I am like the energizer bunny drinking Redbulls though Red Vines posting about alcohol abuse, but...
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
I am like the energizer bunny drinking Redbulls though Red Vines posting about alcohol abuse, but...
But my alcohol abuse is a secondary problem for me, my obsession with pharmaceuticals is the real super villain in my story. I post about alcohol because it is a means to connect with everyone because alcohol is the most common vice here. Please don't misunderstand, I am an alcoholic, but that came upon as a replacement to pill popping and my abuse of it only happened when my pez dispenser ran empty. I am not going to stop talking booze, but this post isn't about it. However, I am sure everyone can understand because it is not about the abuse of something, rather it is the obsessive thinking behind it.
I am in recovery, 95 days, but my obsessive thinking hasn't changed enough yet. I am working really hard on it but maybe I am not being patient enough because I want it gone and I want it gone now. It is consuming energy that I can't afford to let go of. It drives the stinking thinking in me.
Going to get long now.
But we all have a drug of choice and mine are benzos - the pathway to suppressing the CNS. I have full blown ADHD of the worst kind. It affects every area of my life and I have to consciously work to keep it caged up like the beast it is. I have spoken about it here, but usually as a joke. That is what a lot of people think it is for adults because only kids get it. It is commonly used as an excuse for not performing or being lazy or acting frazzled. Well, this Bug has had it since early childhood and you don't just outgrow it. It doesn't go away when you become an adult.
A little background:
Now I am not the young ingenue I play on TV. When I was a kid ADHD was something only doctors knew about, teachers weren't equipped to deal with it, mothers didn't know about it, there were no school services, and the only treatment was detention for being a bad kid. There wasn't a label to assign and kids were just branded troublemakers and told to lay off the soda and sugar.
I suffered through childhood and early adulthood believing I was one of those kids. I was put into sports to give my hyperactivity an outlet. I had to spend more time on my studies so that my grades stayed up. I had to become an overachiever in order to feel good about myself. It was exhausting, debilitating and demoralizing. I just thought I was lazy, stupid and a pain to be around. I drove myself into the ground trying to treat myself when I didn't even know I had an actual disorder of any kind.
It wasn't until I went through a smorgasbord of psychological testing in my 20s that I had a name for it. But even then doctors were not keen on medical options for adults so they just put you in CBT and tried to drive the devil out of you. Ritalin was used to tame wild kids, psychotherapy was used for symptomatic treatment in adults. It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I was put on a stimulant to try. It was literally an hallelujah moment when I tried the first day. Suddenly the clouds cleared and work became easier, life became manageable, and I was calm enough to have a conversation without consciously trying to control each body part from trying to move. I didn't realize it at the time, but this one pill did all of the ritualistic things I have always done to control myself. I didnt have to drink pots of coffee (caffeine works) and I didnt have to be compulsive with orderkeeping. But it came too late. By the time I was prescribed I had already become a benzo addict. Xanax was the only thing that calmed me down because it sedated me enough to be able to do anything. It controlled me, even if it dumbed me down. I took the duh effect as unfortunate but necessary. I fell madly in love with the duh effect.
I became a slave to it and it was my security blanket. It was so easy to become addicted. I didn't worry about it because I figured that since it was my only addiction, I never drank or did drugs, I would just live with it. I took them both - which was ineffective in itself because a stimulant is rendered useless when coupled with a sedative. And then when the stimulant interfered with my Xanax abuse I gave up the stimulant. Stupid move to give up the means to my sanity to go with what had become my obsession. But that is addiction and Xanax was my fix.
All was not lost though. I am not a stupid person when I am not in the duh effect. I gave up Xanax when it was clear to me that continued use would jeopardize my marriage, family and relationships. I was told point blank - stop or you are out of here. So I stopped. I thought I would go back to stimulants but I was terrified I would become addicted (let's be honest, stimulants are prescription Speed). So I did the next logical thing I could to get back the duh effect - turned to drinking. Alcohol was used as a replacement to Xanax. I drank myself into alcoholism before I decided to go back on stimulants. But by then I was already hooked on wine. That is a whole other story.
