Suggested Separate Christmases
Sleepy
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Great Lakes Girl
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by FreedomCA 
The whole thing is just frustrating, and my frustration is coming out. The reality is that my husband is spending too much money on his addictions to alcohol, pot and cigarettes. Of course his mom is now nervous that I am separating because now she feels responsible for her out of control son (even though she shouldn't have to). And I know that my taking care of him is my issue, but I would think his family would ease up in knowing what I go through to help the whole situation. If I smile, they are happy. Now that I have made a fuss, now they are worried because they know there will be emotional consequences when their son hits bottom.
And that is just it: I am helping their son to prevent hitting bottom (by the way, his twin brother died of a meth overdose 4 years ago). I know in the program we cannot expect anything but at least help me out a bit in this attempt to help their son. Why wait until I leave him to be nice to me?
Let's be honest here. Practically, I should leave him and have given him enough chances. When I have suggested leaving him, his mother told me that he is going to lose everything and that she may lose her only son. And she is totally right! I know it sounded obnoxious when I mentioned the red carpet, but all I ask is that the crap from his step dad, sister, and sometimes his mom stop.
And that is just it: I am helping their son to prevent hitting bottom (by the way, his twin brother died of a meth overdose 4 years ago). I know in the program we cannot expect anything but at least help me out a bit in this attempt to help their son. Why wait until I leave him to be nice to me?
Let's be honest here. Practically, I should leave him and have given him enough chances. When I have suggested leaving him, his mother told me that he is going to lose everything and that she may lose her only son. And she is totally right! I know it sounded obnoxious when I mentioned the red carpet, but all I ask is that the crap from his step dad, sister, and sometimes his mom stop.
This is your marriage, not hers!
For the sake of your own sobriety, perhaps consider sharing so much with this enabler of a woman?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Addiction and other people's addiction can be a very frustrating situation to have to deal with, the problem is it's in their hands as to whether they change or not, it's almost the acceptance of having no control over someone else's addiction that can be the cause of the most anxiety, because the outcome is therefore unknown, there is no switch we can simply press in someone else.
Some people do change, but many people don't, SR exists as people are struggling with addiction and at different stages in their recovery from addiction, but there are many others out there that don't darken SRs doors.
In everything I think we have to find a piece of happiness and contentment for ourselves, how we do that is different in every situation, whether it be creating boundaries with family members, stop enabling other people's addictions, changing up our own lives to make things work for us.
The key for me, is our lives can quickly pass us by, and the addiction of someone else can, quite wrongly steal part of our lives also if we let it, and so taking measures to ensure it doesn't so we can look back in years to come and be proud that we did the best we could many years previously, that will provide some peace.
It's never an easy situation with family, but it's great you're talking about it and seeking support!!
Some people do change, but many people don't, SR exists as people are struggling with addiction and at different stages in their recovery from addiction, but there are many others out there that don't darken SRs doors.
In everything I think we have to find a piece of happiness and contentment for ourselves, how we do that is different in every situation, whether it be creating boundaries with family members, stop enabling other people's addictions, changing up our own lives to make things work for us.
The key for me, is our lives can quickly pass us by, and the addiction of someone else can, quite wrongly steal part of our lives also if we let it, and so taking measures to ensure it doesn't so we can look back in years to come and be proud that we did the best we could many years previously, that will provide some peace.
It's never an easy situation with family, but it's great you're talking about it and seeking support!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
Thanks PurpleKnight. Although I sort of pulled out that "can of whoop*** as someone mentioned in a previous post, although it caused some temporary stress in my family and extended family systems, I think it was for the best because my husband's family needs to be aware what is going on. Our life may seem great and running smoothly with vacations, etc., but the reality is that my husband's addictions to alcohol, pot and marijuana are costing us hundreds of dollars each month, and so while we may look cheap to others since we don't spend a lot of money on others, the reality is that we are under financial stress at the time, and the only reason we are staying afloat is because my parents still help support us and fund these vacations and other things. I can't even afford at the time my own place to rent for my office and need to sublet, yet we are spending $480 last month just on pot. Why? Because my husband is an addict and needs his fix. My mother in law I know appreciates me because we all know I am temporarily preventing my husband from hitting bottom, and so I know she wants me to hang in there. Great! But she also I believe should be made aware of the extentuating circumstances of this relationship, which, as I stated earlier, involves us "looking cheap," but only because of the financial distress caused by my husband's active addictions.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
I finally have some good news. The previous woman I was subletting an office from a couple days a week have worked things out and will continue that agreement on a trial basis. So now I have back all of my days for my business at an affordable price since I am subletting. The benefits of staying sober. If I had drank over this situation, I would have been unable to follow up with it on a mature basis and would most likely have sabotaged everything. Sobriety allows things to pass in a natural way.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Originally Posted by FreedomCA
This is exactly why I don't attend AA meetings anymore. This is so typical of something that would be said in AA that is very unhelpful.
One of the reasons I was relapsing in the past is because I kept my mouth shut and shut down my feelings. I think it's time I start opening up my mouth and asserting my feelings. This change in me is actually one of the reasons why I have 41 days today. I'm not shutting my mouth and drinking the poison anymore.
I'm not letting other people walk all over me anymore and expect me to take it. Like when my husband's sister insisted that we buy her and 4 other people a drink at a wedding several months ago. I didn't want drama and we did it. Now I open up that can of whoop and let her know it is not our responsibility to buy alcohol for other people, especially since I am in recovery.
One of the reasons I was relapsing in the past is because I kept my mouth shut and shut down my feelings. I think it's time I start opening up my mouth and asserting my feelings. This change in me is actually one of the reasons why I have 41 days today. I'm not shutting my mouth and drinking the poison anymore.
