Nalanda

I could get into the why's and the how's of why I've consumed.....

But it's not going to stop, until I wise up......

Drinking fancy wine and acting all sommelier ended with me leaving the house going to a shite neighborhood and smoking crack and smoking heroin....

Girlfriend terrified because "I've gone missing"...

It happened with my ex too.......she said "I'll start believing you when you have two years sobriety"

And the one before that came down to find me passed out and a needle in my arm......ambulance called....(trauma for her)

That wouldn't be the first od nor the first ambulance.....

They all have a reaccuring theme: I consumed alcohol before deciding to consume drugs....

In fact, there is a strange reassuring pattern that has been happening for at least five years: We get wine......she goes to bed.....I stay up......I LEAVE THE BLOODY HOUSE ON THE SEARCH FOR DRUGS.......she goes up the wall with worry.....I proceed to smash my body and soul against the rocks ....

I think it's time to wise up and break this pattern

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNmKghTvj0E

Hevyn

Yes, it's time Nalanda. You sound ready. We know you can.

sugarbear1

I can relate.

I now have over 5 years sobriety. You can, too!!

Algorithm

This is very common, since alcohol is a drug that disables your better judgement. It's easy to make bad decisions in that state, and this carries an additional risk for those who would be better off not using any drugs.

Dee74

Welcome back Nalanda

I hope you can make this time be your time to quit for good.
Any ideas on a plan to help you do that?

D

Soberwolf

Welcome back

Nalanda

Yes, I need to....the path I'm going down is the road ruin and this is definitely a crossroads now. I spent some time with some full time junkies their lives are devastated. One, a 42 year is ravaged physically and mentally and has nothing.

There may be no coming back from that road.

I don't belong in the places that I end up when I drink nor with the people I end up with when i drink.

If this was happening to anyone else that I knew I would probably say to them "just stop drinking! it's messing you up and doesn't suit you! Jesus why doesn't he get it!" because I would see it objectively....

A plan:
SR: Post here a little each day
When I got back last night, the gf handed me a piece of paper with NA days and times. (Friday and Saturday being the only possible days because of work time conflicts)
Buddhism/meditation: From October I'll be going to a buddhist centre every Sunday evening (meditation and modern buddhism) I did a meditation course there on Friday evening
"counseling"....in some form or another I think that would be beneficial......

Back to gym

Change my mentality about wine: this is my sticking point I reckon. The romantic, nostalgic way I view wine. It's like I'm holding onto a bad relationship, because I'm looking at it through rose tinted glasses

MIRecovery

What worries me is I don't see anything in your plan about quitting drinking and drugging . Is this the end?

Nalanda

Yes.

I was taking that as a giving, before writing what could constitute as a plan.....

Initially the answer that popped into my head was "not drink".

The drugs have become a really bad consequence of drinking. Which then bring their own negative consequences

I literally cannot continue down this road

EndGameNYC

I used to think that way as well, until I relapsed for three years following long-term sobriety.

Due to my own thinking and behavior, I soon came to learn that, while drinking. I belonged exactly where my drinking brought me. For me to have believed otherwise would have been just another act of bad faith among so many others.

You've been given the gift of desperation. As I hope you've learned, everything gets much worse the longer we do what we've always done. Your history, my history, everybody's history indicates that we have very good reasons to expect that we'll end up like your friend. Or worse.

But all the people who've turned around their lives, only after putting down the drink and the drugs, demonstrate that anything is possible once we start to set things right.

There is literally no time like the present. In fact, no other time exists beyond each present moment. Now is always the best time, and the only time, to act.

Ooona

Dearest Nalanda:

Im so very happy that you posted here on this site. Mostly because you will get so much support and encouragement here but also because I pick up from your posts that it is very difficult for you to reach out.

I may be off base ( but maybe not?) but it seems like you have a certain image that you portray to the world, your statements about your relationship with fancy wine and how you describe yourself as a sommelier, how you then find yourself with those who you see as beneath you speaks I think to the internal struggle you have with your 'outside' you and your 'inside' you. Ego and pride and image can be really damaging to us and we stay in conflict with what others think of us vs how we actually feel about ourselves.