I was clean from Xanax for 4 years. It however was my drug of choice. It was what I craved and that craving was only somewhat satisfied by wine. To this day if you gave me a bottle of my favorite wine or one Xanax I would take the Xanax.
I relapsed last year. I was on Stimulants, so I believed my ADHD was controlled, but I was drinking too much. So I thought Xanax would stop me from drinking. But then I remembered that Xanax was prohibited. So I did something that seemed logical, I got a prescription for Klonopin. It wasn't Xanax, right? So what if it was THE SAME THING with a different name on the bottle? I got away with it.
Too bad I kept on drinking. I was then addicted to two things and combining them is lethal. I drank and used right into Rock Bottom #1 and Rock Bottom #2. Then rehab, 95 days clean, and then this post.
I am still looking to replace my fix. Alcohol is out, stimulants are addicting but they don't give me the duh effect I learned to love, and frankly, I will never find a replacement for my DOC.
What I struggle with today is that I DON'T WANT TO. I don't want to think about it, have dreams about it, think of ways to get, or long for it like a long forgotten lover. I am SO DONE with it. I will never take it again, but how much longer do I have to deal with obsessive thinking? I hate it. So done. Want it gone. I don't think about alcohol. I don't think about Adderall. I think about Xanax and hate myself for it.
So there is my benzo story and how I became an alcoholic. I know everyone will understand obsession so I thought I would post.
I am in recovery, 95 days, but my obsessive thinking hasn't changed enough yet. I am working really hard on it but maybe I am not being patient enough because I want it gone and I want it gone now. It is consuming energy that I can't afford to let go of. It drives the stinking thinking in me.
Going to get long now.
But we all have a drug of choice and mine are benzos - the pathway to suppressing the CNS. I have full blown ADHD of the worst kind. It affects every area of my life and I have to consciously work to keep it caged up like the beast it is. I have spoken about it here, but usually as a joke. That is what a lot of people think it is for adults because only kids get it. It is commonly used as an excuse for not performing or being lazy or acting frazzled. Well, this Bug has had it since early childhood and you don't just outgrow it. It doesn't go away when you become an adult.
A little background:
Now I am not the young ingenue I play on TV. When I was a kid ADHD was something only doctors knew about, teachers weren't equipped to deal with it, mothers didn't know about it, there were no school services, and the only treatment was detention for being a bad kid. There wasn't a label to assign and kids were just branded troublemakers and told to lay off the soda and sugar.
I suffered through childhood and early adulthood believing I was one of those kids. I was put into sports to give my hyperactivity an outlet. I had to spend more time on my studies so that my grades stayed up. I had to become an overachiever in order to feel good about myself. It was exhausting, debilitating and demoralizing. I just thought I was lazy, stupid and a pain to be around. I drove myself into the ground trying to treat myself when I didn't even know I had an actual disorder of any kind.
It wasn't until I went through a smorgasbord of psychological testing in my 20s that I had a name for it. But even then doctors were not keen on medical options for adults so they just put you in CBT and tried to drive the devil out of you. Ritalin was used to tame wild kids, psychotherapy was used for symptomatic treatment in adults. It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I was put on a stimulant to try. It was literally an hallelujah moment when I tried the first day. Suddenly the clouds cleared and work became easier, life became manageable, and I was calm enough to have a conversation without consciously trying to control each body part from trying to move. I didn't realize it at the time, but this one pill did all of the ritualistic things I have always done to control myself. I didnt have to drink pots of coffee (caffeine works) and I didnt have to be compulsive with orderkeeping. But it came too late. By the time I was prescribed I had already become a benzo addict. Xanax was the only thing that calmed me down because it sedated me enough to be able to do anything. It controlled me, even if it dumbed me down. I took the duh effect as unfortunate but necessary. I fell madly in love with the duh effect.
