Partner Relapsed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Palisade, CO
Posts: 2
Partner Relapsed
Hi. I didn't think I would cry but I was just walking down the hall in my school and realized, "I'm going to cry." So I bolted back to my room and here I am typing this.
My husband has relapsed after eight months of sobriety, thirty days of that at a rehab facility. He is in law enforcement and was treated for alcoholism and PTSD. He has demonstrated all of the hallmarks for relapse - justifications, stopped attending AA, quit going to the gym or any other hobbies. He wanted my approval last night when he walked in with beer and whiskey and all I could say is its your recovery. I don't know what else I could have done. Before, he was a terrifying, angry drunk and I had already decided to divorce him when he announced he would get help. We have three children and if he was really willing to try, I was willing to try.
I know I have self-esteem issues and co-dependency issues but I am in therapy and am trying to work on me. I just started my masters program. I talk to my friends now. Our home is, for the first time ever, a healthy place and in one night, he has returned to the pattern of old. I think I am just looking for support and insight here. I really want to do the best possible things for my children and I am struggling to know what to do now.
My husband has relapsed after eight months of sobriety, thirty days of that at a rehab facility. He is in law enforcement and was treated for alcoholism and PTSD. He has demonstrated all of the hallmarks for relapse - justifications, stopped attending AA, quit going to the gym or any other hobbies. He wanted my approval last night when he walked in with beer and whiskey and all I could say is its your recovery. I don't know what else I could have done. Before, he was a terrifying, angry drunk and I had already decided to divorce him when he announced he would get help. We have three children and if he was really willing to try, I was willing to try.
I know I have self-esteem issues and co-dependency issues but I am in therapy and am trying to work on me. I just started my masters program. I talk to my friends now. Our home is, for the first time ever, a healthy place and in one night, he has returned to the pattern of old. I think I am just looking for support and insight here. I really want to do the best possible things for my children and I am struggling to know what to do now.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I'm so sorry. Sending you a hug.
Only you know what he was like when he was drinking and whether you want to return to that life, knowing your children are affected, too. "Terrifying and angry" doesn't sound like a good environment for them or for you.
Stay safe.
Only you know what he was like when he was drinking and whether you want to return to that life, knowing your children are affected, too. "Terrifying and angry" doesn't sound like a good environment for them or for you.
Stay safe.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Lincolnshire, UK
Posts: 440
I am so sorry to hear what you have been through/are going through.
PLEASE be strong and tough! Tell him you were going to divorce him before and if he returns to his ways you will start proceedings.
His behaviour is unfair to you and your children. He had his chance, it is up to him to fulfil his promises xx
PLEASE be strong and tough! Tell him you were going to divorce him before and if he returns to his ways you will start proceedings.
His behaviour is unfair to you and your children. He had his chance, it is up to him to fulfil his promises xx
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 94
Bookworm, I'm so sorry for the pain you are having.
I believe you should talk to your husband today, before he gets loaded. Tell him what you shared with us.
Tell him you saw his relapse coming because he stopped working his recovery. Tell him his actions made you cry in public. Tell him he is a terrifying angry drunk. Tell him your children are more important to you than anything else in the world. Tell him not to bring alcohol into the house.
I understand it is easier said then done.
I believe you should talk to your husband today, before he gets loaded. Tell him what you shared with us.
Tell him you saw his relapse coming because he stopped working his recovery. Tell him his actions made you cry in public. Tell him he is a terrifying angry drunk. Tell him your children are more important to you than anything else in the world. Tell him not to bring alcohol into the house.
I understand it is easier said then done.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 379
Oh, girl I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I completely understand as I have been in your situation with loved ones ( prior to my own alcoholism). Some things that have helped me: AlAnon, Naranon, CODA mtgs, church groups ( Celebrate Recovery), private counseling.
Notice I didnt mention anything about your husband and mostly thats just because we have no control over our addicted loved ones. The Three C's apply: We cant control it, We didnt cause it, We cant cure them. The only person we can control is our selves and our own lives and choices, yes?
Through help we begin to develop some boundaries around what is acceptable and not in our lives. We begin to focus on ourselves ( and in your case the childrens) best interests.
I would also suggest looking into the family area of SR. There are tons of great threads and people there that can help you as well.
Im sorry you are dealing with this, its hard I know.
Notice I didnt mention anything about your husband and mostly thats just because we have no control over our addicted loved ones. The Three C's apply: We cant control it, We didnt cause it, We cant cure them. The only person we can control is our selves and our own lives and choices, yes?
Through help we begin to develop some boundaries around what is acceptable and not in our lives. We begin to focus on ourselves ( and in your case the childrens) best interests.
I would also suggest looking into the family area of SR. There are tons of great threads and people there that can help you as well.
Im sorry you are dealing with this, its hard I know.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 981
Like Ooona - I have been there as well only with xah's drug use. I am sorry you're going through this. I too would make sure he knows the perimeters of what you will tolerate as far as drinking. I would then follow through. In my experience if you give him an inch, he'll take a mile. Hopefully he comes around and gets back on the recovery wagon. He may not.
Brother of the Wolf
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Walking With Giants
Posts: 436
There are two (seemingly) simple questions to ask here:
1) What is the ideal situation for the safety and happiness of your children?
2) What changes need to be made to have that situation?
1) What is the ideal situation for the safety and happiness of your children?
2) What changes need to be made to have that situation?
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