I'm not letting other people walk all over me anymore and expect me to take it. Like when my husband's sister insisted that we buy her and 4 other people a drink at a wedding several months ago. I didn't want drama and we did it. Now I open up that can of whoop and let her know it is not our responsibility to buy alcohol for other people, especially since I am in recovery.
There's nothing wrong with asserting yourself - but I was so unused to it I *over* asserted myself a few times and came off looking and sounding like a real jerk.
I was so ready for a fight I was already in round 5 before the other person realised it was a fight....
The opposite to being silent and being a doormat is not being a loudmouth jackass who uses other people as doormats.
I think it's also good to remember Anna's point - we can't control anyone else. We cant change them - but we can change our reactions to them.
We all grow into these things - it takes time - I wouldn't dismiss any advice you get
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
Originally Posted by Dee74
I think if you think about it a little more you'll see it's really a great piece of wisdom
There's nothing wrong with asserting yourself - but I was so unused to it I *over* asserted myself a few times and came off looking and sounding like a real jerk.
I was so ready for a fight I was already in round 5 before the other person realised it was a fight....
The opposite to being silent and being a doormat is not being a loudmouth jackass who uses other people as doormats.
I think it's also good to remember Anna's point - we can't control anyone else. We cant change them - but we can change our reactions to them.
We all grow into these things - it takes time - I wouldn't dismiss any advice you get
D
There's nothing wrong with asserting yourself - but I was so unused to it I *over* asserted myself a few times and came off looking and sounding like a real jerk.
I was so ready for a fight I was already in round 5 before the other person realised it was a fight....
The opposite to being silent and being a doormat is not being a loudmouth jackass who uses other people as doormats.
I think it's also good to remember Anna's point - we can't control anyone else. We cant change them - but we can change our reactions to them.
We all grow into these things - it takes time - I wouldn't dismiss any advice you get
D
And no matter what advice I am given, some of it I will absorb and other advice I will dismiss if I think it unhelpful. Only a fool would accept any advice they are given.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I think your post above is a great example of what assertiveness isn't, to be honest.
Assertiveness is not about trying to tear the other person down, trying to insult them or upset them, or trying to score points.
That merely perpetuates ill feeling.
Assertiveness is saying something like 'Thanks for your input Dee but as I know the players in this situation well, I'm going to go with my gut'.
Simples.
D
Assertiveness is not about trying to tear the other person down, trying to insult them or upset them, or trying to score points.
That merely perpetuates ill feeling.
Assertiveness is saying something like 'Thanks for your input Dee but as I know the players in this situation well, I'm going to go with my gut'.
Simples.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
I found your initial post before I responded to you to be very rude and mean. To suggest that I take in the wisdom of someone else saying that I possibly took a can of dumb*** instead of whoop*** is very insulting on your part. It has taken me 6 years to assert my feelings to my inlaws appropriately, and nothing in my posts suggested that I was a dumb*** or loudmouth jack***. Rather than attack me again, why dont you take accountability and responsibility for your statements and apologize?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
You've taken generalised statements I made, or remarks I made about myself, as personal attacks on you.
In context with the previous sentence, thats about me, for example.
I was the jackass.
I'm sorry you found the can analogy insulting. I didn't make it - tho I did, in an effort to help, try and share my interpretation of it.
Looks like I failed to get that across, and for that I'm sorry,
Insulting you or upsetting you was not my intent, and it's not my style.
I would never attack anyone.
I take my job here very seriously.
If you felt insulted upset attacked or angry, I'm sorry for that too.
and, bottom line, your remarks hurt me too.
If you want to apologise for the snide remark, as well for the inference that other people feel that way too, I'm all ears.
Send me a PM if you like.
If not, OK - we'll leave it there
D
I was so ready for a fight I was already in round 5 before the other person realised it was a fight....
The opposite to being silent and being a doormat is not being a loudmouth jackass who uses other people as doormats.
The opposite to being silent and being a doormat is not being a loudmouth jackass who uses other people as doormats.
I was the jackass.
I'm sorry you found the can analogy insulting. I didn't make it - tho I did, in an effort to help, try and share my interpretation of it.
Looks like I failed to get that across, and for that I'm sorry,
Insulting you or upsetting you was not my intent, and it's not my style.
I would never attack anyone.
I take my job here very seriously.
If you felt insulted upset attacked or angry, I'm sorry for that too.
and, bottom line, your remarks hurt me too.
If you want to apologise for the snide remark, as well for the inference that other people feel that way too, I'm all ears.
Send me a PM if you like.
If not, OK - we'll leave it there
D
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
While I'm at it I may as well apologise for post #28 as well.
I stand behind what I said, but a wiser head than mine would probably have not felt the need to make that point in this thread.
D
I stand behind what I said, but a wiser head than mine would probably have not felt the need to make that point in this thread.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
Thank you for your apology, I appreciate it. I just felt that things got heated on this thread after the dumb*** analogy post, but then things calmed down as members saw that I took that very personally and thereafter posted positive messages about my thread. The thread was pretty much done, and then I saw your post which pretty much opened up a can of emotional worms for me.
As far as other members believing you to sometimes have a snide tone, there have been a couple times in which I was put off by your tone to others, and, sure enough, they brought this to your attention.
You often do a great job on SR and are very helpful to others. There are just times, however, where your tone can come across as condescending.
I apologize for any retaliatory remarks I made to you.
As far as other members believing you to sometimes have a snide tone, there have been a couple times in which I was put off by your tone to others, and, sure enough, they brought this to your attention.
You often do a great job on SR and are very helpful to others. There are just times, however, where your tone can come across as condescending.
I apologize for any retaliatory remarks I made to you.
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