I became a slave to it and it was my security blanket. It was so easy to become addicted. I didn't worry about it because I figured that since it was my only addiction, I never drank or did drugs, I would just live with it. I took them both - which was ineffective in itself because a stimulant is rendered useless when coupled with a sedative. And then when the stimulant interfered with my Xanax abuse I gave up the stimulant. Stupid move to give up the means to my sanity to go with what had become my obsession. But that is addiction and Xanax was my fix.
All was not lost though. I am not a stupid person when I am not in the duh effect. I gave up Xanax when it was clear to me that continued use would jeopardize my marriage, family and relationships. I was told point blank - stop or you are out of here. So I stopped. I thought I would go back to stimulants but I was terrified I would become addicted (let's be honest, stimulants are prescription Speed). So I did the next logical thing I could to get back the duh effect - turned to drinking. Alcohol was used as a replacement to Xanax. I drank myself into alcoholism before I decided to go back on stimulants. But by then I was already hooked on wine. That is a whole other story.
I was clean from Xanax for 4 years. It however was my drug of choice. It was what I craved and that craving was only somewhat satisfied by wine. To this day if you gave me a bottle of my favorite wine or one Xanax I would take the Xanax.
I relapsed last year. I was on Stimulants, so I believed my ADHD was controlled, but I was drinking too much. So I thought Xanax would stop me from drinking. But then I remembered that Xanax was prohibited. So I did something that seemed logical, I got a prescription for Klonopin. It wasn't Xanax, right? So what if it was THE SAME THING with a different name on the bottle? I got away with it.
Too bad I kept on drinking. I was then addicted to two things and combining them is lethal. I drank and used right into Rock Bottom #1 and Rock Bottom #2. Then rehab, 95 days clean, and then this post.
I am still looking to replace my fix. Alcohol is out, stimulants are addicting but they don't give me the duh effect I learned to love, and frankly, I will never find a replacement for my DOC.
What I struggle with today is that I DON'T WANT TO. I don't want to think about it, have dreams about it, think of ways to get, or long for it like a long forgotten lover. I am SO DONE with it. I will never take it again, but how much longer do I have to deal with obsessive thinking? I hate it. So done. Want it gone. I don't think about alcohol. I don't think about Adderall. I think about Xanax and hate myself for it.
So there is my benzo story and how I became an alcoholic. I know everyone will understand obsession so I thought I would post.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Originally Posted by Darwinia 
What is the effect of Xanax that you crave? How does it make you feel compared to being drunk?
My use has never been about fun, it has always been a means to protect my brain from overheating. That was my goal. When my brain overheats all I want to do is hide under my blanket and pretend the world doesn't exist. Can't do that, so I looked to replicate that security with a drink or pill (handfuls unfortunately ).
Benzo addiction is hard to understand if you aren't in it. When someone wants to get high or have a good time they don't take a benzo. It could render them asleep at the party. No fun in that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Benzos and alcohol act on the of the same brain receptors/processes, it is no surprise and not uncommon that someone who likes one will also like the other. Also why benzos are effective and widely used to treat alcohol withdrawal short term.
I never took benzos (thankfully!) but also tend to experience the most intense desire for alcohol when I am in a hyperstimulated mental state, either linked to life events or physiologically. Alcohol does calm me somewhat but at the same time drinking high doses can make me very crazy and near psychotic, which I tend to enjoy while it lasts but it scares the *** out of me when I sober up. The other kinds of drugs that I liked a lot were psychedelics. Those are not addictive in the same way alcohol or benzos are, but it makes sense to me that I am drawn to them given that I tend to enjoy those "altered reality" states. I often thought that if psychedelic were addictive and directly harmful in the same way alcohol and many other drugs are, I would probably be long dead.
It is very good that you are so aware of the nature of your challenges, LB. I often find that awareness alone does not help much though, and I think the same way about many of the so called psychological issues. I argued about this with my therapists who tended to believe that increasing awareness is key to healing and solving these problems, even addiction. Yes, it can be helpful, but not a solution in most cases. What is needed is to find ways to stay away from the drugs for good as a first step. But yeah doing that requires admitting and accepting the problem to start with.