If this is the case ( and even if it isnt) I would suggest that you stay close to us and others like us, you know others who have struggled with the same things we do. Its probably the ONLY place where we can be real, where we can share our fears and weaknesses and get understanding w/out judgement. My illness thrives in the darkness and in dishonest and sneaky situations. It LOVES when I am faking and being phony and trying to be something Im not, thats when it starts talking to me relentlessly.

Again, Im just going with some internal instincts with some of this.

My best wishes for you for all of the blessings that sobriety brings to us.

ReadyAtLast

Welcome back Nalanda - it's a good decision to come back to SR.

MIRecovery

I asked so you would put that question at the top your list. 7 years down the road I work my sobriety plan virtually every day and my commitment to not drinking is the first step in my plan

Nalanda

Dearest Ooona,

I see where you're coming from but I'm afraid your psychoanalysis is not accurate. There's no ego at play here, if there was I would probably be the first to recognize it.

I'm talking based on FACT and not to mention other people's comments (the very people that are "below me") saying what I've stated above (not belonging in the environment).

Maybe I could have gave more context:
Contextual factual situation number 1: I have a degree. I have a professional wine qualification. I have a professional job. I speak fluently three languages. I speak another two at low level. I've lived in three different countries. (I could go on but it would be my ego taking over.....

.....NONE OF THE STREET URCHINS THAT I SPENT TIME WITH YESTERDAY CAN MATCH THESE THINGS..........

Neither do the patrons of a scummy drug fueled bar that I used to frequent (to get coke). It was filled with criminals and the unemployed.

So it's a fact to say something like, I am at least in social rankings....higher up the social and economical and educational rankings than those poor unfortunate peasants (oops ego....)

THIS HAS BEEN NOTED........AND IT HAS BEEN SAID TO ME ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION........(or at least implied)

There's no internal struggle or being phony etc and I'm pretty sure I'm not schizophrenic (no voices talking to me)

I've let go of the need for approval seeking a long time ago............so I can be authentic where and when I like. No phoniness here.......

.....and that's not being defensive, that's going by work colleagues and friends.

Thanks anyway

maybe you were projecting?

EndGameNYC

Wow.

"No ego at play here?" Seriously?

You need to read your own comments. Seriously.

dwtbd

The fluidity of your authenticity duly noted, what are your plans for future alcohol and drug use ?

Ooona

Dear Nalanda:

Actually, you are correct in noting that I actually do see alot of myself in you and your experiences based on of your postings. Without going into alot of detail re. my life accomplishments I found myself to be living a double life for which I certainly felt like I was being a fake and phony. My exterior was not matching my interior whatsoever.

Ive found it to be a very freeing experience to lay down my ego and pride and become much more honest with myself and others about who I truly am. Being authentic and genuine is also helping tremendously with my ongoing sobriety.

Also important to note that when I was in the midst of my active addiction I wasnt able to see any of the above. Im grateful to others who pointed some of these roadblocks out to me, its helped tremendously.

Again, my hope is for your success now and in the future.

Be Blessed.

MrPL

Nalanda,

I am not going to join the ego conversation, but like you I have achieved my fair share in life.

What I think this shows is that when you set your mind to something it goes where you want it to, which is something I can relate to.

What I am doing now is aiming higher, a lot higher, it will take a hell lot effort and drinking just doesn't fit with that.

Could you maybe do the same? What is it that you want to achieve and that you are willing to work hard for? I struggled with a not drinking plan, but a plan to achieve something difficult of which drinking is a necessary part was much easier for me.

Just a suggestion, hope you find some value in it and I wish you the best of luck with whichever approach you go for.

P

ReadyAtLast

People on here are only trying to help. I know it hurts when people say things we don't want to hear but no one is trying to annoy you or antagonize you.

Think the point is that is doesn't matter who we are, how professional we are or what we earn: when we drink or drug and it is a problem for us then it's a problem that we need to deal with.

I know comparing myself to others really does me no favours at all- whether I'm as bad as or not quite as bad as someone else really doesn't matter one bit. It's what I 'm doing to me that matters and that's what I need to resolve.

Nalanda

Thank you for an understanding, helpful and non-condescending response.

I wrote about a plan in a previous response.

I'm glad you mentioned value. So many people never get anywhere in certain areas (life/relationships) because they never learn to give value.