Parenting an adult alcoholic
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
We have a whole forum for that.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Krystal, Welcome to SR! I am so sorry you needed to find us but glad you did.
What brought me to SR was the ongoing struggle with my alcoholic/addict stepson. You will find lots of support here from people who truly understand because we've been there!
S
What brought me to SR was the ongoing struggle with my alcoholic/addict stepson. You will find lots of support here from people who truly understand because we've been there!
S
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
You have come to a good place for support and this forum is open to all newcomers.
I, personally, did that briefly with my mother. I know it's not something I would have been able to keep up indefinitely and by chance, I moved away, which really solved the problem for me. I hope that you are able to take care of yourself, too and I'm glad that you found us.
I, personally, did that briefly with my mother. I know it's not something I would have been able to keep up indefinitely and by chance, I moved away, which really solved the problem for me. I hope that you are able to take care of yourself, too and I'm glad that you found us.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
We have a whole forum for that.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Are you your parent's caregiver?
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Krystal, there's a whole wealth of information and different types of people here on SR, alcoholics, family of alcoholics, adult children of alcoholics!!
Plenty of support from all angles!!
Plenty of support from all angles!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 5
What I wrote was apparently misleading. We are parents of an adult 37 year old son that is divorced, raising 8 and 10 year old children. His wife didn't find mothering to be a very stylish so she left and he drown himself in vodka to run away from his problems. Needless to say, he did not make good choices. He has been in rehab twice, goes to counseling, AA and his Dad lived with him for several months to help with the loneliness that he wasn't handling well. We thought he was doing a lot better, but several things indicate that our hopes were short lived.
We are out of ideas, money, energy, time and hope that he will beat this disease. I came to this site to share and get perspective from others that could relate to our family's struggles to save a grown child.
We are out of ideas, money, energy, time and hope that he will beat this disease. I came to this site to share and get perspective from others that could relate to our family's struggles to save a grown child.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I'm so sorry for your troubles Krystal 
Certainly makes me feel for my parents.
Have you been to Alanon at all? I have been and I found it immensely supportive for dealing with the alcoholics in our lives that we love or loved and how they affect us and we affect them. I think that is a great resource for you.
Also, have you asked him if he wants to get better, or is ready to get better?
Bottom line is, it's up to him if he truly wants to get sober he will put all his heart and soul into it. Nobody can love an addict better, no matter how badly we want to. You deserve to let go a little and put the responsibility back on him and find yourself some peace.
I also think that the Friends and Family forum would be a great place to visit on here. I think reading a lot of the stickies at the top of the forum would be a great place to start- there is some extremely good reading to be had there. As well as many, many who have been in similar places as you who will be able to offer you great insight from the same side of the fence as you.
I for one can tell you, for all the love, soft or tough, for the ultimatums, for the being abandoned, for having lost many things along the way, nothing and nobody could stop me from drinking. Only I could make the choice to change my ways. And it's an ongoing battle with lots of ups and downs.
I wish you well. I know what it's like to be on both sides of the fence, but not to have an addicted child. I am truly sorry for your pain. I hope you can find some comfort and some answers on SR. We're a very supportive bunch.
Certainly makes me feel for my parents.
Have you been to Alanon at all? I have been and I found it immensely supportive for dealing with the alcoholics in our lives that we love or loved and how they affect us and we affect them. I think that is a great resource for you.
Also, have you asked him if he wants to get better, or is ready to get better?
Bottom line is, it's up to him if he truly wants to get sober he will put all his heart and soul into it. Nobody can love an addict better, no matter how badly we want to. You deserve to let go a little and put the responsibility back on him and find yourself some peace.
I also think that the Friends and Family forum would be a great place to visit on here. I think reading a lot of the stickies at the top of the forum would be a great place to start- there is some extremely good reading to be had there. As well as many, many who have been in similar places as you who will be able to offer you great insight from the same side of the fence as you.
I for one can tell you, for all the love, soft or tough, for the ultimatums, for the being abandoned, for having lost many things along the way, nothing and nobody could stop me from drinking. Only I could make the choice to change my ways. And it's an ongoing battle with lots of ups and downs.
I wish you well. I know what it's like to be on both sides of the fence, but not to have an addicted child. I am truly sorry for your pain. I hope you can find some comfort and some answers on SR. We're a very supportive bunch.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
sorry Krystal - I did misunderstand what you meant, and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you're in that situation.
I'm not sure what my parents could have done to 'make' me stop - I suspect nothing - I really needed to make that choice myself for myself.
Eventually my parents stopped helping out, and I eventually hit bottom and started to climb back up.