I also have a default tendency for obsessiveness, which can affect almost everything... Not quite ADHD or ADD, more around the OCD or bipolar spectrum. I will get obsessed with people, experiences, learning, concepts, whatever piques my interest. I had to accept that this is part of who I am and will happen on and off, the challenge is to react to the obsessive thoughts and desires in a different, healthier way. Try to channel it differently, e.g. into worthwhile pursuits and activities. It is of course not easy when our mind tells us that it wants drugs instead in the moment... but I find that it is possible to develop new habits to deal with the boats of these mental states.
I never took benzos (thankfully!) but also tend to experience the most intense desire for alcohol when I am in a hyperstimulated mental state, either linked to life events or physiologically. Alcohol does calm me somewhat but at the same time drinking high doses can make me very crazy and near psychotic, which I tend to enjoy while it lasts but it scares the *** out of me when I sober up. The other kinds of drugs that I liked a lot were psychedelics. Those are not addictive in the same way alcohol or benzos are, but it makes sense to me that I am drawn to them given that I tend to enjoy those "altered reality" states. I often thought that if psychedelic were addictive and directly harmful in the same way alcohol and many other drugs are, I would probably be long dead.
It is very good that you are so aware of the nature of your challenges, LB. I often find that awareness alone does not help much though, and I think the same way about many of the so called psychological issues. I argued about this with my therapists who tended to believe that increasing awareness is key to healing and solving these problems, even addiction. Yes, it can be helpful, but not a solution in most cases. What is needed is to find ways to stay away from the drugs for good as a first step. But yeah doing that requires admitting and accepting the problem to start with.
I also have a default tendency for obsessiveness, which can affect almost everything... Not quite ADHD or ADD, more around the OCD or bipolar spectrum. I will get obsessed with people, experiences, learning, concepts, whatever piques my interest. I had to accept that this is part of who I am and will happen on and off, the challenge is to react to the obsessive thoughts and desires in a different, healthier way. Try to channel it differently, e.g. into worthwhile pursuits and activities. It is of course not easy when our mind tells us that it wants drugs instead in the moment... but I find that it is possible to develop new habits to deal with the boats of these mental states.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by Aellyce
I often find that awareness alone does not help much though...
Yes, it can be helpful, but not a solution in most cases. What is needed is to find ways to stay away from the drugs for good as a first step. But yeah doing that requires admitting and accepting the problem to start with.
Yes, it can be helpful, but not a solution in most cases. What is needed is to find ways to stay away from the drugs for good as a first step. But yeah doing that requires admitting and accepting the problem to start with.
Admitting I'm an addict comes easily. It's obvious. Can't deny it.
Accepting it, and learning to live with it, that's a whole other realm.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Are you working a plan, Bug?
Do you have other outlets you can turn to to burn some of that obsession off?
I very much understand most, if not all of what you're saying. Maybe on a different scope- I am dealing with a personality disorder and multiple addictions and obsessions. The removal of one for me seems to inflame another one. Like ruling out booze runs me to disordered eating or gambling. If I can keep that inline I can run to other unhealthy outlets. Like promiscuity. Overexercising. Anything at all that can numb me out and take me to that "over there" that is neither a high, a low or a plateau. It's an out.
Have you figured out what some of those outs are for you?
I know for me when I can hit a few levels of sobriety I clinch pretty tight to some of my "outs" that I deem in a healthy range. Netflix binging. Reading for 14 hours straight. Writing for hours on end. Sometimes dipping a little into the danger zone like splurging on spending, overworking, etc.
It's a ridiculously hard balancing act and not one that I think is anywhere close to true recovery which is why I don't really think any of my sober time was really contributing to my recovery- more likely led to my relapse. It was nothing more than a stop-gap to dealing with the underlying problems that brought me to where I am today and have been teetertottering for about 3 years now, and that my whole life history has brought me to.
