do different things. That age old saying that if you keeping doing what you have always done, you will keep getting what you always got. (or something) I never really got onboard with meetings, I'm going to try this new year. I really am. Somethings gotta give.

Dee74

Of course I remember you JackD'sMissus - hi

I'm sorry for what brings you back, but this is still a great place to find help. Do you have any ideas on a plan?

D

Steely

Welcome back JackD'sMissus. The same has happened to me, long stretches, think I've got it solved, until the slow creep brings me down one more time.

I'm finding sobriety much more interesting.

Soberwolf

Glad your back with us Jdm

Berrybean

Glad you're back. We can get free from this, but our 'free' can't ever look like 'becoming a normal person'. Never mind though, because if we work our programs hard it can look better than that!

Martin1

This. Welcome back.

FreeOwl

Being back here isn't in the least bit shameful.

What would be a shame is if you never made it back because you were in prison. Or dead.

But I'm glad you're back here. Just as I'm glad to be here.

Being here isn't a shame.... it's an inspiration and it's a part of a much better life.

Welcome back.

And thank you for helping me stay sober today.

Zebra1275

Welcome back.

Doug39

The "controlled drinking" doesn't work for alcoholics. The stress of trying to control my drinking gave me anxiety so it made me drink more - it that makes sense.

I have tried it and it never worked. In my early days of heavy drinking I tried to stay sober on Mondays and Thursdays; Monday was to recover from the weekend and Thursday was to rest up for the weekend...but that didn't last.

I quit drinking for 4 months in 2013 and started up slowly. A few beers a night the first few weeks. That turned into a 6 pack a night. Within a few months I was back to getting wasted everyday.

JackDsMissus

Hey D good to see you Wish it was under better circumstances! I have identified a meeting I'd like to attend. Its on Thursdays. And, I have some new morning and bedtime "rituals" I'd like to instill. Things like spending sometime when I wake thinking about my goals and why I want to achieve them. Meditating. And in the evening appreciating things from the day and going back over my goals. I also will join the January Class here. Can you see anything missing from my plan?

JackDsMissus

Now I like the sound of that! Thank you

Yes you are right. Drinking definitely adds the "shame" feeling though, I felt wretched today as expected. I heard Jim Rohn talk about self esteem being about holding yourself accountable, if we do the things we personally hold ourselves accountable for, we have high self esteem, if we don't do what we hold ourselves accountable for our esteem takes a blow. That is where I think the bad self feelings come from if that makes sense. I SHOULD know better and I didn't act on it. I'm glad to be back though and that my post helped you to stay sober another day <3

Yes, I hear you. Trying to control it gives me anxiety as well. "Normal" folks don't have to throw a glass out from a bottle to make sure they don't overdo it for example. They don't have to deliberate in their mind the rightness or wrongness of their drinking. Or worry what other people will think about it. All these things cause me anxiety. Time to face facts - I can't be a normal drinker. Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate.

:O Soberwolf, longtime! Good to see you.

SeaOfSerenity

never be ashamed of wanting to better yourself! well done and good luck

saoutchik

Hey JackDsMissus I definitely remember you as a Class of soulmate. 9 months and 18 months it not to be sneezed at, it means that you know you can do it

I wish it were under better circumstances but welcome back, it is good to see you