I'm nearly ten years sober now and I got sober at 40 so there is always hope I think.
Detaching and letting the addict hit bottom is pretty much the AlAanon way, but I'm sure the welfare of your grandkids is a factor too..
Our Family and Friends forums may be further useful reading for you
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I understand there are other approaches too, like CRAFT:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-families.html
I wish you your son and your grandkids all the best
D
I'm sorry you're in that situation.
I'm not sure what my parents could have done to 'make' me stop - I suspect nothing - I really needed to make that choice myself for myself.
Eventually my parents stopped helping out, and I eventually hit bottom and started to climb back up.
I'm nearly ten years sober now and I got sober at 40 so there is always hope I think.
Detaching and letting the addict hit bottom is pretty much the AlAanon way, but I'm sure the welfare of your grandkids is a factor too..
Our Family and Friends forums may be further useful reading for you
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I understand there are other approaches too, like CRAFT:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-families.html
I wish you your son and your grandkids all the best
D
Originally Posted by KrystalW
What I wrote was apparently misleading. We are parents of an adult 37 year old son that is divorced, raising 8 and 10 year old children. His wife didn't find mothering to be a very stylish so she left and he drown himself in vodka to run away from his problems. Needless to say, he did not make good choices. He has been in rehab twice, goes to counseling, AA and his Dad lived with him for several months to help with the loneliness that he wasn't handling well. We thought he was doing a lot better, but several things indicate that our hopes were short lived.
We are out of ideas, money, energy, time and hope that he will beat this disease. I came to this site to share and get perspective from others that could relate to our family's struggles to save a grown child.
We are out of ideas, money, energy, time and hope that he will beat this disease. I came to this site to share and get perspective from others that could relate to our family's struggles to save a grown child.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
My stepson is 35. He, I suppose fortunately, has never been married. I've only spoken to him twice since his father died last October. On one of those two occasions, he was drunk as a lord. As far as we know (his sister and I), he still drinks and make unfortunate choices.
Do you have your precious grandbabies with you now or do they live with your son?
Do you have your precious grandbabies with you now or do they live with your son?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 937
Hello Krystal & welcome to SR,
I'm really sorry to read about what brought you here.
I can empathise to a degree, although in my situation the roles were reversed.
I was my father's carer; expending time, and emotional energy in trying to get my father sober in all the same ways you have with your son.
I can categorically assure you that it is possible for your son to climb out of this chasm he finds himself in. He can become the father & son that everyone would wish for.
However, with equal assurance, I can tell you that there you will never be able to get your son sober on his behalf. He can only do that for himself.
My advice would be to go to Al-Anon meetings and share your story with others. They will give you tremendous understanding and support.
Don't judge your son, this is a horrific and debilitating disease.
Continue to offer your support if you feel strong enough. It's so easy to despair I know. I've been there & it almost finished me.
You wouldn't turn your back on someone who was struck down with Parkinson's or any other disease, so if you have any emotional resource still to draw from continue to do your best and hope for the best.
That said, do it without any expectation whatsoever. I had the expectation that I could somehow cure my father and that was misplaced. It's impossible.
For now you should take care of yourself, without your own mental and physical wellbeing you will be of no use to him. If you start to suffer yourself, it might just be time to pull back.
Please don't make the same mistake I did and carry the responsibity of getting your son better and feel like a failure if this doesn't materialise.
Good luck, I really feel for you.
I'm really sorry to read about what brought you here.
I can empathise to a degree, although in my situation the roles were reversed.
I was my father's carer; expending time, and emotional energy in trying to get my father sober in all the same ways you have with your son.
I can categorically assure you that it is possible for your son to climb out of this chasm he finds himself in. He can become the father & son that everyone would wish for.
However, with equal assurance, I can tell you that there you will never be able to get your son sober on his behalf. He can only do that for himself.
My advice would be to go to Al-Anon meetings and share your story with others. They will give you tremendous understanding and support.
Don't judge your son, this is a horrific and debilitating disease.
Continue to offer your support if you feel strong enough. It's so easy to despair I know. I've been there & it almost finished me.
You wouldn't turn your back on someone who was struck down with Parkinson's or any other disease, so if you have any emotional resource still to draw from continue to do your best and hope for the best.
That said, do it without any expectation whatsoever. I had the expectation that I could somehow cure my father and that was misplaced. It's impossible.
For now you should take care of yourself, without your own mental and physical wellbeing you will be of no use to him. If you start to suffer yourself, it might just be time to pull back.
Please don't make the same mistake I did and carry the responsibity of getting your son better and feel like a failure if this doesn't materialise.
Good luck, I really feel for you.
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