I think you have come a LONG way and what you should first do is do something constructive, every day to congratulate yourself on how far you have come. It can be internal or external- just acknowledge and accept it.
Just like you came to acknowledge and accept you had a problem when you did and sought help. Realize you are making strides, and put those precious gems in your pocket and keep moving forward.
What's next? Do you feel empty, anxious, bored, trapped? Have you looked at a plan or talked to a counselor or sponsor about where you're at and how you're feeling?
We are addicts and our drug of choice only matters so much. Even differing personality traits or backgrounds really only matter so much. What matters is what you think you have learned, what you think you can do, what you will plan to do, and what you will do if that doesn't work well enough for you.
People knock relapses pretty hard on these boards. The one thing that has always stuck out pretty predominantly is that often times, a relapse can be seen by others on the board by regular posters long before it happens to that poster. (I'm not saying this is true for you, I am just generalizing.)
What I am trying to get at is, recognizing that slips and lapses are mental always before they are a physical event is important. Words and behaviours speak volumes to where you're at. You are obviously very aware of a lot of things, the question is, what are you prepared and willing to do now?
We get so wrapped up in our heads and our obsessiveness. It's really good you're posting about this. This is where I'd say, take out your plan. Prune only what you know isn't working. And add more. Double your meetings, double your outreaching, double therapy sessions. Find more hobbies. Schedule more coffee dates. Take up some volunteering. Organize your house, declutter your mind.
Maybe there is something in there that can be tweaked to help settle you down. Have you tried meditation and journaling?
I agree with what Aellyce says. Awareness is great, action is what gets us somewhere.
Just some thoughts. Your articulate your feelings well. I think if you dig deep enough you can find a redirect for some of those feelings. And if you can't, you know there are so many avenues to help you find them if you still find yourself falling short.
By the way, awesome job on 95 days. Remember to be proud of your progress, don't dwell on what isn't but be grateful and celebrate what is until you figure out what you want going forward.
Do you have other outlets you can turn to to burn some of that obsession off?
I very much understand most, if not all of what you're saying. Maybe on a different scope- I am dealing with a personality disorder and multiple addictions and obsessions. The removal of one for me seems to inflame another one. Like ruling out booze runs me to disordered eating or gambling. If I can keep that inline I can run to other unhealthy outlets. Like promiscuity. Overexercising. Anything at all that can numb me out and take me to that "over there" that is neither a high, a low or a plateau. It's an out.
Have you figured out what some of those outs are for you?
I know for me when I can hit a few levels of sobriety I clinch pretty tight to some of my "outs" that I deem in a healthy range. Netflix binging. Reading for 14 hours straight. Writing for hours on end. Sometimes dipping a little into the danger zone like splurging on spending, overworking, etc.
It's a ridiculously hard balancing act and not one that I think is anywhere close to true recovery which is why I don't really think any of my sober time was really contributing to my recovery- more likely led to my relapse. It was nothing more than a stop-gap to dealing with the underlying problems that brought me to where I am today and have been teetertottering for about 3 years now, and that my whole life history has brought me to.
I think you have come a LONG way and what you should first do is do something constructive, every day to congratulate yourself on how far you have come. It can be internal or external- just acknowledge and accept it.
Just like you came to acknowledge and accept you had a problem when you did and sought help. Realize you are making strides, and put those precious gems in your pocket and keep moving forward.
What's next? Do you feel empty, anxious, bored, trapped? Have you looked at a plan or talked to a counselor or sponsor about where you're at and how you're feeling?
We are addicts and our drug of choice only matters so much. Even differing personality traits or backgrounds really only matter so much. What matters is what you think you have learned, what you think you can do, what you will plan to do, and what you will do if that doesn't work well enough for you.
People knock relapses pretty hard on these boards. The one thing that has always stuck out pretty predominantly is that often times, a relapse can be seen by others on the board by regular posters long before it happens to that poster. (I'm not saying this is true for you, I am just generalizing.)
