Marissa41

I don't know what it is but everyday I wake up and think "today is the day" and then I just want to drink more. Today was going to be my day one again and I've already been to the beer store. It feels like OCD!! Everything is dysfunctional and seems overwhelming in my life right now so maybe it's just I don't want to face it. I stay in bed most of the day until my husband gets home. It's a crazy vicious cycle. And my liver is hatin on me right now!

ChloeRose63

Sounds like your AV (alcoholic voice) is running your life! I had those days, too. There were times that I couldn't function without having a stash so I could drink whenever the "voice" told me to. You are not alone. And that "voice" is not your friend. It's a beast!

CaptainHaddock

I may only be on day 11, but I have managed to quit a number of times before and know how difficult it can be to actually make day 1 work. I seldom succeeded when I just woke up and felt today is the day. It took some advance planning, such as picking a day when I knew I would probably have to work late, stock my car with a big bottle of water the day before, get rid of all empties at the glass recycling depot etc.

I get the impression you might find yourself at home during the day, so you might have to think of plans that would work for your daily routine.

As long as you don't stop wanting to quit I think it's never hopeless.

entropy1964

Sounds like alcoholism to me. What do you think?

ScottFromWI

Yep, addiction is a maddening thing. Maybe instead of going to the liquor store you could go to an AA meeting? Or spend some more time here? You do have a choice in the matter and you don't have to live this way.

mecanix

Maybe you need more help Marissa ?

Some kind of inpatient or residential de-tox ? ( i can hear my own drunk self saying oh no i'm not that bad, but i was stuck doing the same old , same old for a long time )

but really, if you've got a problem stopping by yourself then maybe you need some help to lift you out of it .

Bestwishes, m

tekink

Wanting to quit and then drinking all day instead? Yeah, that describes the last 10 years of my life.

MnEman

that is why many people seek help outside their own selves, like detox, treatment, AA, other programs- simple willpower isn't usually enough.

best of luck

Eric

Anna

Marissa, how about if you go for a long walk when you go out (avoiding the liquor store)? It might help to break the pattern of planning each day and then buying alcohol. Are you ready to take the step?

theVman31

Hello. You have to know who you want to be and how badly you want it. Once in the clutches of addiction you have to try really hard. But you are able and do something different tomorrow. We are all here together... Im an alcoholic. Vinny.

tomsteve

there were times in my life I would think alcohol was a problem in my life.
I tried my damdest to drink the thought away and stay in denial.
it worked some, but I sunk deeper and deeper into alcoholism.

reading what ya type, Marissa, imo its fear
****
Everything
And
Run

or you can

Face
Everything
And
Recover

please chose the latter

Marissa41

Thank you ALL for your response. I do appreciate them. I think depression plays a role here too. No health insurance. Loss of my brother, but I know it's no excuse. I've done it before. I'm just not looking forward to detoxing!

Kost

Hi, sounds like my life too. I didn't drink on Wednesday and felt really tired yesterday. I drank last night because I was too tired and not ready to not drink so I did. Now I am planning to not drink but I always decide to start not drinking on a Saturday and on a Saturday I decide to start on Monday, I dither about whether to drink on a Sunday but always do as I am starting on Monday. On Monday I always drink because it is a Monday..

Sheer madness

Berrybean

There's only one way to stop that obsession of the mind, and that is to starve your AV. This can only be done by not drinking, one day at a time.

In AA the first step is about recognising the different ways that our life has become unmanageable due to our drinking. You've already recognised that you're stuck in a cycle whee you can't face life because of this. There are sometimes bigger things as well, but actually the thing that makes us drink is the desire for a quick release from WHATEVER our problem is at that time. That is as likely to be the state of the house, our finances, the day of the week, the weather, the fact we can't find something we're looking for, or that the dogs shat on the kitchen floor (generally because we were too hungover to let him out in the first place - but that would be taking responsibility wouldn't it, so we kick the dog and feel sorry for ourselves, when actually the other way round would be much more useful ).

None of us can clear up all our mess as soon as we get sober. The first job is to just break the cycle. And as we slowly build on our sobriety and stop adding to the mess in our lives, we catch small glimpses of how things could get better, and start getting some hope. And that hope is powerful stuff.

There is, unfortunately, no magic way to make the first weeks or months pleasant or fun. But by sticking with other recovered alcoholics you can feed from their experiences, strength and hope until you build some of your own. For me that was one here, and also in AA. But other people do things differently. Whatever way you decide to try, it's worth getting a plan together that you can stick to, because something needs to change. If nothing changes, nothing changes. As someone said to me... it's pretty mad to expect that you can keep doing the same thing and one day get different results. I'm not saying that changes are easy, or comfortable. But they are necessary if we want to get better.

I wish you all the best for your recovery. BB

Goodfellas

Maybe try and stay active ? Trust me I know it's hard but idle
Hands ya know ?

Maybe try a new routine etc ? . Something to occupy your mind and time during the long hours of the day when. Hubby is at work .

In addition ; once you are good and ready it will be hard- you'll literally have to force yourself NOT to go to the beer store

But it can be done and you CAN do it . You 100% absolutely can

Dee74

How are you doing Marissa?
If you think depression is playing a part, have you seen a Dr?

D

PurpleKnight

Continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results never seemed to work for me, we gotta try something new to change up the results, whether that's a Dr for other underlying conditions, changing up our routines, our habits, putting more support into our days.

Whatever it is, something needs to change to create different results, I had many ground hog days, round and round I went for years, until I made a few changes, Sobriety never happened for me until I went and made it happen!!

You can do this!!

Mklove

The fact your liver is involved means you are actually out of choices, your body has made its choice. Time for a break, the next step in liver disease is really ugly and you are smart and know you are ready to stop. You wrote to us and we are all listening and supporting you, it will be great to follow your progress!

tekink

That was the final straw that got me to stop drinking more, it only took 1 1/2 years after the blood test came back to convince myself to actually try stopping. I've been on and off a few times this summer but this time I'm finally ready to be done for good.

Zebra1275

Everything is dysfunctional and seems overwhelming in my life right now

That's because you're drinking.

It's like swimming laps in a pool, fully clothed and wearing ankle weights.

And then saying that swimming is hard because the waters cold.