What I am trying to get at is, recognizing that slips and lapses are mental always before they are a physical event is important. Words and behaviours speak volumes to where you're at. You are obviously very aware of a lot of things, the question is, what are you prepared and willing to do now?
We get so wrapped up in our heads and our obsessiveness. It's really good you're posting about this. This is where I'd say, take out your plan. Prune only what you know isn't working. And add more. Double your meetings, double your outreaching, double therapy sessions. Find more hobbies. Schedule more coffee dates. Take up some volunteering. Organize your house, declutter your mind.
Maybe there is something in there that can be tweaked to help settle you down. Have you tried meditation and journaling?
I agree with what Aellyce says. Awareness is great, action is what gets us somewhere.
Just some thoughts. Your articulate your feelings well. I think if you dig deep enough you can find a redirect for some of those feelings. And if you can't, you know there are so many avenues to help you find them if you still find yourself falling short.
By the way, awesome job on 95 days. Remember to be proud of your progress, don't dwell on what isn't but be grateful and celebrate what is until you figure out what you want going forward.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Thank you!
I have a rock solid program with plans for warding off the relapse beast. I had a rough day on Friday (posted about it) and I keep thinking about obsessive thoughts and how dangerous they are. I admit to not keeping busy enough outside work and that is a problem. I stuck to this board and chat heavily. So thankful for SR.
I have a rock solid program with plans for warding off the relapse beast. I had a rough day on Friday (posted about it) and I keep thinking about obsessive thoughts and how dangerous they are. I admit to not keeping busy enough outside work and that is a problem. I stuck to this board and chat heavily. So thankful for SR.
Originally Posted by Delizadee
Are you working a plan, Bug?
Do you have other outlets you can turn to to burn some of that obsession off?
I very much understand most, if not all of what you're saying. Maybe on a different scope- I am dealing with a personality disorder and multiple addictions and obsessions. The removal of one for me seems to inflame another one. Like ruling out booze runs me to disordered eating or gambling. If I can keep that inline I can run to other unhealthy outlets. Like promiscuity. Overexercising. Anything at all that can numb me out and take me to that "over there" that is neither a high, a low or a plateau. It's an out.
Have you figured out what some of those outs are for you?
I know for me when I can hit a few levels of sobriety I clinch pretty tight to some of my "outs" that I deem in a healthy range. Netflix binging. Reading for 14 hours straight. Writing for hours on end. Sometimes dipping a little into the danger zone like splurging on spending, overworking, etc.
It's a ridiculously hard balancing act and not one that I think is anywhere close to true recovery which is why I don't really think any of my sober time was really contributing to my recovery- more likely led to my relapse. It was nothing more than a stop-gap to dealing with the underlying problems that brought me to where I am today and have been teetertottering for about 3 years now, and that my whole life history has brought me to.
I think you have come a LONG way and what you should first do is do something constructive, every day to congratulate yourself on how far you have come. It can be internal or external- just acknowledge and accept it.
Just like you came to acknowledge and accept you had a problem when you did and sought help. Realize you are making strides, and put those precious gems in your pocket and keep moving forward.
What's next? Do you feel empty, anxious, bored, trapped? Have you looked at a plan or talked to a counselor or sponsor about where you're at and how you're feeling?
We are addicts and our drug of choice only matters so much. Even differing personality traits or backgrounds really only matter so much. What matters is what you think you have learned, what you think you can do, what you will plan to do, and what you will do if that doesn't work well enough for you.
People knock relapses pretty hard on these boards. The one thing that has always stuck out pretty predominantly is that often times, a relapse can be seen by others on the board by regular posters long before it happens to that poster. (I'm not saying this is true for you, I am just generalizing.)
What I am trying to get at is, recognizing that slips and lapses are mental always before they are a physical event is important. Words and behaviours speak volumes to where you're at. You are obviously very aware of a lot of things, the question is, what are you prepared and willing to do now?
We get so wrapped up in our heads and our obsessiveness. It's really good you're posting about this. This is where I'd say, take out your plan. Prune only what you know isn't working. And add more. Double your meetings, double your outreaching, double therapy sessions. Find more hobbies. Schedule more coffee dates. Take up some volunteering. Organize your house, declutter your mind.
Maybe there is something in there that can be tweaked to help settle you down. Have you tried meditation and journaling?
I agree with what Aellyce says. Awareness is great, action is what gets us somewhere.
Just some thoughts. Your articulate your feelings well. I think if you dig deep enough you can find a redirect for some of those feelings. And if you can't, you know there are so many avenues to help you find them if you still find yourself falling short.
By the way, awesome job on 95 days. Remember to be proud of your progress, don't dwell on what isn't but be grateful and celebrate what is until you figure out what you want going forward.
Do you have other outlets you can turn to to burn some of that obsession off?
I very much understand most, if not all of what you're saying. Maybe on a different scope- I am dealing with a personality disorder and multiple addictions and obsessions. The removal of one for me seems to inflame another one. Like ruling out booze runs me to disordered eating or gambling. If I can keep that inline I can run to other unhealthy outlets. Like promiscuity. Overexercising. Anything at all that can numb me out and take me to that "over there" that is neither a high, a low or a plateau. It's an out.
Have you figured out what some of those outs are for you?
I know for me when I can hit a few levels of sobriety I clinch pretty tight to some of my "outs" that I deem in a healthy range. Netflix binging. Reading for 14 hours straight. Writing for hours on end. Sometimes dipping a little into the danger zone like splurging on spending, overworking, etc.
It's a ridiculously hard balancing act and not one that I think is anywhere close to true recovery which is why I don't really think any of my sober time was really contributing to my recovery- more likely led to my relapse. It was nothing more than a stop-gap to dealing with the underlying problems that brought me to where I am today and have been teetertottering for about 3 years now, and that my whole life history has brought me to.
I think you have come a LONG way and what you should first do is do something constructive, every day to congratulate yourself on how far you have come. It can be internal or external- just acknowledge and accept it.
Just like you came to acknowledge and accept you had a problem when you did and sought help. Realize you are making strides, and put those precious gems in your pocket and keep moving forward.
What's next? Do you feel empty, anxious, bored, trapped? Have you looked at a plan or talked to a counselor or sponsor about where you're at and how you're feeling?
We are addicts and our drug of choice only matters so much. Even differing personality traits or backgrounds really only matter so much. What matters is what you think you have learned, what you think you can do, what you will plan to do, and what you will do if that doesn't work well enough for you.
People knock relapses pretty hard on these boards. The one thing that has always stuck out pretty predominantly is that often times, a relapse can be seen by others on the board by regular posters long before it happens to that poster. (I'm not saying this is true for you, I am just generalizing.)
What I am trying to get at is, recognizing that slips and lapses are mental always before they are a physical event is important. Words and behaviours speak volumes to where you're at. You are obviously very aware of a lot of things, the question is, what are you prepared and willing to do now?
We get so wrapped up in our heads and our obsessiveness. It's really good you're posting about this. This is where I'd say, take out your plan. Prune only what you know isn't working. And add more. Double your meetings, double your outreaching, double therapy sessions. Find more hobbies. Schedule more coffee dates. Take up some volunteering. Organize your house, declutter your mind.
Maybe there is something in there that can be tweaked to help settle you down. Have you tried meditation and journaling?
I agree with what Aellyce says. Awareness is great, action is what gets us somewhere.
Just some thoughts. Your articulate your feelings well. I think if you dig deep enough you can find a redirect for some of those feelings. And if you can't, you know there are so many avenues to help you find them if you still find yourself falling short.
By the way, awesome job on 95 days. Remember to be proud of your progress, don't dwell on what isn't but be grateful and celebrate what is until you figure out what you want going forward.
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